asexuality ruined everything for me

[idknik]

Being asexual sucks. It ruined my long term relationship because my boyfriend thought I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him anymore, which wasn't true! He was so handsome, caring, and funny! I loved kissing him and cuddling and laughing with him, I just hated sex, how much it didn't feel good and just everything about it! I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I didn't know that getting into the relationship because we both lost our virginity to each other. 2 years down the drain. Sad that without sex I'm not even a person he wanted to be with. I only did it for him. He ended up cheating on me and finding a girl that did all this kind of stuff with him- he left me like I was nothing. I miss him so much because not only was my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I feel lonely now especially knowing that I'll never have a boyfriend again and he was my first bodriend. I've "dated" lots of guys but as soon as they find out I'm asexual and won't "put out" I never hear from them. It hurts. I was with two other guys after we broke up just to make sure it wasn't only him that sex wasn't good with. It wasn't. I embarrassed myself completely both times because I was completely turned off the whole time and also body parts/fluids disgust me. I feel like sex is the #1 thing in a relationship and without it a breakup is inevitable.  I'm so depressed and cry all the time because I'm so lonely. All my girl friends talk about is sex, sex and more sex and when I finally confessed I'm asexual to them they just laughed and told me "Haha Aisley all you need is good d*** and we'll find that for you don't worry" I found it EXTREMELY insulting not only because I have no trouble finding it at all and they know that, it's just I don't want or like it and it's almost as if they don't believe me. I'm jealous of all of my friends with perfect relationships and I've realized that sex plays a part in making it perfect. All that guys want from me is sex and just them bringing it up to me is repulsing. I've just accepted the fact that I'm going to be alone- it just hurts. 

[Guest]

I'm sorry your relationships haven't gone well. It's true a lot of people will require sex in a relationship. But, not everyone. It's a lot harder to find people who are OK without, but it's possible, so don't feel like you have to be alone forever. You don't.

 

After I broke up with my last ex, I decided I would just stay single, cause I don't care to get into things with sexuals. Then, I started dating on OKCupid, with the up front on profile "I don't want sex" there and out in the open. However, traditional dating for me is awful and does nothing for me. So, that didn't work (though, I found a respectful guy that was fine with it, I just can't develop romantic feelings that fast and most people don't like waiting months...). Then, I actually found someone on AVEN and, while neither of us is completely asexual, neither of us wants sex, either.  

 

Just give yourself time to heal and try to find someone compatible, rather than just someone. It might take a while, it might take years (for me, it took about eight months after making no sex a requirement for a relationship), but they are out there. 

[Lotta_Biscotti]

I'm sorry he hurt you. You didn't do anything to deserve his betrayal, nor does a lack of understanding or acceptance of your sexuality make what he did okay. It wasn't something a boyfriend should do, nor even something a friend should do, even if he misunderstood your feelings and mistook your orientation for a failure on anyone's part, his or or yours.

 

You don't need to try and read this now if you don't want to hear it, but come back and think on it later, that when someone wants you to be something you're not, it is, in the long-term, a dodged bullet. It's really sad that he couldn't see and understand this part of you, and that you weren't accepted for who you are, but this also means that someone else can. Many people can, and maybe you'll find yourself happy with one of them. You absolutely can be asexual and be in a loving, committed relationship. It's harder, because not many people really know about it. It's like picking an invisible fourth option in a game. If you don't notice it, if you don't find it, you don't miss it. You lost two years, and anything big like that is a tragedy, but you could have made the mistake of saying nothing, pretending, and hurting yourself for years. Decades of marriage can go by for some people in such a situation, and it seems unthinkable, but it happens. I just think you made the right decision to be honest with him and with yourself.

 

Sex has been considered such a given that people who have never wanted it can think they do, or just accept it without question, because they think everyone around them is participating in the same thing, and feeling the same thing. And they don't. It's just something people have to figure out for themselves, but it's getting easier, and more people are realizing that this 'asexuality' thing describes them, and that it is a legitimate orientation. This may be the reason your friends haven't come around. You need to find support, and you need to find your people. Online is fine, but if there's someone near you, who understands this, it won't make you feel so alone.

