We should have talked about your childhood. *Trigger warning: Sexual abuse and trauma*

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

For most sexuals, the lack of sex would have about the same effect as your partner constantly being out, and absolutely I wouldn't write it off without trying to fix it, or assume it was just a given. Either it was thoughtlessness, or he had some deep-seated need to party as a result of some childhood need to be widely socially accepted without too much intimacy...  or something. A1There's a good chance it could be tackled via therapy, if he wanted. And if he didn't want to, I'd take that as a strong signal the relationship was way less important than partying, and way less important than your feelings.

 

Erm. He just enjoys being out and socializing and having a few drinks. That's his way of enjoying life. And I wouldn't want to be with him, if the only way to do so would be for him to change. He did initially try to be less social and stay at home when we got together, cause I wasn't into it, but he wasn't happy that way. And we couldn't connect cause we wanted different things out of life. That's really all there was to it - we were different. Could he have changed? Maybe, but why should he? He is happiest when he's out and about. I could have changed, maybe, via medications / therapy to be less anxious during such socializing (I hate crowds  ) but why should I? I am happiest at home. We did the mature thing and admitted we didn't work together as a couple, we just weren't compatible. We're still friends though, 16 years later. He was even giving my partner advice when we all met up for lunch! 

 

Same way I would never have asked my partners who did not enjoy cuddling to try to learn to enjoy it. They tried to do it for me at times, cause I did, but I wasn't interested since they weren't enjoying it. I would have never asked them to try to change though.

 

Same with my current partner... there are some things that I actually can't do because of trauma that I think my partner would enjoy. I've just got too many bad experiences with those things though. And she doesn't expect me to try to do those things. She accepts it's a no-go. And I accept the things that are a no-go for her, no matter what has caused them. Because, instead of trying to change each other, we accept each other. That goes for physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, etc. 

 

I don't see being the way you want to be being important to a person as a bad thing. If that makes them incompatible with their partner, then that sucks, really. But, we all have things we won't change about ourselves for other people (well, most of us, some people will literally become another person when in a relationship...). That doesn't mean you don't care about a person, it just means you don't mesh with them. And no one should feel obligated to change who they are (and who they want to be) to make another person happy, no matter how much they care about them. That sometimes means the relationship doesn't work out, which is never fun. But, it doesn't mean people are wrong for not changing who they are.

[Sally]

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Oh come on, not liking parties is a whole different level to sex.

 

But for the rest, yes, in theory, but junking a relationship (especially after years of marriage) is never the straightforward thing some people seem to think.

 

 

I don't know anyone who thinks it's a straightforward -- as in easy -- thing to do.  And it's better thought of and talked about as ending a marriage, not "junking a relationship".   But there comes a time when a decision must be made, unless both parties are willing to spend the rest of their lives unhappy and complaining about each other.    

[Telecaster68]

8 hours ago, Sally said:

I don't know anyone who thinks it's a straightforward -- as in easy -- thing to do.  And it's better thought of and talked about as ending a marriage, not "junking a relationship".   But there comes a time when a decision must be made, unless both parties are willing to spend the rest of their lives unhappy and complaining about each other.    

Well forgive my informality.... I was actually including long term, marriage-esque relationships in that too.

 

I'd differentiate 'straightforward' from 'easy'. Something can be straightforward, as in what has to be done is very clear, and easy, as in not at all difficult to actually do it. Running a marathon is straightforward, but not easy.

[Nidwin]

Tele

 

The issue I'm having here is "let's try to fix with therapy, at least let's try it" something that has a very low % chance to be fixed. Op clearly stated that suddenly her dude became happy as her partner could finaly put a name (a label) on his situation. I do understand the frustration and the "he didn't even try out therapy, bastard, asshole" but the chances that he suddenly becomes sexual functional after explicitely identifying as aromantic asexual are close to nihil. Look at your situation with your beloved and she clearly stated to you that she's not ace.

 

In this case it doesn't even matter if past trauma or abuse had some or any impact on his aro ace situation. He has come to a form of peace with himself about his lack of sexual desires. Therapy won't work in this case as he has already made up his mind while there's even a high possibility he being a natural aro ace.

[Homer]

32 minutes ago, Nidwin said:

The issue I'm having here is "let's try to fix with therapy, at least let's try it" something that has a very low % chance to be fixed.

