Really questioning and need some help

[Willow1408]

Quick note for anyone who bothers to read through this long thing, my thoughts are a bit of a mess and I add things as they come to me, so this may be going absolutely everywhere.

Hello, I've only recently come across this website but decided to make an account to see if anyone could help me figure things out. The thing is, I'm not actually sure what my sexuality is, anymore. I'm currently 20 years old and, for years, I identified as heterosexual simply because I had never considered I'd be anything else. Not to mention I grew up in a household that went from very chaotic and bad in general, with parents often fighting and money being something we really didn't have, to pretty religious without all the fighting and everything. Probably around the time I was 13 or so, I began questioning my sexuality without really bringing it up to anyone and finally settled on identifying as bisexual. I stayed with this label for years before beginning to wonder again, because it just didn't really feel right. Around the time I began dating my ex-girlfriend (who is still one of my closest friends), I felt pansexual seemed more fitting than bisexual, because genders and such just didn't really affect how I felt. However, now I'm beginning to wonder if that's even right, because of some things lately that have been going on in my current relationship.

 

Now, with the simpler, summed up bit out of the way, I'll go into some more details on things. I've spent several hours reading things about being asexual (or grey-asexual, etc), which are what made me wonder because I simply always thought it was nothing more than not wanting sex with people, and boy was I wrong, because while that seems to be the case for some, it's not for others.

 

At first I felt like the term demisexual seemed a bit like me, because I feel some sort of attraction to people after I know them well, but I don't really know that it's sexual, which is what threw me off. When I was with my ex-girlfriend, who started out as one of my best friends (and who still is one after lots of trouble in the past), we fooled around and there was arousal in the sense of my body reacting to what was going on, but thinking back, I don't feel like it was anything more than just experimenting. Because messing around with her left me awkward/uncomfortable, and I wonder if it was simply us being teenagers and wanting to have a go. Not to mention, I didn't feel that I would ever actually get off while doing any of these things with her (and I never did).

 

Now, I don't really know that this would affect anything, but I've had poor experiences with sexual things in the past, which made me wonder if I'm actually any form of asexual or simply put off the idea because of what I experienced. When I was younger, I was molested by several of my male family members throughout the years, the worst being my now-deceased grandfather who did so for 8 years, starting when I was 6, before passing away. There was no hatred towards him or any of the others and I've come to terms with all of that, so moving on.

 

I've also ended up in many online relationships with guys who, honestly, just wanted to use me. Looking back, I know I got myself pulled into them because I yearned for emotional support/an emotional connection/the feeling of someone caring for me, and they simply pretended to give it and forced me into doing things for their own benefit, most of which didn't benefit me in any way, such as being truly aroused or enjoying myself (A major things to keep in mind, at this point in my life, I had just gotten out of the whole thing with my grandfather because he passed away not long before, and I was just depressed and extremely lonely/anxious, etc). Now, most of it was pretending to get off so I could simply be left alone about it. I only ever got off with one person out of probably the five or six people I did these things with, and only after an hour or more and because I forced myself to, and he really played no part in getting me to that point. Even when by myself and I feel aroused and the urge to masturbate, it takes quite a lot of time to get to that point. These experiences are what make me wonder if I'm asexual in some way or simply put off the idea of sex.

 

However, reading through some of the forums here, I began seeing comments such as asexuals not really feeling sexual attraction, which made me confused because I honestly wasn't sure if I actually ever had once I really thought about it. The best understanding I could get about it was by Sally under another topic:

"Sexual attraction to someone (according to the sexuals I've known) means that you see someone and you wonder what they would be like to have sex with and the thought sounds very good to you, and you feel stuff below your chest.

You will know it when you feel it. That's really all there is to it. I think the key is that sexuals don't wonder if they feel it. They know what they feel."

 

And after thinking about that a lot and continuing to read, I'm not really sure I've ever felt that? (Just trying to figure out if I have or not took me at least an hour of searching and I'm still not sure) I can look at a person and be like, yeah, that person is attractive and I bet they'd be great to have sex with, but it's more of a quick thought such as oh that person has really pretty eyes or they look like a cool, laid back person, rather that I actually want to have sex with them. But I don't know that I've ever been able to look at a stranger and wonder what it was like to have sex with them. I honestly never even considering that people do that, which I guess is why one night stands mildly disturbed me. Even people I know well, I don't like the idea of trying to imagine that sort of thing, even if I do find them attractive, because then I simply feel awkward around that person, as if that kind of thought would be written all over my face.

