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I love sex with someone I love


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It's hard for me to love, it takes time, and a lot of effort on the part of the partner. Only 3 times in almost 35 yrs. When I'm in love, sex is great. Problem is I think I only like other asexuals... and all kinds of problems ensue. They withdraw from me... Or only want me to initiate... or stay "with" me but not want sex anymore. Living with a 66 yr old guy now who said it might come back... but I know it's not right. He used to be affectionate... for a year he was really affectionate. The next year he was less so, more sexual. Third and fourth years he's more a friend that is not affectionate at all, and nothing romantic in almost 3 years. I don't know if I'm happy. We get along, we sleep in the same bed, and for (I think) both of us, there really isn't anyone else. We both maintain something of a relationship with our exes. But it's not sexual either. I worry that as a sensitive and loving person, I'll wither and fade away not showing my love to someone. It also seems like this is the best partnership ever. There's no drama. I don't know what we are. I feel romantic sometimes, but dont express it, becausethere's too much heartache from that... can't do it anymore. I've considered we're both gay and don't know it. I never tried with a girl but like I said, I'd have to be in love. I just never felt that way except for a few people... And it's like I don't stop either. Still love them. I have to repeat again. I love sex. I just want nothing to do with it if it's not with the person I love. (In the past 3 years I did hook up a little with my ex... which seemed fine because current guy obviously doesn't care and for the obvious reason... he's the only option for sex because I still love him... But also stupid because we could not possibly go anywhere...I mean, because he is too unstable. Anybody resonate? I'm reading a bit and see most people say they hate sex. Not me, but this term seems to apply anyway.  thanks for letting me write this out. It is easier to look at outside of me and knowing you will understand. 

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Welcome to AVEN, Zebul.  Have some :cake:

 

Asexuals generally don't want sex with anyone, whether we love them or not.  That's kind of what being an asexual means.  Some sexuals who are members of AVEN (because they are in relationships with asexuals) have stated that they really need to be in love with someone to have sex, but when they are, they do want and enjoy sex.   We can't tell you whether the man you're with could be asexual or not, but you might show him this website and ask if he wants to investigate it.  Meanwhile, you're invited to look around yourself.  

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Welcome to AVEN! And, might I suggest that you look into demisexuality, as wanting sex with someone after forming a romantic attachment is typical of that orientation, which, to me, sounds like what you are describing. However, don't feel like you have to identify one way or another, your orientation is for you to decide and you know yourself best!

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weijiangling

First of all, welcome!

 

I resonate to an extent. You sound demisexual--sexually attracted to someone only after establishing a very strong emotional connection. It's a label I used to use for myself, because I can enjoy sex, but can't really imagine it without having pretty strong feelings regarding the person in question. Doesn't have to be romantic for me; I could hypothetically do the friends with benefits thing if it was heavy on the "friends" part. I switched away from that label recently because I've realized I don't actually need or want sex, even with the requisite relationship. Right now, I have asexual partners and haven't had sex for a year and I'm totally happy with it. Pretty sure past experience had a lot to do with expecting myself to be "normal" and not being repulsed enough to make it immediately obvious I wasn't.

 

A few years back, though, I had myself convinced I did want that, though, so I know how frustrating that lack of options is, especially when people end up convinced you're not interested in them sexually (because you aren't) and by the time you get to the point of emotional closeness where it would be plausible, the person in question has gotten used to not viewing you that way. It's really hard to be on the same page as anyone.

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