 

There are people out there who will value you for the exact person you are, and there are people who will date you without this expectation. There are people who may ask you to compromise. There are people who will just not get it. There are very few cheat sheets, but you -can- find these people, and you can date a man who is capable of cuddles and doing things together without feeling that need. Talk to people here.

 

It's okay to be angry, frustrated, cry, and scream about this, when you're in pain. Just remember to seek out people like you, and people who accept you. They may not be convenient friends, or friends that you share a lot of hobbies with, but they're worth it. Don't date a guy without feeling him out first; expect that many will take sex for granted, but that doesn't mean all guys will. And most importantly, remember that there is nothing wrong with you, and that it is okay to be you, asexual you. It probably doesn't feel like it, but in all likelihood, someday it will, and you'll be in such a better place that looking back will only make you stronger.

[straightouttamordor]

Maybe you will find a fellow Ace close to your age with things in common. All Aces have been or will go thru something similar. I know it sux !

[OldSoul]

This guy sounds like a puke. 
I never understood how people could find something like sex essential in love. 
It's about caring about the other person, and wanting them with you. 
You deserve more.
I went through all of these things when I first figured out my sexuality, but I promise the feelings will ease. You may be different than most, but there are a lot of us out there, and you wouldn't want a guy who just wanted you for sex anyway. A good man, sexual or not, will care about you whether you want intimacy or not.
Sending good vibes.

[Telperion]

I'm sorry that he didn't trust you enough to ask you about it, to talk to you about it, to learn about it with you. I'm sorry he was such a shmuck and left just because he wasn't getting one aspect of a relationship.

But don't let it put you off! You are still a person who is lovable and someone out there is looking just for you! I know it's hard. I've been told that I 'just need to find the right one' before too, and it's easily something that you can overcome. BUT YOU CAN! You deserve someone who loves you for EVERY part of you: the #asexy part and the cuddles and kisses part, and EVERYTHING about you! I'm sure you are an incredibly awesome person and I know somewhere you have the strength to get passed this and I hope you later look back on it and go 'he DID NOT deserve me'.

Being ace is hard, especially when you want the whole romance, just only without the sex. And it is especially hard in today's society, which is so hyper sexualized, where sex on date one is almost mandatory and if you don't you must be broken or weird or needing to be fixed, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE! It takes more digging as an ace to find that one who wants you for all your positive and negative aspects, who wants you for who you are and not what you can give them. Don't give up, not yet!

[pdRydia]

You can definitely find someone! I am an asexual woman but I've been in a wonderful relationship with a non-ace woman for 11 years (on top of 5 years of dating). Not everyone requires sex. Some people are asexual, some are sexual but don't want sex for various reasons, some are sexual and polyamorous and can thus be in a romantic relationship with you and get their sex elsewhere (with knowledge and consent all around of course). Don't give up hope!

 

That said I definitely appreciate how you feel and sympathize with you. Treat yourself gently today.

[R3dTr1ckz]

4 hours ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

I'm sorry he hurt you. You didn't do anything to deserve his betrayal, nor does a lack of understanding or acceptance of your sexuality make what he did okay. It wasn't something a boyfriend should do, nor even something a friend should do, even if he misunderstood your feelings and mistook your orientation for a failure on anyone's part, his or or yours.

I have to agree with Lotta here. ANY man who cheats isn't worth having around for you, but that's just my religious views on it on top of my personal opinion that he was an a-hole to begin with since real men make the effort to see you as you and not a sexual object, What I mean is the right man will look to your heart and see you more beautiful than anything the world tells a woman should be. Society's standards on what constitutes a woman as beautiful's a joke... Real beauty is in the eye of the beholder, OP... He will see this diamond in the rough and guard it with everything he has, for what is more precious to a romantic man than his lover accepting him as he accepts her, regardless of whether or not he... Ahem... Excuse me for using the term... "getting some".

