notquiteademigod

I hate kissing, so why do I still want to do it?

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notquiteademigod   
notquiteademigod

This question has been bothering me for a while.

 

To give you a background, I'm demisexual and either demi or gray romantic (still haven't figured it out as yet, but I'm leaning a bit towards gray). I discovered I was demi a few years ago and that I was aro-spec even later. I get frequent crushes on fictional characters (though lately I've been having fewer of those too), and I get VERY infrequent crushes on real-life people. In fact, even the few and far between crushes I used to get have been completely absent for the last couple of years. It makes me wonder if I'm just aro/ace and was forcing it before?

 

Anyway, I've dated some, and kissed a couple of guys. I don't know whether kissing is considered a sexual act or a romantic act, but either way, each time I did it, I found it kind of gross, or just plain boring. It was kind of like... ok... so that's that. What's next? Sometimes on dates, I've even been painfully worried that the guy is going to try and kiss me when I don't feel ready. 

 

The thing is though, I sometimes get into moods where I just REALLY want to kiss someone. And I don't understand it, because each time I've done it, it hasn't been enjoyable? In fact one time, I actually felt a little nauseous after. Maybe it stems from seeing kissing in novels and movies and wishing it was like that, or maybe it stems from being demi and just not having kissed a guy I have actual feelings for? 

 

Or is it just a societal thing? I do have anxiety, and I know I sometimes worry about what people will think knowing I'm in my twenties and am so 'inexperienced' as such. I also worry that one day I'm going to fall in love and going to be a terrible kisser because I have so little practice. The thing is, I have several allo friends who're the same age as me and are even more inexperienced than I am, and there are people very close to me who I suspect are ace-spec who also experienced things late in their life because that was when they met people they were comfortable with. I'm not being pressured. I know it's not something to be ashamed of, and I'm proud of myself for not forcing myself to do things I'm uncomfortable with, but I just want to know if there are people who feel the same? Because most people I've talked to are either ace-spec but not aro-spec and experience crushes pretty normally/are fine with kissing, or they are aro/ace and know they hate kissing and have no intention of ever doing it again. 

 

Why do I get moods where I so badly want to do something I have yet to find enjoyable in any way? 

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banoffeepie   
banoffeepie

Hey, hi welcome  :cake:

I'm totally guessing here but I'm thinking you want a reassuring comforting warm and safe feeling and kissing is something you feel should do that due to culture and convention. The fact that is doesn't doesn't mean that you can envisage something else that will do the job.

The most close and pleasant contact I've ever experienced is burying yourself in someone's neck and visa versa in a rather sensuous hug. It doesn't have that biological grossness of kissing which seems to be repulsing you.

So briefly maybe you're yearning comfort but haven't found a way of getting it.

 

 

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puundaa   
puundaa

You remind me of my own feelings toward kissing, haha, except I'm only 18.

I remember I would think kissing as something great and nice to do to show love, but when it came to actually doing it, my thoughts were "oh, it's softer than I thought...and its just a way to transfer saliva?" and I was kinda over it. Not a completely unpleasant feeling, but an "I'd just rather not" feeling. Though after my experience, surprisingly, I still have the same thoughts to kissing. I've found myself all alone at times and suddenly get the urge to kiss. I still think it's a cute way to show love and important in relationships.

I believe it may mean that I just need to find someone that I'm in love with or close to being in love and then kissing may be nice. Kissing too early may just end up making things uncomfortable or awkward.

And I don't think you should be worried about not having much experience with kissing. Some people may find it endearing that you haven't kissed that many people, haha. And it means that, if you do like kissing, they can just teach you and if they don't want to then f*** them and move on until someone understands better.

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Star Bit   
Star Bit

Maybe you've just been with poor kissers (especially when you've only done it with a few people). Maybe try kissing in different ways; French kissing isn't the only way (link). You can concentrate on the lips when you kiss, or even one lip. Bitting is an option. You can also do so externally; on the neck or face or even ears. Maybe you don't like their responses, so try having them do nothing while you take the lead. Not everyone'll be ok with that but I think alot would concent to it if you tell them you don't know what you want from it yet and want to explore it on your own rather than having a partner continuously try and fail.

 

Kissing would only be a sexual act if sex was intended from it or if sexual arousal of one of the participants was intended. It's not exactly a romantic action either; as it can be a desired activity on it's own; void of a relationship and sex. In no culture is it platonic. More accurately it's in a set of actions that boil down to foreplay but don't require sex-- so it kind of voids the word foreplay since it's very definition is what happens before sex-- but for simplicity sake let's just go with that (or rather, I don't think anyone considered that these actions could be desired void of sex, so personally I just think the definition needs slight redefining). So everyone actually has 3 orientations and not two; romantic, sensual (i.e.foreplay desired for non-sexual reasons), and sexual. Some straight women only desire to make out with other women. This is where Bisensual Heterosexual would become useful.

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