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Coming to terms


Invisiblyme

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I feel like I'm asexual, but I don't want to be. I've never really identified as someone who's very sexual at all but I still thought sex would be a part of my life. When my husband and I were dating we had a good amount of sex and I always enjoyed it. I still enjoy it now, a year and a half into our marriage. But I never find myself wanting to initiate and I often find that I don't want it when he tries to initiate. But I have a hard time with this because in my mind I want to be having more sex with my husband, but my body just doesn't ever seem to want it. We've tried doing different things, watching videos, but nothing. I feel like I'm letting my husband down by not being more sexual, but he always says that it's no big deal. I trust what he says, but I feel like he deserves to be satisfied, and that I'm not satisfying him. 

I have a hard time coming to terms with this internal divide between my body and my mind. I don't know what to do or how to cope with what I'm feeling. Right now, it feels like I'll never truly come to terms with being asexual, even though I feel like the term describes me. I feel lost. 

 

Has anyone else felt this way? Is it possible this is a medical problem? 

 

Thanks

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Just now, sg06 said:

Hello.

 

It might depend on your age. If you're of menopausal age, that does decrease a person's sex drive.

 

http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/sex-menopause#1

Hi, thanks for replying. 

Just want to clear up that I'm 20. I feel like people my age should feel sexual but I think that's because I don't totally feel comfortable with being asexual. 

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I'm only nineteen, and I have very little experience in relationships considering I realized I was ace pretty early on.  However, I have definitely wondered if my asexuality was related to a medical issue.  My immediate thought was that I don't produce enough testosterone (also supporting this idea is that I don't produce any underarm hair).  When I asked my doctor two months ago, she had me tested for thyroid abnormalities.  As it turns out, hypothyroidism can result in decreased libido.  I don't know much more than my results showed a few abnormalities, but I will be seeing an endocrinologist next month.  I'm not trying to diagnose you or anyone else, and I hope that this won't get my post taken down, but if you feel it would help emotionally, you can always ask your doctor to test testosterone or thyroid levels.

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If it helps, this sex therapist says that it's normal for couples to have differing sexual desires for one another, at different times, and gives advice on what to do.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-matters/201704/negotiate-sexual-differences-part-1-what-we-do

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-matters/201704/negotiate-sexual-differences-part-2-how-often-we-do-it

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21 hours ago, sg06 said:

If it helps, this sex therapist says that it's normal for couples to have differing sexual desires for one another, at different times, and gives advice on what to do.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-matters/201704/negotiate-sexual-differences-part-1-what-we-do

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-matters/201704/negotiate-sexual-differences-part-2-how-often-we-do-it

Hi, thanks for replying. 

While this did help, it didn't exactly address what I'm asking. I very rarely ever want to have sex. It's not like it fluctuates very much at all. I don't think how is related to how desirable I find my husband because I still find him attractive, I just don't seem to ever want to initiate anything. 

I think I'm really just looking to see if anyone else has had this kind mind-body divide. Just want to know I'm not alone and how I can deal with this. 

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Hello and welcome to these forums, Invisiblyme! Have some cake :cake: :-)

 

From your initial post, I get the feeling that you're putting pressure on yourself. That might have the opposite effect and actually kill your mood.

 

Have you heard of "responsive sexual desire"? That could explain why you never initiate. Especially when your sex drive is low.

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/
 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're not asexual. You might be. But since you've had and enjoyed sex in the past, I recommend that you look for other explanations first. Maybe your husband is coming on to you the wrong way when he initiates? Maybe you need some other buttons to be pushed nowadays? To take off the pressure, how do you feel about cuddling or making out without going all the way? Is that something you might want to initiate? There are plenty of alternatives to PiV sex, too. If you're running out of ideas, a couples or sex therapy could be beneficial.

 

Either way, you're welcome here. I hope you get a lot of helpful answers and suggestions!

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I am, like @roland.o , also thinking asexual with responsive sexual desire. My experience is that trying to push the "turn on" before the sex is like making a stupid foreplay move. It just doesnt do any good. Perhaps better to state, "i would like sex soon, could you see that happening and it is ok with a rain check if today is a bad day ?" You could say, "tonight I would like to give you some sex". But the idea of building up the mood migth not work as intended.

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