What am I?! EMERGENCY!

[BlueLuva1]

Hello all,

It is very difficult for me to even talk about this subject, but I will try. I, like a lot of people here, am confused about my orientation. Please, bare in mind, I am genophobic (afraid of anything related to sex). I don't even like seeing or typing the word to be honest. So please try to be as vague about details like that as possible. Thank-you!

 

Basically, my problem comes down to two things: 1) My boyfriend thinks I am one way (sexual, but was sexually abused [I was not to my recollection] and/or just not attracted to him [he has self-esteem issues and thinks not wanting to have sex with him is a reflection of how I feel about him]) and 2) I think I am asexual or gray-sexual. So, which one is right?

 

To start off with, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 7 years now, but it's always been a long distance relationship (he is American, I am Canadian). We've seen each other not very frequently, so things seem to go in supersonic speed when we're together (trying to fit everything in at once). So, as you do, you grow closer. We've done some (I can feel my stomach turning just thinking about it all) "sexual" things (not the big thing, but minor things I'm not comfortable with), but I don't really enjoy it. Actually, I try to detach myself during these events so that I can give the illusion I'm enjoying myself and when it's all over, I freak out. I push him away, bawl my eyes out, and tell him to let me go. I hate myself afterwards and just want to retreat from the world. My boyfriend, as I said before, thinks I was sexually abused, so that is why I pull away from him. I, in fact, am a very romantic person and want to feel that emotional connection. Perhaps I do the risqué things with him to get that attention and comfort he gives me when I'm freaking out afterwards. I want him to be happy (sex to him is VERY important, and he thinks that if you love someone, you pretty much have to do that with them), so I sacrifice my feelings for him a lot of the time in those situations.

 

In addition, sometimes I fantasize about him. It never goes beyond kissing or being in the nude together. He thinks that because I fantasize about him that must mean I am sexual. Does it? It never goes into sexual territory though, so how can that be? And doing things to myself in a sexual manner gives me nothing but regret. I apologize for my rambling. I don't know how to express any of this stuff well. It's taking over my life and I need some answers.

 

My boyfriend wants me to see a counselor/therapist so that I can be more comfortable with that kind of stuff. I feel like he's just trying to change me into what he wants me to be. He says he just wants to help me be okay with it. What do I do about that? 

 

So, basically what I'm asking is, what am I? I don't want to have sex with him (or anyone for that matter), yet I still think about him in what some would consider a sexual way. Does that make me sexual or not? And what do I do when he doesn't want to accept me for who I am? How can I convince him, if I am asexual or gray-sexual, that that is who I truly am? I appreciate anyone who reads this and anyone who responds. I just need some sort of answer, and some way to feel like I'm not the Incredible Hulk or Tigger wandering through life all alone. I just want someone to understand how I feel. Thank-you.

 

 

[Livyia]

You know yourself best, and ultimately you are whatever you feel in your heart and your head you are. To me, if you're asking for an opinion, you sound asexual or demisexual. And just because you have a phobia of those things (I don't want to use any words as I don't want to trigger or upset you) does not mean you were sexually abused or need to see a therapist. If you are satisfied with how you are and don't feel like this phobia limits your life, then leave it be. If you decide you want to see a therapist because you believe it would be good for YOU, then go for it. It does sound like your boyfriend needs to back off and understand you're not a broken thing that needs to be fixed. He met you with this way, and it isn't fair of him to try to change you to suit his needs. It sounds to me like the two of you need to have a frank discussion about either meeting each other halfway (sounds like you're already doing that on your side and it isn't good for you emotionally tbh) or, if one or both of you can't do that, then deciding where to go with the relationship from there. Please don't ever hesitate to reach out for support!!! 

[BlueLuva1]

2 minutes ago, Livyia said:

You know yourself best, and ultimately you are whatever you feel in your heart and your head you are. To me, if you're asking for an opinion, you sound asexual or demisexual. And just because you have a phobia of those things (I don't want to use any words as I don't want to trigger or upset you) does not mean you were sexually abused or need to see a therapist. If you are satisfied with how you are and don't feel like this phobia limits your life, then leave it be. If you decide you want to see a therapist because you believe it would be good for YOU, then go for it. It does sound like your boyfriend needs to back off and understand you're not a broken thing that needs to be fixed. He met you with this way, and it isn't fair of him to try to change you to suit his needs. It sounds to me like the two of you need to have a frank discussion about either meeting each other halfway (sounds like you're already doing that on your side and it isn't good for you emotionally tbh) or, if one or both of you can't do that, then deciding where to go with the relationship from there. Please don't ever hesitate to reach out for support!!! 

Thank-you very much for your reply. I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment. I know I am not a sexual being. My boyfriend seems to think I am and am just suppressing it, based on that fact we've done things before and I feel attraction towards him. I just can't seem to convince him this is who I am. He bases this all on what we've done together and the fact I flirted with the idea of doing more. I only did so to make him happy, because I know how important that is to him. I'd like to get married one day, but can't because he wants the typical wedding night. Ugh! This is all just so consuming and exhausting.

