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KTN

I'm So Lost

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KTN

Hi everyone, let me introduce myself. Asian female, like men clothing as I prefer the comfortable things in life, no high heels or dresses for me, no thank you. I've known that I'm asexual since I've turned 20, but that never bothered me. I've never wanted anybody in a sexual way, but lately I've been questioning whether I want a romantic relationship with my best friend. I've known her pretty much all my life. Since the time we were 6, and now we're both 26. I've been there for her ups and her downs. Seen all the boys come and go. I always go above and beyond for her. With every thoughts and waking moments, she's always on my mind. I've always told myself that's she's not like my other friends, because she's "special." The only one who can trigger any real emotions from me. The only one who knows the most about me. The only one I can never picture myself without. A year ago, she went through a really bad breakup with her ex boyfriend of 7 long years, and I was there to pick her up and help her through the tough times. Presently she just started dating this new guy, been a month now, but they have been in an open relationship for about 3 months. They are both promiscuous and into S&M. Everything just seem to all of a sudden gone turbo, she found out she had a miscarriage, now she wants to move out with him(currently still staying at my place), planning to get pregnant again, and buying a house together, maybe marriage and moving out of state. Oblivious she's straight and as my best friend, she knows I'm asexual. What she doesn't know is that lately, I've been asking myself whether or not I love her. Am I only feeling this way cause I'm jealous of the new boyfriend taking my best friend away? Btw, I never felt this way about her boyfriend of 7 years as it was a long distance relationship. So is this jealousy or is this love? But if it's love, should I let her go so she can find her happiness? I'm asexual, she's into S&M. She loves to cuddles and speak nothing but love, while my walls are high and love is but a word to me. We are complete opposite, yet I feel what I feel. These emotions are new to me and before I can even come up with answers for them, she already have her future planned out. It was always me with the plan in the relationship, she just tag along. I'm the type to have plans for everything, and even a plan for when the plan fails. I've never felt so lost in my life...

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chair jockey

You've described yourself doing a lot for her, but haven't mentioned her doing anything for you. What kind of relationship would it be if you gave and gave and gave to her and she just took and took and took from you and didn't give anything back? I wouldn't consider that a relationship or even a friendship.

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Zenzencat104
34 minutes ago, chair jockey said:

You've described yourself doing a lot for her, but haven't mentioned her doing anything for you. What kind of relationship would it be if you gave and gave and gave to her and she just took and took and took from you and didn't give anything back? I wouldn't consider that a relationship or even a friendship.

Are they taking anything? They probably aren't because I'm sure they'd mention it.

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chair jockey
Just now, Zenzencat104 said:

Are they taking anything? They probably aren't.

- she has been there for this friend's ups and downs for 20 years, but doesn't say the friend has been there for her ups and downs--especially her current down

- she has always seen her friend's boys come and go, but doesn't say her friend has seen anyone come and go for her

- the friend is always on her mind, but she doesn't say if her friend ever thinks of her at all

 

I'm getting bored going through that sentence by sentence, so here's a big one:

 

THIS FRIEND IS LIVING IN HER PLACE. THAT'S HOW IT'S WORDED, NOT THAT THEY'RE ROOMMATES, THAT THE FRIEND IS LIVING IN THE OP'S PLACE. HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN GOING ON AND DOES THE FRIEND PAY RENT? DOES THE FRIEND GET FREE FOOD? DOES THE FRIEND HAVE A JOB AT ALL OR GET FREE MONEY FROM HER? DOES HER FRIEND DO ANY FRIENDING AT ALL, AND I DON'T MEAN IN THE FACEBOOK SENSE?

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KTN

Yes, she doesn't do much for me, but that's because I've always been capable of taking care of myself. So I guess I never gave her the opportunity to take care of me. She is paying rent, but I only ask for what she can afford, and most time she's late with the payments and I feel taken advantage of. She doesn't take anything from me either, nor do I give her money. I will not enable her to be a couch potato, she needs to work to support her lifestyle. She's a good friend, don't get me wrong. She's just the type that once she has a new boyfriend, that person becomes her center of the universe. And it's like I don't exist anymore. She doesn't initiate anything either, so maybe I've always been the one "friending" the whole time. And honestly, I'm a little tired of putting in all the work, so lately I've been putting distance between us to see if she'll initiate any friend time, but so far nothing.

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