Questions!! Please answer!!

[justlookingforsomeanswers]

Hello! So I recently met this girl that I really like and want to get to know more about. I learned today that she is asexual (she didn't directly tell me but someone else mentioned they were and she high-fived them and was like "yessss!!!") and have since done some light research on asexuality as it is not something I know a lot about. While I have a general understanding of it there are still a few things that I don't know and am really hoping to get some answers to. I am sexual myself and am not sure about a few things relating to asexuality. Any answers would be greatly appreciated! Also please know that I don't mean to offend anyone by any of the questions I ask. I'm looking to become better educated and gain a better understand of asexuality and aromantic people.  (Also for the sake of privacy and the fact that I don't know if she's on this website, I'll be referring to the girl in question as Sapphire).

 

1. While I'm sure this is dependent on the person, is it possible for someone who is asexual to also be aromantic? I'm assuming this is something I should ask before pursuing a romantic relationship with Sapphire if she is both? I really don't want to make her uncomfortable if she's not interested in any form of romantic relationship by trying to be anything more than a friend to her. Is this something I can ask her or should I wait until she brings it up to me?

 

2. So far all I have done to show her I'm interested in her is to spend time with her at school, gone to get coffee during our break together, and offered for us to hang out with some friends at a cafe. I try to text her once and a while as well. If I want to let her know I'm interested in a romantic relationship with her (assuming I know she's not also aromantic), are these the right kind of things to do? Is becoming closer with her a good thing to try to do? I want to let her know that I'm interested in her without worrying her that I want a sexual relationship with her. Basically, I want her to know that I'm cool with the fact that she's asexual and that I'd still be cool with it if we dated.

 

3. Do asexual people date? What does this entail generally? Do they still call the person they're dating their gf/bf/partner?

 

4. What does intimacy mean to someone who is asexual? (I mean in the relationship/friendship sense). Do asexual people still want to be close with their friends in the way a sexual person would (hugging, spending time together, hanging out, etc.)?

 

5. Would someone who is asexual be interested in someone of the same sex? I am a woman myself and I'm unsure if Sapphire is romantically interested in women. Do asexual people date people who are sexual? Is this something else that I would need to ask her? How do I ask this without coming off as being directly interested in her, especially if she is also aromantic because I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

 

6. Do asexual people still hug, hold hands with, cuddle, and/or kiss their SO? Is this different depending on the person? How do they feel about sentiment with people they're close to?

 

7. In general, what should I expect out of a relationship with someone who is asexual? What are the main differences between a relationship with someone who is asexual and someone who is sexual? Do some asexual people still engage in forms of sexual intimacy? (<sorry if this is a dumb question, I just honestly have no idea).

 

8. How does one tell if someone who is asexual is interested in them romantically? Is it different from someone who is sexual showing romantic interest in a potential partner? She's been doing a few things that I noticed; glancing a me when she thinks I'm not looking, sitting by herself (she's a bit shy) and laughing at things she hears me say across the room in our friend group, telling me stories about past events, she let's me call her by a nickname I came up with (which I won't mention here in case she happens to read this), sitting with me in our one class together when she could sit with any of our other friends, walking half way home together most days after school, and we glance at each other and make faces/laugh at the same things across the room sometimes. I know these could also just be friend things, but from what I've noticed she doesn't do this with our other friends. It's hard to tell though because for days at a time things like this happen and then for a couple days she'll show no interest in me at all and it's almost like she is avoiding me or something. It's confusing for me and I'm not sure what it means. 

 

9. In general, what are some things that I should/shouldn't say around her? I know I've said it a few times, but it's really important to me that I don't make her uncomfortable because first and foremost she is my friend and I care a lot about her.

 

10. Finally, how would I tell her/show her that I like her? What kinds of things do asexual people really enjoy doing with people they are close to? What's something special I could do to show her I like her that she would appreciate? There's a certain gemstone that she mentioned about a month ago that she wishes she has a piece of that I considered finding for her. Would that make her uncomfortable if I got it for her or do you think she would appreciate it?