 

But I could be wrong since romance ain't my thing... \_('-')_/

 

Also, if I'm wrong that you are a woman, my apologizes... The same above text applies to any person FYI...

 

4 hours ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

There are people out there who will value you for the exact person you are, and there are people who will date you without this expectation. There are people who may ask you to compromise. There are people who will just not get it. There are very few cheat sheets, but you -can- find these people, and you can date a man who is capable of cuddles and doing things together without feeling that need. Talk to people here.

 

It's okay to be angry, frustrated, cry, and scream about this, when you're in pain. Just remember to seek out people like you, and people who accept you. They may not be convenient friends, or friends that you share a lot of hobbies with, but they're worth it. Don't date a guy without feeling him out first; expect that many will take sex for granted, but that doesn't mean all guys will. And most importantly, remember that there is nothing wrong with you, and that it is okay to be you, asexual you. It probably doesn't feel like it, but in all likelihood, someday it will, and you'll be in such a better place that looking back will only make you stronger.

 

Again, I agree. Emotions are what make us human, but that doesn't give your ex the right to disregard them.... I'm sorry for how much pain you are in....  

 

3 hours ago, Telperion said:

Being ace is hard, especially when you want the whole romance, just only without the sex. And it is especially hard in today's society, which is so hyper sexualized, where sex on date one is almost mandatory and if you don't you must be broken or weird or needing to be fixed, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE! It takes more digging as an ace to find that one who wants you for all your positive and negative aspects, who wants you for who you are and not what you can give them. Don't give up, not yet!

You said it man!

 

Also OP, I'm praying for you... Hope you are OK until we all hear from you again... Peace be unto you, dear sister, if you want me to call you that... I call everyone on this site my siblings. Anyway, just hang in there OK?  Because I have one word for you....

 

YOU ARE VALID.

 

Ask around... This is a mantra I state when someone needs to hear it. And everytime I state it OP, we all stand as one... For standing together is better than standing alone. Hugs to you if you like hugs... If not, just know I will just lay in your lap letting you pet me as you tell me your problems...  We Felines are good listeners...

 

Just call me... I'll come running to help.

 

*Jumps onto fence and looks bacK* Remember your family here... They care for you as any real family does. Family doesn't have to be blood related... It's what you make it as that defines family. Good day, OP... May our paths cross again if fate calls for it....

 

* Runs off *

 

[Stheg]

If he cheated on you, you're better off without him even though it hurts right now. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are, they may just be more difficult to find.

 

Honestly, I would try and find some new friends too. No advice on that because I don't really have any, but real friends should be more understanding or at least try to be understanding.

[weijiangling]

I'm so sorry you went through that. It's really sad how many people see sex as the only thing that matters in a relationship. But as others have said there are people who are okay without it, and other people who are asexual who'd still want a relationship like you do. I've been lucky enough to find two of them for my poly self (one is aro, so that's more like a good friend, but she's okay with me having fluffy romantic feelings at her so it works haha). Give it time and you'll find someone who supports and appreciates you for who you are--and that person will deserve you way more than the guy you described.

[lilgroundhog]

Regarding your friends only liking to talk boys and sex, sounds like you may also need other people to hang out with.  Somehow I've managed to build my life where sex is a small part in general (including in conversations) because there is so much other fun stuff going on than who is sleeping with who.

 

What do you like to do? Wonder into a game shop and talk with the staff, find a knitting group, join a musical group, join a book club.  

 

Have friends that have your back is priceless, I would imagine even if you are in a exclusive relationship.

[80hours]

Damn... where are all these people. 

 

I would absolutely love to have a girlfriend who's my age who has all the attributes that I look for, but doesn't "put out". A real rare life companion is more than enough to never have sex for the rest of one's life, in my opinion. 

