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Why do people ACTUALLY kiss?


Kuri

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Hello AVEN! I'm a new member and I've searched the elusive topic of kissing on this forum already, but haven't found a satisfying answer for the following reason. Some background info: I'm 20, never been in a relationship, never had sex, been kissed or engaged in any other form of affection. 

 

Personally, I thought I knew why people kiss: there are so many nerve endings in the lips that brushing them against another pair of warm lips is bound to feel, at least, pleasant. Sometimes it's happened that my own lips brushed against fabric for example and I enjoyed the tingling sensation of it. Asexual fits me most at this point in time, but I've not actually considered myself aromantic (yet). My body enjoying that contact on my lips has made me hope or assume that I'd enjoy "normal" things like kissing at least.

 

Now, the fireworks "fantastic" feeling has always been a bit... weird for me to wrap my around. "Can the mere moving together of lips really feel that good? Maybe if you really like that person?" 

 

Now, someone told me something that turned my whole belief upside down.

 

"People don't kiss because... they like mushing their mouth against somebody else's." 

 

What?? Then what's the point? Said person continued by saying that it's just an urge, hard to explain, but that's not a satisfying answer. 

 

Does this mean the physical sensations of kissing aren't even that important? Why do people do it then? I'm very confused. 

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It's mostly just about the hormone rush that you get when you kiss. A lot of oxytocin and serotonin are released when you do something that intimate, so it creates a pleasurable experience. The kiss itself is more an expression of closeness to the other person, and about building up the personal bond between the two of you. It's a very sensual and romantic act, but can have sexual undertones when tongue becomes involved. 

I dunno if this helps, but I tried to look at kissing from a different perspective. 

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Telecaster68

Kuri

 

It's both physical and emotional. It feels amazing (for all those nerve ending reasons) and it's very intimate, and an urge to share that intimacy, and make the other person feel good. I don't think the person you're quoting meant it was either/or.

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moved for sexual partners, friends and allies to asexual musings & rantings.

 

Iff,

Moderator

sexual partners, friends and allies

 

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Because they want to, because it feels good.  That's pretty much true for lots of things.  It's not terribly complex.

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3 hours ago, Lichley said:

It's mostly just about the hormone rush that you get when you kiss. A lot of oxytocin and serotonin are released when you do something that intimate, so it creates a pleasurable experience. The kiss itself is more an expression of closeness to the other person, and about building up the personal bond between the two of you. It's a very sensual and romantic act, but can have sexual undertones when tongue becomes involved. 

I dunno if this helps, but I tried to look at kissing from a different perspective. 

By itself that makes sense, but people don't actually think (or are aware, if they're not educated enough) that a pleasant hormone rush is happening. Plus, I've heard many men say how annoying kissing is and that they only do it to heighten their chances for sex with their girlfriends/hook-ups. 

Do men - or some men - not experience this hormone rush then? 

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

Because they want to, because it feels good.  That's pretty much true for lots of things.  It's not terribly complex.

Why would they want to though? Let's take this out of our societal context for a moment. Let's pretend that kissing isn't an expectation, it isn't advertised, it's not something that everyone connects automatically with relationships and intimacy. How would two people end up wanting to kiss then? Let's go a step further and pretend that kissing is seen as gross, just not happening and taboo (like showing women's nipples on TV for example). Would people still end up kissing then? Would it still feel good?

 

My deeper question here is if it's something... innate? Or is it just something that's expected of people to do and if it weren't expected, then fewer people (or none at all) would engage in it and find importance in it?

 

 

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swirl_of_blue
1 hour ago, Kuri said:

My deeper question here is if it's something... innate? Or is it just something that's expected of people to do and if it weren't expected, then fewer people (or none at all) would engage in it and find importance in it?

