Grey-romantic, Romantic, or somewhere in between?

[Somewhere_inbetween89]

Hello all- I am posting this because I am a little confused about my romantic orientation. I am sexual and used to identify as a grey romantic but now I'm thinking that I might either be a romantic or somewhere in between grey and a "normal" romantic person. There isn't nearly as much research on aromantacism as there is on asexuality, which is a shame, because I pretty much have to rely on message boards and anecdotal evidence to figure this out! Maybe through this forum I can connect with other people to figure out if my experience is more typical of a grey or a "regular" romantic person. The things you should know about me are:

 

1. I am 28 years old and have never had a serious relationship or been totally in love. However, I want a relationship and have a relationship drive and a desire to have that connection with someone (I understand that some grey and fully aro people lack the relationship drive, but not all), and a romantic relationship is something I could see myself being a part of one day, as well as falling in love, getting married, and doing all the mushy couple things that other people talk about. I am not romanced repulsed and enjoy romantic things, and feel  a sense of longing when I see couples, like I would aspire to have that one day. I love seeing people in love and love the idea of being in love. However, meeting that person seems to be where I'm cursed! 

 

2. I have had 12 crushes total on real people: including 7 regular/ more mild crushes and 5 intense infatuations. However, none of these ever lucked into turning into an actual romantic relationship, even though I wanted some of them to. I understand that most grey people say they have only had 5 or less crushes in their life, and even one guy on a forum who identified as a grey said that even though he had 10 crushes, he had no desire for a relationship. So would the fact that I have had 12 crushes plus have the relationship drive/longing knock me out of the grey category? The thing is: even though I have had all of these crushes, I've never been totally in love. Even my intense infatuations never turned into a full blown love experience yet. Is it that I haven't met the right person to push me over the edge? I have had romantic people tell me it can take up to a year of dating to fall in love with someone, maybe because the fact that I have never had a serious relationship means there's never been the chance for those intense feelings to develop? Or maybe being totally head over heels just can't happen for me? The thing is, I don't see guys I like that much, and my crushes seem to be spaced out a lot (no crushes on real people since I was 26, just celebrities). I only get a crush every once in awhile, so it's super hard to find a guy I like enough to even date! The guys in the past I pushed away due to trust issues. One thing is for certain: I better not push my next crush away because I only get them once every few years! 

 

3.) I have had many crushes on celebrities, too many to count, and probably four intense crushes on celebrities that really stand out, some lasting several years. The most recent celebrity I've had a crush on lasted two years, and that's honestly the most intense I've ever felt about anyone, real or imagined. Too bad he's out of reach! He was perfect I honestly think the feelings that I had for him at times felt as intense as the love feelings some other people describe, but I don't count it as a real love of course because I never met him in person. However, the tarot/Ouija told me that if we had met in person, we could have fallen in love So that at least gives me hope that I CAN feel those love feelings, it's just finding a real person to feel them for will be my challenge. :/ 

 

3.) To my credit, while I rarely get crushes, I haven't been out dating much either in my twenties, because I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. So maybe it's the fact that I don't date that makes it harder for me to encounter a crush. I want to date, I just avoid it out of fear and have low self esteem. Men tell me in really pretty and that they find me attractive, but I just seem to be cursed with finding them! I have recently overcome my fear and joined a dating website because I woke up and realized "holy crap, I'm 28 and I still have no relationship/love experience under my belt!!" I have been on four dates but am not ready to give up yet, I have had romantic people tell me that even for them, finding love on a dating website can be extremely difficult. So if I don't like people that often, I might have to search even harder than them to find someone I actually like!!

 

 

WHEW! I am so sorry about that long post, but it felt so great to get all of that off my chest! Thank you so much to anyone who just read all of that, I wish I could give you a hug! ANY advice you could give me would be great, weather you are a romantic, grey, or aro! It would be great to see what your experience is like and how mine stacks up to yours. It would be great if I could figure this all out. 

