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How can you tell if you are in love for the first time?


Clumsy Fairy

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This is not a question for me. It is some thing that I am asking for someone I feel a great deal for, and it is a question that I know others have asked, and that is how does an asexual person know they are in love, above and beyond friendship.

 

To start with I have to say that I used to be sexual, so I can see how not being sexual why this could be an issue. As a sexual person there is something of a roadmap of what one does with one another physically that both shows, and more importantly reenforces desire, and love. When people kiss for the first time it induces feelings that reenforce others, and when one moves on to other sexual acts these cement emotions, and I think causes them to a greater and lesser effect. 

 

I have known a few asexuals who have asked me this question, and I think it is something important, and finding an answer, even if the answer is "there is no answer" could help a lot of people.

 

How would someone who is emotionally inclined know when a relationship is more than a friendship, how would they know that the love they feel is something that would mean they wanted to see some one exclusively, or that they should share more of their lives with? How in short can someone know they are falling in love with someone, when those sexual keys are not there. As much as I would like to say that relationships have nothing to do with sex, I get the feeling that sexual desire is a part of falling in love..

 

I personally believe that there is a chicken and egg situation with love, and that love is something that results in trust, and a desire to want to be with someone, and by actually being with someone, and wanting there to be love, love can vey often grow as a result, so being with someone, and wanting a relationship to work can spawn the feelings that keep two people together, but there perhaps isn't that "whoosh" that there is in a sexual relationship, but maybe there is (hence why I am asking you all). 

 

I have a feeling that relationships that are built on a slow semi rational mutual understanding and desire might have more chance of lasting, as both parties are trying to make it work, and trying to keep something together rather just relying on an initial burst of emotion. After all there comes a point in every relationship where the hormones give way to the every day banality of life, and those that want something to succeed, where both parties are focused on making something work have a far greater chance than those that just think that emotions should be the b-all and end all of a partnership. The question there for is how does one know whom to chose to start down a journey? How does one know that there is more to a relationship than just a friendship? How does someone who has never experienced love know what it is? Can love for an asexual person be as strong and gut wrenching as it is for a sexual person.

 

I know for a fact for me I feel the same way as I did when I was sexual.. I mean I can't get the person out of my mind. I have butterflies in my tommy, and I hang on the other persons every word, and a whole host of other delightful, and scary things. But I was sexual, and I am also a bit over the top emotionally any way. But being that way, I can see how hard it would be for someone who is not feeling those things, and who has got to their mid 20s and not felt them to know. I mean it would be easy if they just started, but in my mind if someone has not even had a crush (or a squish as you youth now like to call it), by their mid 20s, then I doubt that emotion is something that is going to just spring out of no where, no matter how well the two people get on, and while I am happy for things to take their course, the lack of that driving force of emotion might easily put someone off from continuing as by doing so might be felt as leading someone on, or worse it might put someone off all together, and lead them to continuously back away from relationships where they feel something in fear that they will never feel what the other person wants them to, or that there is expectation.  

 

I know that one person can love another, and those feelings are unrequited, but what if the feelings are requited, it's just that the other person just is not allowing them selves to feel, or is incapable of feeling the same way. 

 

I know this has been a bit long winded and a bit all over the place, but I am unable to really put it in to words in an easy to digest couple of lines, and it is something that is really important for me. I'd like to hear what people outside of my level of experience have to say, so I can be a good friend to the person I have feelings for, and thought I doubt I will find a definitive answer, perhaps I can be of some help to her, and perhaps some of you who are wondering the same thing.. 

 

How do you know if you are more than just friends with someone when there is no sex involved? How do you know you love someone, and that love is something that you want to lead to a partnership?

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39 minutes ago, G0D said:

I mean I can't get the person out of my mind. I have butterflies in my tommy, and I hang on the other persons every word, and a whole host of other delightful, and scary things.

 

This sounds closer to limerence - the kind of "love" where you're essentially addicted to a person - and when that giddy feeling fades, there's the danger that there's nothing else to take its place.

 

For me, I consider myself to "love" a person when I care about their health and happiness, I respect them as a person, I see them as unique and irreplaceable, etc. It's complicated because there have been a couple of close friends I have grown to love, yet when they have asked me to be in a relationship with them, I turned them down - because as much as I may have loved them, I felt we weren't right for each other.

 

So then I guess my answer to the question of when I'd want to be in a relationship with someone is: When I feel like they would be a positive addition to my life and vice versa.

 

Having said all this, I do wonder if many relationships do mostly grow out of a desire to have someone else fill a void e.g. they're lonely, they want someone to protect them, they want someone to help them out financially, etc. In addition to all the physical attraction and the pursuit of that giddy feeling in the tum-tum.

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3 hours ago, Tercy said:

This sounds closer to limerence - the kind of "love" where you're essentially addicted to a person - and when that giddy feeling fades, there's the danger that there's nothing else to take its place.

