Aromantic Love

[lunarmorgan]

     I am new to the AVEN forums despite having frequently visited here over the past few years. I can't remember my old account for the life of me, but I don't think I did anything but sign up for notifications... No worries. Anyways, I have come into a little bit of a predicament: confirming my aromanticism (is that a word?).

 

     Here's a bit of background. I've identified as asexual for at least three years or so (since I was 14), and I was recently in my first, "official" relationship. It lasted 8 months and began before I started identifying as aromantic (I came to the conclusion I was on the spectrum a month after the break up). The whole asexuality deal went over well, and I genuinely loved him -- but not in a way that screamed romance to me. It was different than friend love, but I think that was only because I trusted him on a much deeper level and felt comfortable with the idea of having a life with him. Despite this, there was always something that seemed lacking on my part. He told me he thought I just didn't know how "to express love normally." Although this is true, I had a gut feeling it was deeper than that. Now, I'm an artist, and my first assumption was that because he wasn't my muse I was unable to attach a deeper connection to him. That was one of the things, looking back, that should have been a major sign for me pointing me in the aromantic direction. 

     The reason why I never thought I could be aromantic any of the past four years that I've learned about Ace/Aro/etc. stuff was because I always wanted a nice relationship where someone cared about me and always put me first (this also ties into the several years of my life where I was profoundly depressed and all I wanted was someone who cared). This week I've been wondering if maybe my upbringing and the social constructs around me helped to lead me down the caring = romance. I'm Chinese American, but my parents are very Americanized and readily admit to their lack of Chinese culture. However, my extended family is significantly more traditional. I'm thinking that the idea that even family are not close and affectionate reinforced the idea that the only way I would find love and affection would be through a romantic relationship.

     All that being said, there is a very tiny, minuscule, and barely noticable difference in my squishes and my crushes (the one's I used to get before I started calling them squishes). Squishes are people I want to be close with and want them to be a part of my life/me apart of their life. Crushes, on the other hand, (keep in mind crushes haven't appeared in my life since I was maybe 12) are people I'm perfectly content with being close friends with. My explanations of that sound ridiculously similar, but there's something separating them. I thought for a while that I might be lithromantic, except I've only had two crushes...ever. The closest thing to heartbreak I've ever felt was when I had a huge falling out involving mental health with my first crush and then when my second one moved across the country to study. But then again, maybe those two crushes were just more extreme squishes?

 

    So, my main questions and reasons for starting this thread are:

          1) Does anyone else have examples of love being a spectrum where romance is one side and there's the more familial love on the other side? 

          2) Are there others out there (I feel kind of alone lol) that have gone through a similar kind of experience of thinking they're romantic when perhaps they weren't?

          3) From this information, would it be better for me to identify as aro or should I maybe be looking at lithro? (I know labels aren't defining and I shouldn't rely on them and all that, but personally it will keep hanging over me until I put a label on it. And any second opinions might help me to do that)

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

Hey there Luna

 

Welcome back to AVEN!

 

I was thinking of myself as being alosexual for more than 20 years before finally discovering the "ace" inside of me last year. I also had a few relationships but looking back on it now, I know that it's never been focused on sex or romantic attractuon,  except for one time. So right now, I feel like being aro for most of the time when being out in the streets while still wishing I could find someone to spend the rest of my life with sometimes. I'm having one squish atm and some crushes in the past but that's kinda different to real life experience. So yeah, I'm actually quite happy with my fictoromantic relationship atm, somewhere inbetween a RL crush  and romantic relationship, while waiting for "prince charming" to come along....

[Galactic Turtle]

21 minutes ago, lunarmorgan said:

1) Does anyone else have examples of love being a spectrum where romance is one side and there's the more familial love on the other side? 

Romance has always been kind of confusing to me. As for love being a spectrum there's undoubtedly different kinds of love but amongst my peers and from listening to my parents comment about other parents I have realized that not all romantic relationships look the same way. Some are wildly passionate with grandiose displays of affection, social media filled to the brim with couple photos. One friend described her feelings towards her own boyfriend as one of complete comfort and safety and a very active desire to just be around him. I suppose squish would be part of the love spectrum you're talking about but I don't have any experience with that type of feeling nor the stereotypical romantic feeling. I'm still unsure about my romantic orientation.

 

 

21 minutes ago, lunarmorgan said:

2) Are there others out there (I feel kind of alone lol) that have gone through a similar kind of experience of thinking they're romantic when perhaps they weren't?