[Livyia]

1 minute ago, BlueLuva1 said:

Thank-you very much for your reply. I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment. I know I am not a sexual being. My boyfriend seems to think I am and am just suppressing it, based on that fact we've done things before and I feel attraction towards him. I just can't seem to convince him this is who I am. He bases this all on what we've done together and the fact I flirted with the idea of doing more. I only did so to make him happy, because I know how important that is to him. I'd like to get married one day, but can't because he wants the typical wedding night. Ugh! This is all just so consuming and exhausting.

I understand and I sympathize - you are definitely not alone!!! 

[BlueLuva1]

Just now, Livyia said:

I understand and I sympathize - you are definitely not alone!!! 

It's good to know. Thank-you!

[gisiebob]

would your situation be the same if you remained honest to this person that you care about? if you comunicated how you were feeling as you were feeling these things? I mean I personally fully encourage people to get out of their comfort zones, but you actually have to be present when you step out of where you are comfortable.

 

as for 'what you are' the labels don't define us, you won't be any different after you start calling yourself a copic geosexual (nonsense orientation that I just made up) but I will say some asexuals are sex repulsed; but being sex repulsed doesn't mean you have to be asexual.

[BlueLuva1]

18 hours ago, gisiebob said:

would your situation be the same if you remained honest to this person that you care about? if you comunicated how you were feeling as you were feeling these things? I mean I personally fully encourage people to get out of their comfort zones, but you actually have to be present when you step out of where you are comfortable.

 

as for 'what you are' the labels don't define us, you won't be any different after you start calling yourself a copic geosexual (nonsense orientation that I just made up) but I will say some asexuals are sex repulsed; but being sex repulsed doesn't mean you have to be asexual.

Normally I hate labels. I just think people should be who they are and be accepted as such. Call me a dreamer with her head in the clouds if you will. I just need to find the label for me, because maybe my boyfriend will be able to understand me and why I feel the way I do. He just thinks I'm not attracted to him, cheating or likely to cheat to get sex from someone else, calling myself asexual so I don't have to do stuff with him, suffering from the after effects of sexual abuse (never happened), and a million other things. If I knew what to call myself, maybe I could educate him about it and we could come to some sort of understanding. All I want is to be understood.

[gisiebob]

if you had the right words would you be understood? I hope you can be understood even with the wrong words.

[BlueLuva1]

13 hours ago, gisiebob said:

if you had the right words would you be understood? I hope you can be understood even with the wrong words.

I honestly hope so. I haven't be able to explain with the "wrong words." My boyfriend just thinks that if I did something in the past, that means that is how I always have been and always will be. He sees me as a sexual person because we've done things that fit in that category. I've had desires, sexual attraction to him, but I've never wanted to do the deed itself. I would much rather have what comes after: cuddling, comfort, love, closeness.

[Mychemicalqpr]

From what I can tell by what you've written, you don't really sound sexual. Fantasies that do not involve sexual activities aren't sexual fantasies, and even having sexual fantasies doesn't necessarily indicate a desire to act them out in real life. (Look up autochorrisexuality if you're interested in that.) 

 

If pushing yourself to try to please your partner is making you that upset, it isn't healthy for you; on the contrary, it could be psychologically damaging. You are always in the right to tell someone to stop, and if a partner doesn't listen or shames you for it, they are violating consent, which is an abusive behavior. Please take care of yourself and don't push your limits too far. 

 

I actually used to feel kind of like you do--being so badly repulsed I could barely stand to type the word. People thought I was abused even though I wasn't (not like that anyway). It could possibly have something to do with the perceptions you were raised in. Maybe someone taught you that sex is impure or scary or something else. This is something that I know can be worked through from personal experience, though it may be a slow and steady process. You might be able to accomplish that with therapy. The goal, though, should be to make you a happier, less triggered individual, not to make you a "normal" sexual, which may or may not happen. 

 

I know it's sad to think about, but I would recommend accepting and being prepared for the possibility that the relationship may or may not work out. If sex is important to him and tied in such a harmful way to his self esteem (is HE getting therapy?) you might not be able to work out something healthy for both of you. 

 

 

[Stheg]

If you're asking for opinions, I think you're somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

 

On the subject of counseling, it might be helpful for you, but it could also be him trying to make you into what he wants. He might need counseling too. Only you can determine which is true in your situation. I've significantly improved some of my own serious issues with sex, but I'm not going to suddenly become sexual and I probably won't ever be completely okay with sex. 

 

If he isn't willing to accept you for yourself, you might need to accept that this relationship might not work out. That said, he might need time to accept you for who you are, particularly if he isn't familiar with asexuality.

 

If trying to please your boyfriend is so distressing, maybe you should stop or reduce those efforts. Even if he's your boyfriend, you still have the right to say no or suggest an alternative activity that you do feel comfortable with. You don't have to do something you feel uncomfortable with just because your boyfriend expects sex as part of your relationship. If he doesn't respect that, it's abusive behavior.

[LeChat]

Hello!

 

On what Livyia said: The decision to enter therapy is supposed to be your own decision, based your own desire to help change your life, not something that a partner chooses, wants, or demands from you.