Finally, A Book for Sexual Partners of Asexuals: Limited Early Free Copies

[naturerhythms]

I was devastated when a long-term partner came out as asexual. I brought a lot of baggage, guilt, shame, and insecurity into my next relationship. A number of years later, I’m still healing.

 

Without some of the existing resources on asexuality, we would have been in therapy even longer, with the therapist (and me) trying to figure out what was “wrong” with my partner. And of course, wondering what was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong? I loved (and still love) my partner very much. But it was deeply frustrating for both of us.

 

Outside of this site and group, I found very little geared toward the sexual partner, or written by sexual people. The closest thing I could find were a few books written by heterosexual women whose husbands had come out as gay. Because asexuality is still largely the “invisible orientation,” sexual partners are just as invisible—perhaps even more so.

 

It broke my heart to see all the people on this site voicing similar pain and frustration.

 

I started writing mainly to make sense of all the pain. Then I realized that I had an uncommon perspective. Alongside my firsthand struggles, I had training in psychology, counseling, and sexuality. I discovered interesting communities in the realms of polysensuality and polysexuality. So over several years, I channeled much of my energy into creating the most comprehensive resource possible.

 

It’s called I Fell in Love with an Asexual. It candidly addresses topics including internalized sexual guilt and shame, porn use, masturbation, special challenges for asexual-sexual couples attempting open relationships, sexual mind games we play like the "task teeter-totter," managing sex-related grief, and a lot more.

 

I’m giving away a small number of copies. In return, if you find the book worthy of your recommendation, I’m asking for short, optional reviews.

 

Please see this page for more information. Many thanks! http://www.davewheitner.com/book-giveaway-fell-love-asexual/

 

 

[wishing]

I just found this book a few weeks ago on Amazon, and I'm about halfway through it. It's interesting to see the author here!

 

You're right, there are almost no resources about this. Yours was the only book I really found. A few years ago I even read a book about "why men go off sex" and it never mentioned asexuality as a possibility!! I've been on dead bedroom sites for more than ten years and it rarely comes up!

 

It's funny to me now - I even called Dr Laura once, about 15 years ago. I didn't listen to her usually, but I randomly came across her radio show when she was talking about men in sexless marriages. I called right in. I said, "I'm a wife, and my husband doesn't want sex. I don't know what to do." She didn't put me on the air, but her assistant came back with this answer: "this is not a thing, men not wanting sex. If his testosterone levels are normal, then there's something wrong with you or the marriage". His levels were normal - and me thinking it really was all my fault (he was happy enough to encourage this thinking) made me a real mess psychologically.

[Telecaster68]

In her defence, it was 15 years ago... 

[naturerhythms]

@wishing, I'm excited to hear you've been taking a look at it! I hope you find useful information that helps you to enjoy meaningful and mutually satisfying connections.

 

That's unfortunate that you had to go for that long, thinking that something was wrong with you. While awareness has increased some over the last 15 years, and she'd hopefully have a different response today (as Telecaster68 implies), I shudder to think of the number of cases where couples are still led to believe that one or both partners must have something "wrong" with them, must be doing something wrong, etc.--without exploring the possibility of different orientations. As you've probably read, I can relate to some of what you're saying.

[coolandcute]

Interesting discussion.  I am trying to understand sexuals better so a book like yours might be a helpful resource.  We asexuals often complain that sexuals don't understand us but after some unpleasant experiences dealing with sexuals, mainly online, I have come to the conclusion that asexuals don't understand sexuals, either.  There definitely needs to be more understanding from both sides to the extent that it is possible.  

[naturerhythms]

Important update: Thursday October 12 and Friday October 13, the Kindle ebook version of I Fell in Love with an Asexual will be available for free on Amazon.

[coolandcute]

I should download that, although my memoir would read more like "I Fell in Love with a Sexual" and how things went downhill from there and left me devastated for a while even if it was online and the other person turned out to be a total liar.   It was real to me and the closest thing to a romantic relationship I ever had.  

[naturerhythms]

@coolandcute, I hear what you're saying, and I certainly have my lapses in understanding. I appreciate your transparency and curiosity. Perhaps the offer update I mentioned above will serve you. I was just getting ready to post it when I saw your post--great serendipity! I'll be curious to hear if it is helpful. While some elements of the book's narrative are blended with another person's, I don't sugarcoat the misunderstandings of which I've been guilty through my ongoing journey. And I'm quite open about many of the emotional aspects of the experience, including many I wasn't proud of.

[naturerhythms]

@coolandcute re: your post about your relationship, I'm very sorry to hear about that. I hope that you are able to find the love you want and deserve, and that you get more honesty next time around.

[coolandcute]

I feel that asexuals shouldn't hold it against sexuals for how they feel and similarly, sexuals shouldn't hold it against asexuals for how they don't feel.  

[coolandcute]

5 minutes ago, naturerhythms said:

@coolandcute re: your post about your relationship, I'm very sorry to hear about that. I hope that you are able to find the love you want and deserve, and that you get more honesty next time around.

Thanks.  That's why I came back on asexual sites, although after some time I remembered how unavailable many asexual guys seem.  I am not 100% against some sort of  physical intimacy but having never been in a real life relationship, I am not sure how things would play out.  This means that I am still in a gray area relationship-wise.