Thing is that if this actually is caused by trauma instead of asexuality, there's a good chance for things to change (for the benefit of everyone involved, as Tele tried to explain). I don't have personal experience with abuse, but given that abuse affects you on a deeply personal and intimate level, I can totally see an appeal in clinging to that "label" instead of even trying to address a possible issue, causing a lot of pain in the process.

 

I'm with Tele - it would be worth looking at it at least because it's clearly one possible solution that might work. If they still end up feeling the same about sex, so be it.

[AthenaFay]

14 minutes ago, Homer said:

Thing is that if this actually is caused by trauma instead of asexuality, there's a good chance for things to change (for the benefit of everyone involved, as Tele tried to explain). I don't have personal experience with abuse, but given that abuse affects you on a deeply personal and intimate level, I can totally see an appeal in clinging to that "label" instead of even trying to address a possible issue, causing a lot of pain in the process.

 

I'm with Tele - it would be worth looking at it at least because it's clearly one possible solution that might work. If they still end up feeling the same about sex, so be it.

 

I agree completely.

 

I still care about my aro-ace ex - we're still great friends in fact, and even though we aren't together anymore as partners, I still hope that one day he gets therapy. Even if we were still together, even if he had therapy back then, even if he remained aro-ace after therapy, the worst case scenario would be getting to work on and resolve issues from his past. 

 

Speaking solely for myself of course, I don't think I could quite feel content with the security of my own sexuality if I had once strung someone along for years (don't get me wrong, I don't believe that he did that deliberately or consciously!) under the guise of actually being a romantic sexual, and then suddenly the entire thing essentially reversing, and knowing that my very introduction to love and sexuality were under abusive or unhealthy circumstances. 

[Nidwin]

I disagree Homer (can't always agree of course) and with Tele on this one.

 

Yes if he would have been willing to give it a shot.

Nope if he says, I'm fine the way I'm and no need for therapy.

 

As Serran stated, it's a personal choice that needs to be respected as long as he accepts the consequences of his decision, in this case a break up.

[Telecaster68]

Quote

The issue I'm having here is "let's try to fix with therapy, at least let's try it" something that has a very low % chance to be fixed.

Yes, I'm making a wider point. In that particular case, maybe it was  a low chance of being fixed and the OP's partner was very clear. But there are enough cases where asexuality isn't the slam dunk - not so much on AVEN, because it's a self selecting community, but there are other boards (like Reddit's DeadBedrooms for example) where it's clear that there are plenty of other potential reasons; and a fair number of posters on AVEN also seem not as clear cut. Obviously something is 'up' though, and mostly it's a painful to address for both partners, and it's damaging the relationship. The nonsexual partner invoking 'asexuality' can be a way to close down doing anything else, so all the change has to come from the other partner.

[Telecaster68]

Serran

 

I agree, there's some things we don't want to change about ourselves and if they're dealbreakers. so be it. Sex (or the lack thereof) is a big one.

 

The key difference between sex and more or less anything else in a relationship is that one partner's decision controls the other's. Rather than breaking up over going out, you and your partner could've agreed that he would go out, you would stay in, and you both got what you wanted. That doesn't work with sex (short of an open relationship, and they're problematical in other ways). An asexual saying they don't want to have sex means the the sexual can't have sex. Period. The asexual gets what they want, the sexual doesn't get what they want. Both sides will be stressed about it, but in the final analysis, the sexual has had no choice about whether or not they have sex.

[Nidwin]

Humans will never stop to amaze me with their pathetic behaviour it seems. I wasn't aware Tele that there were jerks out there manipulating the asexual label to their own needs, sorry. I'm aware of folks not willing to accept the label but I wasn't about the other way around.

 

I don't know now.

 

@AthenaFay

Do you think your ex was misusing the label just to avoid being properly intimate with you?

[AthenaFay]

1 minute ago, Nidwin said:

I disagree Homer (can't always agree of course) and with Tele on this one.

 

Yes if he would have been willing to give it a shot.

Nope if he says, I'm fine the way I'm and no need for therapy.

 

As Serran stated, it's a personal choice that needs to be respected as long as he accepts the consequences of his decision, in this case a break up.

Absolutely, I completely agree. You can't force anyone into therapy, nor should you. I just think that considering the full extent of positives and personal benefits that could potentially come from therapy, refusal is a bleak option when you have the possible alternatives of:

- retaining a relationship you wanted to keep 
- further solidifying your grasp of your sexual identity 
- recovering from your past

 

I see those as things worth seriously fighting for.

