Jump to content

Confused if what I had were crushes or squishes?


Midnight Spiral

Recommended Posts

Midnight Spiral

Romantic love seems kind of like a myth of some sort to me and I'm still struggling to understand exactly what it is. I think I may be aromantic, but I keep thinking back on the only two times I seriously attempted to date people before I knew about the possibility of being aromantic/asexual.  Both attempts were when I was around 20 years old.  I did have some kind of strong feelings towards them, that’s why I tried at all as I assumed it was what love would feel like and I should date people like a normal person my age.  It was the first time I felt I strongly wanted someone to like me as I liked them.  In the first attempt I even felt my heart beat much faster when they asked me if I wanted to go see a movie as a date.  

In both cases I wanted to be with them often, not necessarily have their attention all the time, but to be with them.  Whenever I had the chance to see them I would.  I wanted to talk to them more than I normally would want to talk to someone.  Most of the time I just wanted to talk a lot about hobbies we both really enjoyed, but on a few occasions I wanted to talk to them about personal things I couldn’t normally talk to people about, deeper emotions and troubles as well as things that made me really happy.  As I usually keep to myself this isn't something I usually wanted.  In both attempts to date the person was special enough I wanted to hang out with just the two of us, preferably doing something like watching a movie or playing a video game we both enjoyed or chatting about hobbies we especially enjoyed more than the rest of our social group, and wanting one on one time like that is very rare for me as it usually feels too intimate to me.  I thought about them more often than I would normally think about a person, but far from all the time.  I wanted to do nice things for them more often than I did for other people.  I wanted them to like me as a friend and want the same things from me that I wanted from them.

Even when I cared about them a lot I would never want any type of romantic or sexual intimacy, I never even fantasized about such a possibility.  I didn't want to exchange "I love you"s.  Having an arm around my shoulder was incredibly uncomfortable.  Holding hands or kissing was completely undesirable.  Having them sit as close to me as possible or even lean on me or try to get me to lean on them was unpleasant, but with a friend I might not mind.  “I miss you” types of texts were annoying and I didn't understand why someone would feel the need to send those when we see each other all the time.  I thought I loved them but felt no kind of sexual attraction towards them, which concerned me deeply back then as I wondered if something was wrong with me.  I still find the idea of sexual attraction a difficult concept to understand in a personal way.  It felt like they wanted things from me I didn’t want from them, not just physically but some kind of emotional needs.  Changing the relationships back to friendships felt like an improvement to me, but I feel bad friend zoning everyone haha.

I always considered my attempts to date as some kind of before dating thing, but I talked to one of them about it and apparently they considered it as dating?  

Maybe they were bad matches for me or maybe I just feel romantic love/attraction in a weird way, like I’m really passive and distant and cold or something and I need to find someone just like me.  But is a relationship with no romance or sex still a romantic relationship?  It feels seems silly to think of it that way.  

Or maybe I’m just so anti-social I don't realize this is just how someone normally feels when they want someone to be their friend and it used to be such a rare experience for me it felt super special. 

So I want to ask if these are what squishes feel like or are these crushes where I'm weird and don't want to touch them??  I feel confused.

What's the difference between wanting a best friend and a lover?

This has just been on my mind and I needed to write it out so I could stop thinking about it.  All the topics I've started have started with a long post. One day I’ll learn to write shorter posts!

Thank you for reading!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lie-RennyValkyrie_

Well its rather hard to tell especially from someone just telling you but it seems like they were more like squishes than crushes. I'll share my feelings for a squish I had whom I ended up dating.

 

Basically before we dated I wanted to spend time with him. Not necessarily alone or in any romantic way I just wanted to be around him and have him as my friend (we weren't really that close). Anyway we started "dating" (all our dates got cancelled but I'm not going into that) and that part isn't really relevant.

 

When we were together we spent a lot of time together just talking and stuff and it was great I loved it as I never got to talk to him this much before. He caught the bus with me home and we started giving each other a goodbye hug and it was super awkward for me and I hated it but continued to do it because I figured it was the right thing to do. Then after a while he started saying "goodbye. I love you." I was scared when I heard him say it. I didn't love him and I knew it but I didn't want to lie so I pretended I didn't hear it every time.

 

Now here comes the worst part of my time with him. The one sided affection. Often when he spoke to me he put his hand on my shoulder and simple gesture that I hated, I tensed every time he touched me. Another thing he did was come up behind me and put his chin on my shoulder. It was the worst thing ever. After a while I got used to the touching the shoulder thing but I never got used to that. I tryed not to tense but I did.

