asexuality ruined everything for me

[Telecaster68]

It seems a pretty fifty fifty gender split to me,across the forum, and others I've read. What about the asexual men whose wives decide they'd rather be with someone more compatible too? Are they also victims of the patriarchy? 

[MrDane]

20 hours ago, katydidd said:

There's a difference between pretending to be into rose gardening or giving someone who is way more enthusiastic about rose gardening than you are respectful attention when they want to talk about rose gardening even though you're pretty darn neutral on the topic of rose gardening. And I'm not going to claim to know where your wife is at more than you do but "It can, during the right circumstances be nice. Not too often though and the benefits I get are not super great," doesn't sound like "oh my god I fucking hate the topic of rose gardening and have wished for years that you'd just shut up already."

 

You prefer honesty and being open? Read the thread again with asexual glasses. Allosexual men leave women for being asexual, even if they're sex neutral. Allosexual men leave women for not being super into sex. If a woman is having a mediocre time in bed—whether or not she's asexual, actually—then the man will feel completely justified in leaving her for her failure to enjoy the gift of his penis-flopping more. Where the fuck does that even leave us? That only the most nymphomaniac women who just love sex all the time deserve to be in relationships and find love and loyalty and lifelong companionship? You don't think these attitudes encourage at least a little bit of pretending or even self-deception, i.e., trying to convince oneself that it will get better, that she's just having a temporary problem, that she's just not trying hard enough??

 

I read stories on here of people who manage to stay married for decades, but the moment their wife discovers her asexuality, nope, time for the divorce papers. Time to abandon her. Never mind that they've presumably been having allosexual-asexual sex for years and somehow it doesn't become a problem until a label gets put on it and suddenly the husband feels 100% justified in trading in for a more sexual model. "For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part— or until our sex life peters out." Never mind that even allosexual women were told to just grin and bear it for centuries when it was thought that sex wasn't even supposed to be enjoyable for a woman (and therefore most likely wasn't at all).

 

If you—collectively, allosexual men—want women to start being more honest about how into or not into the sex they are, then stop leaving them and blaming them for their sexual inadequacies and generally acting like Victim of the Year when their answer is "it doesn't do anything for me, but I'll happily do it for you anyway." 

I do enjoy talking with her about her rose gardening-thing. I kind of find that aspect of me, pull it out in the open and use it, because she is full of enthusiasm. I tell her that I like roses, which i do and i dont mind going to fairs and stop to smell the roses. I tell her, that i like to talk about roses with. If i didnt like it, i wouldnt mind if she where still into it, but i would probably wander of, and do other gardening things. I still think, telling the opposite of the truth or withholding important information, leaves a hard situation to cope with. 

 

I do not back off as soon as I do not get what I want. But it makes it difficult to cope with, when the partner isnt telling the whole story. If she thinks "god, i wish we didnt have to kiss, and by putting my body like this makes it hard for him." Does not mean the same as in "oh, did we not kiss. I wouldnt have minded but I never noticed"

 

if she has all ready indured a lot because of my sexual wanting her, then i have to say, that when she doesnt say anything for years and knows how I feel, then it would have been a good relationship move to say "look honey, i love you, but today as many other days, kissing makes me sligthly uncomfortable". 

I do not owe her anything on that account, as she didnt say anything, so for years i didnt know. So all of those times where she didnt really like it but faked it? She knew me, though. I know her more today, and therefore I am more or less venturing into a relationship with a new woman (though she is still her. Same, same, but different) she is still dealing with good ol' sexual me.

[Guest]

21 hours ago, katydidd said:

There's a difference between pretending to be into rose gardening or giving someone who is way more enthusiastic about rose gardening than you are respectful attention when they want to talk about rose gardening even though you're pretty darn neutral on the topic of rose gardening. And I'm not going to claim to know where your wife is at more than you do but "It can, during the right circumstances be nice. Not too often though and the benefits I get are not super great," doesn't sound like "oh my god I fucking hate the topic of rose gardening and have wished for years that you'd just shut up already."