 

However, when we were together I don't think I actually once dared tread on that territory back then after his coming out. Besides, I know he wouldn't have been up for going to any kind of therapy for his past anyway, and honestly, I think that lack of drive to improve is as a powerful a romantic relationship deterrent to me as coming out as aro-ace in the first place. While all this was going on with his aro-ace enlightenment period, that all being that, I was having to work on saving my own soul whether I was in the mood for it or not. My world had fallen apart; breaking up with him also meant that I would lose the apartment we were renting together, and that I would need to completely change the direction of my entire life. So I was the one to go into therapy. Lol. 

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, Nidwin said:

Humans will never stop to amaze me with their pathetic behaviour it seems. I wasn't aware Tele that there were jerks out there manipulating the asexual label to their own needs, sorry. I'm aware of folks not willing to accept the label but I wasn't about the other way around.

 

I don't know now.

I'm not saying they're doing it deliberately. The prospect of dealing with trauma and abuse is scary (I've been there), and denial is a powerful mechanism. Adopting 'asexuality' can be done in good faith and still be wrong (as @AthenaFay 's post explores).

 

However: sexuals are in there fighting for the relationship, or they'd have just left. They're fighting to suppress their own needs, be supportive of their partner, and trying to make the relationship work. That's just as tough as dealing with past trauma (been there too). In contrast, the nonsexual partner is able to hunker down and not deal actively with the situation because day to day, if the sexual shuts up about sex, the relationship is far more tolerable for them than it is for the sexual partner. I don't see any other way of interpreting that dynamic than all the work and 'compromise' being made by the sexual partner.

[Homer]

6 minutes ago, AthenaFay said:

Absolutely, I completely agree. You can't force anyone into therapy, nor should you.

Agreed. That's why nobody said so. There's a huge difference between looking at all the options (with the potential to not go for one of them) and simply refusing to look at one of those options to begin with.

[AthenaFay]

3 minutes ago, Nidwin said:

Humans will never stop to amaze me with their pathetic behaviour it seems. I wasn't aware Tele that there were jerks out there manipulating the asexual label to their own needs, sorry. I'm aware of folks not willing to accept the label but I wasn't about the other way around.

 

I don't know now.

 

@AthenaFay

Do you think your ex was misusing the label just to avoid being properly intimate with you?

 

He was, and still is, a wonderful and very kind man without a bad bone in his body. I do think that he wanted to avoid being intimate with me of course though, but not in order to manipulate me, or as a result of any cruel or abusive intentions. There was a time he burst into tears, declaring his secret hatred for sex, and his confusion at the mixture of pressure and desire to please. He actually went through many phases of having extremely mixed and contradictory emotions to many things, not just sex, for the entire time we were together. Sometimes it would seem that he loved sex, sometimes it would seem that he hated it. At first, we had a lot of very passionate sex, and I was truly led to believe that he not only experienced the emotion of falling in love, but that he had fallen in love with me. In later years, he reveals that he had never experienced the emotion of falling in love, at all, ever in his life, and that he felt the need to pretend and feign these emotions to fit in with the romantic sexual culture we live in.

I never knew what I was going to get at some points, and so in those early days, I would often gently and lovingly encourage therapy to him. I'd have held his hand through any appointment he wanted anywhere if he'd have wanted me there. It was when he came out as aro-ace that I felt that just, you don't fuck with that. After that, that was it, and I had had enough of wondering what to expect from one month to the next. 

[Nidwin]

That's not healthy and a dead end. You know my stance about mixed couples and dating anyway but folks can't have a honnest and healthy relation in such a context.

I know there are mixed ones around here on AVEN but still, for most folks this is extremely unhealthy, lack of proper intimacy and sex denail on the other end.

[Nidwin]

9 minutes ago, AthenaFay said:

 

He was, and still is, a wonderful and very kind man without a bad bone in his body. I do think that he wanted to avoid being intimate with me of course though, but not in order to manipulate me, or as a result of any cruel or abusive intentions. There was a time he burst into tears, declaring his secret hatred for sex, and his confusion at the mixture of pressure and desire to please. He actually went through many phases of having extremely mixed and contradictory emotions to many things, not just sex, for the entire time we were together. Sometimes it would seem that he loved sex, sometimes it would seem that he hated it. At first, we had a lot of very passionate sex, and I was truly led to believe that he not only experienced the emotion of falling in love, but that he had fallen in love with me. In later years, he reveals that he had never experienced the emotion of falling in love, at all, ever in his life, and that he felt the need to pretend and feign these emotions to fit in with the romantic sexual culture we live in.

