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Valentine18

Anyone in open relationships? Help!

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Valentine18

My husband and I are soon going to have a conversation about attempting to open our relationship.  In our early years I knew he didn't have a strong sex drive but it is non-existent now and I believe he is truly asexual.  We've gone through trying various compromises that never last, I have seen a therapist but he won't, and I'm tired of hoping something will change.  The rest of our relationship is good, this is all we ever fight about, and I really don't want the relationship to end.  I do love him and our life together, except for the lack of sex.  I used to feel hurt, rejected, unattractive, etc., but on this forum I have come to realize that it isn't ME that he isn't attracted to, it's sex in general.  So I no longer feel bad about myself because of his lack of interest, but that doesn't help me deal with my unmet needs. 

What I'm hoping for is some input from people in mixed relationships that are open and the are working.  What can I say to him to make him feel less threatened by the fact I want to bring a new person into my life to meet my needs in this area?  I brought it up one time about a year ago and he said that the idea was stupid, but this just isn't fair to me!  He's getting everything the way he wants it and I'm not getting anything I need back from him.  I am starting to resent him and think of him as selfish and manipulative, and I don't think he means to be.  But we've had sex 2-3 times in the last year and I'm going crazy; I will end up cheating on him or leaving him if we can't work something out.  Any thoughts?

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Law of Circles

Many people feel that their preference for being monogamous (or not) is inborn and not something that they choose. There are those who are comfortable in both mono and non-mono relationships, but others are strictly mono or non-mono (this is sometimes referred to as "relationship orientation"). You can't really force an open relationship on someone who is inherently uncomfortable with it - that will likely make matters worse. The fact that he reacted negatively to the suggestion of an open relationship before makes me think that it's not something he feels okay with, but you'd have to speak to him about the matter further to find out.

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Serran

First of all, open relationships cannot be a bandaid. That's one thing that will set them up to fail. Do you really want to bring someone new into your life? Are you looking for open, or for poly? Decide what you want and why, first. There will be another person involved. If you go poly, it will be a singular person or multiple people who are partners and their needs are as important as your other partners. If it's open, you could do casual, but you still have to remember other people have needs and wants and desires and feelings so it's not "fix this hole in my relationship" - it has to be something you really desire.

 

After that, then you can discuss it with him. But, if he's monogamous, you aren't likely to get consent. I'd never consent to poly, or open, period. I'd rather break up than do that. Some people are into it, some aren't. You can't force someone monogamous into a non-monogamous relationship any more than you can force someone non-sexual into feeling sexual. I've tried being more "open" and it just made me lose all feelings for the person. I couldn't even stomach kissing him after a while, it was more like kissing my mom or something. 

 

Your needs are valid and if you need sex and he's not open to either having it or open relationships, then I would suggest breaking up. Cheating is a bad option all around and it's better to just admit it's not something you're compatible about and leave it at that, imo. Neither of your needs are selfish, well, anymore than any needs - but you both have conflicting ones and if you can't come to an arrangement about it, you may have to just admit it's too big a conflict. 

 

 

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Valentine18

Thanks for the input! 

Law of Circles - I'm hoping his reaction was more of a knee-jerk reaction since it was the first time I had ever mentioned something like that to him.  I'm hoping it will sink in that this might be the only way this relationship will last long term.  He might continue to refuse but I hope he at least will think about it and consider the possibility.

Serran - I am afraid he will refuse to consent to try this, but it is my last ditch effort to stay together.  That's why I'm hoping to get some ideas here!  His refusal will make my decision for me and I'm sure we will end up splitting up.  I will definitely miss him and a lot about our lives, but I won't live without a sexual relationship.

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Serran

If you come at it with a plan and a "you will of course get input - we'll discuss boundaries, rules, etc before anything happens" it might go a little better. But, I know for me, it's just not a possibility. Even if I loved the person and trusted them completely, it just would not make me satisfied for the romantic side of our relationship to not be something exclusive. 

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Valentine18
3 hours ago, Serran said:

If you come at it with a plan and a "you will of course get input - we'll discuss boundaries, rules, etc before anything happens" it might go a little better. But, I know for me, it's just not a possibility. Even if I loved the person and trusted them completely, it just would not make me satisfied for the romantic side of our relationship to not be something exclusive.

That's why I wanted this conversation on here first, your suggestion about making sure he feels he has input is great.  Of course I feel that he should but might not have brought it up right away.  And it's likely he won't feel this is a possibility either but we don't really have even a romantic side to our relationship.  He's my best friend and my room-mate at this point.  The first time we talked about this, part of his original argument was he wasn't willing to share me, but I don't see how he feels like he'd be sharing me when he doesn't even want me like that!

