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Questioning Asexual/Gray-A/Demi??


ChibiChaostan

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Hi there! So my name is Angelica. I'm a nineteen year old female. To be honest, I'm questioning my sexual orientation and I have been for a while. I'm starting to wonder if I'm asexual or if I fall somewhere underneath the umbrella and I was hoping if I could ask for help to see if I truly do? 

 

I know when I see celebrities, I say they're hot or beautiful or pretty. I don't think I necessarily experience any sort of sexual attraction per se? Or if I do, I can't really tell. I generally don't end up feeling sexual attraction towards strangers more so than I think that they're beautiful/pretty/"hot..."

 

 

When it comes to masturbation, I don't particularly enjoy it more so than I'm just doing it to get the job done. I've not yet had sex. I'm interested in it, I guess? Like I want to have sex with someone if I really love them and care for them and they reciprocate... But the act itself kind of... Isn't appealing to me. Foreplay and just cuddling and kissing is! But the act of penetration isn't. Genitals, to me, are repulsive. I don't like the way they look or they feel. I have to skip parts in porn because they physically just repulse me. That's likely because I have a sensory processing issue... But I'm just incredibly confused.

 

I've experienced sexual attraction towards a crush. And we'd been dating for close to a year and few months when we started testing the waters. We never got far. But sometimes, when he kissed my neck or something, I wouldn't feel anything. It wasn't arousing. I just stared up at the ceiling and I couldn't feel anything except for the fact that he was kissing me. 

 

Please forgive me for going so into detail but i just am incredibly confused and was hoping that I could have input if that's at all ok? It's nice to meet you all! :D

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: It sounds like you could be grey-a or demi. Good luck in figuring things out. :)

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Welcome to AVEN. It sounds like you're sex adverse (a.k.a. sex repulsed), and demi/grey (as you have experienced sexual attraction. In the end the choice of whether or not to have these labels is up to you. It's your descision how you identify. All the best on your journey of self discovery. Also cake.c3.jpg

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sexual activity isn't limited to just PIV sex.  a person can not desire PIV sex and still be hetero/homo/bi because he desires other types of sexual activity usually considered foreplay

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tldr, you sound like a perfectly normal sexual person; nothing to constitute Gray or Ace or Demi.

 

1) Asexuality is not an umbrella. The eronious phrase 'asexual spectrum' does not refer to Asexuality being a spectrum nor the Gray spectrum being asexual either. It's really a term that needs to be gotten rid of because it's doing more harm than good and the top cause for confusion on the matter.

 

2) Having a pull to look at someone due to beauty and/or mannerisms (like a captivating sunset) is called aesthetic attraction. Alone it's perfectly platonic. Just thinking someone's pretty however isn't and is just called aesthetically pleasing or aesthetic recognition.

 

Quote

I've not yet had sex. I'm interested in it, I guess? Like I want to have sex with someone if I really love them and care for them and they reciprocate... But the act itself kind of... Isn't appealing to me. Foreplay and just cuddling and kissing is! But the act of penetration isn't. Genitals, to me, are repulsive. I don't like the way they look or they feel. I have to skip parts in porn because they physically just repulse me. That's likely because I have a sensory processing issue... But I'm just incredibly confused.

 

I've experienced sexual attraction towards a crush.

3) The underlined completely counteracts Asexuality. The whole point to the term and its only requirement is to not desire sexual activity with anyone ever. Sexual people desire sex for many reasons. Not desiring it for one of the most common reasons doesn't mean anything. If someone desires sex for its sexual or emotional pleasure they're sexual; no matter what kind of partnered stimulation they desire. However, if you're saying you'd only be WILLING TO CONCENT to sex if the person loved you then that's asexual and a common excuse asexuals tell themselves before finding their orientation.

 

You desire foreplay in what sense? Some definitions inaccurately include oral, hand jobs, and other direct genital contact. Those are types of sex; thus not an act that happens BEFORE sex. Also, if you desire foreplay for its sexual arousal that's sexual activity and thus not asexual. If you only desire this form of sexual activity that'd be called Quasi-heterosexual (for example). And many sexual people find genitals ugly; where do you think "bumping uglies" as a euphemism for sex came from? But what makes sexual people pursue sex despite this is sexual arousal which fogs over that part of the mind momenterily.

