Jump to content

Advice needed.


Topshelfdirt

Recommended Posts

Have any of y'all felt disgusting for feeling sexual? Is this common? I'm starting to feel like "because I want to be close with this person in this physical way and they don't" that I'm a creep. What kind of person wants sex from someone that doesn't want it? I just want to be close and feel connected to them. I feel rejected/lonely/mad at myself. I love them. We've been together for years and were best friends before that. I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of the situation. Y'all got any advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Topshelfdirt said:

Have any of y'all felt disgusting for feeling sexual? Is this common? I'm starting to feel like "because I want to be close with this person in this physical way and they don't" that I'm a creep. What kind of person wants sex from someone that doesn't want it? I just want to be close and feel connected to them. I feel rejected/lonely/mad at myself. I love them. We've been together for years and were best friends before that. I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of the situation. Y'all got any advice?

@Topshelfdirt, unfortunately that feeling is quite common in a mixed relationship between an asexual (1% of population) and a sexual. I dont know your or your partners level of difference on this, and feel free to write a personal message to explain/talk.

but wanting sex and the closeness that comes with it is quite normal. What needs to be done is some serious talk about showing/receiving love, feelings about/during sex, future perspectives. Not easy!

 

my advice is to forget the idea about a compromise and think about an mutual acceptable agreement instead. If your partner does not desire sex. Is he/she ok with it? Does it just not pop up on their radar or do they feel disgusted by the whole idea? Is it a boring chore or a fun activity to give you pleasure? How, how much, when, how to initiate it? It can be hard to not be wanted and can feel like a rejection. Question is, a rejection of what?

 

I have ended up with an agreement about occasional sex by schedule, and her trying to remember to touch me a bit on an everyday basis. Like a hand on my shoulder when we pass each other in the doorway. Once in a while, a kiss. It is beginning to be a bit of a nice habit  and I feel her positive acceptance of my presence = "ok, she loves me". 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Zenzencat104 said:

If they don't want it, then find something else that you like.

"Do you want some coffee with me?"

"No, and if you want coffee, then drink it somewhere else. Don't sit here!"

"Do you want something else, with me?"

"not if you want coffee! I dislike the smell of it!"

"what if i drink it from a cup with lid and you sit near the window and eat your cake with a nice odour to it that may overrule the stench of my (lovely) coffee?"

"good idea, i can even put on loud music and we dont need to look at each other, do we?"

"I think I will eat cake with you, and forget about the coffee for now!"

"but you still want coffee?"

"but I would still have liked to drink coffee!"

 

I know this is a bit harshly written, but just pointing out, how the rejection often feels and how the compromise can be hard to make. ...and I am aware that the asexual migth actually be doing the biggest effort/compromise, even without the sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, Topshelfdirt.

Expressing and receiving love is a serious problem in mixed relationships, indeed. I’m very happy with my partner, but this is an issue for us as well. I’m used to expressing my love through physical means – performing oral sex, learning new moves and pleasing things in genital sex etc. But I can’t do any of that with my partner! It doesn’t make me feel disgusting per se, but trying to express love without sex feels like pushing an ocean through a straw. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst.

Mr. Dane is right – serious conversations about mutually satisfactory ways to show affection from both sides can help a great deal. It’s really not about compromises (where you don’t get yours, I don’t get mine), but about finding some totally new kinds of intimacy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We've talked about it a bit but I'm concerned that I'm making them feel pressured or broken for not wanting sex. I think it's like some mundane chore to them. I have no idea if I'm doing something wrong or if there's anything I could do so they'd have a better time but they just don't want to talk about it. I don't really think either of us could afford to see a counselor right now but I'm wondering if that might help. I'd at least like us to be able to talk about it without either of us feeling hurt.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As long as you're being respectful in the way you're talking about it, there's nothing wrong with needing to discuss an important problem in the relationship. If they feel pressured or broken, however sympathetic you are, that's on them, not you. They shouldn't expect you not to express your needs any more than you'd expect them not to.

 

In terms of 'having a better time'... if they're asexual, there is nothing you can do, ever, to make them desire sex for their own benefit. You might be able to discover some sexual activities they're less uncomfortable with than others and are happy to do for your benefit. That's about as good as it's going to get.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please don't feel disgusting for wanting what you want, almost everyone on these particular threads desires sex from people who don't want it!  That's why we're here, and most of us understand your feelings of rejection and loneliness.  But your desires are totally normal and there's nothing wrong with you so don't be mad at yourself!  For most people, once you are attracted to a person and you get to know them, the desire for physical intimacy and sex develops.  For some people, they may feel the attraction and even be in love with you, but never develop those same desires for a physical relationship.  There's nothing wrong with your feelings and you shouldn't be expected to repress them!  That being said, there's nothing wrong with your partner and you can't change them, but they shouldn't have to endure things that make them uncomfortable.  So it's going to be very important that you find out if they just don't think about sex but do enjoy it, whether certain activities are good but others are not, or whether the thought of the physical act just turns them off completely.  This will help you work out whether a compromise is possible but it needs to be an agreement that you both are comfortable with, can live with, and that you will both stick to.  You have fallen in love with someone who may not be compatible with you and you both need to be very honest about what you want, and what you can live with, to see if you can work something out. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I feel like this every time I initiate sex. I feel like a creeper who begs for sex from someone that doesnt want to touch me. I have to talk myself into even asking for sex from fear of being rejected again. It seems that I suppress my needs and just leave him alone but now I am getting resentful. I'm at the stage where I'm mad because he is happy and in control of our sex life and I'm always sexually frustrated. I don't understand why it's such a bad thing to want to show my husband how much I love and want him by making love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty
On 9/22/2017 at 7:47 PM, Topshelfdirt said:

Have any of y'all felt disgusting for feeling sexual? Is this common? I'm starting to feel like "because I want to be close with this person in this physical way and they don't" that I'm a creep. What kind of person wants sex from someone that doesn't want it? I just want to be close and feel connected to them. I feel rejected/lonely/mad at myself. I love them. We've been together for years and were best friends before that. I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I don't know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of the situation. Y'all got any advice?

I didn't used to, but a few months ago I came to realize that my wife would never want sex with me, regardless of how I treated her. I stopped thinking about it as some barrier to be overcome, and started thinking of it as something horrible that I was doing to her. The worste was about a month ago, after we had had a really bad fight. She asked me how she could make me really happy, and I asked for a sex act that she had recoiled in disgust from in the past. She started to do it, and I felt sick for asking. 

 

She has always maintained that sex is boring for her and a little uncomfortable, but nothing else. She has said several times that I should not feel like I am raping her, because I am not. Even so, I cannot shake the feeling of being disgusting that you talk about here. I think it is partly because a lot of the things I would like to do are things she calls disgusting or perverted. I think this is common. 

 

The best advice I can give is make sure that you have good communication. If you regularly hear them say that you are not a creep and that they feel flattered by the attention, that will probably go a long way to making you feel better. 

 

Good luck. :cake: 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...