 

You prefer honesty and being open? Read the thread again with asexual glasses. Allosexual men leave women for being asexual, even if they're sex neutral. Allosexual men leave women for not being super into sex. If a woman is having a mediocre time in bed—whether or not she's asexual, actually—then the man will feel completely justified in leaving her for her failure to enjoy the gift of his penis-flopping more. Where the fuck does that even leave us? That only the most nymphomaniac women who just love sex all the time deserve to be in relationships and find love and loyalty and lifelong companionship? You don't think these attitudes encourage at least a little bit of pretending or even self-deception, i.e., trying to convince oneself that it will get better, that she's just having a temporary problem, that she's just not trying hard enough??

 

I read stories on here of people who manage to stay married for decades, but the moment their wife discovers her asexuality, nope, time for the divorce papers. Time to abandon her. Never mind that they've presumably been having allosexual-asexual sex for years and somehow it doesn't become a problem until a label gets put on it and suddenly the husband feels 100% justified in trading in for a more sexual model. "For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part— or until our sex life peters out." Never mind that even allosexual women were told to just grin and bear it for centuries when it was thought that sex wasn't even supposed to be enjoyable for a woman (and therefore most likely wasn't at all).

 

If you—collectively, allosexual men—want women to start being more honest about how into or not into the sex they are, then stop leaving them and blaming them for their sexual inadequacies and generally acting like Victim of the Year when their answer is "it doesn't do anything for me, but I'll happily do it for you anyway." 

You realize there are just as many female sexual partners here who are unhappy with their male asexual partners due to the lack of sex, right? And plenty of women leave their partners if they're unhappy with the sex, I mean, I've heard of women dumping guys just because they ejaculate too fast or go floppy or are too small or whatever, others leave because the man won't do oral or focus long enough on making her cum, all sorts of reasons. It's not a 'men are bad and shallow' thing like you seem to be saying, it just depends on the person and their individual needs and their communication skills etc, regardless of their gender. Some men leave women who don't want sex, some women leave men who don't want sex (and some stay and try to compromise etc because they don't want to leave.) That's life.

[Telecaster68]

Wtf?

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wtf?

who was that at?

[Moonchaser]

Aisley, I'm so sorry. I think it was smart of you to satisfy yourself that it wasn't just him. That makes a lot of sense to me.

 

I don't understand your friends' reactions. That wasn't a very friend-like response to you coming out to them. I think I would want to look for some new friends who are more accepting and supportive  (if it were me, but I'm not you), and try to meet other asexuals, whether through meetups, or online, ot whatever way might work for you.

[Telecaster68]

Ficto

 

A now deleted post calling me a rapey creep. Sky Captain swooped and deleted it.

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

A now deleted post calling me a rapey creep. Sky Captain swooped and deleted it.

ooooooooooh it looked like it was at me because I just saw your comment after my post, I was worried you'd misread me and thought I was agreeing with the idea that men are all bad and shallow and will leave any woman who won't put out *sigh*.  I'm actually surprised I haven't been called a rapey creep in these forums yet to be honest  

 

Edit: I did get called a sow once by a user, and they said my kids are my piglets haha. 

[Moonchaser]

On 10/1/2017 at 2:46 AM, MrDane said:

When my wife said: "I have actually never wanted/desired/neede sex with you, not even when we were most in love and I never will. It can, during the rigth circumstances be nice. Not to often though and the benefits I get are not super great. " I was devastated. She could have told me, that she never ever liked to talk with me and she never thought I was funny. She would prefer if I only talked about certain topics and only after an agreed upon schedule. But frankly she didnt ever need me to talk to her again. My words just didnt leave much of an impression on her. 

I see what she said as a wonderful declaration of her love for you. You saw it as devastating. Sex is just one topic (at least to asexuals), not the same as not ever talking again, more like just avoiding one topic, like saying to someone let's never talk about dancing again - which I can relate to because my spouse never has wanted to dance with me. Or like kissing is a topic - he doesn't want to kiss me since we don't have sex. But he also took me not wanting sex as very personal and though he didn't use the exact word, devastating, as if it meant I couldn't really love him, when in fact I had been engaging in sex with him in the past BECAUSE I loved him so much that I was willing to do something I didn't want to just for him.

 

Maybe it's a problem with identifying with one's sexual self. But that's really such a small part of who any person is. Anyway, I'm glad you found a way to stay with your wife, who I am sure, based on what you posted, loves you very much.