[gr5292]

I feel this! My boyfriend broke up with me at the beginning of this month because he couldn't do it because I am asexual. H told me for him love includes lust and that I couldn't fully love him. It feels really unfair because I feel we aren't really considered like human beings and are left without considering how we feel. I now see my ex happily talking to other girls and on tinder. Whenever I meet a guy and they find out I am asexual they try to see if it is actually true and when they see I am being serious they never stick around. You aren't alone! Your ex and mine definitely aren't worth our time.  You will find someone who truly understands what asexual means and that will trulls appreciate you for you. It sucks that the asexual community has to go through this. 

[Laplace]

I just wish people would be grown-ups and just admit that their feelings have changed or that they don't feel like the relationship is working out instead of cheating on their SO. It's not only hurtful to the other person, but it's also pathetically cowardly. As a guy myself, I'm just especially disappointed in guys that can't man up and end something before getting involved with someone else.

 

On a more positive note, hopefully you'll find someone who values your feelings and has priorities that complement your own. Best of luck 🙂👍

[Nea Rose Symphony]

That's why I'm not planning on dating again. Just the way males seem to act greatly disappoints me

[Chihiro]

On 9/29/2017 at 10:43 PM, Laplace said:

I just wish people would be grown-ups and just admit that their feelings have changed or that they don't feel like the relationship is working out instead of cheating on their SO. It's not only hurtful to the other person, but it's also pathetically cowardly. As a guy myself, I'm just especially disappointed in guys that can't man up and end something before getting involved with someone else.

 

Yup. Cheating does so much emotional damage than a break-up would have. The effect of it lasts for months and years and will start affecting future relationship prospects.

[MrDane]

On 28/9/2017 at 2:32 AM, Aisley said:

Being asexual sucks. It ruined my long term relationship because my boyfriend thought I didn't love him or wasn't attracted to him anymore, which wasn't true! He was so handsome, caring, and funny! I loved kissing him and cuddling and laughing with him, I just hated sex, how much it didn't feel good and just everything about it! I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I didn't know that getting into the relationship because we both lost our virginity to each other. 2 years down the drain. Sad that without sex I'm not even a person he wanted to be with. I only did it for him. He ended up cheating on me and finding a girl that did all this kind of stuff with him- he left me like I was nothing. I miss him so much because not only was my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I feel lonely now especially knowing that I'll never have a boyfriend again and he was my first bodriend. I've "dated" lots of guys but as soon as they find out I'm asexual and won't "put out" I never hear from them. It hurts. I was with two other guys after we broke up just to make sure it wasn't only him that sex wasn't good with. It wasn't. I embarrassed myself completely both times because I was completely turned off the whole time and also body parts/fluids disgust me. I feel like sex is the #1 thing in a relationship and without it a breakup is inevitable.  I'm so depressed and cry all the time because I'm so lonely. All my girl friends talk about is sex, sex and more sex and when I finally confessed I'm asexual to them they just laughed and told me "Haha Aisley all you need is good d*** and we'll find that for you don't worry" I found it EXTREMELY insulting not only because I have no trouble finding it at all and they know that, it's just I don't want or like it and it's almost as if they don't believe me. I'm jealous of all of my friends with perfect relationships and I've realized that sex plays a part in making it perfect. All that guys want from me is sex and just them bringing it up to me is repulsing. I've just accepted the fact that I'm going to be alone- it just hurts. 

Not all sexual men, 'just want sex!' 

But to most sexuals, sex is an important part of our lives. When my wife said: "I have actually never wanted/desired/neede sex with you, not even when we were most in love and I never will. It can, during the rigth circumstances be nice. Not to often though and the benefits I get are not super great. " I was devastated. She could have told me, that she never ever liked to talk with me and she never thought I was funny. She would prefer if I only talked about certain topics and only after an agreed upon schedule. But frankly she didnt ever need me to talk to her again. My words just didnt leave much of an impression on her. 

