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subconscious_wreck

Sex but like...in theory?

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subconscious_wreck

TL;DR: does my curiosity for sex (or thoughts of it) invalidate my possible ace identity? is the attraction to the idea of sex still sexual attraction? where do i even fit on the spectrum then? just a word vomity post of my confusion.

 

i've always just felt like sex was sorta boring? i found myself more concerned with the mechanics of it all i guess. during these encounters my focus was "does that feel good" "would they like this", my sexual partners had this look in their eyes that told me they were feeling and thinking something wayyy different than me.  i wasnt really as engaged as they were in the act. naturally, my body would react (i'd get wet or my nipples would get hard if stimulated) but i still felt like something was wrong with me because i didnt necessarily feel this big need to go passed making out. I'd be just fine right there. so more and more of my sexual relationships began to be geared around my finishing off the other person while not letting myself be touched. simply because i had no interest in that because whenever it would happen i really couldnt feel anything. like i said, my body would react, but i wouldn't. when i expressed my feeling nothing to my friends they mentioned my needing to be with the right person first but then asked if i had ever had an orgasm before, which i hadnt. so they suggested i masturbate and figure out my body first. they assured me i wasnt broken but if i didnt know my body how was i supposed to teach my partner what i liked? I tried that. i finished. so everything worked just fine. but when i would bring a partner into the equation i still wasnt too up for being touched, however, i didnt mind pleasing them. back when i identified as a lesbian friends would just poke fun and say i just wasnt a "pillow princess" (somebody who simply gets pleased and hardly does the pleasing) i was the pleaser in all the equations. i would get aroused but when i would get touched i just wouldnt feel much of the excitement as others. i used to masturbate a lot to alleviate stress and make sure everything was still working. now thinking about sex does arouse me sometimes i guess but im not really interested in actually having sex much. 

 

so i guess i find myself attracted to the idea of sex but when it comes down to it and im there, its like im not really there? if that makes any sense at all. i dont mind sex but for all the hype that people tend to give it i dont feel what they feel. is the attraction to the idea of sex the same as sexual attraction if there isnt a need to actually have sex? i think about sex in theory a lot but if it would actually happen, i wouldnt be too engaged. 

from what ive read from others, i feel like i fall somewhere in the grey ace area.

 

sorry if this was all over the place. 

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banoffeepie

 

Hi and Welcome :cake:

No, in answer to your original question I"d say there are a lot of grey aces who'd relate exactly to what you've described. you've already done some research it seems before opening up here, but you'll find lots of people like you in the posts with the same sentiments. I'd say embrace it, you're in the right place, just a bit more sexually active than some people here.

I was repeatedly drawn to people for sex .. in theory  but couldn't ever enjoy the biologically gross reality of it. The fantasy was way better than the gritty reality and was a total turn-off. Gradually I've become actively averse to sex, including thoughts about it and consider myself heteromantic asexual now.

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breezey
2 hours ago, subconscious_wreck said:

TL;DR: does my curiosity for sex (or thoughts of it) invalidate my possible ace identity? is the attraction to the idea of sex still sexual attraction? where do i even fit on the spectrum then? just a word vomity post of my confusion.

 

i've always just felt like sex was sorta boring? i found myself more concerned with the mechanics of it all i guess. during these encounters my focus was "does that feel good" "would they like this", my sexual partners had this look in their eyes that told me they were feeling and thinking something wayyy different than me.  i wasnt really as engaged as they were in the act. naturally, my body would react (i'd get wet or my nipples would get hard if stimulated) but i still felt like something was wrong with me because i didnt necessarily feel this big need to go passed making out. I'd be just fine right there. so more and more of my sexual relationships began to be geared around my finishing off the other person while not letting myself be touched. simply because i had no interest in that because whenever it would happen i really couldnt feel anything. like i said, my body would react, but i wouldn't. when i expressed my feeling nothing to my friends they mentioned my needing to be with the right person first but then asked if i had ever had an orgasm before, which i hadnt. so they suggested i masturbate and figure out my body first. they assured me i wasnt broken but if i didnt know my body how was i supposed to teach my partner what i liked? I tried that. i finished. so everything worked just fine. but when i would bring a partner into the equation i still wasnt too up for being touched, however, i didnt mind pleasing them. back when i identified as a lesbian friends would just poke fun and say i just wasnt a "pillow princess" (somebody who simply gets pleased and hardly does the pleasing) i was the pleaser in all the equations. i would get aroused but when i would get touched i just wouldnt feel much of the excitement as others. i used to masturbate a lot to alleviate stress and make sure everything was still working. now thinking about sex does arouse me sometimes i guess but im not really interested in actually having sex much. 

 

so i guess i find myself attracted to the idea of sex but when it comes down to it and im there, its like im not really there? if that makes any sense at all. i dont mind sex but for all the hype that people tend to give it i dont feel what they feel. is the attraction to the idea of sex the same as sexual attraction if there isnt a need to actually have sex? i think about sex in theory a lot but if it would actually happen, i wouldnt be too engaged. 

from what ive read from others, i feel like i fall somewhere in the grey ace area.

 

sorry if this was all over the place. 

^^yikes i dont know how to crop that

 

So it sounds in part that you would rather please your parnter than your partner you or a mutal pleasure, if that makes sense. In another way you seem to say you idealise sex but when the time comes you don't dislike it, but don't like it. I suggest placiosexual or lithsexual if you aren't afraid of MOGAI identities. Both fall on the asexual spectrum.

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roland.o
11 hours ago, breezey said:

^^yikes i dont know how to crop that

Option 1: Highlight the parts of a post that you want to respond to, then a "Quote this" bubble pops up.

Option 2: When you've quoted too much, put the cursor inside the quoted area and delete stuff.

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Nowhere Girl
4 hours ago, roland.o said:

Option 1: Highlight the parts of a post that you want to respond to, then a "Quote this" bubble pops up.

Option 2: When you've quoted too much, put the cursor inside the quoted area and delete stuff.

By the way: and how do I post something addressed to a specific person, with their username highlighted in purple, but without quotes? Recently I wanted to do it, but didn't know how.

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Lovelykat

Oh I relate to this a lot...I fantasize about sex every day truthfully, sometimes the fantasies even involve me now that things are going better with my boyfriend...but in real life 90% of the time sex is boring and not worth it to me. Sometimes I feel like I have a very sexual mind trapped in an asexual's body! 

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roland.o
5 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

how do I post something addressed to a specific person, with their username highlighted in purple

That's called "mentioning". You type @ and then the username. There's a popup for searching/selecting. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for me because I'm using HTTPSEverywhere :-) All I see is the empty popup with a spinner in it.

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Sera1001
On 9/17/2017 at 4:47 PM, Lovelykat said:

Sometimes I feel like I have a very sexual mind trapped in an asexual's body! 

Ha ha ha! That's so me XD i think i do have sexual fantasies almost everyday

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:)(:

🍰

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