Can't figure it out

[Rosebud68]

Hi, I have been hovering on this forum for a few days, wanting to "ask questions" but not really sure what it is I want to ask, or rather, how to phrase it. Endless thoughts are swirling in my head. As a brief introduction to what brought me here : I have always had a low libido, low as in comparison to the "majority". I have no doubts - or issues - about my sexual orientation (I am a lesbian, have been "out" for many years) but over the course of my life I have always found engaging in sex difficult. Originally, I put it down to the fact that I was "trying with men" (teenage years) and concluded that wasn't for me... then when I eventually had a serious relationship, it was a trust issue which I dwindled down to some abuse as a kid and body image doubts... so I figured when I learned to fully trust my partner, my sex drive would flourish....That relationship didn't help the trust issue, and ended. Recently, my partner broke up with me because she felt undesired (by me). She has what she considers a "normal and healthy" sex drive, I on the other hand only had desire for her at the beginning of our relationship. After a couple months my desire decreased to just about zero... She felt that sex would kindle our intimacy and thus our relationship, I felt (feel still) a yearning for cuddles and warmth and partnership that is associated with a romantic relationship, but not for sex. I DO occasionally feel the impulse for sex, but it is fleeting and almost feels like a mechanical reaction or release mechanism...

 

In this last relationship it got to a point where, when we would go to bed, my GF would tense up because she didn't feel desired, I would tense up because I feel an expectation of me to be sexual when I had no urge... and in the end, there was no sex, but no closeness, no cuddles, no intimacy, no gentleness... I tried to explain to her that as it is I have a low libido, and that what sexual desire I DO feel, tends to surface when there is a real emotional connection... You could put the most incredibly beautiful human being before me, offering herself to me butt naked and I would be utterly indifferent to her. I have never experienced arousal from mere aesthetics (I was told this was "sad"). Looks do not arouse me, no matter how "perfect". 

 

My ATTITUDE towards sex is very open. I BELIEVE sex is a good thing -- when there is the desire -- and I don't have any "morals" about the right and wrong in sex if between consulting adults... I have (had?) a sexual imagination (mostly never exercised in really life), but even so, except for during short periods of time, i rarely feel the urge / need for sex, and when I do, I come very quickly (and then I am bored!).... 

 

I know that no-one here is going to be able to answer these doubts for me. I am looking for a place where I feel I can express my thoughts and feelings and, I guess, to nurture the hope that what/who I am is not so singular that I am an outcast. It is also true that at this point I am somewhat demoralized about the prospect of ever having a serious relationship as the expectation around sex is high, and I feel I will never fulfill that expectation…

Anyhow, these are my thoughts in a nutshell. Thank you for allowing me to be in this group.

[roland.o]

Hello Rosebud68, thanks for sharing your story and feelings.

 

Have you read about demisexuality? Some parts of your post made me think of that label.

[weijiangling]

Hey, welcome to the forum! You're not alone. You sound pretty similar to me, honestly. I had a higher libido when I was younger but I think that was mostly due to my partner at the time being good at hitting the other forms of intimacy that I like more (like you said). When he stopped focusing on being cuddly and loving and just "tried to make the sex good" it stopped being good because it wasn't feeding the part I actually needed, and eventually it was just really awful and physically painful and I didn't want it at all. And that relationship was toxic and bad for me in several other regards, so I had the same boat of "Is this actual disinterest or is this trust issues/trauma?" in later relationships. And seriously, looks don't do anything for me, either. Multiple times I've fallen in love with someone from talking to them a lot online and not even knowing what they looked like, that's how little looks matter to whether I find someone attractive.

 

I called myself demisexual for a while, when I thought I wanted sex but was definitely aware of needing the emotional connection in place before considering someone a viable partner. Since then, I've realised I just don't actually care about sex. It's possible for me to enjoy it, but I don't need it or particularly want it. Sometimes I want to make out or something but that's about it. There's enough halfway-there interest that I call myself grey.

 

At the moment I'm in a polyamorous relationship with someone whose sexuality is basically like mine, and someone who's definitely asexual, possibly aromantic, and basically a QPR for me but I qualify her as part of my poly relationships because I have romantic feelings and invest a lot of time into that relationship. They give me a lot of attention and cuddles. Before them, I dated a girl who was sexual but a lot more understanding and didn't need a ton of sex to be satisfied (and because she was understanding and low pressure, those were generally good experiences when it happened), and we only broke up because it was a long distance thing and that was hard for her; she's still a friend. So basically what I'm saying is no need to despair over never finding a relationship that will work. It might be a bit harder to find people who get it, but they definitely exist.