 

Any and all responses are very much appreciated! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and helping me gain a better understanding of everything!!

[LeChat]

Hello! The site has an asexual FAQ, if you haven't seen it, yet.

 

http://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html

[Comfortably Confused]

First of all, what I love is that you're damn well doing your research which can seriously limit a really awkward moment. So, I shall attempt to answer your plethora of questions. The answers are all relative to how I feel as an openly asexual person.
1) An asexual person can absolutely be aromantic.
2) Personally, I'm hopeless in the "letting people know I like them" area and am not at all subtle. It ends up with me texting/messaging/telling them straight up that I like them which can either work really well or you get rejected. I'd go for a straight up approach though, it leaves no room for miscommunication.
3) Asexual people can date. For me, dating entails cute texts/messages, cuddling, eating all the darn time in front of the telly, more cuddling, hand holding and that sort of thing. I'm not too fussed on kissing, though if the other person in question wants to then I guess I would. Pretty much everything that a sexual relationship has just without the sex! But that's just me. Some asexual humans don't like intimacy.
4) Again, I'm a fairly intimate person and some asexuals just are not. It all depends on the person. I love hanging out but some others don't. That's one you just have to ask about.
5) Someone who is asexual can be attracted to someone of the same sex if that's how their compass swings. I, personally, am attracted to anyone in the sense that I find people attractive but I don't want to do the do with them. I look for the cuddle ability of people. Again, all depends on the person.
6) This really depends on the individual. Like I said, I'm cuddly and stuff but I know a friend who is not and if you even think about cuddling them, they will commit homicide. Which is totally cool. So yeah, ask the person if they're okay with it.
7) Sexual intimacy with asexuals is an interesting one. Those who are sex-positive generally might enjoy sex and sexual intimacy and may engage. Sex-neutral's generally are "meh" about it but may still engage. Sex-negative or sex-repulsed do not at all. I'm sex-negative but it depends on the person. This one, you might want to Google because it'll probably offer more info than I can.
8). Just ask. Honestly, it saves so much time, heart-ache and all that. I know it's blunt and all but once you've sorted out the above and you really want to know, just ask.
9) Depends on what kind of person she is. A big one is just don't invalidate her asexuality. But that's pretty usual. Don't invalidate anyone! I guess if you're the kind of person who is asking all these questions in the first place, you're not going to spout out really mean stuff or anything. Totally depends on the person.
10) GO FOR IT! Get that gemstone. Tell her you like her. Honestly, if it were me, I'd be so happy that someone was straight up about it. DO IT. DO IT UNASHAMEDLY.

Good luck! *high five*
 

[theperksofbeing]

Welcome to AVEN! It's great that you're asking questions, and the first thing you should know is that not every asexual is the same. It all varies on a case-to-case basis - what they're comfortable with, their boundaries, their likes, their dislikes, all of that. So a lot of your info is gonna have to come directly from Sapphire, but I can answer the questions you have now

 

1. It is possible for an asexual person to be aromantic, but it's not the default.  There are plenty of romantic asexuals, just like there are plenty of aromantic sexuals. It depends totally on the person and that's something you'd definitely have to figure out on your own

 

2. You're doing fine! Everything you're doing is pretty basic, completely non-sexual, and not pushy or overly romantic, so I'd say you're in the safe zone with this

 

3. Asexual people do date, yes, as long as they're not aromantic (and like I said before, some are, some aren't). I can't speak for all asexuals, but as far as I know, it's generally the same as how sexuals date, just without the sex. And sometimes with less physical contact in general, depending on the person. Boyfriend/girlfriend is still generally used

 

4. Pretty much, yeah

 

5. Asexuals can have all different romantic orientations. Asexuals generally use what's called the split-attraction model, which basically says that sexual and romantic attraction are two separate things and can be two different orientations for the same person. For instance, I'm asexual and homoromantic. So yes, asexuals can be non-hetero. As for dating sexuals, it all depends on the asexual person - and on the sexual person. It's really all about communication and compromise - if you're completely, totally, 100% 0kay with dating someone who may not want/not be all that interested in sex, then chances are a relationship with an asexual person will work out just fine