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Tarfeather
6 hours ago, Valentine18 said:

The first time we talked about this, part of his original argument was he wasn't willing to share me, but I don't see how he feels like he'd be sharing me when he doesn't even want me like that!

I would feel the same way. And the issue is, assume you keep it a closed relationship for his sake and refuse to meet your needs elsewhere even though you could -- now you'd feel like you're giving something up for him, and you'd feel even more upset about the fact that he doesn't meet your needs, which would in turn make him more upset by feeling pressured into something he doesn't want.

 

You should try to figure out what exactly it is he doesn't want to share about you. It might be he says that more out of fear of losing you, rather than genuinely wanting you for himself. If so, it could be something you two can work out. Otherwise, from the way you're talking, my honest opinion is that you should break up. It's one thing to become celibate because you only desire your partner, and your partner happens to be asexual. It's quite another to have your partner tell you that you can't meet your needs elsewhere, even though that's what you want to do. The latter sounds seriously unhealthy.

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Serran
7 hours ago, Valentine18 said:

That's why I wanted this conversation on here first, your suggestion about making sure he feels he has input is great.  Of course I feel that he should but might not have brought it up right away.  And it's likely he won't feel this is a possibility either but we don't really have even a romantic side to our relationship.  He's my best friend and my room-mate at this point.  The first time we talked about this, part of his original argument was he wasn't willing to share me, but I don't see how he feels like he'd be sharing me when he doesn't even want me like that!

That may be how you feel about it, but does he agree there is nothing more than friendship to your relationship? For those who don't need sex, there is still romance without it. And as such, that being shared with someone else would be taking away the specialness to their romance to you. Even if they express it differently . Which even without jealousy can make it not feel satisfying anymore. 

 

I don't like sex, though I don't ID as asexual since I do like some sexual things (but wouldn't satisfy most sexuals). But, if my partner were to have sex outside our relationship it would make things like kissing, cuddling , etc impossible for me and take all romance out of the relationship for me and effectively end it. Because it would be them sharing intimacy beyond friendship with others. My partner is similar to me so doesn't cause issues for us. 

 

Also, something to remember is open relationships to be ethical should be two way. If he had needs that you aren't meeting, would you be OK with him going outside the relationship if he agrees to opening ?

 

 

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Apostle
14 hours ago, Serran said:

First of all, open relationships cannot be a bandaid. That's one thing that will set them up to fail. Do you really want to bring someone new into your life? Are you looking for open, or for poly? Decide what you want and why, first. There will be another person involved. If you go poly, it will be a singular person or multiple people who are partners and their needs are as important as your other partners. If it's open, you could do casual, but you still have to remember other people have needs and wants and desires and feelings so it's not "fix this hole in my relationship" - it has to be something you really desire.

 

After that, then you can discuss it with him. But, if he's monogamous, you aren't likely to get consent. I'd never consent to poly, or open, period. I'd rather break up than do that. Some people are into it, some aren't. You can't force someone monogamous into a non-monogamous relationship any more than you can force someone non-sexual into feeling sexual. I've tried being more "open" and it just made me lose all feelings for the person. I couldn't even stomach kissing him after a while, it was more like kissing my mom or something. 

 

Your needs are valid and if you need sex and he's not open to either having it or open relationships, then I would suggest breaking up. Cheating is a bad option all around and it's better to just admit it's not something you're compatible about and leave it at that, imo. Neither of your needs are selfish, well, anymore than any needs - but you both have conflicting ones and if you can't come to an arrangement about it, you may have to just admit it's too big a conflict. 

 

 

I agree. Whenever another person or persons are introduced into a relationship, something will give. Trust is the most important part of a marriage and once this is lost, then the relationship will always be broken. Just look at Jamie and Louise where trust has broken down. Yes, we don't know the full reasons but even so, their marriage, if it continues, will never be the same again. Very sad indeed.