Romantic is thought of as the default. It's just something that is supposed to happen. Growing up it's not something I concerned myself with simply because I just never thought about it even as all of my friends in high school were dating probably because I simply wasn't attracted to anyone's existence which is how these things usually start. In college I had my first notable encounter. Between my sophomore and junior year I worked with a man who after being friendly with me began taking bold steps to make his interest known. In my head this is how things were supposed to happen, right? You go about life and somewhere along the way a boy chooses you, your father approves, and then you are married. He was polite, physically strong, hardworking, and had a calm charisma to him. Before he even said a word to me I had to do a double take because he was handsome as well. If we could've stayed at arm's length from each other I still wonder what that would've been like. But at the time even though I was twenty years old, I still had a poor real understanding of what dating someone usually meant. In particular I didn't think about the physicality or the burning attention. I've had issues with touch my entire life. Even physical closeness puts me on edge such as being the person sitting in the middle on a couch, the sound of someone's heartbeat, the feeling of breath on my skin. In college I'd become so uncomfortable sitting in the lecture hall if I didn't find an end seat I found myself unable to concentrate and sometimes sweating of feeling dizzy or sick. Would I have been able to work past all of this with him? I still have no idea. The second he cornered me in an equipment closet and asked me if I was a virgin though I was terrified and spent the next two months being gossiped about by everyone else where I was working. My second and most recent encounter was two years ago when I was a senior in college. After lots of family pressure I decided to go to a party and "make myself available" by not rejecting dances from anyone who asked. An hour later I was being touched all over my body without consent. I discovered AVEN a few weeks after that and haven't looked back.

 

I still don't know if I'm aromantic or not or even if I'm asexual or not. I don't really have much to go on. At best I'm probably gray-romantic since I've only even slightly been drawn to one person's existence. Was that just me realizing I met someone who was everything I knew my parents want me to have? Maybe. But at the same time I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything in life by remaining single and cheering for my friends as they find romantic partners who make them happy. No matter what label I take on it seems like I'm not mentally built for this type of thing.

 

22 minutes ago, lunarmorgan said:

3) From this information, would it be better for me to identify as aro or should I maybe be looking at lithro? (I know labels aren't defining and I shouldn't rely on them and all that, but personally it will keep hanging over me until I put a label on it. And any second opinions might help me to do that)

I'd say go with what fits you. I'm not sure what lithro means. Sorry if this last answer wasn't helpful at all. XD

[weijiangling]

 

1 hour ago, lunarmorgan said:

1) Does anyone else have examples of love being a spectrum where romance is one side and there's the more familial love on the other side? 

I think that's basically how it works for me, and I consider myself romantic. When I have romantic feelings for someone, it's basically the same as friendship feelings, just stronger. There's a few differences but for that I'm just going to link a different post I wrote. Boop.

 

22 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

drawn to one person's existence

I love this phrasing so much.

[lunarmorgan]

21 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

In particular I didn't think about the physicality or the burning attention. I've had issues with touch my entire life. Even physical closeness puts me on edge such as being the person sitting in the middle on a couch, the sound of someone's heartbeat, the feeling of breath on my skin.

I also get really uncomfortable with touch, with everyone except my mother. I couldn't stand touch particularly for the past several years.

 

21 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

drawn to one person's existence

Do you guys consider that romantic inclination then? Is that different than the way you feel with like squishes? 

 

Although now that I think about it, that is definitely different than most of my friends and family (because I'm not being "drawn" to them and rather have been introduced to them by convenience and tradition). So I'm thinking either more aromantic where my squishes are just the squishes thing (in addition to inspiration/muses), or maybe I'm only slightly romantic and all the squishes were just kind of crushes? 

Another thing that comes to mind is that I've always grown up thinking how nice a relationship would be, and although I don't love romance novels I have always appreciated them to some degree (if they aren't too overpowering, that is). 

[lunarmorgan]

22 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I'd say go with what fits you. I'm not sure what lithro means. Sorry if this last answer wasn't helpful at all. XD

Lithro/akio/(there are other names for it, but I don't know all of them) basically means someone can feel romantic feelings and can be in love without needing those same feelings to be reciprocated. 

My first squish and my first crush were both kind of like that, where I knew I loved them in a stronger but similar way to my family and close friends. My first squish had a girlfriend in a long term and distance relationship, and I was totally okay with that. We texted throughout almost every day for like a year, but when he asked me out I kind of freaked out (my mom thinks the girlfriend part may have been a lie). My first "crush" was only really different in the sense I was okay with physical contact with him, even though it was strictly platonic. 

 

My only problem with identifying as such is that I honestly have no clue what the difference between the love in the two examples above and love I have for friends is. I can separate love for my family (blood or otherwise) and the love I have for my friends, but the love I have for friends is just a huge spectrum of something I have no clue with (which is why I asked about the spectrum thing)

[weijiangling]

1 hour ago, lunarmorgan said:

Do you guys consider that romantic inclination then? Is that different than the way you feel with like squishes? 

