What even is sexual attraction?

[Zackaroni72]

Hi I'm pretty new here and I'm hoping to get some help on some of my confusion,

I'm working through where I fall on this spectrum but I'm still very anxious if I'm correct in my conclusion that I am asexual at all. I know the criteria here is if I feel sexual attraction. But I don't exactly know what that is like objectively. I'm fairly certain I don't but I'm looking to get some help.

Can anybody fill me in on what this kind of attraction is supposed to feel like, or at least some way I can know whether or not this is something I experience? 

-Zack

[Pramana]

Welcome to the website!

To address your question, sexual attraction is a form of interpersonal attraction that results in the development of sexual desires for another individual. Sometimes sexual attraction is more immediate and based on visually apparent qualities, such as a person's gender, age, physical appearance, or social status and social presentation. Other times sexual attraction develops from a romantic or other close personal connection, and is based more on that individual's personality and emotional connections. Unfortunately, it is hard to explain exactly what sexual attraction feels like, since the experience varies greatly from person to person. If you're interested in more in-depth information, here's a link to a thread where I summarize the findings of a journal article on that topic:
 

 

[CirrusClouds]

Welcome to AVEN. Here is your complementary cake

 

 

As to sexual attraction I will link to something from an FAQ thread

 

Quote

Sexual attraction - Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you'd like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such. It's attraction to another person that at it's end wants to be physically intimate, as opposed to being attracted to someone in a way where you think, "I'd like to get to know them" or "I want to be their best friend" or "I want to be close to that person".

Sexual desire - The desire to actually follow through with sexual attraction. I don't consider physiological reactions to be part of sexual desire, really, because in my case I know my body responds to sexual stimulus, the difference is that my mind isn't interested. So sexual desire is another mental thing, wanting actively to perform sexual acts with another person and believing that if you do you will feel gratified.

 

 

You may also find these links useful.

 

 

[LeChat]

There's candy inside that cake!? Wow. I don't think I've ever seen that, before! It looks delicious!

 

If you need a more simpler explanation, on the third post down in this link, FictoVore seemed to break it down into an easy-to-understand format. 

 

[Member4445]

I can smell the impending definition debate.

 

Welcome to the forums though. 

 

*ducks for cover*

[CirrusClouds]

@sg06 it's amazing what you can find on pinterest

[Guest]

Maybe an answer from a sexual person (who used to identify as asexual) could help clarify this! Though this will be pretty long haha I apologize in advance  

 

sg06 linked an old comment of mine from around 2014, and back then I was trying to work everything out myself!! At the time, I wasn't sure if what I felt for the person I loved (who was fully asexual) was sexual attraction or sexual desire or just plain old love or what the heck ever, haha. I was pretty sure I had a good understanding of what was going on, but since then I have had two sexual relationships and have stopped identifying as asexual.

 

I know now after a lot of experimentation and also talking to many sexuals here (and off AVEN as well) that sexual attraction is actually experienced quite differently from person to person, so it's really, really hard to pin down one specific definition of it (I had assumed the way I used to define it in 2014 was pretty uniform from person to person, but know now after having been on AVEN for a lot longer that it certainly isn't always that straight forward!).

 

AVEN, in the general FAQ, defines sexual attraction AS the desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else, and while some disagree that this is sexual attraction (because sexuals say they can experience sexual attraction WITHOUT desiring partnered sex and vice versa) others say that sexual attraction is the desire for partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure and whoever the person is that you choose to have sex with (depending on your own unique criteria) THAT'S when the sexual attraction is happening: it's that 'choice' of who you have sex with (to experience sexual pleasure) based on whatever your unique set of requirements is.

 

However, there is an all to common misunderstanding in the entire asexual community that 'sexual attraction' is the experience of finding someone attractive, having a sexual reaction to their appearance, and wanting to have sex with them based on that attraction. This is how sexual attraction manifests for some sexuals, but certainly not for all, so it is not an adequate criteria in any way for working out if you are asexual or not.

 

What's really important here is whether or not you desire to connect sexually with others for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. It's not about libido, masturbation, or your ability to find other people attractive to look at, or your ability to desire romance and cuddles etc, but whether or not you actively desire to have sexual intimacy (partnered genital stimulation) with certain other people so that you can experience pleasure. This is the one thing that all sexual people have in common, regardless of how they personally define sexual attraction, and the one thing that asexual people completely lack, no matter how attractive they can find other people (or how often they masturbate or whatever.) So, the way AVEN defines sexual attraction is the most accurate interpretation of what makes someone asexual, even if it's not necessarily exactly how every different person experiences sexual attraction.