 

The reason all of this has come up lately is because my boyfriend, who was originally my brother's friend for many years, was up from Florida, which is several states away, to get away from the hurricane. We've been together for nearing a year and a half and have spent about just over a month actually together in person (such as us going down for vacation or him coming up to visit, etc). Because of this, we've kept things slow and leave a lot of the physical aspect out of it, but I know for sure he at least wants to kiss me (he's told me), but the idea freaks me out. I don't necessarily feel any physical attraction to him, or I suppose it would be better to call it sexual attraction. I thought a lot about it this last week or so, especially because it's truly sinking in that he's moving up at the beginning of this next year to be closer to all of us.

 

I really like the idea of hugging him and just resting against him/with him and holding hands, but the idea of being kissed or touched in any really intimate way kinda freaks me out/I just really don't like the idea of it (an example would be he was rubbing my back the other day because I was stressed and my shirt pulled up just a bit, not even exposing my lower back, but just the thought of him possibly touching any of the bare skin on my back had me feeling uneasy). Kissing isn't something I want to do. Having sex isn't really an appealing thing to me. Being touched intimately doesn't do anything for me. These kinds of things are the reason I'm so confused. Because am I asexual in some way or simply avoiding it altogether because of what happened in the past?

Another thing in regard to the sexual attraction bit I stated up above. Like I said, I don't honestly know that I've truly felt sexual attraction to anyone. I have a high libido for sure and am often aroused without warning, but as far as I can tell, there's not really anything that causes it? I don't know for sure at this point in time because I've not really thought of it before. But like, if I were to be around or exposed to things that are explicitly sexual in nature (such as stories, images, or videos of people having sex), sure I'll often become aroused, but I don't really think it's the people in it that cause it, rather the act itself. And even then, I don't necessarily really feel the urge to take part in that kind of thing. I've fantasized about the acts before, but the idea of trying to imagine actual people doing those acts seems like more of a hassle to me than anything, in the sense that I have to seriously stop and try to think about it and any arousal I had goes out the window because of too much concentration on trying to imagine it.

 

So, I've no doubt I've missed some things I wanted to add in before I began rambling, but at this point I can't come up with them because I already spent way too long trying to write everything down. So, if anyone could help me out, it would be seriously greatly appreciated. Because right now, I don't know if it's some form of asexuality or simply an aversion because of my experiences, and I'd really appreciate any help I could get. If you have any questions or would like me to clarify anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

Quick edit: When it comes to my boyfriend, I feel a strong emotional connection with him and do love him dearly and can see myself spending my life with him. I also love to hug him and hold hands, but anything beyond that makes me uncomfortable.

 

[TheAP]

Welcome to AVEN!  It seems likely that you are asexual.

[Lichley]

Welcome to AVEN.

The only person that can label you is you, but from your lack of sexual desire I can say that it definitely sounds like your on the asexual spectrum. If you don't want to kiss someone or have sex then that's perfectly fine, even if you care about them it's your choice, and it's your choice how you label yourself too, because asexuals experience varying degrees of romantic attraction. Some want to kiss, others to hug, and some just to hold hands. There is a whole range of different feelings out there, so much so that labels are just the broad terms we use to convey the generalised feeling. 

[Willow1408]

@TheAP Thank you for the welcome!

 

@Lichley I completely understand that we are the only ones that can label ourselves. And I'm beginning to lean more towards it. The only thing is that I don't feel that I'm strictly asexual, as in that term itself doesn't truly fit me. I just can't seem to figure out one that does, one that I see and think "hey, yeah, that's me".

[Lichley]

There may not be a label that describes you, but asexual is an umbrella term for someone who is part of the asexual spectrum, so if you're unsure you can always go with that until you find one. 

[Willow1408]

@Lichley Thank you so much! I'll probably do that and look into things more and maybe figure it out later.

[gisiebob]

embrace the paradoxes. whether or not these different things are connected does and does not matter. allow yourself to keep an open mind to things you currently find uncomfortable, but also be able to say no in situations you don't want to experience. remember to trust in yourself and the person you care about. enjoy your newcommer cake.