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Is this actually dysphoria? Am I making this up?


-Lex-

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I am very confused right now.  I don't know what I am.  I thought I was agender and asexual.  But I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me I'm making all of it up and doing it for attention like everyone always told me.  Every time I put on my binder, every time I look at my short hair, every time I look at my closet full of feminine clothes I can't bring myself to wear, I hear that voice.  Even though I hate my body, I hate my boobs, I have my hips, I hate my stomach, I hate everything that makes me a woman.  I hate myself period.  That voice tells me I'm just making it all up, that it's just another mental disorder, that it's just my eating disorder.

 

I don't want to be a woman.  I don't want to be a man either.  I just want to be nothing.  Every time I put on women's clothes I feel like I don't even recognize myself.  When I wear gender neutral clothes that hide my curves, I feel confident.  But every time I start feeling good about my body, I hear that voice.  I stare at myself in the mirror and I hear that voice telling me I don't deserve to feel confident if I'm not wearing what my mom would want me to wear, if I don't look like a woman.  Today, I put on an actual bra and a women's top and pants that showed my curves to try to force myself to accept that I'm a woman.  I felt like the person looking back at me in the mirror was someone else.  I didn't feel real.  Nothing felt real until I took it all off and put my binder back on.

 

Is that what dysphoria is?  Is this just my eating disorder?  Am I just making all this up?

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If you feel it, you must not be making it up, right? Hmmm...I don't remember feeling like I didn't want to be a girl when I was severely anorexic. I liked being a girl..still do. So, you'll be ok. Don't beat yourself up. Just be. What you want.

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That's what my dysphoria is, Ah I found my link, it was a bit buried.

http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75333093314/the-more-subtle-kind-of-gender-dysphoria

Also:

https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2013/03/17/how-do-i-know-if-im-trans/

These all really helped my a lot, I still spend quite a bit of time with massive bouts of anxiety over being trans and wishing I wasn't trans, but I have pretty much accepted that fact that I am trans at this point, even though some of my gender journey did not travel along conventional pathways. The not seeing yourself in the mirror thing is actually really common in dysphoria, you can't recognize yourself in your body, because it's literally not the body your brain is expecting.

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You're not making this up. If you were, you wouldn't be worrying about it. Your dysphoria is valid. Don't force yourself to be feminine if it doesn't feel right. Just do what makes you feel comfortable.

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tell this voice to stfu, you're not making this up. you clearly state what you hate about yourself and yes, it is dysphoria.

*hugs to you* @TheAP is right. do what is the most comfortable to you. having curves doesn't automatically make you a woman, and you're not obliged to show them to the world if you're uncomfortable. I guess if you keep trying to be a woman, you'll be only more and more unhappy with yourself.

you deserve to feel confident in the gender expression that feels right for you. you deserve to be your true self. 

I see you also mention an eating disorder. please, be careful. it's nothing but slow destruction. :(

sending you best wishes. :cake:

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I've been having this problem too. I know, it's hard and it sucks to go through. Constantly worrying you're wrong about yourself, worrying you're doing the wrong thing. *hugs* :(

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1 hour ago, Evren said:

 

 

Great articles, thanks for sharing

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*Sits in OP's lap* Sorry for the sudden pounce on your lap, but I tend to do that when introductions are going to need to be skipped.

 

I just wanted to say that voice in your head is not something you need to listen to. As the others stated, your struggle is real. I can't offer more advice since I'm still doing research into this to better understand people who like you struggle with this, but these words are my personal mantra to myself and everyone on AVEN:

 

YOU ARE VALID.

 

Even though I don't understand everybody's struggles since most of them I don't experience, I still know they're valid people like you and me. They have hopes... Dreams... Pains... Joys... And sadness... They are who they are and no one can change that, not even that inner voice can. YOU be you, not what society wants. YOU make yourself happy, not society. Get what I'm saying, OP? If I'm not making sense, PM me so I can explain. Hoped I was encouraging...

 

May peace be with you, my friend.

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I can relate to what you say. 

These feelings are so scary. So my mind keeps teling me to just give it up and "man up" but it just feels so wrong. I am not a man!!

As already been said you are valid @TheAP is right if you whre making it up you would not be worried about it.

 

*hugs*

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Your opinion of your body does sound like dysphoria, and the voice sounds like it has to do with a disorder, but I don't know if it's the ED or depression or what. You have been told lots of things about what's real and what's not, you were taught all these rules about how and who/what you should be, so it makes sense that you'd have second guesses. However, I don't think most people don't hear a distinct voice or get met with inner objections as much as it seems you do. If you have anyone you can talk to, especially someone trained to help, you might want to do that.

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Sounds like the voice in your head is the voice of others/your mum/society. Chances are that if you put on feminine clothes and you feel you're 'in drag' or don't recognise yourself, and it's long term/not linked to a particular outfit or dress, there's something real to your feelings. Others/society has a way of excerting social control through making you feel 'abnormal' or 'wrong' if you can't follow the mainstream and stay happy. I've had those feelings too around asexuality and my gender, and it's normal to question yourself to make sure your feelings are genuine and not linked to anything else, but anything beyond that is society trying to make you fall in line IMO. Seeing it for what it is helped me not take as much account of those voices as I used to. 

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You guys are so nice.  Thank you for the support.  I'm in therapy right now, but I've yet to talk to my therapist about "The Voice" as I call it.  I know where it came from (years of emotional abuse) and I've been through all that crap before and it kinda went away for a while... Guess it's back.

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^_^ You were expecting everyone to be :twisted: or :evil:

 

I like your avatar drawing; it looks good and cute. Is that a self-portrait of you and your dog?  Did you make that?

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2 hours ago, sg06 said:

^_^ You were expecting everyone to be :twisted: or :evil:

 

I like your avatar drawing; it looks good and cute. Is that a self-portrait of you and your dog?  Did you make that?

No, it's actually a bitmoji.  And I just like dogs.  haha.

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I hope my words were encouraging... They were from the bottom of my heart, my siblings...

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9 hours ago, Achromatic Kitty said:

I hope my words were encouraging... They were from the bottom of my heart, my siblings...

Yes, thank you for the encouraging words. :) 

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*Bows* Your welcome. *Smiles* How are you now, AceAlexa?

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LuckofTheChuck

I know how that feels.

 

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