 

...but you can have an open relationship, where your partner have sex with someone else

or you can find out if there are aspects of sex, you could be ok with

or you could think of the partnership more of a friendship 

or ....

just dont lose yourself.

 

my wife is also my best friend and that is also important.

[Salted Karamel]

12 hours ago, MrDane said:

Not all sexual men, 'just want sex!' 

But to most sexuals, sex is an important part of our lives. When my wife said: "I have actually never wanted/desired/neede sex with you, not even when we were most in love and I never will. It can, during the rigth circumstances be nice. Not to often though and the benefits I get are not super great. " I was devastated. She could have told me, that she never ever liked to talk with me and she never thought I was funny. She would prefer if I only talked about certain topics and only after an agreed upon schedule. But frankly she didnt ever need me to talk to her again. My words just didnt leave much of an impression on her. 

 

...but you can have an open relationship, where your partner have sex with someone else

or you can find out if there are aspects of sex, you could be ok with

or you could think of the partnership more of a friendship 

or ....

just dont lose yourself.

 

my wife is also my best friend and that is also important.

Except instead of your analogy there, imagine if your wife had said, "I enjoy talking to you, but I have never, ever found you to be funny. Every time you've ever made a joke, I've only pretended to laugh to help your self-esteem because I care about you." Because if your wife put up with sex for that long, it probably is because she cares about you and "wants to listen to you talk," so to speak.

 

Sexual partners never seem to focus on that sacrifice that their asexual partner has been making all these years, participating in sex that they're not into for their partner's sake alone. Or for the relationship's sake, or for the sake of whatever thing that is clearly not their own enjoyment. All they ever seem to care about is what they're not getting and how much more they want and how perfect they expect people to be, because being 99% is never enough.

 

If my boyfriend said to me, "I have never once enjoyed listening to you talk about your favorite video game, but I always did so cheerfully because I wanted you to feel heard and valued and respected" I'd be touched. I'd be a little embarrassed that I'd been prattling on about a topic he wasn't that into, but I'd appreciate the gesture and the sacrifice he'd been making for me. Why can't you appreciate that?

[Telecaster68]

Why did she get into that relationship if it was so painful to her then? Nobody forced her. It's her free, informed choice, unlike the sexual partner, who was having vital bits of information withheld. Make the selfless gesture or don't, but don't expect credit for *not* making it any longer.

 

And sex is far, far more than 1pc of a relationship for sexuals, and implying otherwise is hardly the heroic self sacrificing behaviour you're claiming for asexuals,

 

It's especially in a completely different league than talking about hobbies. You're essential discovering your partner is a completely different person to how they've presented themselves, and something you thought was a shared, intimate bonding, experience was something they resented. It forces you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.

 

 

[weijiangling]

 

8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Why did she get into that relationship if it was so painful to her then? Nobody forced her. It's her free, informed choice, unlike the sexual partner, who was having vital bits of information withheld.

There's an assumption there that she went into the relationship fully aware that she hated sex and always would. And if she knew she was asexual or probably asexual to start then I fully agree with you on this. The more likely scenario is someone being unsure, and then embarrassed or not wanting to hurt their partner when it wasn't as enjoyable as they'd hoped, and then holding onto the "well sometimes in the right circumstances it can be okay" to try to make it work, and then after battling with that for a while, finally coming to the conclusion that it's not sustainable. In which case, that last conclusion is something the asexual partner didn't fully realise themself until however far into the relationship that takes. It's not quite the same as keeping a big secret.

 

That said, there's a lot of room in there for better communication and I'm not sure there's anything noble in pretending you're okay with something you're not for the sake of not hurting the other person's feelings (on any level... I'd probably find it bothersome even with the hobby example, personally, if they'd been pretending for long enough and I thought they were genuinely interested) BUT society doesn't train people to communicate in really upfront ways a lot of the time, women especially.