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weijiangling

Echoing what a lot of people have said here already. I identify as poly, and that's as natural to me as monogamy is for people who say they would have a really hard time not being monogamous. I've known couples who've moved from one to another, or had a partner who only wanted their one partner but were okay with that partner seeing other people, but it's fairly rare. If that's really what you want to do, then I'd say by all means try, because it can work, just don't assume that it will. And like other people have said, make sure he has input, his feelings on it are heard and valued, etc. As someone who's poly and grey-asexual I'll say that while I in no way need exclusivity or sex, it is still really important for me to feel that a partner cares about me and values me in a way that puts me in a category beyond "just a friend" (because otherwise why are we partners?) even if that's ultimately platonic (I have a QPR I consider a partner at this point because my feelings are romantic and maintaining that relationship is a priority for me; from her end, she mostly just invests a lot of time in talking to me, but I know that it's more than what most people get so that's enough for that distinction in my book. Other people would probably feel differently but it works for me).

 

So basically, figure out what his needs are with regard to feeling like he's important and loved, and make sure you're fulfilling those if you actually want to stay with him, whatever else happens. And if that includes exclusivity, then unfortunately that's a deal breaker for you so it would be better to leave. Please don't cheat. Being honest enough to admit it's just not going to work out is so much better. 

 

Taking a page from a sex/relationship educator I know, what you want to think about when presenting the idea is A. what you hope to get out of saying the thing you're afraid to bring up, and B. what you're afraid will happen if you bring it up, and then frame the conversation using those things. So something like "I have an idea I want to propose to you, but I've been afraid you won't like it and might take it more harshly than I mean it. I think what I have to say will ultimately help our relationship and what I'm hoping is that we can talk about it on equal footing and come to an agreement that works for both of us." and THEN say that you want to try opening up the relationship. I mean, I know if someone started a conversation that way, it would make me crazy nervous wondering what the issue in question was, but still it would probably make whatever bad news land a little more gently, because you've already expressed that it's hard and you're not trying to be hurtful with it, and want a discussion, rather than just dropping a bomb.

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MrDane
22 hours ago, Valentine18 said:

My husband and I are soon going to have a conversation about attempting to open our relationship.  In our early years I knew he didn't have a strong sex drive but it is non-existent now and I believe he is truly asexual.  We've gone through trying various compromises that never last, I have seen a therapist but he won't, and I'm tired of hoping something will change.  The rest of our relationship is good, this is all we ever fight about, and I really don't want the relationship to end.  I do love him and our life together, except for the lack of sex.  I used to feel hurt, rejected, unattractive, etc., but on this forum I have come to realize that it isn't ME that he isn't attracted to, it's sex in general.  So I no longer feel bad about myself because of his lack of interest, but that doesn't help me deal with my unmet needs. 

What I'm hoping for is some input from people in mixed relationships that are open and the are working.  What can I say to him to make him feel less threatened by the fact I want to bring a new person into my life to meet my needs in this area?  I brought it up one time about a year ago and he said that the idea was stupid, but this just isn't fair to me!  He's getting everything the way he wants it and I'm not getting anything I need back from him.  I am starting to resent him and think of him as selfish and manipulative, and I don't think he means to be.  But we've had sex 2-3 times in the last year and I'm going crazy; I will end up cheating on him or leaving him if we can't work something out.  Any thoughts?

Yeah, I can relate to your thoughts! I think that you have a rigth to want sex as a part of your life. Your partner should help you get that or at least work with you to find a solution, where you get your sex. 2-3 times a year? Perhaps that is what he has to offer. 

My own experience is that too little sex means I drift into a depression-like state. I dont want that, since i turn numb and careless and irritated and sad and bored and feeling worthless and have a difficulty with seing good things in life. 

I think, that being friendzoned is hard and living like that can be bit like living with your happily divorced partner but still in the same house. You still care for each other, and love each other.  But something vital is missing.

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Valentine18
13 hours ago, Serran said:

Also, something to remember is open relationships to be ethical should be two way. If he had needs that you aren't meeting, would you be OK with him going outside the relationship if he agrees to opening ?

If there is some need he has that I'm not meeting, I would love for him to tell me or get what he needs however it happens.  I definitely don't want him to feel the way I do, but he swears that he is perfectly happy!  He just doesn't need the physical contact and sexual relationship the way I do, and is happy with the rest of our relationship, as I am.

 

2 hours ago, weijiangling said:

Taking a page from a sex/relationship educator I know, what you want to think about when presenting the idea is A. what you hope to get out of saying the thing you're afraid to bring up, and B. what you're afraid will happen if you bring it up, and then frame the conversation using those things. So something like "I have an idea I want to propose to you, but I've been afraid you won't like it and might take it more harshly than I mean it. I think what I have to say will ultimately help our relationship and what I'm hoping is that we can talk about it on equal footing and come to an agreement that works for both of us." and THEN say that you want to try opening up the relationship. I mean, I know if someone started a conversation that way, it would make me crazy nervous wondering what the issue in question was, but still it would probably make whatever bad news land a little more gently, because you've already expressed that it's hard and you're not trying to be hurtful with it, and want a discussion, rather than just dropping a bomb.