 

We were very slow compared to other couples. We were only together for a bit and we never got to go on any dates but we never kissed or even held hands. My friends had got together only a week after us and they held hands within about two weeks a kissed within the time we were dating but we never did. I was honestly scared he was going to try and kiss me. I felt sick thinking about having to kiss him and holding hands wasn't too appealing either.

 

I ended up breaking up with him (in gallifrayen cause I'm a showoff and too scared to use English) because we would have honestly been better off friends but he didn't agree and I haven't spoken to him since. He never even got why I broke up with him until my friend said I wasn't bi (EVERYONE THINKS IM INTO CHICKS AND ITS ANNOYING BUT WHATEVER) and then he got kinda mad.

 

Sorry that was a long reply but yeah basically I think they are squishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm rarely comfortable with physical contact with anyone except maybe my mother and this one family friend I had a crush on for a few years recently after knowing each other since birth (maybe, as I'm currently unsure of how far along the aromantic spectrum I am). For me, the defining factors I'm currently using to sort my squishes/possible crushes are whether or not I'm comfortable with physical contact and whether or not I want to be someone special (not necessarily romantic in my case) in their life. From what you're saying, I would also infer that they are more squishes than crushes.

 

 

9 hours ago, Lie-RennyValkyrie_ said:

(EVERYONE THINKS IM INTO CHICKS AND ITS ANNOYING BUT WHATEVER) and then he got kinda mad.

I relate to this lol. It's kind of my fault because I'm terrified as coming out to people as asexual (although aromantic seems to be infinitely easier =_=) so for a while I just said I was gay to get people to stop bothering me ; _ ; 

I also kind of came out as aro after I broke up with my boyfriend of eight months... and, uh, well we haven't spoken since.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't like touching at all either and I don't consider it a necessary component for romance. Then again, I think most people only count it as romance if there are romantic gestures like kissing and holding hands involved. I don't know. I'm actually still confused about what a crush even is, but I've had one person I'm fairly certain I felt romantic towards because it was a lot different from how I felt towards friends. I wanted more from the person and I wanted to be close and share and spend my life with them. It's hard to explain too. Someone else might say it sounds more like I wanted a best friend than a lover, but it's just so different and so unlike me to feel that way towards anyone that I'm counting it as a crush.

 

I called myself aromantic for a while but also wondered if I was just distant and cold and couldn't relate to others. Having that crush changed my perspective a bit and made me realize that I was capable of some kind of feelings and also made me want to pursue a romantic relationship. I think this is another difference between what I call a crush and what I call a squish.

 

A lot of what you said sounds a lot like me. At first I thought maybe you had a crush because you said you had strong feelings, your heart beat fast, and what you wanted from the person wasn't entirely unlike what I wanted from my crush. But then you said that you only wanted them as a friend, that changing the relationship back to a friendship was better, and you didn't want to exchange 'I love you's. Of course, a lover could also be a best friend, but when I'm crushing I don't want to call the relationship a friendship. And while I didn't exactly say 'I love you' to my crush and I really suck at articulating my feelings, I wanted to tell them how much they mean to me and show them that I care through spending more time, giving gifts, etc.

 

Sorry I can't give you any definite answer on what makes a crush or a squish, or which one you had. It's different for every person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Midnight Spiral

@Lie-RennyValkyrie_

Long replies are fine.  I like reading other people's stories on this site as I can relate to many of them.  Then there are some that aren't relatable to me but are still very interesting to read.  I'll return the long reply with my own long reply!

 

I see, I thought that the feeling of wanting to be around someone a lot might be considered a romantic thing, but it makes sense to want that if you really wanted to be someone's friend as well.  That was basically how I felt, in both of my cases I just really wanted to hang out and enjoy doing/talking about hobbies we both really enjoyed and know more about them.

I said I wanted alone time with them, but I thought about it more and I realized it was more like we continued to hang out when our social group was done hanging out because we still wanted to do something or talk since we got along so well.

I went on a few dates with the first person because they asked me, but nothing romantic ever happened and that's how I preferred it.

In my case I'm glad neither ever said "I love you" to me, it would have made me anxious as the phrase didn't sound right to me.  I think it's for the same reason of not being able to return those feelings.  I think they were aware I wasn't comfortable with a lot of romantic stuff, so they didn't want to say it in case I reacted badly.  Although they did tell me about how much they loved me, how special I was to them and I could tell how genuine it was, it just made me uncomfortable.  The more romantic a relationship got the more anxious I felt.

 

I'd say it was similar for me, talking more was great, but the one sided affection thing sucked.  I didn't initiate anything at all, but I returned some hugs and didn't push them away to be nice.  I imagine having him come up behind you with any gesture would always be tense when you don't know it's coming you can't prepare for it, I'm glad I didn't have to deal with that type of gesture at least.  I'm pretty sure many couples like that kind of thing though, like a pleasant surprise.