[Telecaster68]

I agree there could well be an element of self discovery there - but that also negates the selflessness idea too. If the (ultimately) asexual partner was trying to figure themselves out, it's not for the sexual partner's sake. Either way, its a tectonic shift in the relationship for both people, and one of them has absolutely no control over it.

[weijiangling]

I'd argue that holding onto the moments that it's okay and hoping it'll get better so you can actually enjoy it and make your partner happy has some of that selfless element--but you're totally right that it's not the same as the hobby analogy, and it really wouldn't make the ultimate conclusion any easier. 

[Ratsorizzo]

Sorry I think my post made no sense about what asexual means, just trying to throw whatever I could out there.

 

[Ratsorizzo]

PLease dont be mad I'm new and I just came out to my gf. I'm sorry ahead of time.

[MrDane]

16 hours ago, katydidd said:

Except instead of your analogy there, imagine if your wife had said, "I enjoy talking to you, but I have never, ever found you to be funny. Every time you've ever made a joke, I've only pretended to laugh to help your self-esteem because I care about you." Because if your wife put up with sex for that long, it probably is because she cares about you and "wants to listen to you talk," so to speak.

 

Sexual partners never seem to focus on that sacrifice that their asexual partner has been making all these years, participating in sex that they're not into for their partner's sake alone. Or for the relationship's sake, or for the sake of whatever thing that is clearly not their own enjoyment. All they ever seem to care about is what they're not getting and how much more they want and how perfect they expect people to be, because being 99% is never enough.

 

If my boyfriend said to me, "I have never once enjoyed listening to you talk about your favorite video game, but I always did so cheerfully because I wanted you to feel heard and valued and respected" I'd be touched. I'd be a little embarrassed that I'd been prattling on about a topic he wasn't that into, but I'd appreciate the gesture and the sacrifice he'd been making for me. Why can't you appreciate that?

I just prefer honesty and being open. I am not a child. Dont laugh at my jokes, if you do not find them funny. If you even find them boring or stupid, then tell me. If you would prefer it that I didnt tell funny stories and just would like to hear more about me, my job, my hobbies, then say so. I listen to her stories, because I like her and wants to share with her. Some of her excitement rubs of on me, but I would never pretend to "be into rose gardening". 

 

I know, that she has sacrificed a lot on the altar of love making. I just would rather have been taken serious enough to be included in finding out, how to deal with it. This is where i was sacrificed.

 

Regardless of reason, then telling the opposite of what you know is rigth, equals lying. 

"Was it good for you?"

"yes, very much. (Good that it stopped!)"

 

to me, the difference between 'letting me feel heard' and 'hearing me' is quite large. One could be an act.

 

 

[Deeperconnection]

It is really sad that things didn't work out, but imho probably for the best. I know that sounds harsh but I'm thinking of your long term happiness here. 

 

I was in a LTR and as an asexual would avoid sex as much as possible, only doing so for my girlfriend.

 

I loved everything about her, she was the love of my life and I would have done anything for her, the problem was she was far more sexual than me and I was denying her. In the end we split up, which was best for her but devastating for me. We were together for an amazing 5 years!

 

I have come to accept that no matter how much I loved her, I couldn't give her what she needed. It is sadly better for her to find that elsewhere, as much as that hurts me. They say to truly love is to let go, sadly I did and she's flown away.

 

i would hope that you are able to find someone else who is more understanding and someone who is devoted to you.  Although it seems hard, it is better to find out now than waste years of your life with someone who would have eventually left you.

 

You have so much to offer, there are many men who I am sure would love to date you and I hope you soon find the right one. I am sure in you they will find a loyal, loving and truly special partner.

 

Keep strong.

 

 

[idknik]

Thank you everyone for all your advice and opinions, it means so much to me. These past few months of my life have been tremendously confusing and stressful, but with each and every day I'm finding out more and more about who I really am. I hope one day I'll be able to find someone who accepts me for who I am and what I am. I'm mainly just embarrassed and nervous about telling people upfront, mostly because I do not know enough about it to describe it to people. 