 

Only a minority of females regularly experience sexual attraction (a quality about someone  triggering the impulse to do sexual things with them). It's predominantly a male experience. The majority of women rarely if never experience it and need sexual arousal or foreplay in order to desire sex. Alot of women also desire sex for other reasons such as the emotional bond they (perhaps only) get from it. Only wanting sex with someone who loves you is normal, especially for females, but what makes a Demisexual is an abnormal span of time before they desire sex. If you need about a month that's perfectly normal for sexual people.

 

Btw, Demi is under the Gray umbrella (which is for sexual people who desire sex at an unusual point in time). And Gray-sexual and Gray-asexual are two different things; the former closer to being a normal sexual person and the latter virtually asexual.

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@Star Bit

 

personally I oppose the idea that there is a "Grey sexual" and a "grey asexual" difference. sometimes people do feel clearly more asexual than not, and others feel more sexual than not, but unless you speak for yourself to say that you are mostly ace or mostly sexual I find it to be appropriation on the label. 'cause at least for me and a few others, it really isn't clear if we're more ace or more sexual- this is why we say we are grey! to imply we are one or the other would not represent who I am accurately.

 

generally I agree with star bit's post tho ^_^ tho I wouldn't make any assumption about the op from their post. I'll quote it to denote my thoughts gimme a second.

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The point of going by an orientation (excluding what I mentioned earlier to keep an orientation's definition) is to advertise. There's no point in advertising if you'll never act so that's the whole point behind Gray-A (as a specific, not an umbrella); hetero/homo/bi doesn't matter because they'll never do it.

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so :unsure: IDK I am having a hard time typing things out right now.

 

but uh, the one thing I want to say is, sexual attraction isn't always one specific thing, so I don't leap to any conclusion when people say "sexual attraction" because personally I called a few things "sexual attraction" that it's embarrassing I thought that was what it was.  so I look for other indicators of what the person feels.

 

6 hours ago, ChibiChaostan said:

I'm interested in it, I guess? Like I want to have sex with someone if I really love them and care for them and they reciprocate... But the act itself kind of... Isn't appealing to me.

this looks like partial sexual attraction. some women and a few men, don't feel much more than this most of the time. personally I've had enough sexual experiences, to know that I don't get anything more than this tho, so I can definitively say I am grey because of feeling this way. sex generally "sounds good" but really, notsomuch.

 

but, I've seen aces say something similar tbh. :unsure: which is why self-identification is the de-facto IMO.

 

6 hours ago, ChibiChaostan said:

Foreplay and just cuddling and kissing is!

this sounds like me, as a greysexual person who also likes the same things xD to me, it's pretty clear that romantic kissing makes me uncomfortable, but I do really like kissing. I'm pretty sure I like it because of my "sexual half" so to speak. But, sex more than foreplay is kind of a put-off for me. I've only once gotten into it, and it just... it didn't really feel as good. it just, the stimulation was good, but emotionally I was pretty detached from it. but - when we were just kissing or playing with each other's chest, that was really nice and I liked that a lot.

 

There is something many aces like to identify as "sensual attraction" which is to feel drawn towards and enjoying intimate physical touch, like cuddling. But as I talked with aces who like that, thinking maybe I am like them, I came to realize - for me, being physically close with certain folks is exciting or invigorating in a way. and with some people I get aroused! but no aces were saying such things about it - I couldn't quote them tho - but it seemed as if they found cuddling to be a passive enjoyment instead of an active enjoyment. and so then, this was when I started to really identify my sexual attraction as sexual attraction - I incorrectly labeled my experiences before then.