 

Sexual people have an innate desire to connect sexually with certain other people for pleasure and will at least sometimes desire to have sex with a partner as a preference to relieving arousal through masturbation. Sexual attraction can manifest in all sorts of ways, but generally whatever it is that drives a sexual person to desire partnered sex with one person over another (whether because they like that person's appearance, maybe they have fallen in love with that person and desire sexual intimacy as an expression of love, maybe they were just looking for a casual hookup) that choice of one person over another for whatever is generally where the sexual attraction comes into it. This is not always the case, because sometimes the desire for partnered sex (as a preference to masturbation) can override a person's attraction and gender preferences, which is how sometimes a straight man may end up having gay sex in prison or a lesbian woman may have sex with a man because no adequate female partner is available. The desire for partnered sex, in these cases, is overriding that person's innate sexual preferences. We have also had sexual people here on AVEN who have said they would rather have sex with people they feel no attraction for, and even are repulsed by, than live the rest of their life in celibacy.. So, again, it really does seem to come more down to that desire to connect sexually with others than the attraction itself. Attraction really does seem secondary to desire (the desire to have sex with someone else) at least some of the time.

 

Asexuals do not have that underlying desire to connect sexually with others to experience sexual and/or emotional pleasure. Asexuals may have a libido and choose to masturbate to relieve that, but they would never think 'I wish I could have a partner to enjoy this with because masturbation alone just isn't hitting the spot in the way partnered sexual intimacy would' (that was a lame way of phrasing it but you get the gist. They just don't have a preference to have sex with another person for pleasure, ever.) Asexuals may still choose to have sex of course, to try to make a partner happy, to try to fit in, to try to make themselves desire feel 'normal', all sorts of reasons: But at the end of the day, an asexual would be happiest without ever having to have partnered sex again for whatever reason. Asexuals DO often still find people attractive though, and even feel physically drawn to others. Asexuals can also experience 'attraction' to aspects of another person's appearance.. They just have no desire to connect sexually with that person for their own pleasure, no matter how attractive they find that person or how aroused they are.

 

Hope that helps, if you read it all!

 

Oh and welcome to AVEN, I hope you enjoy your time here :3

 

 

[binary suns]

sexual attraction can include many different experiences. It isn't really "one thing" but often people might hero some aspect or other of it because for them that aspect is more important. sexual attraction isn't a guaranteed thing either, it is neither a constant experience nor will it be experienced every time a certain "trigger" is present. Also, some folk don't feel some of the experiences except under the correct circumstances, such as some who don't feel a desire for sex.

 

technically it's actually more accurate to define an asexual as someone who doesn't desire sexual contact with a partner, but I always say no definition is universal especially with relative and subjective things like an emotional experience.

 

for numerous examples, any of the following can sometimes fall under the category of sexual attraction for a sexual person

Spoiler

• desire for sex
• sex drive, a need for sexual gratification
• a need or compulsion for sex or sexual activity
• wanting sexual intimacy, generally speaking, no specifics about what/how/when/why/with whom
• arousal because of a person
• arousal in response to a particular person's interacts
• arousal, horniness, or other similar sexual emotional experiences when thinking about or talking about a person
• sexual fantasy about a person or fictional character
• other general emotions that aren't typically considered sexual but just "Feel sexual" to the person, intuitively
• wanting to give, receive, share, witness, experience, control, or submit to: emotional, sexual, physical, or sensual pleasures and experiences.
• horniness
• libido, a need for self-sexual gratification
• zoning out but in, that by the pleasure of something the mind stops thinking, or processes less because of being immersed in a certain experience
• kink
• enjoying porn, smut, or other sexual or romantic fantasy of various kinds
• fantasy about sexual acts
• thrill
• passion
• emotional attraction, closeness, or etc with a person
• romanticism
• trust
• connection
• love
• aesthetic attraction to a person
• sensual enjoyment
• fun, humor, and other jovial enjoyments of intimacy with a person
• being oneself honestly and fully with a person, or for a wanting or enjoyment of a person to be willing to reveal this to you

 

 

but, a number of those are not only experienced as sexual attraction. love is not exclusive to sexuality, duh! xD

So we define and consider things by how they are different. (a horse has hair and feet and a stomach, but many mammals do, so we don't define a horse by these traits, but a horse does have these traits)

 

so, to help be clear about some clear indications of sexual attraction, these are things which if felt would exclusively reveal that you're experiencing sexual attraction:

Spoiler

• desire for sex
• sex drive, a need for sexual gratification
• a need or compulsion for sex or sexual activity
• wanting sexual intimacy, generally speaking, no specifics about what/how/when/why/with whom
• arousal because of a person
• arousal in response to a particular person's interacts
• arousal, horniness, or other similar sexual emotional experiences when thinking about or talking about a person
• sexual fantasy about a person or fictional character
• other general emotions that aren't typically considered sexual but just "Feel sexual" to the person, intuitively

 

 

and, the following are... hm. non-conclusive, these can sometimes be a clear marker of sexuality under the right contexts, but under different contexts they each could alternatively be something non-sexual that an asexual experiences:

Spoiler

• wanting to give, receive, share, witness, experience, control, or submit to: emotional, sexual, physical, or sensual pleasures and experiences.
• horniness
• zoning out but in, that by the pleasure of something the mind stops thinking, or processes less because of being immersed in a certain experience
• kink
• enjoying porn, smut, or other sexual or romantic fantasy of various kinds
• fantasy about sexual acts
• thrill
• passion