[MrDane]

11 hours ago, Moonchaser said:

I see what she said as a wonderful declaration of her love for you. You saw it as devastating. Sex is just one topic (at least to asexuals), not the same as not ever talking again, more like just avoiding one topic, like saying to someone let's never talk about dancing again - which I can relate to because my spouse never has wanted to dance with me. Or like kissing is a topic - he doesn't want to kiss me since we don't have sex. But he also took me not wanting sex as very personal and though he didn't use the exact word, devastating, as if it meant I couldn't really love him, when in fact I had been engaging in sex with him in the past BECAUSE I loved him so much that I was willing to do something I didn't want to just for him.

 

Maybe it's a problem with identifying with one's sexual self. But that's really such a small part of who any person is. Anyway, I'm glad you found a way to stay with your wife, who I am sure, based on what you posted, loves you very much.

@Moonchaser to the average sexual, then sex is not just a topic among other equivalent topics. This sex topic is more like a booster for the rest of the good stuff and makes us feel happy and able to meet the difficuties of the world, with our exclusive partner. The feeling is quite like being rejected on basic things like being wanted (not just sexually)or her finding enjoyment in my company or liking to be close to me, person as well as body. I think, the analogy about talking is good for sexuals. And as some of these things, for my wife and me, are also combined with a low lust for touching and not that many sweet words initiated by her, that makes it hard to 'feel' the love. I know it is there, but on a daily basis it is more like on an intellectual level. 

By the way, she can dance with others, but not with me. I think it has to do with the fact that rythmic, pelvic movement from third person is not going to lead to sex. 

 

But we/I need (still) to shift focus and constantly find acceptable ways to show and share our love in a way that we both dont miss to much out, and dont feel to much compromised. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 28.9.2017 at 2:32 AM, Aisley said:

Being asexual sucks. It ruined my long term relationship because my boyfriend thought I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him anymore, which wasn't true! He was so handsome, caring, and funny! I loved kissing him and cuddling and laughing with him, I just hated sex, how much it didn't feel good and just everything about it! I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I didn't know that getting into the relationship because we both lost our virginity to each other. 2 years down the drain. Sad that without sex I'm not even a person he wanted to be with. I only did it for him. He ended up cheating on me and finding a girl that did all this kind of stuff with him- he left me like I was nothing. I miss him so much because not only was my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I feel lonely now especially knowing that I'll never have a boyfriend again and he was my first bodriend. I've "dated" lots of guys but as soon as they find out I'm asexual and won't "put out" I never hear from them. It hurts. I was with two other guys after we broke up just to make sure it wasn't only him that sex wasn't good with. It wasn't. I embarrassed myself completely both times because I was completely turned off the whole time and also body parts/fluids disgust me. I feel like sex is the #1 thing in a relationship and without it a breakup is inevitable.  I'm so depressed and cry all the time because I'm so lonely. All my girl friends talk about is sex, sex and more sex and when I finally confessed I'm asexual to them they just laughed and told me "Haha Aisley all you need is good d*** and we'll find that for you don't worry" I found it EXTREMELY insulting not only because I have no trouble finding it at all and they know that, it's just I don't want or like it and it's almost as if they don't believe me. I'm jealous of all of my friends with perfect relationships and I've realized that sex plays a part in making it perfect. All that guys want from me is sex and just them bringing it up to me is repulsing. I've just accepted the fact that I'm going to be alone- it just hurts. 

I'm really sorry for you. I know how it feels since I had to go through the same thing some months ago. There was just no other way out of it :/ Guess, it's been for the better for each one of us at the very end. Sad but true. Some things just can't be helped or fixed.

[Jewel Bright]

5 hours ago, Deus Ex Infinity said:

knowing that I'll never have a boyfriend again

this is not set in stone. the future is undetermined. Plenty of asexuals have relationships  either with other asexuals or low-libedo sexuals.

 

THIS is the lie of the culture. That all sexuals are the same and all people only always and ever want sex. This is just not true.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

3 hours ago, Jewel Bright said:

this is not set in stone. the future is undetermined. Plenty of asexuals have relationships  either with other asexuals or low-libedo sexuals.

 

THIS is the lie of the culture. That all sexuals are the same and all people only always and ever want sex. This is just not true.

It's just my personal view. There's always a 0.00001 % chance but almost impossible to find.

[Groobly]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I can't even imagine. It's so hard for most people to understand how asexual people think...I've not told any of my friends yet, and honestly there's some friends I likely never will tell because I know they'll have a similar reaction to your friends. 