[Lotta_Biscotti]

On 10/7/2017 at 8:54 PM, Aisley said:

I'm mainly just embarrassed and nervous about telling people upfront, mostly because I do not know enough about it to describe it to people. 

It's helpful, though remember to set healthy boundaries about what you are and are not comfortable saying to people. Especially with aces, people will ask you rude questions, and you need to feel out whether you're okay answering those, or telling someone it's just not their business. The terminology and other knowledge will come with time.

 

I'm glad you're taking time for yourself. You can't underestimate the value of self-care.

[Rhaenys]

Aww sweetie I hope you feel better  

As bad as the situation is that guy wasn't the one for you. I don't think you'd be happy after a time since you stated you hated doing it. Plus a cheater isn't worth it.

You're not bad or worthless because someone doesn't see your worth and you sound like a wonderful person. As for being embarassed I've gotten the same reactions as you have so I'm pretty careful with who I tell because not everyone needs to know my private business.

 

I hope you'll find someone who truly loves you and accepts you. 

 

[Salted Karamel]

On 10/2/2017 at 10:46 AM, MrDane said:

I just prefer honesty and being open. I am not a child. Dont laugh at my jokes, if you do not find them funny. If you even find them boring or stupid, then tell me. If you would prefer it that I didnt tell funny stories and just would like to hear more about me, my job, my hobbies, then say so. I listen to her stories, because I like her and wants to share with her. Some of her excitement rubs of on me, but I would never pretend to "be into rose gardening". 

 

I know, that she has sacrificed a lot on the altar of love making. I just would rather have been taken serious enough to be included in finding out, how to deal with it. This is where i was sacrificed.

 

Regardless of reason, then telling the opposite of what you know is rigth, equals lying. 

"Was it good for you?"

"yes, very much. (Good that it stopped!)"

 

to me, the difference between 'letting me feel heard' and 'hearing me' is quite large. One could be an act.

There's a difference between pretending to be into rose gardening or giving someone who is way more enthusiastic about rose gardening than you are respectful attention when they want to talk about rose gardening even though you're pretty darn neutral on the topic of rose gardening. And I'm not going to claim to know where your wife is at more than you do but "It can, during the right circumstances be nice. Not too often though and the benefits I get are not super great," doesn't sound like "oh my god I fucking hate the topic of rose gardening and have wished for years that you'd just shut up already."

 

You prefer honesty and being open? Read the thread again with asexual glasses. Allosexual men leave women for being asexual, even if they're sex neutral. Allosexual men leave women for not being super into sex. If a woman is having a mediocre time in bed—whether or not she's asexual, actually—then the man will feel completely justified in leaving her for her failure to enjoy the gift of his penis-flopping more. Where the fuck does that even leave us? That only the most nymphomaniac women who just love sex all the time deserve to be in relationships and find love and loyalty and lifelong companionship? You don't think these attitudes encourage at least a little bit of pretending or even self-deception, i.e., trying to convince oneself that it will get better, that she's just having a temporary problem, that she's just not trying hard enough??

 

I read stories on here of people who manage to stay married for decades, but the moment their wife discovers her asexuality, nope, time for the divorce papers. Time to abandon her. Never mind that they've presumably been having allosexual-asexual sex for years and somehow it doesn't become a problem until a label gets put on it and suddenly the husband feels 100% justified in trading in for a more sexual model. "For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part— or until our sex life peters out." Never mind that even allosexual women were told to just grin and bear it for centuries when it was thought that sex wasn't even supposed to be enjoyable for a woman (and therefore most likely wasn't at all).

 

If you—collectively, allosexual men—want women to start being more honest about how into or not into the sex they are, then stop leaving them and blaming them for their sexual inadequacies and generally acting like Victim of the Year when their answer is "it doesn't do anything for me, but I'll happily do it for you anyway."