 

but now I know exactly when I feel sexual attraction - but it's hard to really describe it. I just "know" that it is sexual - the emotional experience is just recognizable. but my most clear word to describe it is butterflies in the stomach :lol: butterflies in the stomach describe a lot of emotions! xD

 

so I can really only say "it's clearly sexual attraction, I just know" but really, it feels different from other emotions. that is how I know. sorry I can't describe it tho.

 

6 hours ago, ChibiChaostan said:

But the act of penetration isn't. Genitals, to me, are repulsive.

just to mention it, sex isn't just penetration and genital play. It doesn't have to involve those things either. There's emotional aspect to it, generally being close, trusting each other, being yourselves, etc. foreplay is technically sex. it gets pretty complex to talk about what sex, sexual attraction, and orientation are. I wouldn't mind foreplay with a partner, I may even want it I think, but since that's all that I feel comfortable doing, and I could do without it, I identify as greysexual.

 

 

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@Star Bit ultimately an orientation is just an abstraction of who we are. any use for abstractions, symbolism, or names, is a use for an orientation label.

 

maybe one of those uses is to advertise. but it is not the only use. and, it isn't the most important use for everyone. it's irrelevant to me to advertise myself at all. so I don't. but it's important for me to understand that I could be in a relationships, and would enjoy it. if it ever happens that I start moving towards a relationship, I know myself well enough to not fuck up the rare opportunity, not again anyway. hopefully.

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Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for your input! @Star Bit, I am incredibly sorry if I've made a mistake that has offended you as you said that you believe asexuality isn't a spectrum! That was a phrase I've seen floating around and I thought it was correct to refer to! Please forgive me! My intent wasn't to anger or upset you or anyone here! 

6 hours ago, Star Bit said:

3) The underlined completely counteracts Asexuality. The whole point to the term and its only requirement is to not desire sexual activity with anyone ever. Sexual people desire sex for many reasons. Not desiring it for one of the most common reasons doesn't mean anything. If someone desires sex for its sexual or emotional pleasure they're sexual; no matter what kind of partnered stimulation they desire. However, if you're saying you'd only be WILLING TO CONCENT to sex if the person loved you then that's asexual and a common excuse asexuals tell themselves before finding their orientation.

 

You desire foreplay in what sense? Some definitions inaccurately include oral, hand jobs, and other direct genital contact. Those are types of sex; thus not an act that happens BEFORE sex. Also, if you desire foreplay for its sexual arousal that's sexual activity and thus not asexual. If you only desire this form of sexual activity that'd be called Quasi-heterosexual (for example). And many sexual people find genitals ugly; where do you think "bumping uglies" as a euphemism for sex came from? But what makes sexual people pursue sex despite this is sexual arousal which fogs over that part of the mind momenterily.

 

Only a minority of females regularly experience sexual attraction (a quality about someone  triggering the impulse to do sexual things with them). It's predominantly a male experience. The majority of women rarely if never experience it and need sexual arousal or foreplay in order to desire sex. Alot of women also desire sex for other reasons such as the emotional bond they (perhaps only) get from it. Only wanting sex with someone who loves you is normal, especially for females, but what makes a Demisexual is an abnormal span of time before they desire sex. If you need about a month that's perfectly normal for sexual people.

To clarify, my sexual attraction towards my crush at the time, it took me about a year and a half for me to hit that point where I was considering testing the sexual waters with him. Honestly, I have no idea if that's considered a normal time for someone who identifies as sexual. For a long time before that, I was very averse to physical contact because of some bad experiences with previous partners. I was not sexually abused! It's just that I've had some... Forceful partners who didn't know how to consider that kisses and contact in general are a two party communicative activity but that's neither here nor there. At the time, I had believed that he was the one that I wanted to give myself to because I thought he was... Essentially a lot better than he was. But I'm rambling. 

 

As for your question as to what constitutes foreplay for me... I know that oral sex, hand jobs, mutual masturbation, etc. are not foreplay activities. They are types of sex and therefore, don't technically count. But I can't exactly tell you what foreplay constitutes for me. I know that sounds ignorant but I'm just not too sure myself. I just know that, to me, it's the activities that prepare both parties for the act of sex, be it penetrative or oral. So on and so forth. Like, that time beforehand, being able to understand what your partner likes and to bond seems a lot more enjoyable to me than the act of sex itself. Again, I likely have sensory processing issues as well so I just... Touching and exploring others is not quite as nice as it could be. I can't be touched for too long before I end up wanting to be left alone haha!