I certainly had no "positive expectations" of kissing before I had done it. I had no more interest in kissing than I had in sex, and didn't understand why anyone would want to "swap spit" - it looked gross, sounded gross and the whole concept was just ununderstandable. However, I ended up trying it when I dated for the first time, and the biggest reason was that it was something that "is supposed to happen in a relationship". I was probably also a bit curious to see if it was really that nice, but I was really doubting I would enjoy it. So, if there were no societal pressure I would probably have never tried kissing, and it was not innate to me in any way.

 

Turns out I liked it. Or more like absolutely loved it! I can't remember exactly how it feels like anymore (it's been something like five years since my last kiss), but I remember liking both the physical sensation and the intimate feeling of closeness. And there are so many ways to do it, that it can feel very different depending on what you're doing. Of course it also depends on your partner and if you like things that are similar or complementary. I can remember feeling very possessive of my partner when kissing, and to me kissing is also a lot more intimate than having sex. It doesn't feel mechanical or forced the same was as sex, just a lot more natural and even physically much more pleasing! But it is hard to describe...

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flagsforhippos

Research suggests that romantic kissing is far from universal. One team of researchers compiled a report based on findings from over one hundred cultures and found evidence of romantic kissing in less than half the cultures that had been studied.

 

We assume that because it is prevalent in our culture that it is something practiced worldwide but some cultures are bewildered by romantic partners wanting to 'press lips' and others even find it outright disgusting.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

From a biological perspective , kissing is supposed to be a throwback to the time when we fed our children rather like wild dogs do, by chewing the food and passing it to the children's mouths. Yuk..

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Alejandrogynous
3 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

From a biological perspective , kissing is supposed to be a throwback to the time when we fed our children rather like wild dogs do, by chewing the food and passing it to the children's mouths. Yuk..

Yep, that's one theory. It became a bonding experience for mother and child, and over time grew into a gesture of affection, love, and intimacy. 

 

Another idea is that kissing was used as a way to determine suitable mates, by tasting their saliva and smelling/tasting pheromones, and we evolved to experience pleasure from it.

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12 hours ago, Kuri said:

How would two people end up wanting to kiss then?

They touch. They caress. They like to touch and caress. They want more of that. But they're running out of hands and fingers to touch and caress with. So they start using their lips, then their tongues.

If both are standing, or lying with their heads at the same side, it's actually quite obvious to use the hands for caressing the body and the lips for caressing the head of the partner.

 

11 hours ago, flagsforhippos said:

found evidence of romantic kissing in less than half the cultures that had been studied

Lack of evidence doesn't mean it isn't happening though. It might just be something that isn't talked about or recorded.

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a minor triad
4 hours ago, roland.o said:

Lack of evidence doesn't mean it isn't happening though. It might just be something that isn't talked about or recorded.

True, however, anthropologists have found that a lot of people of different cultures are bewildered by the Western idea of kissing. I can't think of which culture it was, but they never kissed until white colonizers introduced it to them. Actually, people would probably be very surprised to learn about the different sexual practices of various cultures. I had a brief overview for one of my classes and from it, I learned that there is a lot of diversity when it comes to sexual and romantic practice. In fact, there are some cultures that do not value sex as anything more than a method of procreation. The people within this culture report little or no sexual desire.

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I think kissing can feel good because of the biological reactions going on from it and I think there's a psychological part to it, where emotionally it's fulfilling as you are being intimate with another person. I personally would only want to kiss someone I was attracted to because of those biological effects. Historically, I think it was due to society and culture that we even began to kiss in relationships. It's probably not innate thing, although there may be some elements of that that led to people kissing.

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Spades&Hearts

I feel like it depends who you are kissing. I'm 19 and I've only just kissed a guy for the first time like two or three weeks ago. Honestly, it was one of the most disgusting and repulsive feelings I have ever experienced. I don't know if it was so bad because he was a really sloppy kisser and he definitely wanted something sexual which, for an asexual person like myself who is sex-repulsed, was not pleasant at all. I'm also demiromantic or aromantic so jumping into something with someone I only knew for a few days was not a good choice for me personally because it wasn't enough time to build trust. Gender doesn't mean a lot to me in building relationships so I don't know if for me kissing a girl would be different. Honestly though, I think the only way I would enjoy kissing someone is if I truly trusted them. I actually do enjoy kissing people on the head, neck, and cheeks and I like having that feeling reciprocated by my friends (usually when we are drunk lol), but overall I don't think kissing on the lips is that appealing of an idea. I don't think there is anything wrong with not liking kissing. I don't think kissing on the lips is enjoyable. I like platonic kissing in other areas though if that makes sense.

