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Apersonontheinternet

What age did you discover you were asexual?

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kelnaismith

I was about 22.  I had heard of asexuality before, but it took a while to click in. 

 

I had been in single gender education through middle and high school, so I didn't think it was weird that I'd didn't have a crush or anything like that. I probably should have figured it out in college, but just thought that all of the guys I was vaguely friendly with weren't really boyfriend material (which, honestly, was probably true). I stayed essentially in denial ("huh I bet I'm the only person reading this for the plot/skip the sex get on with the story", "huh this does not turn me on in the slightest"... no realization ) for around another half year.
 

When I did finally realize it (from reading the Dresden Files, of all things), I essentially said to my self "Oh. Oh. Okay. Wow. Well, that makes sense. I guess. I don't really want to deal with this right now, so I'm going back to my book". (Which I did, before slowly getting used to the idea in the months to come)

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kei_

I reckon I was about 16 when I learned that asexuality was a sexual orientation, so I was probably 15 when I "discovered."

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the-spaceace

I was about 16 or 17 years old when I figured out I was asexual and found out what asexuality was. Junior year of high school was kind of wild to be honest after the train wreck that was sophomore year...

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NewAce7

I was 11 when it became obvious that am not straight. Back then most of my friends had a girlfriend and they expected the same from me (was the youngest in class at the time).

Found out about Asexuality 3 years ago, now am 22

 

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Grimez

I've known of asexuality since my late teens but I didn't think it applied to me. I often confused aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, and thought that if I found a woman to be beautiful I wanted to have sex with her.

 

After about..... 7 years, I think, I really started questioning myself and why I didn't feel attraction like I was supposed to. I wanted to know what a relationship was like and all my efforts to be in one didn't work out. I always felt uneasy about that world. I wanted to be my own person than what the world told me I had to be.

 

TL. DR.

 

28

 

 

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Iced Milk Boy

I believe I was around 14 to 15 years old when I realized that I was asexual!

 

I thought that I liked boys and girls, but I really didn't. The thought of me even holding hands with someone kinda makes me nervous and awkward. 

 

So so I found out the term asexual on Youtue during my freshmen year. And about four years later, here I am! 

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Waterstiller

I realized that I wasn't attracted to people in the same way that others were attracted around age 12. I thought this was due to gender dysphoria and spent much of my teens mostly wishing I had a feminine body. At age 21 I was prompted by a friend to have sex, and had sex without any results. After transitioning and the dysphoria went away, I still didn't particularly enjoy sex but began to focus on tantra. At age 24 I realized that I absolutely loved touch and bodywork, and began to request and give this in my relationships more than anything. Sex bored me. At age 25 I lost my brother to suicide and became the resident monk/nun for a spiritual retreat center, having lost the desire to be in any form of partner relationship. For several years I gave up on the idea of having a partner (mostly due to living in a rural environment as a trans feminine person and not feeling drawn to people around me). I began to get my sensual/touch needs met through the ecstatic dance community and through contact improvisation. I would have sex on occasion to see if anything would happen, but it didn't. About two years ago at age 30 I started researching asexuality while trying to wholeheartedly explore whether I could be sexual or whether anything was wrong with me. I felt like I didn't want to tell anyone until I was absolutely sure, and realized while I was in my sex therapy class in graduate school that I am definitely asexual. I just came out to everyone on social media 2 weeks ago at age 32 and I am astonished at how amazing it feels for this aspect of me to be seen.

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LadyWallflower

I realized as soon as I learned the word, which was at age 22. I knew something was different about me for a long time before then, but I didn't have the vocabulary. I remember being so relieved and happy when I learned about asexuality.

 

It always makes me curious. If asexuality was as well know as homosexuality is, at what age would I have realized I was an Ace? It's a question that can never be answered.

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ozzythefabulous

At 16 i discovered asexuality and then started to think that i was probably ace but didn't properly start identify as ace until i was 17

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GreyLlama

I really figured out I was grey-ace when I was seventeen (this year).

Looking back though, I was always this way I just didn't have the word for it. I'd never really felt sexual attraction towards people (to this day I can only think of two people I ever felt that way towards), I just sometimes felt like I needed to prove myself to people - I wanted them to think I was cool and want to be my friend.

 

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Eisu

I felt really different at around 13 when suddenly, all these phrases I've never heard of started being used and understood by most of the middle school population. I felt like I was missing out on something, and didn't know how to find out what I was missing. 

