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Curvyandcute

Lesbian Marriage, Suspect Wife Might Be Asexual

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Curvyandcute   
Curvyandcute

Hello. I'm new here, however, I stumbled upon the site a few weeks back

doing a google search and am thankful I did. I suspect my wife might be asexual, we made love only once in the last nearly 11 years. There always seemed to be a good excuse/reason why and I chalked it up to my being ugly/fat and ultimately "unfuckable". Recently we both lost a significant amount of weight and I got very self-confident and crave attention in every way possible including sexually. I've been turned down over and over by my wife and it has left me wondering what is wrong with me? despite her telling me it is her and not me. I constantly feel like a predator in my own marriage when I simply pursue her for a passionate kiss, or try to initiate any sort of intimacy and she rejects me harshly. I'm to the point that when I pleasure myself I burst in tears when I climax because I am so heartbroken that she doesn't want to be with me in any sort of intimate way and I do not foresee that changing any time soon. 

We have been together nearly 20 years and in the beginning of our relationship we were intimate. In looking back I can recall where our intimacy dwindled... I suggested we refrain from sex the year prior to getting married to make our wedding night special. Now I recall how excited she was at this gesture. And we never were intimate on our wedding night and intimacy very much decreased after that which was 13 years ago. 

 

Do you think my wife could be asexual? 

How can I talk to her about this? 

What resources are there available? 

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sg06   
sg06

Before labeling your wife as asexual, has she had a traumatic past, with physical or sexual assault? Assault victims of all sexual orientations have said that, after experiencing that type of violence, they had periods of being reluctant or too afraid of intimacy and that it took them some time to feel comfortable with a partner. So, this is another possibility, besides asexuality.

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chair jockey   
chair jockey

There is a wide variety of possibilities.

 

Her first experiences with sex, while not necessarily being assault, could have been unpleasant enough to make her decide that sex is not worth it. Happens all the time!

 

She could have physical health issues that make her averse to sex.

 

She could have self-confidence issues that make her feel like nobody should want to have sex with her, or some issue with how part of her body looks.

 

She could have been told repeatedly at an impressionable age that she doesn't deserve to be wanted (which I understand young girls do to each other all the time in much more abusive words than the ones I've used here), and it could have stuck.

 

While I don't believe there is one linear scale on somebody being attractive or unattractive--it's really a three-dimensional matrix with no "better" and "worse" direction along any of its axes--it could be that you are just not her type--but would very much be somebody else's type; and she might feel inhibited about telling you that because she knows you'd take it as her saying you are "unattractive" in some absolute linear scale sense.

 

She might have had it drilled into her mind that sex is bad, wrong, "sinful," or whatever--not necessarily by religious parents, as simple fear of unplanned pregnancy can make parents keep telling a daughter that sex is wrong, bad, and evil until she starts to believe it.

 

She might not be lesbian or bi, and might have thought that having a relationship with a woman is just a way of avoiding sex in marriage.

 

She might have married you for financial security or because it was expected that she would marry.

 

There are other possibilities, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet   
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

Others here have a point, it may be other factors like abuse,health issues, etcetera. It may not necessarily be asexuality.

However, you should talk with your wife about this. Communication is key to any relationship.

Have a talk about why she feels this way (if she is comfortable doing so,that is) tell her how you feel.

You both should let your feelings be known. 

If you want to bring up asexuality to your wife, here are some helpful links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201609/asexuality-is-sexual-orientation-not-sexual-dysfunction

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexuality

http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/

http://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/

If your wife feels comfortable to talk about this, show her some of the links.

I also suggest seeing a marriage counselor. 

 

Please don't feel like a predator. This is a difficult time for the both of you.

I wish the best for the both of you.

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Curvyandcute   
Curvyandcute

Thank you for your insights. Especially the links! That will be helpful to read through. 

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Stheg   
Stheg

What everyone said above, plus I would mention that you would like intimacy in general and not just sex. If she has a hard time with sex for whatever reason perhaps there is a way for you to be intimate either without sex or without the expectation of sex. If she has trauma in her past, Wendy Maltz has a book on sexual healing that I've personally found very helpful. I'd also recommend finding a good marriage counselor.

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ItWasNiceKnowingYou   
ItWasNiceKnowingYou

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