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Back to the question:  Why do people eat pizza?  Because they like it.  Same thing with kissing.  

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Kissing only feels good for me if it's with the right person. If it's just anyone... ew, no. If it's with someone I love ? Yes, please. And lots. And I'll feel all those lovely tingly warm butterfly sensations every time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/9/2017 at 2:00 AM, Kuri said:

Now, someone told me something that turned my whole belief upside down.

 

"People don't kiss because... they like mushing their mouth against somebody else's." 

What?!! I didn't really know that either. Maybe people like kissing because it is romantic. Or maybe it is some unexplainable phenomenon and people just like it.

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On 18/10/2017 at 1:11 AM, Serran said:

Kissing only feels good for me if it's with the right person. If it's just anyone... ew, no. If it's with someone I love ? Yes, please. And lots. And I'll feel all those lovely tingly warm butterfly sensations every time. 

This ^^^

I'm almost 60 and I have only met one person in my entire life I enjoyed kissing.  I also believe kissing is more intimate than sex.  I could have sex with someone I wasn't in love with but would not want to kiss them.   

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What @Sally said. Why do people like to listen to music, read books, write fan fiction, cook, do sports... kissing is a personal, intimate activity that can make the brain produce a lot of oxytocin. Lots of people describe kissing as even more intimate than actual sex.

 

Fun fact: Most sex workers will refuse to kiss their customers on the mouth (let alone french kiss) because of just that. It's too intimate when they don't want it to be intimate.

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Oh Homer.... Nearly 8000 posts and you still haven't got the hang of AVEN. The point is to take simple things and make them so complicated you can debate them endlessly. 

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Because if their lips are entwined they can't be wrapped around genitalia at the same time :P:P:P

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

Because if their lips are entwined they can't be wrapped around genitalia at the same time :P:P:P

Spoiler

 

That depends on the number of persons involved.

 

Brain bleach, anyone?...

 

 

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@roland.o

 

Tee-hee sniggers and giggles :P:P:cake::cake:

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Because it's fun?

 

The nerve endings in my lips are connected to a happy place in my brain and kissing my hand doesn't work. :P 

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On 10/17/2017 at 8:02 PM, Sally said:

Back to the question:  Why do people eat pizza?  Because they like it.  Same thing with kissing.  

But that only raises the question of why they like it (kissing or pizza). I think that's a legitimate question, and likely has numerous answers. I also think there are probably biological reasons, cultural reasons, etc., and plenty of personal variation. As others have said, biologically, there is the sensual aspect that leads to biochemical and neurological reactions. Culturally, there is the expectation that it's something people do for intimacy's sake. Some people, like myself, don't find it all that desirable of an activity. Others think it's a wonderful activity, especially with the right person. Personally, I'd much rather eat pizza (without pineapple on it :P ).

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Kissing, for me, is the most intimate, sensual, stimulating,  and enjoyable activity.

Unfortunately, people expect this to lead to sex.

It's all a part of foreplay.

Sadly, it is ruined, for me, if they want more.

Kissing has always been completely satisfying .

 

Oh wait! Now pizza absolutely wins if it's a question of which is better.:P Just edit out the sensual part.:P:P

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I'm sure people have their reasons for kissing, like @Tja just mentioned, and I understand, sort of.  I have never enjoyed kissing - it is just something I had to do to satisfy the partner.  Frankly, I think kissing is just plain gross and I really don't understand why people actually enjoy kissing.  Watching people kiss makes me squirm.

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