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Trying to figure things out


DeeDoubleU

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"Am I Asexual" has been a lingering question on my mind for years. 

 

Ever since I can remember, I have been attracted to males. Throughout elementary school i always had a crush but could never fathom being someone's girlfriend. Middle school, my desire for someone to "like me as much as i like them" grew. I liked certain boys but again, never could imagine being in a relationship and NEVER thought a sexual thought ever. High school was a bit confusing. I had a best friend who was openly gay. She and I were inseparable and i loved spending all my time with her (nothing sexual, strictly platonic) until the day I mentioned how gorgeous I thought Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was. She was not only shocked but horribly disappointed that I was not gay. I have never been attracted to male genitalia, found a chiseled body irresistible or even considered having any sexual contact with anyone. I once found out a boy liked me when i was 16 and avoided him like the plague until he stopped talking to me. Once a friend asked me, at 15 year old, if I would let someone "eat me out" and I was disgusted.

 

I lost my virginity to a gorgeous man at 20 years old and immediately wanted sex all the time. It made me feel wanted. The moaning and orgasms were always faked. I assumed that's what you did and what the other person wanted to hear. I have never orgasmed without clitoral stimulation. At 23 I stopped having sex entirely. I realized the sex I was having with people I dated was empty and sex wasn't love. You can have sex with anyone, it doesn't mean they love you. At 28 I met the man of my dreams. He was gorgeous (a good looking man has always been something that attracts me, not just sexually, but i just love looking at handsome men). He was perfect in my opinion. He was genuine, caring, selfless, romantic and I NEVER had to tell him what I wanted or liked, it was like he knew exactly what to do. Unfortunately, I had the desire to have children and he did not and we went our separate ways. I've never felt so connected to someone in my entire life.

 

A year later, I met my future husband. He seemed really nice and we dated for 3 months and got pregnant (i was on the pill and it was unplanned and unexpected). As soon as I became pregnant, my libido was gone. We had 3 months of sex probably 2 times a day, if not at least daily before I got pregnant and maybe once a week after I got pregnant. When I look back on it now, I realize that he wanted sex more and I was eager to please my new boyfriend. After our first child was born I wanted nothing to do with sex. I feared getting pregnant again even though i was once again on birth control. We didn't have sex very much, probably 25 times the first year after our first child was born (twice a month). I was fine with it, but hated it when we did have it. It made me feel dirty and gross and I just wanted it to be over with. I made excuses not to have sex but he would get upset after a dry spell and I would have sex just to please him. We decided to have a second and final child and after he was conceived it was like my libido turned off and left me. I wanted nothing to do with sex, pleasing him, being pleasured, cuddling, kissing, being touched etc. The thought of sex grossed me out and again, that made him feel unloved, unwanted and unhappy with our marriage. 

 

Fast forward a few years. Our children are 2 and 4 now. I still hate sex and don't like being penetrated at all either. Every once in a great while (i'm talking every few months) I may feel sexually aroused to the point where I will initiate sex simply because I want to be stimulated and not just masturbate and get it over with (which is something I do once or twice a month in the shower). I have found that over the past few years, I don't feel any sexual attraction for anyone I see out in public, on TV, in movies etc. I still appreciate looking at a gorgeous man's face, but thats the extent of it. I don't find my husband sexually attractive but I love him and I feel horrible that our sex drives are completely incompatible. I know it makes him feel unwanted and insecure about himself but I can't force myself to want to have sex. I was allowing him to please himself by just letting have sex with me even when i really didn't want to and felt raped but I didn't want to make him feel bad. 

 

I am wondering if anyone else has felt this way. Is this normal? Could I consider these feelings Asexual? I've looked into "mom blogs" and 99% of the women say they have lost their libido and have even felt hatred towards their husbands postpartum or while breastfeeding but it goes away after time. I feel like this is something that is not going to just fade away. I feel like I've always been anti-sex but just went with it because it was the "normal" thing to do. 

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Perilous Poozer

Welcome and have some cake :cake:! I can relate to some of this and think too there’s possibly some combination with being tired and “touched out” that comes with young kids that many mums experience. Mine little one is four, and my willingness to perform sexually bottomed out when he showed up. Perversely accepting aceness has improved things for me as I can now accept my lack of desire which takes off a layer of stress and expectation. Ultimately only you will be able to decide if you identify under the asexual umbrella and I hope you enjoy exploring the experiences members here so freely and frankly share here!

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