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Feeling frustrated


Jsmith

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I am the sexual in my marriage and I'm about ready to give up. My needs are not met and its starting to take a toll on my self esteem. I don't think it is fair that I have to push my needs aside all the time and yet he is completely happy in our relationship. We live as roommates and thats not ok with me. I want to feel desired and wanted. But I know that will never happen.

 

He tells me all the time how it isn't me and that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. He's a wonderful man and a great father. I don't want to seem shallow and leave because of sex. But I just don't see myself being able to do this much longer. We have no intimacy. He doesn't like to touch, hold hands, cuddle, or kiss. So I am always second guessing myself about when and how to touch him and when and how to ask if we can have sex. I need physical intimacy even if that means not having sex. Just being close to him is what I need. But I just get shut out or it starts an argument.

 

I'm literally at my breaking point and starting to resent him because he just does not seem to understand that I need certain things in our relationship. We have recently decided to open our marriage and it seemed like that would help. It hasn't. He doesn't understand that I just don't want sex from anybody, I want it from my husband. I want to feel wanted and desired by the man I love.

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As sad as it is to realize it, jsmith, what you want from your husband probably isn't going to happen.  It sounds like he doesn't want and can't give physical intimacy.  It's possible that since he knows that you want sex, he is reluctant to engage in any physical affection for fear it would turn into sex.  Many asexuals have expressed that; I as an asexual felt that.  

 

This is hard for you, I realize.  But continuing to ask for something (or not ask for something) that isn't going to happen will likely just embitter the relationship.  It's likely that he isn't really happy himself, since you aren't.   You may need to discuss this with yourself before you talk again with him, to clarify to yourself what you think you can deal with in the marriage, and what you can't, and then present that to him.   Not in the sense that "If you don't want what I want, we're through", but in the sense that "We seem to be very different in our needs, and it's just not working out.  What do you think we could do?"

 

Good luck.    

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read your post and had to reply because I have experienced this and wanted to support you because it is so painful. My advice would be to be really honest with yourself about if this relationship is something you want for the rest of your life. No relationship is perfect but there are some aspects that are important and this is one of them. I tried for five years to suppress how I felt and change to fit more with my partner who I believe is greysexual or asexual. 

 

I loved him him with such intensity that having sex and intimacy was the way that I felt connected and close to him. Our relationship outside of that worked really well he was like my best friend and we never argued.

 

it wasn’t the lack of sex it was the feeling of losing my self respect and self worth and it was heart breaking ever time he rejected me and this became worse over time. I felt like he had sex for my benefit and that I was like a dog being thrown a few scraps every now and then. 

 

I have a three three year old child and I left him 2 years ago. I’m not saying what you should do but what I am saying is that if you do decide you are not happy don’t be frightened by your decision. I have read numerous posts on here about compromise. However I believe it’s not a compromise as fundamentally you both want different things. 

 

Its not not an easy decision but I now don’t have to face the daily anguish of living a lie and the stress and anxiety associated with that. 

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I also want to say that eventually my situation severely impacted on my personal wellbeing. It was making me ill as I tormented myself looking for solutions and answers to the issue we were facing. For my own sanity I had no option. I’d tried to pretend it didn’t matter but it did. Don’t waste years of your life trying to fix something that is never going to be fixed like I did. 

 

I hope this doesn’t upset you as it’s probably not the response you were looking for but I wanted to spare someone else the pain.

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Hello, Jsmith

 

It’s hard, realizing that your relationship is never going to be the way you want it or see as normal, natural. But the same realization can also help you. If you stop waiting for something that will never happen, you can actually see and appreciate things the way they really are. And you can decide if this is enough to make you happy in a relationship. If it’s not enough and you accept it’s not going to change, the decision to leave becomes obvious however difficult it may be. If you can find things worth fighting for, it might be easier to adjust to sexlessness by focusing on them and perfecting them.

 

Also I agree with the statements that sometimes asexuals feel threatened by touching if they feel sex might be the end goal. There might be some ways to achieve better intimacy when your partner feels it’s totally safe.

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