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How do you tell if you are Ace?


unsureace

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hey I'm someone who is pretty sure that they are Ace but I feel like I cant know because I have never had sex. Like I dont know how sexual drive is suppost to feel. So any tips on finding out whether I am and feeling comfortable with it? Thanks so much

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Asexuality isn't about whether you like sex or not.  It's more about whether you feel continuously driven to pursue it in the first place.

 

Since you claim not to even know what it feels like to be sexually driven, there's a good chance you're asexual or at least functionally so until circumstances indicate otherwise.

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Lucy in the sky

I don't know how you can know for sure, but I can tell you why I perceive myself as being ace;

I'm 20, and by choice I have never been in a relationship or had sex. I don't desire the latter, don't really care tbh. :P

I never understood what all the fuss is with people drooling over somebody's 'hot' body. I can appreciate if somebody is athletic and they take care of themselves; I do too. But sexual drive to me is a mystery. I have never looked at a person and thought something along the lines of 'Oh, they're so sexy! I want their body!' The concept is way too confusing and foreign to me. :blink:

I have experienced sexual arousal, but independently, not while thinking about anyone specifically or about the act of sex itself - I've experienced it simply as a physical mechanism.

 

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All I can say for certain is that, after a lifetime of struggling with my sexual identity, I was discreetly directed to AVEN by a friend.  When I read the entire description of Asexuality that was available at that time,.... well that was a real eye opener for me.  I identified with so much of what I read.  I did not feel alone any longer.  I felt a huge sense of relief.  

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I was born with a birthmark on my penis that said "do not insert into any orifice, human or otherwise". except they had to wrap the text around and abbreviate a lot, cause, well it's just not that long, so it's really hard to understand. for years I thought that a knothole in a fence was an allowed exception. Neighbors were NOT pleased

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
6 hours ago, unsureace said:

hey I'm someone who is pretty sure that they are Ace but I feel like I cant know because I have never had sex. Like I dont know how sexual drive is suppost to feel. So any tips on finding out whether I am and feeling comfortable with it? Thanks so much

It's certainly not easy to say if you never had sex before but it may still be so if you doesn't experience any sexual attraction to someone else. I'd advise to watch yourself very carefully when being around other people as a first step. There's a difference between experiencing aesthestic physical and sexual attraction.  Do you appreciate the beauty of certain body features (hands, eyes,  smile, body shape..) or do you also feel like wanting to get sexual intimate with a person ( in the terms of having intercourse ) ? 

 

However, I guess the only way is to just go and give it a try when the time or moments feel right because you won't never be able to tell what petting or a kiss  feels like if you never had one for example. If you don't experinece any sexual attration at all you might me asexual but it's just on you to decide what or who you really are.

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7 hours ago, unsureace said:

hey I'm someone who is pretty sure that they are Ace but I feel like I cant know because I have never had sex. Like I dont know how sexual drive is suppost to feel. So any tips on finding out whether I am and feeling comfortable with it? Thanks so much

For myself, I have never experienced sexual desire or attraction, never had the drive to even try (except in flashes of pure curiosity quickly come and gone), and have no interest in ever trying really. There are other, more shiny, things to catch my eye, like a new book or movie, etc.

 

The best advice I've got is to experiment with your comfort zones with someone who's willing to listen to what you need and is willing to stop when/if it gets to be too much. Do you like to cuddle, hold hands, hug? Do those things make you want to explore further with kisses, etc.? Test your boundaries. Hope that helps some.

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14 hours ago, unsureace said:

how do you tell if you are ace

it's difficult 'cause identify one's own orientation when it's all about personal experiences of emotions, doesn't really have set logical rules of mater-of-fact. it isn't something you can just reason through universally to answer to every human out there - there's so much variety in human attraction and interpersonal connection that we can only offer guidelines.

 

For me what made me realize was first, seeing the documentary (a)sexuality expecially where David Jay said, "sex just doesn't make sense to my body" for me I'm not exactly sex repulsed at all in fact - but something about sexual contact.... doesn't really make sense. it isn't what my body is for.

 

But then more importantly was both having had a relationship where I was sexually active - for me I don't think I could've figured it out without that experience - and a positive experience at that - where me and my partner worked well together and etc - and to see her sexual energy up close and personal and not have that myself? I knew I was different and at the time I didn't know what (I saw the documentation a year later than that relationship)

 

and then most importantly honestly was getting to know other aces and chatting with them about stuff. Eventually I actually came to realize I am not ace but instead graysexual - "between" sexual and ace but kind of neither but kind of both - for a few subtler reasons. One being that I do feel sexual attraction, tho I lack any intention or desire to have sex at all, and another being that when I'm physically intimate with someone I'm attracted to it can be exciting and it can be arousing for me - which other aces, they find physical cuddling to be more desirable aspect of physical intimacy, for its calming nature - and they don't get horny when close with their crushes. There are some other reasons as well that clued me in on being grey and not ace.

 

sorry that all I can offer is my own story. I wouldn't even know how to tell others what to do if I tried, except to be patient. And self-observant, as well as looking to learn from others too.

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Having sex isn't necessary to figure out one's orientation. One of the comebacks to, "how can you be sure if you haven't tried it?" (a typical comment aces get) is, "how can you be sure you're straight if you haven't slept with a guy?" (Disclaimer: usually only works for straight people). People obviously know their preferences without having to try everything with everyone.

Additonally, afaik any sexual activity would technically be pleasurable to some extent to most sex-positive people. Orientation is a matter of attraction. A number of aces do still have libido but it's never aimed at anyone, because they lack sexual attraction.

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