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Recently Married to [Potential] Asexual


Jungle00

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Hi  - I'm looking for some advice. 

 

My wife and I recently got married and I'm worried that she's an asexual. 

 

We have been together for three years and started off with a sexual relationship for the first six months, and then one day my wife asked that we stopped having sex until marriage. She comes from a very religious household and mentioned that she was beginning to feel guilty for having sex before marriage. I said that I was ok waiting until we get married to have sex again. Fast forward, and we have been married six months but have not had sex yet.  She says that she is either not in the mood or would prefer not to because she thinks it will hurt. I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her, but I'm also starting to worry that this will become the status quo. Any advice would be appreciated.    

 

 

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How often did the two of you have sex before you stopped?

Did she have sex BEFORE meeting you? 

Did you have sex BEFORE meeting her? 

Did you still have a physical relationship (holding hands, cuddling, kissing, fondling, arms around each other, etc.) during abstinence? 

 

 

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6 hours ago, vega57 said:

How often did the two of you have sex before you stopped? 

We had sex 2-3 times a week before we stopped 

 

Did she have sex BEFORE meeting you? 

Yes, she had 2 other sexual partners, one was a long-term boyfriend of 6 years (they didn't have much sex since much of it was long distance)

 

Did you have sex BEFORE meeting her? 

Yes, I've had multiple sexual partners and have always been open to her that sex is something that I enjoy 

 

Did you still have a physical relationship (holding hands, cuddling, kissing, fondling, arms around each other, etc.) during abstinence? 

Yes, we do all of the above and actually more than when we were having sex 

 

 

 

 

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Treesarepretty

Did she complain about pain during those first 6 months, or her previous relationship? 

 

I ask because that is something you two might want to address if it is really painful. Maybe longer foreplay to get her more ready? Maybe oral sex rather than PIV if you are large and she is small? Maybe there is something anatomically different? 

 

Is she still feeling guilty about the sex before marriage?

 

Maybe you should confess before a priest and do penance to find absolution for the two of you. Suggesting that you, personally, go through self flagellation, or a few weeks of helping the homeless, to make up in the eyes of her god for tempting her early on might make her more happy to have you as her husband and make her more relaxed around you. If nothing else, it would show that you really respect her point of view. 

 

How important is sex to you? 

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Maybe you should confess before a priest and do penance to find absolution for the two of you. Suggesting that you, personally, go through self flagellation, or a few weeks of helping the homeless, to make up in the eyes of her god for tempting her early on might make her more happy to have you as her husband and make her more relaxed around you. If nothing else, it would show that you really respect her point of view. 

She's the religious one, not him. Are you really suggesting he has to put in some good works and that'll make her feel less guilty about sex, so they'll have sex?

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Treesarepretty
40 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

She's the religious one, not him. Are you really suggesting he has to put in some good works and that'll make her feel less guilty about sex, so they'll have sex?

No. He came here asking for advice, and I was giving any suggestion I can think of that might help his situation. 

 

If the problem is that she feels guilty still because of religious reasons then he can suggest that she do penance--and look like a jerk for putting this squarely on her--or he can suggest that they both do something, or he can offer to do all the penance himself, like Jesus. Since this is an English language forum with members mainly in North America and Europe, he is likely a non-practicing Christian and she is likely a practicing Christian, which means that him offering to do the penance himself would both eliminate religious guilt as a possible block to sex and raise him up in her eyes. If it turns out that religious guilt is not what is holding her back, then raising his stature in her eyes should make her more willing to consider whatever else he suggests next, be it more dates together, a schedule, or marriage counselling. 

 

I asked how important sex is to him because he didn't say and I don't really expect someone to offer to do self flagellation unless he expects that this will become a huge problem in the short term. 

 

Perhaps putting "side note" there was a bad idea. I'll edit that. 

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She's feeling guilt, which means for her own actions, not his. You can't feel guilty for someone else's actions. So him self-flagellating is completely irrelevant.

 

And anyway, now she's saying it hurts or she's not in the mood. The reasons have changed. Most sexual partners on here will recognise this pattern (and quite a few asexuals too). She may well have started off being okay with sex, out of a combination of limerance, hoping it would work out this time and maybe having experienced relationships crashing and burning if she said she never wanted to have sex. Now limerance has worn off, she's realised she still doesn't want sex, and they're married, and she's realised she still doesn't want sex. Possibly without realising what her true reasons are, she's coming up with a succession of 'reasons' to avoid sex.

 

It's completely valid for her to choose not to have sex, but it's wrong for her to keep her husband dangling by forever coming up with new excuses and refusing to engage with the huge problem in their relationship. She needs to either engage in making some sort of compromise (currently the OP is making all the compromise by never having sex),  explain she's not willing to compromise and let the chips fall where they may, or see a doctor about her perception it'll be painful.

 

The only way the OP self flagellating would have any effect would be if it turns out she has some kind of sado-voyeurism kink involving whipping.