 

6. Depends on the person! Most of this stuff does - some asexuals are touch/intimacy-averse, while some are just as happy to hug, kiss, and cuddle with their partner

 

7. Depends, yet again. Some asexuals are more okay with sexual intimacy than others, but a relationship with an asexual person, for the most part, is just like one with a sexual person, just without anything sexual

 

8. As far as I know, it's mostly the same. You sure won't see an asexual lusting after you but all the romantic attraction signs are essentially the same across the board

 

9. Honestly, you'd have to ask her. I can only tell you what I, personally, would be uncomfortable with, and I don't think that's what you're looking for. Sex jokes and such might be something you want to avoid until you actually know exactly what she's comfortable with and what she's not, though

 

10. Tell her you like her the same way you'd tell anyone! If she likes you back, just make sure she knows that her asexuality is a non-issue and you should be fine. The gemstone sounds like a great idea! 

 

Hope I helped and hope it works out with Sapphire! 

 

 

[Valentine18]

The good thing about these forums is that no one gets offended, and lots of people will try to help you!  So, for my input, I've been married to an asexual man for 16 years, so yes, some will form committed relationships and even marry.  My husband will hug me, hold hands, snuggle up watching television, etc.  I don't know whether he enjoys these things or just does them for me, but I take what I can get because he has no interest in actually having sex.  Every asexual person seems to have different limits, likes, and dislikes, but don't sexuals too?  I do want to caution you that a mixed relationship is very, very difficult.  Before you get too far into developing a relationship with Sapphire, please think about how you are going to handle things in the future.  If you are sexual and you form a committed relationship with her, are you going to be happy long term?  It might seem like it's easy to just do without a physical, sexual relationship now, but if you have needs and desires that aren't compatible with hers, it could lead to a lot of conflict down the road.  If you are like many sexuals in a mixed relationship you will endure a lot of rejection and frustration, which will take a toll on the relationship.  It sounds like you have a wonderful friendship with her now, and if she is asexual trying to take the relationship farther might destroy the friendship.  It never hurts to just tell her you remember the friend saying they are asexual and ask her what that really means.  This would open up a conversation where she might be open about her status, or at the very least, if she seems to know a lot about it then she might be.  After you have a better idea of her status, please really think about if you could live without intimacy and sex, because that might be what you would be signing up for.

[Treesarepretty]

Aces would be best to answer most of these questions, so I will restrict myself to one specific thing you asked. I am assuming here that you actually are okay without sex and that you are right that you will continue to be over the long term (please read some of the stories of long term relationships on this forum before you decide for certain for yourself, and take @Valentine18's warning to heart). 

 

If Saphire is interested in romance with you, then the time you spend waiting for her to bring it up is time that you could spend with an apparently awesome SO. If Saphire is not interested in you--maybe she's aromantic, maybe you're not her type even though she is romantic, etc.--then she will never bring it up and the longer you wait to ask her the longer you will spend driving yourself crazy over her rather than just being friends and looking for romance elsewhere. In either case, there is no advantage to waiting for her to bring up romance if you feel as strongly for her as you seem to. Gathering knowledge beforehand is great, but I think it would be a good idea to set a limit on the amount of information you need or the amount of time you wait before you talk to her about this so that you don't find yourself still at this same stage next year. 

 

Good luck!  

[weijiangling]

First of all, I want to repeat was a couple of people have said and just say that it is really cool of you to try to educate yourself and approach this respectfully. It would be awesome if more people did that. 

 

1. Yes, it's very possible for asexual and aromantic to go hand in hand, but they don't necessarily. I personally have basically no interest in a sexual relationship but have a pretty infinite capacity for romantic feelings so it just depends on the person. The only way to know is to ask.

 

2. You sound like you're trying to be a good close friend so in my book you're doing it absolutely right. When I date people, we're always friends first; that's how I get interested. And it sounds like you're shying away from things likely to be interpreted as specifically sexual interest, so that's good too.

