Serious questioning-please help me

[Nh7]

Hi

Okay this may all sound a little stupid but I really need help because it's putting me under serious  stress. 

 

I'm a 20 year old female, I've had 'sex' with 5 people in the past but I'm beginning to really question myself recently.  I'm currently in a relationship, and while I do really appreciate the guy and enjoy his company, I'm not sure if I like him sexually. I've slept with him, but I know I'm only doing it because I know it's expected. (don't get me wrong, I do consent, I just don't choose it) 

I've always been the type of person who makes mockery crude comments and make comments if I find someone attractive, which obviously leads people to perceive me as hypersexual. However as much as I comment, I cringe at the idea of intimacy, both sexual and romantic. I always have, but at the same time I've never been repulsed. Recently I'm finding that I'm doing everything I can to avoid sex or intimacy. I've always had a weird relationship with sex, as with past partners, looking back, I'm pretty sure I only done it for their sake, faking whatever mental or physical pleasure for myself.  

I also have some heavy family drama, so here's the basics that intervene with this situation- my mum hates my dad with a passion, so when I moved out to live with him, mums psychic friend just happened to tell her that she thinks I was molested or abused sexually as a kid. She made all these points to prove it was my dad. Although she tried hard to prove it was him, I find it too coincidental that she only mentioned it amid chaos for my mum's side. 

I brushed it off as them being lunatics, but the thought of it has been wrecking my brain ever since, and researching more into childhood trauma and abuse is showing me red flags that could mean it may be true (whether it was my dad or not)  

The reason I bring this up is because I believe this may also contribute to my repulsiveness to intimacy, or maybe I'm just insane now too. 

 

In the last year I've began to masterbate and I find it very pleasurable, however I still would much rather do that for the rest of my life than be touched by someone else, even my boyfriend. 

Another excuse I'm considering is that my low libido is caused by my weight gain, making me extremely self conscious, and/or the hormonal period tablets I'm on. 

To top it all off, I also have strong anxiety and depression so I already dislike big social situations or attention on me. 

 

I know I sound like a basket case hypochondriac,  but any help would he HUGELY appreciated!! 

 

[Apathetic Echidna]

2 hours ago, Nh7 said:

looking back, I'm pretty sure I only done it for their sake, faking whatever mental or physical pleasure for myself.  

Faking things can be very bad for your emotional state as it can start making you feel hollow. Apparently forcing yourself to act out an emotion can make you feel better though not necessarily the emotion you act out. I'll have to ask for some of the links from my friend,,,,but apparently smiling can make you feel better eventually, but I guess the mental or physical pleasure you were faking was more about expectations other people had for you which sounds more like the hollow harmful type.   

 

The best I think you can do is be honest with the person you are in a relationship with, your confusion, your feelings to them and your feelings to intimacy. Maybe things will get clearer when you don't feel that you have to fake things or continually support some sort of camouflage. GAH! I'm bad at advice, have a internet hug and some cake 

[Faux]

Though asexuality is rather complicated, the easiest way to 'define' it is to say it means: a lack of sexual attraction. From my own experience and through research, I have come to believe that you can be born asexual, but it can also develop due to trauma, weight gain, bad experiences and literally anything else under the sun. If you are not experiencing sexual attraction at this point in time then yes you are probably asexual, whether or not that has been brought on by your experiences or not. Masturbation is an act usually performed upon due to it being pleasurable, and may or may not have anything to do with sexual attraction. I have also questioned that my asexuality may also be linked to my weight, and who knows, it may be a contributing factor, but I know without a doubt that I have never experienced sexual attraction and that I am asexual, and if you too know that at this moment in time you do not experience sexual attraction, then you too may be asexual. Keep researching if you're interested, AVEN is definitely a great way to connect with other people experiencing similar things to you as well so keep on browsing.