I think I might be on the Gray-A spectrum but I'm not sure?

[Marie-is-here]

Today I came across an article about demisexuality that really spoke to me and I've been reading up on sexuality, asexuality and everything in between. I need to talk to someone about this and I don't know how. I don't know how to talk to my friends or family about it without saying too much. I feel so alone.

 

I am a 22 year-old virgin. I have never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Sometimes I think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I have gone on exactly one date in my entire life, and I was eighteen at the time. I went mostly because I wanted to have sex. I felt like a freak who was missing out on such a big part of the human experience. I was lonely. I wanted someone I could kiss or cuddle with. Someone I could talk to and feel close to.  I wasn’t particularly attracted to the guy, but I was never really attracted to anyone. I figured I had to start somewhere, so I went out with him and hoped the feelings would make themselves known. We went to the movies and I was frankly annoyed at how he would keep rubbing my arm up and down. I think he was trying to “entice me”? I just turned by head a few times to kiss him, just so he would stop. It was a really good movie and he was bugging me. At one point, I leaned my chin on my hand so he would stop trying to kiss me. He kept trying to go out again, but I completely ghosted him. I just didn’t understand why I didn’t feel anything. We kissed and I wasn’t excited or repulsed. I just didn’t feel anything but the press of foreign lips on mine.

As much as I want to have sex, I’m not really all that interested in the sex itself. Frankly, the idea of being excited by someone’s naked body just seems weird. It’s so easy to dismiss that impression based on the fact that I am a virgin. I remember feeling completely lost when a friend talked to me about how she was looking forward to having sex with her long-distance boyfriend when he was coming to visit. She asked me if I’d ever had a boyfriend and when I said, “no”, she said, “you’ll see. You just don’t know.” Family members ask me every year if I have a boyfriend back home. I always say no. But at 22, they now I ask me if I have EVER had a boyfriend. I still say no, because I am determined to not feel shame for who I am. I am a virgin, there is nothing wrong with that. But then my 50 year-old aunt tells me about how she might be single now, and happy that way, but that’s because she had plenty of sex in her life. It’s hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me.

I’ve been wondering about my sexuality for a while now. There have been many awareness campans for LGBT and others. I’d never wondered if I was attracted to anything but men before. But I thought that might have been because heterosexuality is pretty much the go-to sexual orientation. Like, society and upbringing means that you are straight until proven otherwise. No one has to “come out” as straight. Over time, I got the idea that maybe I was a lesbian in denial. Maybe I hadn't LET myself look at women in a sexual way. However, when I thought more about it, I realised that I could I look at a woman and have that initial thought of "Her butt looks great in those jeans", just like I could look at a guy and think "Nice abs". But I wasn’t any more interested in sex than before. Similarly, the thought of an enticing naked body was completely foreign. Even when I masturbate, I can't fantasize about another person. I have to picture some faceless lover and concentrate on physical sensation.

I’m not incapable of sexual attraction, though that feeling is fleeting. Soon after that brief period where I’m attracted to someone, the feeling would…go away and we would become friends instead. I used to think that I dismissed that initial feeling of attraction out of shyness, because I couldn’t function around someone I was attracted to, but now I don’t think it was intentional at all. I think the attraction would fade quickly and I would explain it away to myself.

I have had several friends over the years that I grew attracted to. A childhood crush on my male best friend when I was 11. Another on a boy who sat next to me in class when I was 12. (When I was sixteen, I found out both boys had come out as gay and bisexual, respectively. At this point, I thought I might have sensed it somehow and been attracted to unavailable men.) Another guy, I met while traveling. I thought he was good-looking, but the feeling faded so we bonded over Doctor Who and Supernatural. Then he hugged me goodbye when he went back to his country and I felt kind of warm and wobbly inside. Another was a girl I also met at around the same time. We met in class and became fast friends. Then I realized she was really hot. Awkward. She has no idea and we are still close friends, though we don’t see each other often since she lives far away. There is this other girl I worked with. We are really close friends and I get that same warm/wobbly feeling when we hug. Sometimes I think maybe what I feel when I hug certain people is only because I’m lonely. But I don’t get the same feeling when I hug my family or other friends.

At this point, I feel too inexperienced to make a move. And since the feelings of attraction have been so infrequent and inconvenient, I have a hard time trusting my feelings. But I am so lonely. I am uncertain about so many things. Given how little sexual experience I have, how do I know that what I think of as "sexual attraction" aren't just romantic feelings? I want to have sex, but how much of it is actually intellectual curiosity? How much of it is because I feel like it's a important part of forming a romantic bond with someone? Because even the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't all that interesting to me. It feels like a big investissement of my time given that I'm afraid that any initial feeling of attraction might fade quickly and then I can already see myself trying in vain to rekindle that feeling.

 

 

[roland.o]

Hello Marie-is-here, welcome to the AVEN forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Have some cake in return  :-)

 

We don't give out labels around here. It's for you to choose how you want to describe yourself. But from what you write, it is pretty clear that you are indeed somewhere on the spectrum. (And thanks for calling it the Gray-A spectrum, that avoids some terminology discussions.)

 

I'm 47 and spent most of my life wondering whether I'll ever find someone to experience the supposed pleasure of sex with. One thing I'm sure of is that for me, it can't just be anyone. What you describe about your first date feels so alien to me... and apparently, it felt alien to you too. Another thing I'm sure of is: when my thoughts are obsessed with sex, I'm unable to connect with people. I'm overthinking everything, like "might she be the one?", and start to act irrationally. I lock up emotionally. The more important the question becomes, the more I freeze up. A vicious cycle.

 

There's a wide span of attractions, from platonic and intellectual to romantic, sensual, and sexual. http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

And there's a wide span of activities you can do with someone, if both of you are in the mood. Going to a movie, having a discussion, flirting, cuddling, and so on. I'm intentionally leaving intercourse out of this list. Here's my advice:

 

Since you're curious about sex, get information about it. Read, watch, fantasize, experiment with yourself. But don't let this become an obsession when you're with people. Keep it at home. When you fancy someone, don't think "is this the one I'm going to have sex with?" "will this person save me from loneliness?" or some other fundamental questions. Don't go looking for someone to have sex with. If you are demisexual, you'll need a bond first. The sex would come much further down the road. Don't go looking for some kind of savior either. Don't go looking for the one you can spend the rest of your life with. It's likely that you will put too much pressure on any possible relationship, and this will let you freeze. Unable to "make a move", as you wrote.

 

Instead, try to enjoy what you can get from people. Have discussions, go to movies, talk about your hobbies, spend time with eachother. Relate. And if you fancy someone, start with the small things. If you want to hold hands, suggest to hold hands. If you want to cuddle, then suggest to cuddle. Don't consider it a foreplay. You might have to point out that you don't consider it a foreplay. Just cuddle. If you get a No to that, it's not like you lost a life-long relationship. But if you get a Yes, you can enjoy that feeling, and ponder later whether it was romantic, sensual, or bordering on sexual. Whether you'd like to repeat it. Or go a bit further next time. Small steps.

 

Hm. I'm not sure if I get across what I'm trying to tell. I'm not even sure whether I'm still trying to give advice for your situation, or whether I'm just reminiscing how I might have lived my life differently :-) Anyway, maybe it'll give you some useful ideas. I sure hope so. Good luck!