The second person I attempted to date did initiate a lot of unwanted hugs suddenly and I did not like it at all, but it was never from behind and thank goodness for that.  When I told him the relationship wasn't going to work out they grabbed me in a hug and tried to convince me we should be together, it was very awkward and I couldn't escape.

 

My attempts at dating  were so slow I never even got to the part where we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend after several weeks, we just hung out a lot and considered the idea.  And in the first attempt all of my friends were pressuring us to date it was not pleasant.

I managed to avoid having to deal with too much physical contact as the first person I attempted to date disliked PDA and I made it clear to him most physical contact made me uncomfortable, but he did do other gestures like saying romantic things and forcing romantic gifts upon me (chocolate on valentines day, not too expensive jewelry) and while I could appreciate the thought it always made me uncomfortable to receive romantic gifts.  When we were alone he got closer and overtime he got more physical in public too, fortunately it never got to kissing though.  I say he respected that I didn't like physical contact aside from the examples I mentioned, but it was clear he wanted more when he often asked for hugs and to hold hands, he always asked if I wanted to lean on him, though I always declined.  It felt a bit mean of me to be so rejecting.  In the second attempt it was also clear I didn't like physical contact, but they tried to push it a little more.  I always ended my attempts to date when how uncomfortable I was became too much to deal with.  

 

That's an interesting way to brake up. 

In the first attempted relationship I had to turn him down over the phone because he realized the relationship probably wasn't going to work and just avoided me to avoid confrontation, but at least many months later we're friends, though sometimes I worry he still has feelings for me.  in the second case the way it ended was more interesting with the desperate embrace he gave me, but he was bitter about it afterwords and we didn't really stay friends, which is too bad. 

So far no one's assumed I'm attracted to the same sex because of my lack of interest in men yet, it sounds like that would be very annoying to deal with.  When I talked to someone about part of why the first relationship didn't work they suggested I might be asexual, generally I don't get negative responses fortunately. 

 

@lunarmorgan

I'm basically the same way with physical contact.  Almost all hugs I've had with friends have been ones thrown at me that I didn't know how to refuse.  

On 10/8/2017 at 5:31 PM, lunarmorgan said:

For me, the defining factors I'm currently using to sort my squishes/possible crushes are whether or not I'm comfortable with physical contact and whether or not I want to be someone special (not necessarily romantic in my case) in their life. From what you're saying, I would also infer that they are more squishes than crushes.

I thought if I spent more time with the people I tried to date I'd become comfortable with physical contact and even start to want it, but it felt strange that never happened and it only got worse when they tried to push for it more.  It also got worse as I realized the way we felt about each other seemed different.  The lack of the want to be someone special in their life is what made me question if I ever felt romantic attraction towards them as I never felt that like they felt towards me.  The way they felt seemed strange and foreign to me, it was difficult for me to understand.  It felt like I lacked some kind of special desire they had and that only made me more uncomfortable.

 

@Robian

Physical contact seems to be the big indicator of a romantic relationship, but I think it's silly to dismiss a romantic relationship because of lack of physical contact when there are a lot more emotional elements involved.  People need to realized some people just don't like or care for physical stuff!

The lack of the romantic types of feelings is what confused me the most when trying to figure out how I felt about them.  I strongly wanted to get to know them and have them want to get to know me, but not in a romantic way.  It felt like I had no romantic desire.

 

The strong feelings and nervousness is part of what made me think it was romantic love.  Although the example I listed was a one time thing really.  Thinking about it more I think the nervousness in that case was similar to when someone meets their favorite author or actor or something,  and feels nervous because they admire who the person is and what they do.  I think in that one instance another reason I was nervous was because I expected I would be since that's what I usually heard about crushes and back then I thought it was a crush because I admired his personality and really wanted to get to know him in an intellectual way, as I thought more about it I think what I wanted was a best friend, not a romantic partner.  

On 10/8/2017 at 8:33 PM, Robian said:

Of course, a lover could also be a best friend, but when I'm crushing I don't want to call the relationship a friendship.

That's what I kind of figured with a crush, that if it was I would want it to be a romantic relationship, but if anything I really didn't want to do that with either people I tried to date, I just figured I would if I spent more time with them since I cared a lot about them, but apparently that's not how it works for me.

 

I think the thing about crushes and squishes is they still have a lot in common, so it can be easy to confuse them.  Especially in my case where I don't really understand romantic feelings at all.  I agree it's true that people experience both in different ways, which only makes figuring things out even more difficult when looking for answers.

