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Feeling guilty for wanting sex


Jsmith

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Every since my husband told me he is asexual I have not approached him about sex. Every day I feel bad for having needs. Now that I know he is not attracted to me I just don't try so hard to be attractive.

 

I don't initiate any physical contact because I just think "what's the point, he doesn't care". I have tried to keep my distance to keep from being rejected and have tried not to kiss or touch him intimately because I do not want to risk being turned on and then being frustrated. 

I know this isn't healthy and we have had a conversation about this. I just feel myself pulling away. It's almost like I'm scared to do something wrong. Anyone else feel like this?

 

Also, I'm not sure what kind of asexual he is. He says he has no sexual attraction but still enjoys the pleasure sex gives. So he's willing to have sex and not completely turned off by the idea. But he also says he can either take it or leave it. Can someone help me here? 

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Hello, Jsmith

I can imagine that this relationship isn’t going the way you imagined or wanted it. And it’s painful, sad and just feels wrong. Still, on this forum most sexual people would figuratively kill for their loved ones to actually enjoy sex, even if they can take it or leave it. Most of us don’t have sex at all, because for the partner it’s tedious at best and traumatic at worst. As asexuality goes, you’re pretty lucky.

 

However, to be able to enjoy that bit of “luck” you might need to rethink the way your physical relationships work. With this man you’ll not be desired – that’s a very sad fact. But he might well be able to appreciate that you look good – many asexuals enjoy their partners aesthetically. You also might be able to make him feel very good during sex, even if he doesn’t ask for it himself – like a definition of a gift is often, “What he might like and wouldn’t get for himself”.

 

So, when you can discard the images of what your relationship should look like in a perfect world and are ready to evaluate it anew, find new positive moments and such, then it might be time for a new conversation with your husband about what he likes and how he perceives your beauty. Your relationship can still be very good, if both of you are willing to work on it and find mutually pleasing solutions.

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I guess, you will always feel a bit rejected and never really wanted. My advice would be to aim for a mutual agrement, a schedule.  The schedule could be ok for both as you will know that 'great, sex happens' and he will be more relaxed about touches on everyday basis as he can think 'great, though we hug a bit, it isnt going to lead to sex'.

 

it works, to some extend, for us. She touches me more, kisses more, hugs more than while she felt under constant pressure about what could be an invitation for sex. The mindset is, that sex is more like a nice massage with a happy ending for me. (And sometimes even for her, though it doesnt give her that much and she never 'needs' it again) 

 

I shove away my daily desire, and though i would like some, then i wait and only ask on the days on schedule. I don't say: do you want sex? I say: it is ....-day. I could use some sex. Are you ok with that?   

 

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6 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, Jsmith

I can imagine that this relationship isn’t going the way you imagined or wanted it. And it’s painful, sad and just feels wrong. Still, on this forum most sexual people would figuratively kill for their loved ones to actually enjoy sex, even if they can take it or leave it. Most of us don’t have sex at all, because for the partner it’s tedious at best and traumatic at worst. As asexuality goes, you’re pretty lucky.

 

However, to be able to enjoy that bit of “luck” you might need to rethink the way your physical relationships work. With this man you’ll not be desired – that’s a very sad fact. But he might well be able to appreciate that you look good – many asexuals enjoy their partners aesthetically. You also might be able to make him feel very good during sex, even if he doesn’t ask for it himself – like a definition of a gift is often, “What he might like and wouldn’t get for himself”.

 

So, when you can discard the images of what your relationship should look like in a perfect world and are ready to evaluate it anew, find new positive moments and such, then it might be time for a new conversation with your husband about what he likes and how he perceives your beauty. Your relationship can still be very good, if both of you are willing to work on it and find mutually pleasing solutions.

@Lara Black is so good with words! I just wanted to add something about being aescth...aeshethic... asti... looking good. Sometimes, to a sexual, then looking good also means to be attractive, or hot. But think that the 'sexy' is no longer only a positve word to the asexual. 

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44 minutes ago, MrDane said:

@Lara Black is so good with words! I just wanted to add something about being aescth...aeshethic... asti... looking good. Sometimes, to a sexual, then looking good also means to be attractive, or hot. But think that the 'sexy' is no longer only a positve word to the asexual. 

Thank you, Mr. Dane.)

And I agree – “sexy” isn’t really a positive term for an asexual. That reminded me of a very good metaphor by one forum member (sadly, I don’t remember their name) that asexuality is like a different language with its own subtleties and shades of meaning. Mixed sexual-asexual couples face additional difficulties because feelings and desires have to be translated between two languages. But with enough patience to develop a "common vocabulary" it works out fine.

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Thank you for all the advice. I'm definitely going to try the schedule and see if that works. I also have learned from him that some times I say things that he takes literally and I don't mean it like that. (Can't think of an example right now.) So I am learning to be more careful with my words. 

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Treesarepretty
12 hours ago, Jsmith said:

Every since my husband told me he is asexual I have not approached him about sex. Every day I feel bad for having needs. Now that I know he is not attracted to me I just don't try so hard to be attractive.

 

I don't initiate any physical contact because I just think "what's the point, he doesn't care". I have tried to keep my distance to keep from being rejected and have tried not to kiss or touch him intimately because I do not want to risk being turned on and then being frustrated. 

I know this isn't healthy and we have had a conversation about this. I just feel myself pulling away. It's almost like I'm scared to do something wrong. Anyone else feel like this?

 

Also, I'm not sure what kind of asexual he is. He says he has no sexual attraction but still enjoys the pleasure sex gives. So he's willing to have sex and not completely turned off by the idea. But he also says he can either take it or leave it. Can someone help me here? 

I feel for you. My wife still insists that she has a typical sex drive that was suppressed when I made a big deal about sex (and then became unsuppressed when I made a big deal about her yelling at me about sex *grumble*), but she does still like to climax under certain specific conditions. 

 

The only advice I can give you is to emphasize what @MrDane said that you will have to remind Mr. Smith when it is sex day. He will likely not remember on his own because it isn't something he looks forward to. What is his perception of your current sex schedule? When my wife is happy, she usually cannot remember the last time we had sex, and when she is mad or exasperated the last time was always "yesterday" or "last week." 

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Jewel Bright

I am 34, asexual, and been married to my favorite person in the world since I was 19. Til about 6 months ago I didn't know about asexuality. Our issues around sex have piled quite high and we are only now digging through the pieces, but as we have started really addressing our differences we have begun to be more non-sexually physical. More kind touches and standing closer together. I realized that the fear and guilt of "cuddling" being misinterpreted as "arousal" made both of us stop touching each other altogether, which made our relationship worse and worse, and sex (for me where it was ONLY about relationship) harder and harder to be present in.

 

I agree with @MrDane (I think) who said that you need to work up a different common vocabulary.   

 

Also, get rid of guilt and shame as motivators toward sex. That will kill you both.

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