I never knew what I was going to get at some points, and so in those early days, I would often gently and lovingly encourage therapy to him. I'd have held his hand through any appointment he wanted anywhere if he'd have wanted me there. It was when he came out as aro-ace that I felt that just, you don't fuck with that. After that, that was it, and I had had enough of wondering what to expect from one month to the next. 

 

For the bolded part.

May be, or may be not caused by past trauma or abusive behaviour towards him. He could be like me and others, just someone who simply doesn't experience love and probably neither hate or any extreme emotion.

[wishing]

I made an account to reply to this. Recently someone told me "physical abuse you get over; emotional abuse is who you are". It came from a psychiatrist.

 

I was physically & emotionally abused as a child. The above holds true for me. The beatings I remember clearly but they don't bother me. The fear? My teeth still chatter when I remember that. The glowering, the standing over me, the yelling, the knowing they were coming home & wondering what would happen next. It was worse than the beatings.

 

My asexual husband experienced none of that. What he did experience is an extraordinarily controlling mother (maybe narcissistic, but certainly with N-traits) who bragged openly about using sex to control his father. She chided me for not controlling him properly early in our marriage. He grew up thinking sex was a weapon. He still asks me for permission to do things, because he can't help but reflexively feel I am the permission-giver, because I'm the wife. I always refuse to give it. I say, "you're a grown man, you don't need my permission." He knows this intellectually, but he doesn't "get" it, even after decades of marriage and me always saying the same thing.

 

So he's asexual now. Could he unpack this in years of therapy? Maybe. I've never gotten over my response to people shouting - it's like a reflex. I still tremble like a war vet when I have to describe some aspects of my childhood. I am a very good mother and my kids are almost grown, all of them smart & healthy and socially adept. They have never experienced abuse in any way. I've gone on despite my past & been very successful with parenting - all without addressing my past in therapy. In fact, I went to see a psychiatrist who told me it was not useful to dredge up the past, and that I should focus instead on where I'm going & what I want to be.

 

My former abuse is who I am. His emotional abuse from his mother is who he is. He is affectionate, loving, kind, generous. Maybe his response to sex is a reflex, too. Maybe he would sit through decades of therapy and just get worse as he dredged all of this up. It's his right to just be who he is. I can accept him as he is, or I can leave.

 

For me, talking about the past was never useful. I've done it multiple times with psych-ologists-iatrists and in the end, the first one was right: my life is best when I focus forward, leave the past where it is, and deal with issues as they arise (IF they arise).

 

What I'm trying to say is: you can't assume any person will be better off, or able to change, if they pursue therapy. For some people it might be very useful. For others it could be damaging. We like to think everything can be talked out & fixed. In my opinion? That is very wishful & false thinking. You made the right choice to move on, so he can be who he is and find happiness that way. I hope you can let go of the bitterness.

[AthenaFay]

1 hour ago, wishing said:

What I'm trying to say is: you can't assume any person will be better off, or able to change, if they pursue therapy. For some people it might be very useful. For others it could be damaging. We like to think everything can be talked out & fixed. In my opinion? That is very wishful & false thinking. You made the right choice to move on, so he can be who he is and find happiness that way. I hope you can let go of the bitterness.

I think I'm starting to realize that I'm quite a demanding partner. If someone I'm intimately acquainted with suggests that I should get therapy or professional help, for understandable reasons (e.g. my issues are affecting the quality of my life, the quality of my relationship, my ability to work, function, etc), then I will do it, and I would absolutely expect the same in return. I do a lot to make my life and relationships work, and so I tend to also expect a lot from who I'm with. If they refuse, I start to doubt in the mutuality of the relationship in terms of determination and expectation. I want to be with someone for whom I can do a lot for, and I want to be with someone who will do a lot for me when necessary.  