 

I hate that you're feeling that way about your own asexuality. It's that guy's fault he can't accept you without sex, not your fault you don't like it. You will have another boyfriend though if that's what you want to do with your life, I can assure you of that. You could even try asexual dating, like going on OKCupid and letting people know on your profile you're not interested in sex and are strictly asexual. Or maybe you're lucky to live in an area that actually has a decent asexual population and can actually meet people in person. There are options for asexuals, you just have to put yourself out there. I hope you're able to find happiness and move on, and never have to deal with another person like your ex again. Lots of love and cake for you. 

[Salted Karamel]

On 10/13/2017 at 3:31 PM, MrDane said:

I do enjoy talking with her about her rose gardening-thing. I kind of find that aspect of me, pull it out in the open and use it, because she is full of enthusiasm. I tell her that I like roses, which i do and i dont mind going to fairs and stop to smell the roses. I tell her, that i like to talk about roses with. If i didnt like it, i wouldnt mind if she where still into it, but i would probably wander of, and do other gardening things. I still think, telling the opposite of the truth or withholding important information, leaves a hard situation to cope with. 

 

I do not back off as soon as I do not get what I want. But it makes it difficult to cope with, when the partner isnt telling the whole story. If she thinks "god, i wish we didnt have to kiss, and by putting my body like this makes it hard for him." Does not mean the same as in "oh, did we not kiss. I wouldnt have minded but I never noticed"

 

if she has all ready indured a lot because of my sexual wanting her, then i have to say, that when she doesnt say anything for years and knows how I feel, then it would have been a good relationship move to say "look honey, i love you, but today as many other days, kissing makes me sligthly uncomfortable". 

I do not owe her anything on that account, as she didnt say anything, so for years i didnt know. So all of those times where she didnt really like it but faked it? She knew me, though. I know her more today, and therefore I am more or less venturing into a relationship with a new woman (though she is still her. Same, same, but different) she is still dealing with good ol' sexual me.

But how do you know that's the case— that she knew for years that she was actively not into it and purposely chose to withhold that information from you? Did you have further discussions with her in which she said this is the case? Because from what you quoted before that seemed to NOT be the case, and that you were blowing things out of proportion to the degree of blaming your wife for something different than what she had actually done. That's what I'm trying to point out here. You quoted her as saying "Sex can be nice under the right circumstances but I'm not super into it" and then proceeded to describe her willfully withholding some great truth about hating kissing you that she knew and made sure you didn't. There is a huge discrepancy here and maybe the leap from Point A to Point B comes from other discussions that you're not detailing for us but did in fact have with her, but unless such discussions happened, then I don't think you should make that leap.

[MrDane]

21 hours ago, katydidd said:

But how do you know that's the case— that she knew for years that she was actively not into it and purposely chose to withhold that information from you? Did you have further discussions with her in which she said this is the case? Because from what you quoted before that seemed to NOT be the case, and that you were blowing things out of proportion to the degree of blaming your wife for something different than what she had actually done. That's what I'm trying to point out here. You quoted her as saying "Sex can be nice under the right circumstances but I'm not super into it" and then proceeded to describe her willfully withholding some great truth about hating kissing you that she knew and made sure you didn't. There is a huge discrepancy here and maybe the leap from Point A to Point B comes from other discussions that you're not detailing for us but did in fact have with her, but unless such discussions happened, then I don't think you should make that leap.

I understand your point. I tried to refer to those times, where a voice in her head migth have said "oh, no!. Sex again? Is it time all ready? Im not that up to it, but I will do it for his sake and hopefully it will be nice once we are over the first discomforts. I hope he isnt going to (put in a variety of sexual/intimate stuff, that I liked) I will not tell him but just quietly move his hand or turn my head" 

...and perhaps she did it because she loves me and wanted to protect me or not harm me and wanted to deal with it, by herself. What I would have wanted was to be included in dealing with the issues as it occurred and not after years and then suddenly "I have done this for a while, I didnt like it and now i am fed up, since i have done it against my desire for so long!"

 

I can point to a number of things I could have done differently, if I had known earlier. Now I say : I feel like sex, would you be okay with having some with me? Would you be okay with ...tonigth? Do you want me to continue this or should I stop? Is it better if we do this?

I still find it difficult to ask her, as she moves her head away, if it because she wants me to not kiss her.