 

Based on what I just told you, do you think I sound like a romantic or grey? I know at the end of the day I have to be the one to identify myself, but it would be great to hear input from others in the community. Thanks again and I hope to hear from you all soon! 

 

 

Sincerely, 

 

Confused   

 

[weijiangling]

So I'll preface this by saying that I'm definitely romantic, and greyromantic is a somewhat hard concept for me to process... so if anyone's grey there, feel very free to come in here and contradict me!

 

You sound romantic to me. Just because you don't fall in love at the drop of a hat doesn't necessarily negate that, the same way I'd say if someone is picky about sexual partners it doesn't necessarily make them asexual. Depending on your own perceptions of your experiences it can, so I definitely won't say you shouldn't claim grey if that feels right to you, but I think your experience could still fit inside a wider umbrella of "normal" in the romantic category. I definitely don't think that "relationship experience" is an indicator, since that requires people you're romantically interested in being mutually romantically interested, and that's more about luck than your orientation. 

 

For what it's worth, I have no question that my orientation is romantic but I don't really "date." The times when I've been on dating sites have been generally stressful experiences for me (though that's partly because I'm asexual and always worried about running into expectations I don't want to deal with; maybe that doesn't apply so much in your case), but also the concept of traditional dating doesn't really fit in my brain. It brings too much pressure with it in my opinion, like going on "a date" means you have to immediately decide whether this person is "right" or not. The simple fact that the situation puts me in a mindset where I feel like I have to come to some conclusion about "Do I like this person, yes or no?" makes it harder to feel like there's any actual connection. Whenever I've dated people (and I have had several relationships over the course of my life thus far) it's been because I got to know someone through some mutual activity that had nothing to do with dating (classes, hobbies, social times with mutual friends, etc) and then developed a crush after seeing things I liked about how they acted in a "regular day" kind of situation. I think that's the other thing that bothers me about "dates"; people tend to act not quite like themselves to try to impress the other person and it just makes everything a little weird. If I'm trying to meet people, I usually go for some kind of non-dating group activity, like joining a meetup group or something, where I'll have fun doing the thing regardless of whether I meet someone awesome there or not. It's a good way to meet people in a low pressure way and not be disappointed if the person you're looking for doesn't immediately surface.

[quasarshift]

Hello! I identify as greyromantic and here's my input for each thing:

 

1. I want a relationship too and this is one of the reasons why I identify as grey instead of fully aro. I just feel more comfortable that way. However, the definition for aromantic is someone who doesn't feel romantic attraction, and it doesn't include anything about having a relationship drive. It's like how some people can have a libido and still be asexual.

 

2. It's tricky determining what counts as romantic attraction, like when you say you've had crushes but not being totally in love. Personally, I think that crushes are romantic. I've only ever had one real person that I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with, which I think is what it means to have a crush. This is another reason why I identify as grey, because I count that as romantic attraction, yet I don't normally feel this way towards anyone at all. I know this was a unique case so it's easier for me to say. If I had more I might identify as romantic. My crush also turned out to be impossible, but I don't think that whether or not things work out determines romantic orientation, as long as the attraction is there [or absent].

 

3. I would say that celebrity and fictional crushes count, but that's just me. If you don't, that's fine and it doesn't mean you can't be grey. I've had a couple of fictional crushes, not many at all and they weren't very intense either, but they were there. I think if it shows that you're capable of romantic love feelings, despite being directed towards someone you can't be with, then you could be romantic. It's just like with my crush that didn't work out, so this would also contribute to my grey identity.

 

4. I don't take relationship/dating experience into account when it comes to orientation. I also have mental illness and I consider it separate too. These are more like situations to me, things that have an outside component involved. Well, what I act like when I'm unwell makes me seem more aro when I'm probably not, but I still don't think it means anything, because that's just my behavior and situation.

 

These are just my opinions. I think you sound romantic, but as you already know, you know yourself best and it's up to you what you feel most comfortable identifying as. Also for me, I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to be romantic or aromantic and comparing what I know about myself to those ideas, seeing what fits and what doesn't. I hope this helps!