 

 

Thank you all for the responses they are very helpful!  I think they were squishes, but it's difficult for me to fully understand the differences when I don't really understand crushes or romantic desire.  

Putting 3 replies in one post made this post look way too long.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Midnight Spiral

For me, I consider physical contact as sensual rather than romantic. They may go hand-in-hand [lol] for some people but it's separate for me.

 

I think it would be safe to say it's a squish if you didn't feel those things in a romantic way. It sounds like a major squish! I can think of one that I had before - I kept wanting to hang out with this person and even had recurring dreams about them. But it was definitely not a crush because I had no romantic desire at all. Somehow it was easier for me to tell with this one, I can't explain it but I just know it.

 

That makes sense if it was admiration you felt. I've confused admiration with attraction before too and thought I couldn't be asexual at one point because I thought certain people looked really good and I wanted to be like them.

 

Emotions are inherently difficult to understand, at least for me anyway but I'm sure other people find it difficult too. And then how can you understand something that you've never felt before? [Which may be the case with you and crushes] Like being asexual, I can't relate to sexual people when they find people 'hot' and I had a hard time defining sexual attraction until I just took others' words for it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, now I'm left again with the question of what makes something romantic... Strong feelings and physical contact seem to be fitting into both squish and crush depending on the individual. Is the being someone special/influential one of those magical factors then (genuine question)?

 

@Robian

I never really thought about physical contact as sensual. I guess I associate sensuality with sexuality and that just doesn't seem right in my head, but I guess that's different for everyone. Then again, as someone who doesn't like physical contact the vast majority of the time, it could just be that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, lunarmorgan said:

I never really thought about physical contact as sensual. I guess I associate sensuality with sexuality and that just doesn't seem right in my head, but I guess that's different for everyone. Then again, as someone who doesn't like physical contact the vast majority of the time, it could just be that.

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean sensuality and sexuality are the same to you? The way I see it, the two can be related but they're not the same. For example, some people like the sensation of hugging someone but that doesn't mean they are having/want to have sex, and some [particularly a few of the aces I've read about here] have sex but they don't get any feelings out of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
On 10/13/2017 at 5:40 PM, Robian said:

I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean sensuality and sexuality are the same to you? The way I see it, the two can be related but they're not the same. For example, some people like the sensation of hugging someone but that doesn't mean they are having/want to have sex, and some [particularly a few of the aces I've read about here] have sex but they don't get any feelings out of it.

Not really. What I meant was that in my mind sensuality is often (but not always) sexual. But it's also worth considering I have a pretty strong sensitivity to touch and an aversion to most physical affection, so my views are probably a little more skewed xD

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Midnight Spiral

@Robian

I agree that it's separate.  For me rather or not it's sensual or romantic depends on the intention and feelings involved.  People certainly often feel both at the same time.

 

The more I read about squishes and people's experiences with squishes it feels more right for describing what I felt.  It's easy to see how someone can confuse squishes for crushes with how strong a person's feelings can be with a squish, I imagine it'd be even more confusing in the case of people that still experience some kind of sensual attraction.

You even had recurring dreams about them?  I see!  It's interesting how strong squishes can be. 

I think I understand that, with how I felt I understood something felt different than what a crush should be, back then I though if it wasn't a crush what is it then? although I didn't realize right away because I thought it was what romantic attraction was supposed to feel like even though all I didn't want anything actually romantic to come of our relationship.  I mean I was an adult, surely I should start wanting to date soon, the desire to be closer to others must be that feeling!  Or so I thought.  With the sexual stuff I just assumed that would develop later after I got to know them better, but it never did.

 

Yeah I think it's just easy to confuse admiration for romantic love as sometimes you still want some of the same things and think very highly of them.  From what I've read about romantic attraction it definitely seems to have admiration as a part of it. I too thought because I admired people I might not be asexual/aromantic, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I felt no kind of sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone.  

 

That's just it, I think it's impossible for a person to truly understand something they've never felt, they can compare similar experiences and sort of relate and understand it on a conceptual level, but they still won't know what feeling it is like.  No matter how much I read about sexual or romantic attraction I still feel like I don't understand it.  It's difficult to understand sexual attraction as an asexual, and clearly a lot of sexual people have a difficult time understanding the idea of not experiencing sexual attraction.  You've mentioned you've understood crushes compared to squishes better after you had a crush, but I don't think I've had a crush yet so I still lack that kind of understanding and have no reference point.

 

@lunarmorgan

Wish I could answer, but I don't know myself, I assume it's some kind of additional feeling in a relationship I haven't felt yet and its the presence of that feelings that makes it romantic.   Even a lot of people who experience seem to have difficulty putting it into words.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...