Having Sexual Desires But Not Wanting Them?

[A Cat]

Hey guys, it's me from 2 months ago. 

 

So I've been questioning my sexuality but can't find any infomation on this topic at all. Are you still asexual if you experience sexual desires that you don't want. Ones that seem out of character or that you would never think of yourself? Intrested to see what you guys think. Answers would be very much appreciated. 

[EggplantWitch]

It sort of depends on what you mean by 'desires'. You could mean fantasies (daydreams that you live out in your head, often with no desire to act them out in real life) or maybe intrusve thoughts - disturbing, often violent images that come out of nowhere and are entirely unwanted. For example, while I don't have any sexual daydreams I do get sexual intrusive thoughts, and they can upset me quite a bit. But if you feel attraction to people and want to have sex with them and it's that which upsets you, then it's more likely to be shame or sexual repression, usually influenced by upbringing. Or you could be allosexual but sex-repulsed. Or you could, as you suspect, be asexual. It doesn't really matter that much, what matters more is which labels help you make sense of your experiences, even if they aren't 100% accurate.

[Star Bit]

Sexual desires as in sexually desiring other people or masturbation/porn?

[Mermaidy]

is the OP referring to situations where a person desires sex with someone but doesn't act on it because he's religiously celibate, doesn't want to ''sleep around,'' (because those things would be ''out of character'') etc?

[tarapayrach]

3 hours ago, A Cat said:

Hey guys, it's me from 2 months ago. 

 

So I've been questioning my sexuality but can't find any infomation on this topic at all. Are you still asexual if you experience sexual desires that you don't want. Ones that seem out of character or that you would never think of yourself? Intrested to see what you guys think. Answers would be very much appreciated. 

I have the same questions as everyone above re: what you mean by "desires," so this may be premature but see if this seems to describe what you mean: http://asexuals.wikia.com/wiki/Autochorissexual

[binary suns]

an asexual person would not feel desire for sexual contact with others.

 

 

some asexuals get aroused by porn, some have a drive to masturbate, not all but some. those technically are "Sexual desire" but really, it is self-satisfied desire. informally we refer to such an ace as a libido'd ace.

 

 

there are some folk who experience sexual attraction and desire in fantasy but not in "real" - there it is more controversial. personally I think folk who have sexual fantasies that involve themselves having sex with others in fantasy - whether a real person or a fantasy character - would be greysexual, but others feel such a person who fantasizes about sexual encounters (for themselves) is ace if they do not wish to actually have such encounters.

 

(if someone has a fantasy of sex that involves specifically not-them, this is different, similar to porn enjoyment IMO, I personally consider aces to be capable of having fantasies of others)

[binary suns]

but the real complication to all this is - if we get into our mind, "I must be an ace so I can't experience x or y or z" then this is unhealthy. please look to be honest to who you are first, as in accept whatever experiences you do have, before you go trying to force yourself to match some label.

 

the label is just a tool to communicate who you are. we can get pretty emotionally attached to our identity of course, but remember to work towards seeing you for yourself before you see you according to the words which describe you, does this make sense?

 

[Plectrophenax]

Like you've heard a few times now - it depends on what you mean by 'sexual desire'.

 

In theory, however, having them at all makes you sexual, regardless of how much you love or hate that fact. Some define asexuality concretely by the desire for partnered sex (which, as I understand it, still leaves some room for 'sexual desire' or something very much like it), but even then it doesn't matter how you feel about that desire, only that you feel it.

 

4 hours ago, A Cat said:

Ones that seem out of character or that you would never think of yourself?

I'm particularly curious about what you mean by this. A desire that is, in a way, 'evoked' or 'planted' by your surroundings? I have troubles imagining that.

Though I won't deny that, when I first learned that people occasionally actually think of other people they meet or see in a sexual way (naked or engaged in sexual activity, for example), I actively tried to do so as well a few times. Which, technicaly, was me having thoughts "that I would never think of myself", but still nothing like "desires".

[Star Bit]

@float on Not all but MOST. Most asexuals masturbate and most use erotica to do so. There's been polls on it. And the mentioned person who mentally desires sex but not IRL wouldn't be Gray-sexual but Gray-asexual. The problem with them fully going by ace is that it can delute or even kill off the definition; so with all the specifics an asexual can do it would just add up to being a sexual person.

[Keakin]

You can feel these things and still be asexual. Having these urges only means that your body is functioning normally. These are automatic things if you think of the body as a machine. It all depends on what you want. If you don't want to act upon the "desire" and it causes you stress then it means nothing more than body functions. But if you want to act upon these in real life then you're not asexual. 

[MrDane]

There is the "I wonder how that would feel"-fantasy and the "if I where different then I migth like this" and the more jungvian "this is so not me, and therefore I to some extend need it to feel like a full person"!

...and the fantasy from some very controlling, perfectionistic, sexuals, where they dream about the ultimate "letting go and losing control"= rape. But nobody likes to be raped.

...and just to mention it, most cases of abuse/incest is more about power than about sex to the wrong-doer.

 

my point is, that there can be miles from the daydream to the desire to actually do it.