Grey-Romantic or Romantic, or somewhere in between?

[Somewhere_inbetween89]

Hello all- I am posting this because I am a little confused about my romantic orientation. I am sexual and used to identify as a grey romantic but now I'm thinking that I might either be a romantic or somewhere in between grey and a "normal" romantic person. There isn't nearly as much research on aromantacism as there is on asexuality, which is a shame, because I pretty much have to rely on message boards and anecdotal evidence to figure this out! Maybe through this forum I can connect with other people to figure out if my experience is more typical of a grey or a "regular" romantic person. The things you should know about me are:

 

1. I am 28 years old and have never had a serious relationship or been totally in love. However, I want a relationship and have a relationship drive and a desire to have that connection with someone (I understand that some grey and fully aro people lack the relationship drive, but not all), and a romantic relationship is something I could see myself being a part of one day, as well as falling in love, getting married, and doing all the mushy couple things that other people talk about. I am not romanced repulsed and enjoy romantic things, and feel  a sense of longing when I see couples, like I would aspire to have that one day. I love seeing people in love and love the idea of being in love. However, meeting that person seems to be where I'm cursed! 

 

2. I have had 12 crushes total on real people: including 7 regular/ more mild crushes and 5 intense infatuations. However, none of these ever lucked into turning into an actual romantic relationship, even though I wanted some of them to. I understand that most grey people say they have only had 5 or less crushes in their life, and even one guy on a forum who identified as a grey said that even though he had 10 crushes, he had no desire for a relationship. So would the fact that I have had 12 crushes plus have the relationship drive/longing knock me out of the grey category? The thing is: even though I have had all of these crushes, I've never been totally in love. Even my intense infatuations never turned into a full blown love experience yet. Is it that I haven't met the right person to push me over the edge? I have had romantic people tell me it can take up to a year of dating to fall in love with someone, maybe because the fact that I have never had a serious relationship means there's never been the chance for those intense feelings to develop? Or maybe being totally head over heels just can't happen for me? The thing is, I don't see guys I like that much, and my crushes seem to be spaced out a lot (no crushes on real people since I was 26, just celebrities). I only get a crush every once in awhile, so it's super hard to find a guy I like enough to even date! The guys in the past I pushed away due to trust issues. One thing is for certain: I better not push my next crush away because I only get them once every few years! 

 

3.) I have had many crushes on celebrities, too many to count, and probably four intense crushes on celebrities that really stand out, some lasting several years. The most recent celebrity I've had a crush on lasted two years, and that's honestly the most intense I've ever felt about anyone, real or imagined. Too bad he's out of reach! He was perfect I honestly think the feelings that I had for him at times felt as intense as the love feelings some other people describe, but I don't count it as a real love of course because I never met him in person. However, the tarot/Ouija told me that if we had met in person, we could have fallen in love So that at least gives me hope that I CAN feel those love feelings, it's just finding a real person to feel them for will be my challenge. :/ 

 

3.) To my credit, while I rarely get crushes, I haven't been out dating much either in my twenties, because I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. So maybe it's the fact that I don't date that makes it harder for me to encounter a crush. I want to date, I just avoid it out of fear and have low self esteem. Men tell me in really pretty and that they find me attractive, but I just seem to be cursed with finding them! I have recently overcome my fear and joined a dating website because I woke up and realized "holy crap, I'm 28 and I still have no relationship/love experience under my belt!!" I have been on four dates but am not ready to give up yet, I have had romantic people tell me that even for them, finding love on a dating website can be extremely difficult. So if I don't like people that often, I might have to search even harder than them to find someone I actually like!!

 

 

WHEW! I am so sorry about that long post, but it felt so great to get all of that off my chest! Thank you so much to anyone who just read all of that, I wish I could give you a hug! ANY advice you could give me would be great, weather you are a romantic, grey, or aro! It would be great to see what your experience is like and how mine stacks up to yours. It would be great if I could figure this all out. 

 

Based on what I just told you, do you think I sound like a romantic or grey? I know at the end of the day I have to be the one to identify myself, but it would be great to hear input from others in the community. Thanks again and I hope to hear from you all soon! 

 

 

Sincerely, 

 

Confused   

 

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

I think that there's actually a high possibility that you may find yourself being most comfortable somewhere on the grey ace spectrum but it's only up to you to decide which label works best for you I have a very low libido with almost no romantic attraction so I'm fine with using the demigray-A tag for myself here