 

For me, I consider myself to "love" a person when I care about their health and happiness, I respect them as a person, I see them as unique and irreplaceable, etc. It's complicated because there have been a couple of close friends I have grown to love, yet when they have asked me to be in a relationship with them, I turned them down - because as much as I may have loved them, I felt we weren't right for each other.

Hmm that sounds like the difference between 'love' and 'in love' to me. I think the question was about what it feels like for an ace to be 'in love', not what it feels like to 'love'.

 

For me this:

3 hours ago, G0D said:

I mean I can't get the person out of my mind. I have butterflies in my tummy, and I hang on the other persons every word, and a whole host of other delightful, and scary things.

 
 
1

is pretty accurate. I've only been in love once, with a really close friend of mine, and I tried to repress it as much as I could because I knew it wouldn't work out (we weren't going to be living in the same country for much longer).

Being in love made me want to snuggle up to this person, hug them, hold their hand, spend time with them, talk to them. It made me nervous being around them, but I also felt awesome when I was around them. It made me think this person was physically more attractive than I'd thought before I felt this way. It made me overlook their flaws. It made me unable to fall asleep because the conversations we'd had kept replaying over and over again in my mind. At one point it even made me want to kiss (no tongue, ew.) this person, which is not a thing I've ever wanted to do with anyone else and it's not a thing I thought I'd ever want. Imagining them kissing me gave me a 'nervous jitter' surge through my body, not because kissing is so hot, but because them kissing me would mean they'd like me back. The kissing wasn't the point, the 'liking me back' was. I think the effect would wear off as soon as the 'liking me back' was established.

 

So yeah, pretty stereotypical I guess. Not that much difference between my experience and the experience of a sexual I think. (I mean, I wouldn't really know).

 

3 hours ago, G0D said:

The question there for is how does one know whom to chose to start down a journey?

Compatibility in what both people want out of life I guess. If one of you wants to move to Africa for ten years and the other doesn't, that's going to be tough.

 

3 hours ago, G0D said:

How does one know that there is more to a relationship than just a friendship?

The feels.

 

3 hours ago, G0D said:

How does someone who has never experienced love know what it is?

How does a blind person know what red is?

 

3 hours ago, G0D said:

Can love for an asexual person be as strong and gut wrenching as it is for a sexual person.

yes.

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2 minutes ago, Laurann said:

How does a blind person know what red is?

Funny.. I have used that exact quote myself.. 

 

Thank you so much for all you have said. That helps.. The person in this case knows I have feelings for them. I am pretty sure she has feelings towards me too. Things are at a very early stage, and there is no problem with separation, and things you have said match up with things I have felt in the past. I find it is amazing how someones looks change on how you feel about them, and you are right peoples flaws seem to vanish, but that thing about looks is something I noticed so much.. Especially when things are over, suddenly someone becomes ugly, or at least no where near as attractive. 

 

I have not actually met this person yet, and I am really nervous about doing so. I am no looker, that is for sure, but you have made me feel so much better, as I know that if there is something there then that is something I don't need to worry about. Thank you so very much. 

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9 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Hmm that sounds like the difference between 'love' and 'in love' to me. I think the question was about what it feels like for an ace to be 'in love', not what it feels like to 'love'.

 

Being "in love" is supposed to be what I described, perhaps with some nuance regarding exactly how deeply you feel, the extent of your desire to share affection with the person, etc. What you went on to describe still just sounds like infatuation/obsession.

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1 minute ago, Tercy said:

Being "in love" is supposed to be what I described, perhaps with some nuance regarding exactly how deeply you feel, the extent of your desire to share affection with the person, etc. What you went on to describe still just sounds like infatuation/obsession.

Well yeah, because that's the 'in love' phase. The 'love' phase comes after that. (Or if you were close before the 'in love' phase I guess it could also come before, during ánd after that.)

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Just now, Tercy said:

What you went on to describe still just sounds like infatuation/obsession.

I don't think so.. To be honest I have been all over the ideas of co-dependancy, and infatuation, and personally I think it is all a load of BS.. Love and dependancy, and reliance, and all those things.. Yeah I get where the ideas come from, and I get that some people can get in to destructive relationships. But I believe that relationships are about mutuality, not that both parties should do everything equally, far from it. I think the best relationships are those where each party has something different to offer, and each person brings to the relationship different skills, and ways of thinking, and as a partnership they are better than two individuals.

 

Love can be unrequited, thats a thing.. But just because one person feels more than another, or differently to another does not invalidate anything at all, if anything it can make it stronger. I really think that love is not about what you want to get out of it, but rather what you are prepared to put in, and if two people are just thinking about looking after the other, and getting pleasure in the giving, then a balance happens all by it's self. It is people that constantly look at what they get from a relationship are the ones that end up the least happy, and with the biggest resentment. That's just my feelings on it, and I also KNOW that everyone wants different things, and feels differently, and who am I to judge.. I would not tell anyone that their feelings are invalid, or that their idea of love is not love. My question is about love, and feeling it, and trying to help someone I feel a lot for know when there is more to a relationship, and try and help her know if I am the right person for her, or more importantly who is the right person for her. I care about her, enough to want to make sure that I am the right person for her, and not just that she is right for me. I care about her enough, that I would ask here too.. But how I feel is utterly irrelevant. I know how I feel. I'd like to be able to give her some meaningful advice that helps her decide..