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5 hours ago, Jungle00 said:

How often did the two of you have sex before you stopped? 

We had sex 2-3 times a week before we stopped 

 

Did she have sex BEFORE meeting you? 

Yes, she had 2 other sexual partners, one was a long-term boyfriend of 6 years (they didn't have much sex since much of it was long distance)

 

Did you have sex BEFORE meeting her? 

Yes, I've had multiple sexual partners and have always been open to her that sex is something that I enjoy 

 

Did you still have a physical relationship (holding hands, cuddling, kissing, fondling, arms around each other, etc.) during abstinence? 

Yes, we do all of the above and actually more than when we were having sex 

So, she had sex before you in addition to having sex WITH you for 6 months before she started feeling guilty about the whole sex-before-marriage thing from a religious point of view.  I can tell you, that nothing major had to have happened before she realized her 'new' spirituality.  In other words, she probably didn't have some kind of accident or wake up suddenly one morning and decide that what she was doing was 'wrong' in God's eyes.  But religion is obviously influencing her decision, so when you sit her down (and you WILL sit her down, soon!), you'll be asking her why she made that decision. 

 

As for her fear of experiencing pain during intercourse, that would also be something you would also discuss.  She may be afraid that because she hasn't had sex in a few years that her vagina changed.  Could be something she 'heard' or read. 

 

When you do talk to her, you'll be asking her a lot of 'why?' questions, not out of anger, but in puzzlement. 

"Do you believe that a married couple should have sex for pleasure?  If not, WHY?"

"Why do you think you waited until after we were married before telling me?" 

"Why do you believe that there will be pain associated with sex?"

 

Etc. 

 

What you're trying to do is to get inside her head in order to figure her out and to help HER figure it out. 

 

And no, her reasons aren't "changing".  People often do things because of more than ONE reason, but it's the strength of those reasons that can change. 

 

If she's uncomfortable talking about this with you, you're next step is to gently but firmly suggest counseling for both of you.  If she balks, suggest counseling for herself.  If she STILL balks, tell her that you will be seeking counseling for YOURSELF, because as her husband, you should not expect to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. 

 

Then, follow through.  Please don't have these endless "talks" about this.  State it ONCE during ONE conversation (and let her know this at the beginning of the conversation)

 

I hope my suggestions can help you both. 

 

 

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her reasons aren't "changing". People often do things because of more than ONE reason, but it's the strength of those reasons that can change.

Actually I agree. Based on many, many similar stories I've read of sex stopping six months in, what's happened is she only had sex in the first place for the reasons above. Now, she just doesn't want to, and for her, that's business as usual and she doesn't really feel it needs explaining. But she's telling her husband different things: she's either lying because if she tells the truth she knows it's a dealbreaker, or she doesn't know the underlying reason herself.

 

You're right to focus on a kind of socratic dialogue to get her to think about it though. Hopefully that'll get past her avoidance techniques.

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Withholding important information can be just as bad as lying. Did she tell you the truth as she said that she wanted to wait, because that is a serious deal breaker if you offer some promise which you do not intent to try to keep. Better go for a honest discussion, rather than self punishment, which sounds insane as a solution. What about next time, when he has done something wrong in the eyes of god? Try to solve/work on the problem instead. How does she feel about sex and would she like to have it if the pain wasnt an issue? What about other kinds of intimacy/sex which can be done without the pain? How important is scripture compared to real life? 

 

 

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Treesarepretty

@Jungle00, between me and @Telecaster68, you should know that he has been on here longer, has more experience giving and receiving advice about these relationships, and is much more likely to have useful advice than I am. 

 

If she has had sex with you in the past, she knows whether sex with you will hurt. If she thinks it may hurt, but it didn't in the past then this is definitely an excuse. A physician may help if necessary, but the pain itself is not a "maybe." 

 

My suggestion about non-PIV sex still stands. 

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Jungle00, you've already gotten some good thoughts and supportive input regarding communication, the role of guilt and shame, and counseling. I spent a number of years with a partner who came out as asexual. Trying to figure out what was going on, and whether she was indeed asexual, was not easy. Many therapists still don't understand asexuality or even believe it exists, which can make it even trickier for both partners. Postings on this site were very helpful.

I recently posted on a giveaway I'm doing for a new book: I Fell in Love with an Asexual. It goes into depth on topics like how to tell if your partner is truly asexual, and how guilt and shame can complicate things for both partners. In my case, I had to face many dynamics within myself, which I also talk about. Please take a look and just follow the instructions here if you're interested. If not, no need to respond.

It might not be asexuality at all. David Schnarch (whom I cite several times in my book) names a common relationship dynamic he calls "The Devil's Pact." This is where you make an agreement not to pressure your partner, but then they continue to feel pressured anyway b/c they can sense the slightest agitation suggesting that you want sex. And so the spiral continues, until you get really, really honest with each other.

I wish you the best during a challenging time, and hope you continue to find helpful information, support, and connection.

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