My Aro story of self discovery

[Guest]

I am going to tell this one story because it is a thread that has pulled me through my life and when I figured out I am somewhere on this Ace spectrum, it resonates so fully in my heart that I want to share it.

 

The key revelation revolves around a man I have been in love with since I was 17 (33 years!). I will call him LOML (love of my life). We never had sex, and I was obsessed with him for years, even after we lost touch. We had a strange connection as teenagers, and had a couple of bizarre paranormal experiences together (i.e. mental/energetic connections). At 18, I moved away from where we grew up, and for about 3 years we sort of kept in touch (back in the 1980s that was pretty difficult). I got a wonderful love letter from him (I still have it) and although we saw each other a couple of times when I went home to visit the parents, we still never had sex. I continued to have this amazingly powerful attraction to him, beyond anything I had ever had before or since.

 

At various times over the years, I tried to find this man on social media with no success. About 11 years ago, while visiting my parents again, I created a blog and wrote one post about my hatred of where I grew up. At the bottom of the post I put a shout out for my friend asking where in the world he was. I used his full name, which is unique.

 

Fast forward another 8 years and I moved to Sweden because I was in love with a Swede. And I was. Then. I started a blog about my life here, my adjustment to being in a foreign country, and I imported the 2 blog posts from this other blog (to this day I don't know why I did that). Life progressed. Swede and I were doing well enough, and he proposed to me (another story that started with me answering his proposal with "are you joking"...). Life was fine, but something was niggling at the back of my psyche. 

 

One day I got a Twitter message from LOML. He was married, just had a baby boy, and had for some reason searched Google for his full name and came across my blog. He reached out and we reconnected. I was obsessed again. I started a secret blog because Swede and I were not doing well, and the existence of LOML threw me into chaos. I did some great writing there, it was freeing to be able to express so many things that I could not on my parallel blog about life in Sweden. I was on a creative roll, and it helped me sort through all my feelings.

 

I went back for my mother's 80th birthday and saw LOML for the first time in 28 years. The unbearable physical/mental attraction to him was still there and of course we never crossed any lines. Lives a million kilometres apart, physically and logistically. I returned to Sweden, broke off my engagement because I knew I could not live a lie with Swede, nor would I ever be with LOML. 

 

Not long after I became single again, LOML started on a heart-aching hell ride put upon him by his wife that resulted in him being separated from his beloved son. I was in a position to be able to help (my parents' house was empty), so LOML moved in to look after it and had a safe place to go. We were embroiled in each other's lives for 2 years, and now he is on another path and we have lost touch again.

 

This story has many twists and turns after that fateful reconnection, LOML journey back to his son is not complete, and I continue to be single and questioning. But the thing that now brings me comfort more than anything, is that my feelings for LOML are genuine. As much as that may sound strange to some, what I mean is that I always just thought my love was, IDK, less valid? I know LOML and I would be terrible, awful, together in real life, and I have no illusions of us being together like that. But he is more than a friend, never a lover or partner, but someone so engrained in my inner being that I know our story is not over.

 

For me that is enough. I am grateful to be able to think about my life with perspective and embrace that all love, whether it involves sex or not, attraction or not, is valid. 

 

Thanks for reading.

[Tyke]

10 hours ago, Caphyra said:

and we have lost touch again.

what? How could this happen in the age of electronic communication?

 

I'm so pleased that you have come to realise that your feelings for LOML are as great as any that any sexual person can feel for the love of their lives. It must feel very liberating

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

what? How could this happen in the age of electronic communication?

 

I'm so pleased that you have come to realise that your feelings for LOML are as great as any that any sexual person can feel for the love of their lives. It must feel very liberating

LOML is paranoid, careful, about social media. He has my contact details so one day I shall hear from him again. 

 

And thank you. Yes, it is surprisingly liberating. 

[Tyke]

9 minutes ago, Caphyra said:

LOML is paranoid, careful, about social media. He has my contact details

but you don't have his? That does sound paranoid.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Midland Tyke said:

but you don't have his? That does sound paranoid.

I do, email, and I know how to contact his father  It is not important right now.

[Guest]

@Midland Tyke I thought you might find it interesting...I heard from LOML today. It happens every time I write something about him out in the ether; he gets in touch soon after. I tell you, weird connections  and no, he does not read AVEN. 

[Tyke]

33 minutes ago, Caphyra said:

and no, he does not read AVEN. 

are you sure ?!?

 

but spooky, I agree.

 

I hope the content was good.