I'm Too Old to be THIS Confused About MY OWN Sexuality

[Liffey]

(This is going to be a mess, I have no idea how to say this, or how to figure it all out, which is why I'm here. / Also, this is way more personal information than I'm usually comfortable giving, but I'm desperate. Forgive me.)

 

I'm pretty sure I've never felt sexually attracted to anyone. Which is only something I could say at twenty-seven. Before then, I didn't know about Asexuality, at least, not with any real understanding. I didn't know there was a difference between what I felt (damn, those cheekbones, so pretty), and what others felt (hot damn, 10/10, would bang.) So, I figured that everyone felt the same way I did. When my friends started talking about crushes, I thought I understood, because I'm a romantic dork, and hand-holding and cuddling sounds nice. I didn't understand FOR YEARS there was a difference in how we saw our respective crushes. They wanted those sexual experiences, while they never crossed my mind.

 

Rewind- I met my husband when I was sixteen. We were friends for a year before he asked me out. We dated long distance for two years. I fell in love with him. We went on dates, we fooled around. I acted like I thought I was supposed to- I blamed nerves on any discomfort, I blamed inexperience.  He was fine with waiting for sex, we were both young, and I was firm against it. We were engaged after two years. Another year after that, we were living together, planning our wedding, and I couldn't really think of an excuse not to have sex. I figured it would be practical to have sex before the wedding- get the awkwardness, or discomfort, or pain out of the way before hand. And it was awkward. No amount of love could make it less weird.

 

Surely, it would be less awkward next time? No. Not really.

Have more sex- maybe it's an acquired taste? It still didn't make me go 'yes, the sex, we should do that' but it was more like, 'I'll schedule it here, here, and here, and maybe we'll jump-start this libido.'

 

We got married. Things are pretty great. I love him. I love cuddling on the couch. I love playing video games with him. We go on hikes, and hold-hands. We share our lives. That is what I always wanted in the end. But it still never occurs to me to have sex- if he didn't initiate, it would never happen. He said something the other day to our friends- about marriage being sexless- and it kind of struck me, it wasn't sexless because he wanted it to be, it's because I have, over the years, found ways to avoid it. He asks sometimes if I'm, 'in the mood' and I always immediately reply, 'no.' I understand what he means by that phrase, but I don't think I've ever been 'in the mood.'

 

I first heard about asexuality when I was twenty-six. I had made the assumption that because I had sex, than surely I had felt sexual attraction. I put off learning more until I was twenty-seven (I'm the Queen of Procrastination, yes, I put off figuring out my sexuality, it's messy, I'd still be putting it off if it wasn't becoming a problem.) I assumed I had a low-libido for years- I mean, I probably do, but that's besides the point. And now, the more I learn, the more confused I get. I read some things on here, and I'm like, 'yes, this sounds like me.' And then other things I'm like, 'ok, not really.' The entire spectrum of it, and the whole 'attraction vs. sex drive' makes it so difficult. I'm the kind of person who just wants to be able to fit myself into one box, and be like, 'yes, this fits.' I essentially need Maury Povich to be all like, 'yes, you ARE asexual."

 

I think what makes it confusing is that I do (usually) enjoy sex once we get into it. I don't really care about doing it, but once we are, it's (usually) pretty good. On the other cases, I can't seem to get into it and end up thinking about how I'm going to have to do laundry, or something when we're done.

 

Three years ago we decided we would try for a baby- which is, I suppose, what really drove me to try and actually figure out this mess I'm in. While all other aspirations of my life come and go, motherhood is something I've always wanted. Three years later, I just turned twenty-eight, no baby. I want a child so bad, I assumed it would happen by now- but we have sex like once or twice a month- or not at all, like the case of the month past. My wanting a child, or my love of my husband and wanting to please him doesn't seem to override how I just don't really care about sex.

 

I remember about two years ago I told my mother I didn't really ever want to have sex, and that was probably what was impeding the whole baby making process. She's probably the first mother to suggest to her daughter to 'try watching porn.' #thanksmom  People who are close to us know we've been trying for a child, and the pressure, and questions, and the 'you should go to the doctor' is really getting to me. I don't think a doctor is going to fix this. I don't think it's a physiological problem with either of us. I think it's just we don't have enough sex, and that's a me problem, and I really have no idea how to deal with that. I'm still not sure if I should identify as asexual, or not. I'm not sure how to deflect those 'go to a doctor' comments. If I am, how will that effect my relationship with my husband (how do you tell the love of your life you've never been sexually attracted to them?) I'm definitely not crying. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here. I've read so many comments on this site, on other sites, I've watched videos on the subject on youtube, but I still can't figure it all out. I did not expect a sexual-identity crisis at twenty-eight.

 

This is a goddamn mess. I'm sorry.

 

[roland.o]

Hello Liffey, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...  :-)

 

You started questioning at 27? You beat me by two decades... that much for "too old" ;-)

 

If you need a box to fit in, here's one: You're human. We are complicated specimen. It's in our nature.

 

The part about enjoying it when you get into it could indicate responsive sexual desire.

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

But it's up to you to decide whether your enjoyment qualifies as "desire". If not, the label asexual might still fit you.

 

Now, the part about getting pregnant is an entirely different matter. Are you approaching this scientifically? Clocking your period, determining the dates with high likelihood of conception, and scheduling sex accordingly? It sure isn't romantic, but if your goal is to get pregnant, that will increase your chances significantly. If you're just living and loving as ever, hoping that it will happen out of the blue, you might have to wait a long time. A doctor could help you with planning a schedule, but so could online resources.

