I'm not actually sure if I'm asexual...

[prettydarncoolperson]

I found AVEN about a month ago and it's been really helpful in helping me to find people who seem to have shared similar experiences to me. However, I'm still a little conflicted on if I would actually fit under the ace umbrella, as I feel some of my traits conflict with themselves. Any help on if I'm ace or not? Here's a rundown:

 

First off:

-I'm neutral to sex (would do it to make an SO happy and I myself would probably enjoy it because I'm having physical contact with a partner I love, but it's definitely not the first thing I would want to do and to tell the truth it does gross me out a little)

-I've never masturbated and never had an urge to

-I've loved women and wanted to get married since I was a little kid, so I know a large part of my attraction was pre-puberty and therefore can't be sexual, so I am definitely a romantic ace

 

HOWEVER,

-I love physical contact with women and so definitely experience at least sensual attraction, I enjoy tongue kissing and other intimate non-sex acts which I know a lot of asexual people are not into, which makes me doubt my orientation

-I DO have a fetish, but it's nothing related to genitals. However would that count as the same thing as having sexual attraction?

-Although as I said I loved girls since I was a little kid, I also noticed a definite change in my attraction to the female figure when I went through puberty, specifically areas of the body that are usually sexually-charged such as the breast.

 

So I'm very neutral (maybe slightly grossed out) by sex, which is the standard of being considered asexual. However I love intimate/sensual physical contact, am attracted to the female body in what feels sexual, and even have a fetish. With all of this stuff, could I really be asexual? Am I under the ace umbrella or something else?

 

Thanks for all the help! Regardless of what I am, I love all the people on this site, you all are so friendly and welcoming. Keep being awesome.

 

[LadyFie]

Only you can tell whether you're experiencing sexual attraction or not. However, experiencing sensual attraction and having a fetish does NOT exclude you from being asexual, it's all about the sexual attraction. There are actually a few asexuals who have fetishes or like sensual contact.

 

Also, be aware it's really not important to choose a fixed label for yourself. You can keep in mind that you might be ace or somewhere on the grey spectrum and just decide later.

[Lichley]

If you have a fetish, like boobs,buts, or other parts, desire A LOT of sensual contact (but not sex), masturbate, are married - you can be ace.

If you experience sexual desire you're not asexual but could be Demi/gray/lith.

Asexuality is a word for a feeling - a lack of sexual desire. If you lack sexual desire then chances are you're ace. If you choose to identify as such, great, if not don't worry, everyone is welcome on AVEN. 

[CirrusClouds]

2 hours ago, Lichley said:

If you have a fetish, like boobs,buts, or other parts, desire A LOT of sensual contact (but not sex), masturbate, are married - you can be ace.

If you experience sexual desire you're not asexual but could be Demi/gray/lith.

Asexuality is a word for a feeling - a lack of sexual desire. If you lack sexual desire then chances are you're ace. If you choose to identify as such, great, if not don't worry, everyone is welcome on AVEN. 

 

Asexuality is a lack sexual attraction not desire. There are aces that have sexual desire as in a high libido and watch porn, things like that.

[Lichley]

Whoops wrong word 

[prettydarncoolperson]

17 hours ago, LadyFie said:

Only you can tell whether you're experiencing sexual attraction or not. However, experiencing sensual attraction and having a fetish does NOT exclude you from being asexual, it's all about the sexual attraction. There are actually a few asexuals who have fetishes or like sensual contact.

14 hours ago, Lichley said:

If you have a fetish, like boobs,buts, or other parts, desire A LOT of sensual contact (but not sex), masturbate, are married - you can be ace.

If you experience sexual desire you're not asexual but could be Demi/gray/lith.

Asexuality is a word for a feeling - a lack of sexual desire. If you lack sexual desire then chances are you're ace. If you choose to identify as such, great, if not don't worry, everyone is welcome on AVEN. 

 

Thanks guys, that actually helped a lot! I think today I finally accepted my orientation as ace. Things make sense now, whoo!

[binary suns]

@prettydarncoolperson

 

This post presents my personal opinion and observations. There isn't established "fact" to answer your questions really.

 

sorry in advance if it's long or confusing

 

 

 

When it comes to "kinks" there are aces who have kinks. As I understand it, the kink is clearly nonsexual for them - it isn't about sexual arousal, sexual touching, or etc. like, "bondage" is relatively popular in the kink community, and some aces like bondage but don't like if it's sexually charged.

So IMO if your kink makes you horny, maybe you're grey, but assuming it don't make you horny/etc, then sure you can still be ace.

 

When it comes to physical attraction and aesthetic attraction, AKA liking a person's body or appearance or something along those lines, it is something that some aces do find boobs, chest, butt, and groin/parts to be attractive to look at, I dunno what exactly to say to clarify "how" though. For me, there is clearly a difference between:

• me looking at someone and saying, "sure they're attractive" but not for me personally;
• me looking at someone and being aesthetically attracted to them
• me looking at someone and being sexually attracted to them

there are some similarities between how these feel, but some differences that really stand out. one thing that happens when I feel sexually attracted to a person in any way, is I feel butterflies in my tummy area that I don't really ever feel otherwise - but this is an experience that's unique to how my brain and body process my emotions. The only reason I KNOW it's sexual attraction is because 1)  it generally feels like it's sexual, not sure how to explain it...  2) sometimes it has become arousing to me

 

so to respond generally to the question, "can I like boobs/etc in a nonsexual way" sure, but you can also like it in a sexual way. you need more information from your emotional experiences to decide for yourself, if you like boobs/etc sexually or non-sexually.

also please be aware - that even if you do like it sexually - it still isn't really clear to communicate orientation - as some aces are libido'd and checking out butts or etc all day can influence their libido - but then they go home and masturbate and would never really be OKAY with sex that's not what they want in their life.