I eventually adapted slash ignored the feeling until I discovered that asexuality existed, and that I felt bored when kissing or touching my girlfriend, which I did because I felt like I was supposed to... It made her sad and it made me realize something important, so here I am today I guess.

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knitwritezombie

I was an overweight awkward teenager, and thought I was just inexperienced heading into college. For awhile, I thought I might be bi-sexual, since I found everyone attractive to look at, but never had any real desire to do anything with anyone. It wasn’t until the end of college when I discovered the term asexual and figured out that it applied to me. Now in my late 30s, I’ve come to terms with having a sex-positive outlook for others, but am personally sex-repulsed.

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The Gnat (Natalie)

I always knew I couldn't muster the same level of enthusiasm for "hot guys" that my friends could, but I thought I was just kind of weird or broken--not that I wasn't straight. I learned the term asexual in high school, but I've only started identifying as ace in the last couple months because I genuinely did not know what sexual attraction was. I assumed what I was feeling was it and that everybody was just being dramatic. (Whoops.)

 

Anyway, my realization came out of about 3 years of questioning. I've had several experiences in college that have helped put things into context and sort out types of attraction. For example, I was hanging out with a group of friends (all female, although idk that it's relevant), and the topic of dating came up. This is a group of quite conservative women (in terms of relationship boundaries and etc.) without tons of dating experience, and yet I was the only one who had never kissed anyone. And they immediately jumped on that revelation with "Oh, it's okay! Don't worry about it! It'll happen! Boys are dumb anyway! You don't need them! Don't worry! It'll happen soon enough!" And I was totally thrown for a loop because... I wasn't worried?? Like, I didn't care at all, and they were so concerned. Another example is my one friend offering to be my first kiss because she'd done it for other girls who just wanted to try kissing someone and didn't have an SO. And it was so sweet of her, but the idea of it just kind of makes me feel gross. (I do experience sensual attraction, including to women, but I don't know... I might be demisensual or grey-sensual because that sounds a little bit horrifying to me with someone I'm not dating.)

 

Sorry to ramble, but I guess that's pretty much where I'm at. Apparently I didn't have the same level of self-awareness as some of y'all when I was in middle/high school.

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Sera1001

I found out and identified as ace or grey ace at the age of 15.

Now, i don't really care about labeling myself even though i do think i'm asexual/gray. I didn't know sexual attraction existed. Barely even imagined sex. It was mostly naked bodies and sexual touching 0-0 Since i didn't go to school, i never learnt sexual attraction until i found AVEN. 

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TeddyMiller

I first heard the term 'asexual' when I was 47 (I'm 59 now), but I thought of myself as different long before that.

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ConorOberst

17 - when I first had sex and the whole feeling was empty.  Then I had lots of sex with lots of different people to see if I was doing it wrong.  Still nothing.

 

Only recently have I come to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.

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Zyden

I feel very out of place saying I was late 20s to 30. So basically pretty recently. Even in the asexual community, I had a hard time working out why I wasn't 'quite right.'

 

I've known for a long time that I form romantic relationships 'backwards' to normal people. They see a person and immediately decide if they have romantic or sexual desires. I have to form a really solid emotional bond first, then gradually the other person might (rarely) become more romantically appealing. Of course, by the time I've decided that I'm interested in this person beyond a friendship, they already feel they are solidly in the 'friend zone' and don't want to make it weird by changing that dynamic.  It now makes me guarded even when making friends, because I worry I'm going to hurt them or myself. 

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Chaotic_Kitten

I always knew something was different. I find men and women attractive, but was never really attracted. I find women aesthetically more attractive, so I thought I was a lesbian stuck in small town, in a very religious family. So I just avoided anything to do with dating. I never had a word for what I was. I just knew I was uncomfortable all the time. After marrying at 21, my family was relieved because I was not a lesbian. They actually said this out loud to me. My husband was super patient with me even when I would at times break down crying from being uncomfortable. Here I am 11 yrs later, still married and for the most part happy and still looking for answers. I actually only just recently explained how I am to my husband. He said that it explained a lot and that he was happy that I told him. 

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LettACE

i was probably around 19 1/2 when i first started identifying as ace officially. however i had been mulling it over for a few months before hat, and i was never really interested in any gender. I just assumed i was normal and that i would fall in love eventually. but meh, i just wasnt interested. 