I'm not sure how to define a "squish" for me, unless it's the times when I have crushy feelings but don't want to actually pursue a relationship... but the latter usually has more to do with reasons it wouldn't ultimately work out that have nothing to do with my feelings, so I'd have to say the feelings themselves are exactly the same.

 

1 hour ago, lunarmorgan said:

My only problem with identifying as such is that I honestly have no clue what the difference between the love in the two examples above and love I have for friends is. I can separate love for my family (blood or otherwise) and the love I have for my friends, but the love I have for friends is just a huge spectrum of something I have no clue with (which is why I asked about the spectrum thing)

In my experience, romantic love and friend love have very little separating them other than degree. Romantic love is stronger, I want to think about that person more actively, I want to be physically closer and I want that more often. I feel like somewhere in there I have a separation between friendship and romance feelings, but it's blurry and a bit hard to actually define. Also, for what it's worth, my partner feels exactly the same way you do except experiences those feelings as varying degrees of romantic -- he doesn't develop "friendship" until after the crush has played out and the friend is still around and not likely to ever be a romantic partner. I think if I had to try to put a finger on the dividing line for me, it's the degree to which I want to be someone special to the person in question.

 

I'm starting to feel like whether feelings are perceived as friendship or romance is entirely subjective and based entirely on what the person feeling them thinks they "should" be, and being asexual just makes it hard to differentiate because most sexuals will say sexual desire is an inherent part of romance. I also keep wondering whether I perceive a difference just because "romantic attraction" starts hitting the "grey" part of my asexuality. Not that I want to have sex, but if I want to do anything in that realm (like, say, more intense kissing) it'll be with someone I have romantic feelings toward.

[lunarmorgan]

41 minutes ago, weijiangling said:

Also, for what it's worth, my partner feels exactly the same way you do except experiences those feelings as varying degrees of romantic -- he doesn't develop "friendship" until after the crush has played out and the friend is still around and not likely to ever be a romantic partner. I think if I had to try to put a finger on the dividing line for me, it's the degree to which I want to be someone special to the person in question.

Okay, I think that clears it up for me a little bit actually. I think being "someone special" makes a lot of sense to me, now that I think about it, even if that specialness isn't necessarily romantic in my eyes. 

[Galactic Turtle]

3 hours ago, lunarmorgan said:

Do you guys consider that romantic inclination then? Is that different than the way you feel with like squishes? 

 

Although now that I think about it, that is definitely different than most of my friends and family (because I'm not being "drawn" to them and rather have been introduced to them by convenience and tradition). So I'm thinking either more aromantic where my squishes are just the squishes thing (in addition to inspiration/muses), or maybe I'm only slightly romantic and all the squishes were just kind of crushes? 

Another thing that comes to mind is that I've always grown up thinking how nice a relationship would be, and although I don't love romance novels I have always appreciated them to some degree (if they aren't too overpowering, that is).

Based on my one experience as well as the observations of others, crushes can have different levels to them. Even for the dude I mentioned at the time I wasn't like... thinking about him 24/7. When he was around I definitely noticed and I definitely picked up on the pattern of days I knew he was working. All in all if I was the main character of a movie he'd be like... a sub plot that's maybe mentioned once every couple episodes mostly because I had so much going on. Despite all that I know that the way I felt about him was distinctly different from how I feel about my friends. Did I want to be in a relationship with him? Not particularly. Did I consider the possibility? Yes. My thought process was a bit like "I'm drawn to this person seemingly for no reason at all and because I can't identify any clear benefit to pursuing this feeling I'm not going to go out of my way to do anything about it." I'm not sure if this is exactly normal for people experiencing having a crush but while technically I function as what some people might describe as aromantic, that feeling does stick out in my mind as something that would be uncharacteristic of an aromantic person. Who knows, maybe I just have a fear of intimacy.

 

I really can't comment on the difference between a crush and a squish from my own personal experience simply because my feelings towards everyone have all been below a certain threshold except for that one person and even with that one exception the feelings seemed to be a lot weaker than what I've been told about most people who have crushes. I don't have enough data to go off of.

[weijiangling]

12 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Did I want to be in a relationship with him? Not particularly. Did I consider the possibility? Yes. My thought process was a bit like "I'm drawn to this person seemingly for no reason at all and because I can't identify any clear benefit to pursuing this feeling I'm not going to go out of my way to do anything about it." I'm not sure if this is exactly normal for people experiencing having a crush but while technically I function as what some people might describe as aromantic, that feeling does stick out in my mind as something that would be uncharacteristic of an aromantic person.

That definitely sounds like what I said could maybe be labeled a squish for me. The crushes that I don't actually want to go anywhere. 

 

12 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

my feelings towards everyone have all been below a certain threshold except for that one person and even with that one exception the feelings seemed to be a lot weaker than what I've been told about most people who have crushes

With the above, that sounds like one of my milder ones, so I'd say this is probably accurate.