Thanks for the advice, I will be very careful how I start this conversation.  I've been going over what to say in my head for days.  It won't be the first time he's heard this either; I actually saw a counselor a few times and one of her suggestions was to consider an open marriage.  I did bring it up with him at that time and he laughed at that idea.  I don't think he realized that I actually agreed with the suggestion! 

 

2 hours ago, MrDane said:

My own experience is that too little sex means I drift into a depression-like state. I dont want that, since i turn numb and careless and irritated and sad and bored and feeling worthless and have a difficulty with seing good things in life. 

I think, that being friendzoned is hard and living like that can be bit like living with your happily divorced partner but still in the same house. You still care for each other, and love each other.  But something vital is missing.

Wow, you hit the nail on the head.  Irritated, sad, bored, feeling worthless, etc., all so true.  We do live as best friends who happen to share a bed, too bad it's only to sleep in!

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Jsmith

I have recently asked my husband for an open marriage. He never wants sex and like you I am tired of feeling unattractive and rejected. I also hate living like roommates.

He has agreed to an open marriage. He even welcomed it because it means I will not be asking for sex anymore. Quiet honestly I am not sure if it is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I just know that I am tired of my needs not being met and being sexually frustrated all the time.

I can tell you that so far I have had a fwb a few times a week and I'm not sure if I like it. Yeah the sex is great and I love actually having a man want to touch and caress me again. But then I go home to my uninterested husband and it starts all over. In my opinion it would be better if we just went our separate ways.

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weijiangling

 

4 hours ago, Jsmith said:

I can tell you that so far I have had a fwb a few times a week and I'm not sure if I like it. Yeah the sex is great and I love actually having a man want to touch and caress me again. But then I go home to my uninterested husband and it starts all over. In my opinion it would be better if we just went our separate ways.

Is there anything your husband could do to meet your needs in other ways, to provide something emotional for you and not just register as generally "uninterested"? If not, then it seems like you're probably right that it would be better to break it off.

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Apostle
5 hours ago, Jsmith said:

I have recently asked my husband for an open marriage. He never wants sex and like you I am tired of feeling unattractive and rejected. I also hate living like roommates.

He has agreed to an open marriage. He even welcomed it because it means I will not be asking for sex anymore. Quiet honestly I am not sure if it is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I just know that I am tired of my needs not being met and being sexually frustrated all the time.

I can tell you that so far I have had a fwb a few times a week and I'm not sure if I like it. Yeah the sex is great and I love actually having a man want to touch and caress me again. But then I go home to my uninterested husband and it starts all over. In my opinion it would be better if we just went our separate ways.

I think you should both go your separate ways. This is doing mental harm to you both.

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Valentine18
16 hours ago, Jsmith said:

I have recently asked my husband for an open marriage. He never wants sex and like you I am tired of feeling unattractive and rejected. I also hate living like roommates.

He has agreed to an open marriage. He even welcomed it because it means I will not be asking for sex anymore. Quiet honestly I am not sure if it is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I just know that I am tired of my needs not being met and being sexually frustrated all the time.

I can tell you that so far I have had a fwb a few times a week and I'm not sure if I like it. Yeah the sex is great and I love actually having a man want to touch and caress me again. But then I go home to my uninterested husband and it starts all over. In my opinion it would be better if we just went our separate ways.

Oh no, I know an open relationship isn't for everybody but I sure hope you find something that makes you happy.  I don't wish these feelings on anyone!  Maybe for you it will be better if you separate, but at least you know you tried every possibility to enable the marriage to continue.  I guess that's what I want, to try everything possible before giving up, and I don't feel like there are a lot of other options left.  Maybe I'll have better results if I can get him to agree.  Best of luck finding what's right for you!

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MrDane

...but you still want the love, rigth? To share that feeling of love, and not just be likeable roomies, and best friends. It can sound a bit like a well funtioning and happy divorce, where you still live in the same house.

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Valentine18
1 hour ago, MrDane said:

...but you still want the love, rigth? To share that feeling of love, and not just be likeable roomies, and best friends. It can sound a bit like a well funtioning and happy divorce, where you still live in the same house.