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Zebrafinch
On 27/10/2017 at 2:23 AM, kelnaismith said:

I was about 22.  I had heard of asexuality before, but it took a while to click in. 

 

I had been in single gender education through middle and high school, so I didn't think it was weird that I'd didn't have a crush or anything like that. I probably should have figured it out in college, but just thought that all of the guys I was vaguely friendly with weren't really boyfriend material (which, honestly, was probably true). I stayed essentially in denial ("huh I bet I'm the only person reading this for the plot/skip the sex get on with the story", "huh this does not turn me on in the slightest"... no realization ) for around another half year.
 

When I did finally realize it (from reading the Dresden Files, of all things), I essentially said to my self "Oh. Oh. Okay. Wow. Well, that makes sense. I guess. I don't really want to deal with this right now, so I'm going back to my book". (Which I did, before slowly getting used to the idea in the months to come)

Could you tell me which bit of the Dresden Files helped you figure out that you're ace? I read them a few years ago and don't remember anything that made me think of asexuality. (Although I do remember thinking " no, keep it platonic" about Harry and Karrin Murphy)

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Warsaw

I was 14, I'm 31 now.  Didn't have a word for it then, just knew I didn't want sex or a relationship ever.  Started to see people pair off, still didn't want it.  Watched the girls develop into women, still no desire.  I hid behind the church and the commandments during school until I became disillusioned with religion out of convenience.

 

Joined the Navy, still nothing.  Experimented with women in the Navy, nothing.  Decided half way through my enlistment that I would just be Single/Not looking around 21, never regretted it.

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Astryda

I think I was about 20 when I got to know the term.

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Rhaenys

Sixteen probably knew this before I turned 10.

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kelnaismith

@Zebrafinch Re: Dresden Files, I can't remember in which book, but one character (Maeve, I think) was slinking around wearing practically nothing, distracting Harry from plot relevant stuff. 

I'm sitting there going, "So what if she's wearing rhinestones and nothing else, who cares? You're in a life threatening situation, why are you getting distracted? Seriously, focus!"

Other part of me goes: "Well, kelnaismith, you don't like girls. What if it was a guy walking around naked, wouldn't you be distracted?"

"Well, no. Not at all actua-oh. Oh."

And that was I realized that I was not interested in guys or girls, or anyone at all. 

 

 

 

 

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Crusty

16 I think? Some time in high school. I remember I thought there was something wrong with me so I looked it up and was relieved to find out it was a sexuality.

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wonderwho

14 - 15. 

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JenniBean79

I would say last year when I was 37. Throughout my life I always had a reason why I didn’t date or do hookups. The reasons made sense to me. I generally stuck to the line of thought that I was happier single. It wasn’t until a close friend passed away unexpectedly  that I started to think about what I didn’t want to miss out on in life. So I tried online dating. I kept talking to these interesting people, dated one IRL....and felt absolutely nothing. I loved the idea of having a companion but the thought of sex had me pulling back time after time. One day it just sort of snapped into focus for me that I was not in anyway interested in sexual contact with others. Initially I thought to send myself to therapy but I’ve been reading and learning and now accept it as just who I am. 

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oldgeeza

I think I always knew I was asexual, I just never knew that there were others who felt the same way, I only discovered the term asexual when in my 40's, my grandma if she was still with us would tell you that from the age of 7 I always knew I was going to be single, I had interest in females, I still do, but as far as sex goes, I have no interest, she passed 10 years ago, she always reminded me of what I said and when

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Hazel_Elise

I think I knew when I was eleven, but I just thought something was wrong with me, and that I was in denial. I accepted it around 15.

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MuddyMonkey

My answer to this question comes in two parts; when I should have realised that I was asexual (had I known the term existed then), and when I actually realised I was. My first exposure to sex came way back when I was 14 (Summer of 2011) in the form of porn that a friend showed me one time I was at his Parents' house; it comprised of two young women fighting in a boxing ring, before the camera zoomed in on them bumping vaginas with one another. At that moment I recoiled and was like "no, stop this, I don't want to see any more", but because both the people in that video were women, I simply assumed for many years that I didn't want to have sex with women (a feeling not helped by the exact same recoiling reaction when I pictured my subsequent girlfriend naked). However, the moment I found out about the term, "asexuality", only about a month ago, I immediately realised that it did indeed fit me.

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