 

personally I think that people who find humans to stimulate their libido to be grey, but many people disagree with me on that. I feel that there is too much stigma against the grey identity, and this is why I hold my opinion despite opposition to it.... I fear that people say it could be still ace, because of anti-grey stigma. but that's a wild claim for me to make

 

 

 

hopefully this comment doesn't anger anyone I think I presented my opinions cordially enough and reflective of how this is only my opinion that applies to my determining my orientation, and I literally don't care what other people say about their orientation, since I'm not gonna date them anyway and that's the only (interpersonal) time it really matters

 

 

 

oh, last thing - I know that there are a few options of labels that describe people who feel sexual attraction to others in some way, but [various reasons why it doesn't make sense to call them sexual] but I'm not very familiar with them and don't know how to differentiate between them. personally I'm happy with just "grey".

[what-am-i]

43 minutes ago, float on said:

When it comes to "kinks" there are aces who have kinks. As I understand it, the kink is clearly nonsexual for them - it isn't about sexual arousal, sexual touching, or etc. like, "bondage" is relatively popular in the kink community, and some aces like bondage but don't like if it's sexually charged.

So IMO if your kink makes you horny, maybe you're grey, but assuming it don't make you horny/etc, then sure you can still be ace.

What if your kink/fetish makes you horny, but it isn't sexual?

[binary suns]

dunno. personally, if something makes me horny I'd consider it sexual.

 

keep in mind that masturbation is sexual, but not sexual... er, for lack of a better word, not allosexual. lol.... 

[prettydarncoolperson]

14 hours ago, what-am-i said:

What if your kink/fetish makes you horny, but it isn't sexual?

I guess it depends on how you're defining horny?

 

If you mean desiring sex, then I'd say no in my case, as I'm sex neutral and have never really been interested in trying it.

 

But do you mean just getting aroused?

[what-am-i]

On 9/27/2017 at 7:21 PM, prettydarncoolperson said:

But do you mean just getting aroused?

yes

[Asexual Potato]

On 27 september 2017 at 2:53 AM, float on said:

@prettydarncoolperson

 

This post presents my personal opinion and observations. There isn't established "fact" to answer your questions really.

 

sorry in advance if it's long or confusing

 

 

 

When it comes to "kinks" there are aces who have kinks. As I understand it, the kink is clearly nonsexual for them - it isn't about sexual arousal, sexual touching, or etc. like, "bondage" is relatively popular in the kink community, and some aces like bondage but don't like if it's sexually charged.

So IMO if your kink makes you horny, maybe you're grey, but assuming it don't make you horny/etc, then sure you can still be ace.

 

When it comes to physical attraction and aesthetic attraction, AKA liking a person's body or appearance or something along those lines, it is something that some aces do find boobs, chest, butt, and groin/parts to be attractive to look at, I dunno what exactly to say to clarify "how" though. For me, there is clearly a difference between:

• me looking at someone and saying, "sure they're attractive" but not for me personally;
• me looking at someone and being aesthetically attracted to them
• me looking at someone and being sexually attracted to them

there are some similarities between how these feel, but some differences that really stand out. one thing that happens when I feel sexually attracted to a person in any way, is I feel butterflies in my tummy area that I don't really ever feel otherwise - but this is an experience that's unique to how my brain and body process my emotions. The only reason I KNOW it's sexual attraction is because 1)  it generally feels like it's sexual, not sure how to explain it...  2) sometimes it has become arousing to me

 

so to respond generally to the question, "can I like boobs/etc in a nonsexual way" sure, but you can also like it in a sexual way. you need more information from your emotional experiences to decide for yourself, if you like boobs/etc sexually or non-sexually.

also please be aware - that even if you do like it sexually - it still isn't really clear to communicate orientation - as some aces are libido'd and checking out butts or etc all day can influence their libido - but then they go home and masturbate and would never really be OKAY with sex that's not what they want in their life.

 

personally I think that people who find humans to stimulate their libido to be grey, but many people disagree with me on that. I feel that there is too much stigma against the grey identity, and this is why I hold my opinion despite opposition to it.... I fear that people say it could be still ace, because of anti-grey stigma. but that's a wild claim for me to make

 

 

 

hopefully this comment doesn't anger anyone I think I presented my opinions cordially enough and reflective of how this is only my opinion that applies to my determining my orientation, and I literally don't care what other people say about their orientation, since I'm not gonna date them anyway and that's the only (interpersonal) time it really matters

 

 

 

oh, last thing - I know that there are a few options of labels that describe people who feel sexual attraction to others in some way, but [various reasons why it doesn't make sense to call them sexual] but I'm not very familiar with them and don't know how to differentiate between them. personally I'm happy with just "grey".

Sometimes I do get aroused when I look at breasts, but it's not like I want to have sex with the person "that owns the breasts" (I'm sorry, but I don't know how to say it otherwise), am I really asexual?

[Susurrus]

What helped me was doing a ton of research (both in AVEN and elsewhere), understanding the definitions (there's a helpful glossary somewhere on AVEN, but I can't find it, so here's something similar: http://asexualadvice.tumblr.com/glossary), and giving myself time to think about it all. Eventually, I realized that (to me, at least) a label is mostly helpful because it provides a framework to think about how you relate to people in a specific context. In this case, the label "asexual" helped me because it's the only one I know if that makes my world less confusing. It makes sense to me.

 

I know that your situation is different, but I hope I can help in some way. Take your time, if you need to. Finding a label is supposed to help you, not stress you out.