 

3. There's a full spectrum there. Some date, some don't. Any one person's idea of a good date is probably different from the next person's (which is suspect is a true statement, asexual or not). I don't think there's a "typical" way dating goes with asexual people, other than not involving sex. 

 

4. I think basically everyone would want to hang out and do things together with whoever they're close to, however they do with friends, and asexuals and sexuals generally handle friendship pretty similarly, but again, variation in specifics, especially where physical contact is concerned. I've definitely seen people on this forum who have mentioned not liking hugs in general. Meanwhile, I'll happily cuddle just about anyone as long as I feel safe enough to do so.

 

5. Asexual-sexual is basically an entirely separate metric from gay-straight, so the answer to that could be anything. And asexual and sexual people can and do date each other, but making it work requires a lot of communication and a lot of compromise. As for asking, I would say just ask. Being open and upfront might be a little shocking but it's ultimately a lot less scary than someone beating around the bush and leaving questions about what it is they want and whether they might be after sex. I wouldn't worry about coming off as "interested" so much as making it really clear you're not expecting anything in particular.

 

6. See what I said on 4. The sentiment piece probably also hinges strongly on how inclined they are to romance.

 

7. Expect sex not being a central factor in the relationship. That's the major difference. There are some asexuals who are willing to do it--people who identify as demisexual do experience sexual attraction to people they have a romantic relationship with, and others might not be interested in sex in general but would be okay with doing it and even enjoy it with a loving and considerate partner. But it's not going to be a focus. If it happens, it'll be less frequently than with a sexual person and the asexual person will probably be less into it. And of course there are plenty of asexual people who just won't want to do it at all. 

 

8. I would say those things likely mean she likes you a lot as a friend, and if it's just you then she might like you more than her other friends. Whether she experiences that as romantic attraction is something you'd have to ask. I can't say anything for certain from that, but if I had to guess at the patches of avoiding you, it might be that she noticed you picking up those signals from her and backs off because she's trying not to encourage the romantic/sexual relationship you might be thinking about, since you haven't said anything about what it is you actually want and most people really don't understand the asexual thing. If that's true, then it might make her feel better to know you're trying to respect her orientation, whether that goes anywhere or not.

 

9. I think as long as you don't say things that imply you expect or want her to be sexual, you're good. Anything else is really specific to the person (again, generally true statement).

 

10. Honestly? Just say it. Tell her you like her and wonder if she'd be interested in a relationship but respect that she might not be. Make it clear you're not going to push her for things she's not interested in or doesn't innately understand. If you want a gesture, I think the gemstone idea is a good one. Asexual people can appreciate a thoughtful gift the same way as anyone else. The only thing that would be potentially uncomfortable about it is if that gift is itself a request for a relationship--expectations are what's uncomfortable. If you can give her that gift and be fine with it ultimately just being a gesture of strong friendship, then go for it. 

 

For what it's worth, I've expressed interest in people who were aromantic-asexual, and did it exactly the way that I just said. Once non-seriously, where I just kind of flirted and told her that I might be into her if I didn't already know she wasn't interested, and once much more seriously where I've expressed pretty intense feelings but made it really clear I'm not asking for anything from her. Both said it was flattering, so the simple fact of someone having feelings doesn't make things uncomfortable.

 

The real question to ask yourself is whether you can say you're not expecting anything from her and actually mean it. The warning a couple people have already given with regard to sexual/asexual relationships is really valid, so make sure you're not going to wind up compromising more than you're ultimately willing to.

 

I sort of feel obliged to mention polyamory here, since having more than one relationship, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, can work as a way to balance out that kind of difference. But that only works if everyone involved is actually okay with it, so if you think that's an option you might eventually consider, you might want to make it part of the conversation early on as you navigate how to handle a potential relationship with Sapphire to see if she'd be open to that as a possibility. The long and short of all of this is communicate, be open, be honest, ask for what you want, respect what she wants. Romance doesn't have to be a constant guessing game, and particularly when there are major differences to navigate, it's better that it isn't.