If we are able to work out an open arrangement and we came to some agreement with a time schedule such as once a week or every other week, I think I'd be fine with being roommates and best friends.  We like the same books, TV shows, restaurants, hiking, water sports, travelling, and we run a business together (from our home) and it's all good!  We actually like each other's families and our in-laws.  I have no doubt that we love each other, and I really think I could do without affection and intimacy from him if I was just allowed to meet that need elsewhere, even occasionally.  Maybe I should go ahead and suggest that we divorce but continue the business together and see how that works, or we'll just end up there anyway if the open relationship doesn't work for us.  I'm so confused!  I just don't want to destroy our entire relationship over this, but I also can't continue as-is!  Every night I tell myself I'm going to start this conversation, and every night I chicken out.

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weijiangling
11 hours ago, Valentine18 said:

Every night I tell myself I'm going to start this conversation, and every night I chicken out.

*cheers you on!*

 

It's a hard conversation for sure, but it sounds like it really needs to happen for the sake of your emotional health. You can do it! And you have support here, however it goes.

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Valentine18
3 hours ago, weijiangling said:

It's a hard conversation for sure, but it sounds like it really needs to happen for the sake of your emotional health. You can do it! And you have support here, however it goes.

Thank you so much, the support on here is amazing! 

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Jsmith
On 10/3/2017 at 3:08 AM, weijiangling said:

 

Is there anything your husband could do to meet your needs in other ways, to provide something emotional for you and not just register as generally "uninterested"? If not, then it seems like you're probably right that it would be better to break it off.

I would love for him to show some time of intimacy and type of physical affection. Doesn't necessarily have to be sex. We rarely kiss or touch. There is no cuddling or hand holding. I just want to know he actually wants me. But lately it is just getting worse. Even though he did agree to couples counseling to see if we could understand what is going on better and maybe find a happy medium

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Jsmith
On 10/3/2017 at 4:06 AM, Apostle said:

I think you should both go your separate ways. This is doing mental harm to you both.

We have agreed to see a therapist just to help us both understand more of what he is going through and to help us possibly reach some sort of happy medium. My husband just recently realized he was asexual so now that we have a name for what he is going through we want to try to understand and try every thing possible before we seperate

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Apostle
1 hour ago, Jsmith said:

I would love for him to show some time of intimacy and type of physical affection. Doesn't necessarily have to be sex. We rarely kiss or touch. There is no cuddling or hand holding. I just want to know he actually wants me. But lately it is just getting worse. Even though he did agree to couples counseling to see if we could understand what is going on better and maybe find a happy medium

He is frightened to give you any form of intimacy as he knows this could lead him to the inevitable conclusion that you may want more physical contact. My wife won't intimacy as I know she is the same as your husband.........asexual, and asexuals have, in general, an aversion to physical sex. Even if he does consent to more than physical touching as a form of compromise, you will always know in your heart he is doing it under duress and not of his own free will. This could then lead you to feel guilty, which is not fair at all on both partners. At the end of the day, if you are strong enough, forgo the sex altogether or separate for the sake of sanity.

Mr Dane and I are in the same boat as you, but we have both more commitments (children) and a longer time in the situation you find yourself in. It will not get better, I can assure you as an asexual cannot change without being a false being, i.e. accepting and giving in to your sexual needs. 

I really feel for you but you have to make a decision based on how you think you can handle the rest of your life. And if you are thinking about having children, then please think through your future very, very carefully. Wish you all the best for your health and sanity.:cake::cake:

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MrDane

One could hope, that by removing the stress about sex (for both of you) it could give room for other ways of showing love! Like making a hug, less dangerous as it would not lead on to sex.

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Jsmith
5 hours ago, Apostle said:

He is frightened to give you any form of intimacy as he knows this could lead him to the inevitable conclusion that you may want more physical contact. My wife won't intimacy as I know she is the same as your husband.........asexual, and asexuals have, in general, an aversion to physical sex. Even if he does consent to more than physical touching as a form of compromise, you will always know in your heart he is doing it under duress and not of his own free will. This could then lead you to feel guilty, which is not fair at all on both partners. At the end of the day, if you are strong enough, forgo the sex altogether or separate for the sake of sanity.

Mr Dane and I are in the same boat as you, but we have both more commitments (children) and a longer time in the situation you find yourself in. It will not get better, I can assure you as an asexual cannot change without being a false being, i.e. accepting and giving in to your sexual needs. 

