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Confused with sexuality


enth_k

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Hi! I'm 21 years old panromantic girl and my sexuality has me very confused lately. Sometimes I think I might be somewhere in the gray-a spectrum, other times I feel I might be making it up so I'm really interested in knowing if anyone else can relate or has gone through something similar.

 

So since high school there were times when I didn't feel I saw things the same way my friends did.

I had my "first boyfriend" when I was 15 years old and I knew other people kissed, made out and maybe some already had sex; but for me even after some months with him it was very weird to kiss or even just hug him.

My second boyfriend was a guy I had already been friends with for 2 years, and still it took me a couple of months to be able to kiss or have any kind of physical contact with him and feel confortable, and maybe half a year to get into anything sexual. It didn't hit me how different our relationship was from our friends until 2 years later talking with my girl friends they told me it was completely impossible of us to be together all that time and to never had had sex. For me there wasn't anything wrong with us, he had asked me a couple of times about it but never pressured me into it, we did other things but I never really felt the necessity to actually have sexual intercourse with him. Eventually it happened one time and after some months we broke up.

 

What confuses me is that I do think about sex, not love-making/sexual intercourse kinda like, and is never towards anyone. I think about the things I would like to experience and most of the times (if not all) it happens when I'm aroused or I read or see something that I relate with a fantasy.

Which leads me to masturbation. When I was younger I used to do it much more and enjoy it; now it's boring, I feel kinda empty afterwards so lately it's become a little bit of a burden when I get aroused because I either feel kinda uncomfortable feeling like that or if I'm in the mood I would just think about without doing anything.

 

The last thing is feeling certain level of attraction towards celebrities. I think I read somewhere that some people that identity as demi sometimes develop sexual attraction to celebrities they have like for several years as if they knew them.

I've been fan of this group for 7 years now and if there's anyone that can make me think of anything sexual is them but again most of the times is never about actual sex.

 

Oh... that was long. Thanks to anybody who read this! I'm just trying to understand and get to know myself.

Sorry if there's any typos or grammar mistakes, I'm still polishing my English as it's not my first language ^_^

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You sound asexual, all right! Plenty of asexuals do masturbate, (not all of us), or fantasize in a way that usually isn't connected to themselves. Aesthetic attractions to celebrities are also fairly common! Welcome to the forum! :) You are not alone!

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Hello and welcome, enth_k. Have some cake :cake: :-)

 

What you describe could be either asexual or in the grey area. If you feel like picking a label, pick one you feel comfortable with. But also be prepared to change it if you learn something new about yourself. Here's an incomplete list, in case you haven't seen it before:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me/?do=findComment&comment=1061345333

 

The sexual orientation, AIUI, is defined through sexual attraction. So if you have fantasies, but they don't attract you to someone, then they're not a strong indicator for your orientation. I think some people use the prefix "ficto" to express that they prefer to fantasize about something, rather than doing it.

 

I hope you'll find some answers while participating in the AVEN forums, or mabe when reading the wiki. Enjoy your stay!

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