 

I'll leave it to others to provide more suggestions, and cake.

Enjoy your stay on AVEN. I hope you'll figure things out!

 

[banoffeepie]

Hey Hi there and welcome 

 

Too old? hmm I think 28's pretty average so nothing wrong with you there lol

 

I can relate entirely to your asexuality. I would never initiate sex and keep finding ways to make it less and less frequent .. then felt guilty.  All I can say in response to the baby issue is that I can just share that frequency of sex is not a very important factor it's way more about cycle timing @roland.o. If it's at all encouraging I've got 4 kids and there was pitifully little sex.

(how do you tell the love of your life you've never been sexually attracted to them?) The only other thing I'll share is that you can't, in fact you shouldn't try and tell your partner this cold, until you're sure they have read through this forum and accept that asexuality exists. It's only going to hurt them a lot. But reading a few explanations may help them not feel so personally devalued. I didn't know about asexuality but I just told my wife I was hardwired wrong and had never had any sex drive. But she never stopped believing that I was gay. Somehow this was less hurtful to her.

[MMD]

If it helps I'm 30somthing and still working it out 

[mallycat]

Hey, I'm 54 and only found out about asexuality last year.  I have wondered, through all my life, why i don't enjoy and don't want sex.  I was so screwed up about not wanting sex with a man I tried it with a woman and didn't like that either.  I did some research last year and came across asexuality and it was like a lightbulb had gone off.  Most of my relationships have ended probably because I tried everything I could not to have sex.  Like you I am a romantic dork.  I think I am 'in love with the idea of being in love' but that's as far as it goes.

I find sex 'icky' and always have.....I can't see the point and if you look at it logically it's quite ludicrous.  I don't find men sexually attractive...friends look at a ripped semi naked male model and describe him as horny.  All I see is a human being with better muscle definition than most.  The last thing I would want to look at is his nethers......Over the years, when I had relationships I would keep telling myself it will be better with this one, because society puts so much pressure on you to be 'normal', to fit in.  But it never got any better, I just became a much better actress.

Now I have embraced the fact that I will never have sex again, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Trouble is, it's now virtually impossible to find anyone to date, because most men want sex, and I suppose most of us are hardwired to want, and enjoy it, otherwise the human race would die out pretty quickly.

So don't beat yourself up, embrace who and what you are, and understand that, as humans, we come in all shapes, sizes, colours, and sexual orientations.

 

Lisa 

 

[Lichley]

Welcome!

You don't have to take,up the label of asexuality if you don't want to, but the definition of asexuality is just a lack of sexual desire. Not celibacy, not aromantic, just no desire for sex. It's just a word, take it or leave it, in the end it's up to you where you go from here. Will your newfound knowledge help you in your quest for a baby? Probably not, but it may help you better explain how you feel to your husband.

 

[mAx1n3]

Hey, so I know that I'm still a teenager, but I'd still like to try and help you out. First off from what you've said I think you are definitely on the a-spec. Even if you can enjoy it sometimes in the moment. I've heard this comparison that I'm going to try and quote (and probably fail miserably) but sex is like bacon to asexual. There are some who don't like bacon at all (sex repulsed) there are some who don't really care if they eat eggs or bacon it doesn't make a difference (sex indifferent) and there are those who while the don't look at bacon and think wow I wanna eat that so bad, if they do eat it they can enjoy it, but there is no craving.(I don't remember the term for

that.) I'm sure there are better explanations but that's the best I got sorry. As far as having a baby but not wanting to have sex. I don't know if you are open to this or not, but there are other ways to aquire babies. For example adoption, if you and your husband would be alright with that option than I would definitely suggest that. As far as telling your husband about your (maybe) sexuality, you need to be careful. First off I would run the definition by him in some

unrelated way (maybe say you met someone who said they were) and initiate a conversation and get his opinions on the matter. Try and slowly get him used to the idea of asexuality, then whenever you think is the right time (if that's never than that's ok too) then drop the bomb. There really is no easy answer here, just do your best. 

[Liffey]

Thank you all for taking the time to 'listen' (read,) and offer your advice (AND CAKE.) I really appreciate it.

 

@roland.o  Thank you for the link, it's something to factor in. As for the pregnancy thing; tried clocking, but after a year and a half, didn't really find it to be all that helpful. Then again, I admit, I might not have committed myself to it as much as I should have.

 

@banoffeepie I definitely wouldn't tell him about the lack of sexual attraction thing outright- that was a lack of thought in my writing- I was more concerned about bringing up how asexuality is defined (by the lack of sexual attraction) and him figuring that bit out all on his own.

 

@MMD It does

 

@mallycat romantic dorks, UNITE! I really identify with a lot of what you said, so thank you so much for sharing <3 

 

@Lichley That cake... is... marvelous! Thank you. And I'm now going to refer to trying to get pregnant as 'The Quest for a Baby'- will this new title help? No, but it will make it much more epic whenever I discuss it with someone.

 

@mAx1n3  I have considered other methods of having children, but (at least, where I live) they are difficult, time consuming, and in some instances, financially draining. It's a whole process. It's not something that's off the table- but I know my husband is more, 'if we get pregnant, great, if not, that's fine too.' He'd be fine without kids- where I would find that to be a great absence in my life. (Being a teenager doesn't mean you can't help, you have   )