 

I myself am currently in therapy (psychotherapy once a fortnight; counselling once a week), in part for the emotional abuse and neglect I endured as a child (and the subsequent mental illnesses I was diagnosed with as a result of such an upbringing); it is helping me enormously and I don't know what I'd do without it. You are right: this is not a one-size-fits-all thing. However, even regardless of conflicts in sexuality and relationship compatability, if someone is suffering in their life due to things which happened to them in the past, I think someone should try to help themselves. For my ex partner, he wasn't ready, which of course I simply needed to grit my teeth and accept. Honestly I don't think he might ever be ready, and that's "okay" now, because he isn't hurting me anymore, but I don't stop worrying about him. 

 

The consequences of the abuse and neglect that he endured affect far more than simply just the fact that I believe his asexuality might have stemmed from it; it affects everything about his ability to live his life in a healthy way. I stand by my belief that you should give anything that evidence-based at the very least, a try. No one can predict anything, and no one can predict anybodies experience with any kind of therapy any more than I was able to predict that my partner would come out as aro-ace 7 years into a relationship. Absolutely everything is a gamble, and everything is different for everyone, but I think some are worth taking when the odds are that you stand a good chance of at least improving your situation. 

[Philip027]

I don't think you're really necessarily demanding.  You've never come across like that, anyway.

 

I do think though that you haven't fully comprehended how therapy can actually be unhelpful or even damaging when someone is not actually both willing and ready to receive it, likely due to the fact that you've had a positive experience so you've drawn the conclusion that everyone else should be willing to try it too.  (Maybe you have a better idea of it now though.)  I've had a recent positive experience but also negative ones too, ones which did worsen my condition for a while, so I've been on both sides of the fence here.

 

The closest sort of comparison I can draw is that it's sometimes like trying to advise parents on how you think they should raise their kids.  Your advice might be perfectly sound, you might have the best of intentions, it might have worked great for your own kids, and some might be accepting or even grateful of your input... but unless they asked for your input first, usually the collective "PC" opinion on this sort of matter is that your advice is unwarranted, and that they can "take care of their own kids themselves, thankyouverymuch".

[AthenaFay]

3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I don't think you're really necessarily demanding.  You've never come across like that, anyway.

 

I do think though that you haven't fully comprehended how therapy can actually be unhelpful or even damaging when someone is not actually both willing and ready to receive it, likely due to the fact that you've had a positive experience so you've drawn the conclusion that everyone else should be willing to try it too.  (Maybe you have a better idea of it now though.)  I've had a recent positive experience but also negative ones too, ones which did worsen my condition for a while, so I've been on both sides of the fence here.

 

The closest sort of comparison I can draw is that it's sometimes like trying to advise parents on how you think they should raise their kids.  Your advice might be perfectly sound, you might have the best of intentions, it might have worked great for your own kids, and some might be accepting or even grateful of your input... but unless they asked for your input first, usually the collective "PC" opinion on this sort of matter is that your advice is unwarranted, and that they can "take care of their own kids themselves, thankyouverymuch".

 

I kind of think "therapy might not work" is a little bit of a lousy reason for not at least trying it, aside from not being "ready" for it. It isn't even just because I've had positive experiences from it. I'm 30 and have been in the mental health system since I was 15. Half of my life. In that time-frame I've had a mixture of experiences, not all rainbows and sunshine. Some experiences have hurt me far more than they have helped me due to just terrible people working their way into the system who shouldn't have been there. But nothing is perfect, and not everyone wants to take that risk.

 

I think the reason I could seem at all pushy about therapy, is because my partner actually wanted to remain with me after the coming out.

 

It wasn't a "Okay, so I'm this stuff called aro-ace, and I have never felt love or desire for you, so I think we should break up".

It was a muddy, confusing, mindfuck which involved a lot of talking, crying, hugging and nightmares. All I said in the original thread regarding just "how can you be sure about your sexuality when it seems so obviously to have come from an unhealthy upbringing?" still very much applies, albeit in a "I could never have said this at the time" way. People feel cool enough about this situation as an outsider to be all "well therapy might not work anyway...", "well he might not have been ready for that", etc, but when you go from thinking you're in a committed, long-term, secure relationship, to not only a relationship with someone who can't and apparently never has, felt anything sexual or romantic for you, and yet is sitting before you in tears telling you that they love you, and is still wanting a "relationship" with you, you are thrown one Hell of a curve-ball. I think there's definitely an element here of "but therapy might hurt him!" vs "his confusion hurt me; he ruined our relationship and the life we had built up together without meaning to - and he might not have even had to" going on here.  