I really feel for you but you have to make a decision based on how you think you can handle the rest of your life. And if you are thinking about having children, then please think through your future very, very carefully. Wish you all the best for your health and sanity.:cake::cake:

You assume we don't have children. We do. We have 1 together and I have 2 from my first husband and he has 2 with his ex. So it is not easy to just leave. He just told me last week that he is asexual. This is new to us both. He never knew there was a term for how he felt. We have been together for 3 years. He was physical and ok with sex in the beginning. But he was drinking. He does not drink now. So I'm sure the drinking affected how he felt.

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weijiangling
8 hours ago, Apostle said:

He is frightened to give you any form of intimacy as he knows this could lead him to the inevitable conclusion that you may want more physical contact. My wife won't intimacy as I know she is the same as your husband.........asexual, and asexuals have, in general, an aversion to physical sex. Even if he does consent to more than physical touching as a form of compromise, you will always know in your heart he is doing it under duress and not of his own free will.

The first part of that is probably true. When you know your partner will want to take things farther than you really want to go, it's easier just to avoid everything. That said, if there are boundaries established and it's clear that a kiss is just a kiss and not a request for something more, then it might become actually okay. There are a lot of people who don't want sex but still love cuddling. Depends on the person.

 

8 hours ago, MrDane said:

One could hope, that by removing the stress about sex (for both of you) it could give room for other ways of showing love! Like making a hug, less dangerous as it would not lead on to sex.

Yes, this! 

 

2 hours ago, Jsmith said:

He was physical and ok with sex in the beginning. But he was drinking. He does not drink now. So I'm sure the drinking affected how he felt.

That seems likely. I would say the "in beginning" part itself being an element is also likely. Especially if he only just realised he's asexual, there can be a lot of pressure to try to make yourself "be normal" and it's very possible to end up doing a lot of things you're not really into and convincing yourself it's fine just because it's how couples are "supposed to be." Over time, it just gets to where it's not sustainable, the same as you feeling like you can't live without sex. If the feeling of not having your partner want sex to a sexual is feeling unattractive and rejected, then the feeling of having your partner want sex when you're asexual is feeling pressured and fundamentally flawed. It's hard all around. I hope getting counseling is able to help you both understand what you need and whether you can fulfill that for each other. It's a great step toward reaching some kind of understanding, whatever that may end up being.

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Valentine18
1 hour ago, weijiangling said:

That seems likely. I would say the "in beginning" part itself being an element is also likely. Especially if he only just realised he's asexual, there can be a lot of pressure to try to make yourself "be normal" and it's very possible to end up doing a lot of things you're not really into and convincing yourself it's fine just because it's how couples are "supposed to be." Over time, it just gets to where it's not sustainable, the same as you feeling like you can't live without sex. If the feeling of not having your partner want sex to a sexual is feeling unattractive and rejected, then the feeling of having your partner want sex when you're asexual is feeling pressured and fundamentally flawed. It's hard all around. I hope getting counseling is able to help you both understand what you need and whether you can fulfill that for each other. It's a great step toward reaching some kind of understanding, whatever that may end up being.

This is an excellent description!  You really seem to see both sides, thank you for that!

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Apostle
11 hours ago, Jsmith said:

You assume we don't have children. We do. We have 1 together and I have 2 from my first husband and he has 2 with his ex. So it is not easy to just leave. He just told me last week that he is asexual. This is new to us both. He never knew there was a term for how he felt. We have been together for 3 years. He was physical and ok with sex in the beginning. But he was drinking. He does not drink now. So I'm sure the drinking affected how he felt.

Ah, okay, it sure does complicate things. I too had 3 young children when it became apparent that my wife was asexual although she refused to talk about it. 

In my case the children came first so my sex life (and hers, I suppose) died there and then. I buried my feelings and worked long hours to forget. The pebble in the shoe never goes away though and it is a reminder of how fragile humans really are when it comes to relationships. Good luck with your voyage into the unknown. We all have to make choices in life and some are lifelong. 

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Apostle
On 10/4/2017 at 4:00 PM, MrDane said:

One could hope, that by removing the stress about sex (for both of you) it could give room for other ways of showing love! Like making a hug, less dangerous as it would not lead on to sex.

Yes, a hug like you would give your parents................

NO SEX IS BETTER THAN BAD SEX.

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NickJCook
On 03/10/2017 at 10:28 PM, Valentine18 said:

I'm so confused!  I just don't want to destroy our entire relationship over this, but I also can't continue as-is!  Every night I tell myself I'm going to start this conversation, and every night I chicken out.

I can certainly relate to this as well. I've been reading a lot and trying to get to a place where my wife and I can have this discussion.

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