 

I'm incredibly sorry if that's making things more difficult! I'm just trying to clarify some things! Thank you all again so much for helping me and I really hope I'm not wasting anyone's time! Thank you! :D

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You might find this page useful:

 

 

Taking a quote directly on asexuality

 

Quote

 

What is Asexuality?

The definition of Asexuality in itself is a highly debated topic on AVEN as you'll find the thread "Is AVEN sending us mixed messages?" as well as this thread "Asexual Spectrum/Umbrella References" However, there's two general definitions that are used.

  1. Someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender.

  2. Someone who has no desire for partnered sex.

It's safe to say, that as long as your definition fits under one of these two categories, you can call yourself asexual.

 

 

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@ChibiChaostan I'm not offended, it's just a term that causes frequent problems/correction. Yes it's a popular phrase, unfortunately. It's like kids today misusing the word 'literally' and having to tell them they have it wrong. And it's not an opinion that sexual people simply desire sex/asexuals don't, it's fact.

 

A year before desiring sex would constitute as Demisexual, but one experience isn't enough to base things on. I thought I was Demiromantic because my first crush ended up going that way, but I later found out I wasn't (crushes are rare for me so it took a while). But again, if you'd have sex outside of having sexual attraction (as most women do) then that'd just be a normal sexual woman.

 

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@Star Bit No, no, no! I'm sorry, I never meant to claim that it wasn't the truth! It is! My words may be coming out wrong, I'm so sorry! 

 

And honestly, I've only had four partners. With my latest partner, we've only been together five months and I haven't reached the point where I'm feeling any sexual desire. The most I want is hugs, kisses, and cuddles but alas we are long distance. ; u ; Demiromantic means that you only experience a crush once you've established a deep connection with someone right? It's like demisexuality except it constitutes your romantic orientation from what I've read? 

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@ChibiChaostan Sorry if I came on firm, but we get some people who are sturnly stuck in their misinformation and no matter how much you explain it they stick to it, so I guess I was anticipating that annoying situation.

 

So you're not sure on what kind of foreplay you want but do you desire physical contact for its sexual arousal? If so then that's not asexual (or Gray).

 

Like Demisexual, Demiromantics need an abnormal span of time before a crush develops/relationship is desired. The bond definition is unfortunately not accurate. Needing trust is completely normal for sexual/romantic people. They chose the wrong wording when coining the term and it's actually time related not bond. Also, nit pick, it's trust related too, not bond; which would require both people instead of one; Demi's can be one sided and don't need mutual trust. Also, I think it's bond definition is why alot of sexual people reject the term and even say it's a normal sexual person, because it technically is by it's wording. If it was changed to what it should be I don't think they'd have any room to discredit it.

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@Star Bit No, it's absolutely ok! I completely understand! It must be incredibly frustrating and I apologize if I came off as misinformed or as though I was dismissing your experiences or the experiences of other asexuals. That was not my intent at all! I apologize once again haha! Thank you so much for being patient with me! :D

 

To answer your question, I feel like it's...

Sex and foreplay is not important to me. I don't feel like it's vital or necessary in a healthy, communicative relationship. I mean, I'd like to experience both at least once before I swear sex off. Sex still puts me off. I want it but I don't if that makes sense? Right now? I'm not desiring sex. Like at all. It's not important. I don't want to start desiring my partner sexually because it's not necessarily something I enjoy feeling. So I mean, yes I'd like to experience it! But if sex doesn't happen, then you know, it just doesn't haha! I'm sorry if that's confusing. I'm still confused about my stance on sex to be honest.  

 

And that makes sense! I mean, a bond and trust are two very different things. A bond doesn't necessarily secure a relationship more than trust and communication and honesty right?

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