 

I went from having pretty fond memories of our past sex life, (which had of course slowly faded to next to nothing), to complete horror, grief and heartbreak that he felt nothing like what I was led to believe. But at first after his coming out, he actually wanted the relationship to work. There was absolutely no way of my sexuality changing, (I was happy with what we had in the first few years), and so the "Um, are you sure you're asexual?" thing became rather more pressing to solve. To this day, I believe that he isn't even entirely sure about his sexuality. The last time I spoke to him, the conclusion was that if he ever became romantically or sexually involved with anyone ever again, then they would need to be exactly like him: sometimes he wants sex and love, and sometimes, most of the time, he's just fine without it thanks very much. Please remember that sometimes he seemed absolutely fine with how things were; I don't believe that the past was entirely all just an act; he struck me as someone who was very confused, and that in turn, made me very confused about who he was, and exactly what he wanted from me. Therapy seemed like a genuinely good idea in getting to the bottom of it. 

That aside, I think that sexuality, for some people, is just this way, I believe - they just aren't sure about it. Heck, I'm still not 100% on my own sexuality and don't have much of an idea whether to call myself bisexual, pansexual, or heterosexual with a fetish for female bodies. However, that lack of exact knowledge doesn't affect anything about my personal relationships and never has done, so I'm content to exist as I am without needing to adhere to any labels. 

[Telecaster68]

 

Quote

when you go from thinking you're in a committed, long-term, secure relationship, to not only a relationship with someone who can't and apparently never has, felt anything sexual or romantic for you, and yet is sitting before you in tears telling you that they love you, and is still wanting a "relationship" with you, you are thrown one Hell of a curve-ball.

 

This.

 

On the one hand 'it might not work'. On the other 'I have just pulled the rug out from my spouse' s life and I feel no responsibility for even trying to help them have a soft landing'. There's a wailing and gnashing and teeth, sure, but in the end it's rhetorical, and the only genuine action is a shrug of the shoulders.

 

 

Life deals this shit, and in marriage or marriage-esque relationship, I too think you owe your partner your best shot at supporting them find happiness. Therapy can be tough and scary, yes, but so is what Athena's described. It's not fair to opt out of your half of the deal.

 

Maybe fundamentally not understanding that idea is part of being aromantic though, as it seems to be a frequent occurrence on AVEN.

 

[Keels]

I guess I'd like to join those who are saying "therapy won't necessarily work".  

 

My personal experience:  My current understanding is that my sexuality was so completely scrambled by my abuse (between the ages of 3-5 or so) that even after 2+ years of therapy, all I've accomplished is basically learning that I'm confused.  There's no way to disentangle it, there's no way to "talk through" it, it's just... an intractable mess.  

 

When I learned about asexuality (three or four years ago now?), I had the feeling of epiphany that so many have described.  "Aha!  That explains everything!"

Then, when I finally realized I'd been abused as a small child (it took my abuser's death to unlock that closet), I was like, "Wait a minute, maybe THIS explains everything.  Maybe I'll 'recover' some sort of sexuality now, with therapy for this issue".  I held on to that thought for a while, but... no, doesn't look like it's happening.  I seem to be 'asexual due to abuse and/or other artifacts of my childhood'; there's nothing to "recover", and nothing seems to be newly developing, either.

 

I'm grateful for my therapy, but even though my asexuality is probably a direct result of my abuse, therapy isn't "fixing" it.

 

Just one data point....

[Telecaster68]

The issue isn't whether or not it works. The issue is whether or not the nonsexual partner feels they have any responsibility towards trying to make the relationship work.

[AthenaFay]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The issue isn't whether or not it works. The issue is whether or not the nonsexual partner feels they have any responsibility towards trying to make the relationship work.

Bam.

 

You got it.

[Nidwin]

8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

The issue isn't whether or not it works. The issue is whether or not the nonsexual partner feels they have any responsibility towards trying to make the relationship work.

Both sides are responsible to have the situation cleared up and from there on see if the relationship has a future. The efforts have to come from both sides and it shouldn't be a one person do it, try it, or have it all.

 

I'll go as far as to say that the nonsexual still has some intimate obligations towards his/her companion and has to provide as much as he/she is able to, till the miserable situation has been cleared up. The only way to see if a mixed relationship has a future is when both sides provide and accept what her/his partner has to offer. Having the nonsexual completely cutting of any intimate interraction with his/her partner is just wrong, no excuses.