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For me, outside of the tells that have been mentioned, the fact I was willing to sacrifice a lot of time alone in exchange for what little time me and my partner do spend together was what made me realise. We don't live close and long distance isn't something I'd ever even considered before her. 

 

47 minutes ago, G0D said:

I find it is amazing how someones looks change on how you feel about them, and you are right peoples flaws seem to vanish, but that thing about looks is something I noticed so much.. Especially when things are over, suddenly someone becomes ugly, or at least no where near as attractive. 

I wouldn't say that the flaws vanish, they're always there, you just learn to love those flaws.

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I'm someone who doesn't feel "love". I get zero emotions when thinking about people usually. I instead employ principle in building a relationship. Boredom is really the only thing I have to gauge someone's worth to me in my never-ending battle against it. Some people are endless enjoyment, others are forgettable in a day. 

 

But under once in a blue mood lunar eclipse. I meet someone who I find interesting in both personality and entertainment prospect. Usually this someone is enigmatic and unpredictable. I feel myself seeing them like a puzzle I need to solve. I usually feel the desire to be friends with them. Unfortunately once I figure out the person. I stop feeling anything. 

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@Yato

That sounds tough. Has it always been like that for you?

Would you want to change if it was easy to do so? I mean, I guess there's upsides and downsides to feeling like that.

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Just now, Laurann said:

@Yato

That sounds tough. Has it always been like that for you?

Would you want to change if it was easy to do so? I mean, I guess there's upsides and downsides to feeling like that.

I've been like this since I could remember. I just didn't really care and was a loner too. I only made friends because I got bored with not having any. Even now I struggle to maintain meaningful relationships. I only keep trying out of principle and loneliness. 

 

If I could change it I would.

 

This has lead me to think I'm a sociopath, but I know I feel empathy. Just not like how others do. I'll grieve for people if they died. Albeit I can't tell if that's because I lost my entertainment, or if I am sad.

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@Yato

Huh, interesting.

Do you think maybe it could be some type of dissociation? (I have no experience in psychology whatsoever, so don't take me too seriously on this.)

What do you think is the difference between how you feel empathy and how others do?

12 minutes ago, Yato said:

I only keep trying out of principle and loneliness. 

For me, loneliness is strongest when I know others are out having fun and I feel like I should be with them, but I'm not. I'm fine when I'm just by myself doing my own thing and not thinking about what others are doing. Is that the same for you?

What would happen if you decided that the societal norm that people should have friends just doesn't apply to you, and you gave up on it? Would that take some pressure off and make you happier, or would you still feel really lonely? Or just bored?

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20 minutes ago, Laurann said:

@Yato

Huh, interesting.

Do you think maybe it could be some type of dissociation? (I have no experience in psychology whatsoever, so don't take me too seriously on this.)

What do you think is the difference between how you feel empathy and how others do?

For me, loneliness is strongest when I know others are out having fun and I feel like I should be with them, but I'm not. I'm fine when I'm just by myself doing my own thing and not thinking about what others are doing. Is that the same for you?

What would happen if you decided that the societal norm that people should have friends just doesn't apply to you, and you gave up on it? Would that take some pressure off and make you happier, or would you still feel really lonely? Or just bored?

I'm schizoid, and that's a constant state of Dissassociation. But even with a flatten affect, I should still be able to feel things at some range better.

 

I say my empathy is different, because I can empathize with things...just not with things in real life right in front of me. If I read a story about someone watching their family die, and it explained it in detail. I'd be able to empathize. But if my real life friend explained it to me, I won't feel a damn thing. I'd panic about proper responses, and 9 times out of ten, not be able to say anything. Or some clichè line from some show. 

 

The loneliness I feel is probably different as well. I feel it like a physical ache, or itch. It is most definitely tied to boredom. It's not that I care or want to do things with others, but it's the only way to relieve the sensation that gets worse over time. I once ignored it for a year, and got psychosis as a result.

 

I didn't even think of societal pressure. So it was never affecting me. So it would be the same. 

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@Yato

Thanks for sharing and for teaching me something I didn't know before. I appreciate it.

 

Also, I hope things will get better for you. Constant boredom and loneliness sounds like it's really hard to deal with.

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26 minutes ago, Laurann said:

@Yato

Thanks for sharing and for teaching me something I didn't know before. I appreciate it.

 

Also, I hope things will get better for you. Constant boredom and loneliness sounds like it's really hard to deal with.

If it's all you know, then it's not that bad. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

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