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Am I ace if I am "broken" ?


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Warning 

 

First post

Rape triggers

Tmi

Sexy talk

 

But I gotta ask... 

 

 

 

Am I an ace? 

 

I was molested by my grandpa went I was 5 till 8. (we lived with them) 

I don't fully remember it, and it hasn't affected my life that I can see.  

but growing up I only wanted friends. I only got a boyfriend in highschool  because we were already friends and it was socialy expected .

We never did anything but because of long distance (he moved) 

My next boy moved in much quicker. Again I went along because I thought it was expected.  At first it was interesting but like after the 3rd time I was borderline and avoiding him(as well as non sexual reasons)

 

After I ghosted him and got some self-esteem help I found out about asexuals and slot of things clicked

I never swooned over guys 

I never can tell if I'm flirting 

Sex jokes are WAY over my head

 

I can orgasm alone but people are increasingly turning me off 

I have a very good imagination 

so am I just playing up sex like in books is it that good ?

 

I'm "broken" so is that all this is or am I ace? 

 

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You're not broken, you are still very whole. Your traumatic experiences do not define you. You may very well be ace. I would advise you to not worry about if anything "caused" your asexuality. Your experiences don't invalidate your being asexual.

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Yes of course you are still ace and don't let anyone tell you other wise. Just because there's a quote "reason" why you are ace doesn't make you feel sexual attraction. If it describes you, you can use the label.

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6 hours ago, TheAP said:

Your traumatic experiences do not define you. You may very well be ace.

I totally agree with that. You may very well be ace. Or you may be not. It's up to you to decide whether that label fits, because only you know how exactly you feel. The possible problem I see in your case is that traumatic experiences might suppress some feelings. But labels can be changed, so that's not really a problem. Just be open to the possibility.

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Nobody can tell you what you are. Nobody knows you better than you, and nobody has the right to confirm or deny.

Sexuality can be hard to define, even for oneself.

 

I identify as asexual because I've never had an inherent interest in or need for sex. If I wasn't told about sex, I would be oblivious.

 

Whatever brings you comfort and makes most sense for you is what you are welcome to identify as. Asexual is what makes most sense to me, since nothing else does.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I don't think anyone is broken because they're ace...in fact I only became properly whole when I realised who I was when it dawned on me rather slowly over a number of years.

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The difference between being ace and not wanting sex and just not wanting sex is hard to see. That is just how you are. Question is, if you want that to change? 

Some aces find a way to have sex and enjoy it with a partner who enjoys it. Some 'victims' find a way to have sex, and separate the bad connotations to old experiences. Both takes work and time and rigth circumstances.

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everywhere and nowhere

Labels are a strange thing... on the one hand I'm not a fan of labels, I have repeatedly said that, in a sense, there is no such thing as "asexuality", there are only diverse experiences of people who consider this label uselful for describing these experiences. But on the other hand it is a wise thing to say: not needing labels is a privilege. If you are part of a minority, you're probably going to need a label to define yourself, to loudly say: "I am!". And this can be in fact empowering.

As others said: even if a person can pinpoint a factor that might have "caused" their asexuality, it still doesn't invalidate this identity. It's still up to them to decide how to define themselves and nobody can take that right away from them. So perhaps suggestions are not a good thing because they interfere with the freedom of this process of self-definition. But if I may express my opinion: labeling oneself as asexual can be empowering also because it can help a person let go of the feeling of blame. Someone could say: "I was not 'broken' by a person (who abused me), or by fate (which made me physically unattractive, or mentally disabled, or whatever), or by any other factor - I am simply asexual and by forcing myself to change it I would be acting against my nature". A person may have been or not have been born asexual, but the act of self-definition is always a choice and this ability to choose is empowering.

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