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Aaronsgirlfriend

Celibate sexual partnerse

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Aaronsgirlfriend

Not really a question or anything but my boyfriend aaron and i have been together just over 6 months now and we havent had sex in about half that time. I will say as a sexual person i still really want to have sex with him but weve tried doing stuff a couple times when he said he wanted to but he was very visibly uncomfortable so i just stopped. I feel like a rapist when he like tenses up and i know he wants to stop. i know he would let me do whatever but i cant do that to him i love him too much and id rather go without sex than do that. He seems more sex-repulsed to me now i think that before when he would say he wanted to before it was him offering because he thought he was "supposed to"

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Nowhere Girl

It would be good if more allosexual partners of asexuals had such an attitude.

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Doctor13

Aww that is wonderful that you're so considerate and observant of how he's handled it! On behalf of Aces everywhere, I thank you for being so mindful.

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NerotheReaper

I am glad you are able to be supportive of him, I know it isn't really easy to understand all the time. So the fact you are trying and are understanding of him that is awesome!

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

It would be good if more allosexual partners of asexuals had such an attitude.

The word generally used for that is that sexuals feel it's 'rapey', and gets brought up many, may times. Do a quick search and see how many results you get.

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Treesarepretty

You two sound very considerate of each other. I think you are lucky to have each other. 

 

Do you want to have sex with him purely for the closeness, or is there more to it? 

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MrDane

I think most sexuals would rather go forever without raping. But not go celibate without sex. There is a huge difference, and there are a variety of compromises, agreements and things/circumstances to consider before I will applaud this arrangement. 

I will say, that it is good if they both feel loved and connected and none of them feel like they miss out on something or feel pressured into something.

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gisiebob

hmm, I wanted to say 'its ok to bring someone you care about to a place where they are uncomfortable...' but that ends with '...as long as they are comfortable with where you are taking them'

sometimes you have to navigate the paradoxes.

I hope good winds stay in your guys' sails.

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Telecaster68

Would them trusting you to gently lead them a bit out of their comfort zone be a better way to put it? 

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Serran
On 9/12/2017 at 7:32 PM, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

Not really a question or anything but my boyfriend aaron and i have been together just over 6 months now and we havent had sex in about half that time. I will say as a sexual person i still really want to have sex with him but weve tried doing stuff a couple times when he said he wanted to but he was very visibly uncomfortable so i just stopped. I feel like a rapist when he like tenses up and i know he wants to stop. i know he would let me do whatever but i cant do that to him i love him too much and id rather go without sex than do that. He seems more sex-repulsed to me now i think that before when he would say he wanted to before it was him offering because he thought he was "supposed to"

Having sex when you don't want to can cause repulsion. He might be able to do some things if he takes the pressure off himself though and trusts it's OK to not do anything he's not comfortable doing. You will have to do a lot of talking to see where things are. 

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MrDane
38 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Would them trusting you to gently lead them a bit out of their comfort zone be a better way to put it? 

There are many things about sex, that my wife has a hard time with, and that is well before thinking about her asexuality and the fact that she never really wants 'it' before she is as much in balance as possible and can relax and maybe stop thinking so much about it. She is uncomfortable with: to much touch, expectations, kissing that may be to looong , being naked, feeling me close to her naked body, seing herself, thinking about the sex that is going to happen, bodily sounds, smells, ligth being unflattering, her not being slim/fit, bed unmade, kids migth hear us, long day tomorrow=risk of loss of sleep, to cold/warm... and even when all the stars are aligned and all is acceptable and good, there is a risk that she migth still feel a bit like a chore or be a bit burdened with my entusiasm.  She has to focus on how last time was actually nice and ok and just 'be' in her nice response to my massaging and her giving me pleasure. She has to know, that it is always ok to say stop, and bring me back to my comfort zone, since this is to much for me. 

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Aaronsgirlfriend
On 9/16/2017 at 9:49 PM, Treesarepretty said:

You two sound very considerate of each other. I think you are lucky to have each other. 

 

Do you want to have sex with him purely for the closeness, or is there more to it? 

Idk,sometimes i want the closeness and sometimes i just want the sensation i guess it depends on the mood. Intellectually i know its ridiculous but emotionally i feel very unwanted/unattractive sometimes. And he cant quite wrap his brain around what its like for me to give up sex (especially since we had it every time we saw eachother for the first like 2 months and ive never had better 👌) Im ok giving it up because i love him and i want to be with him no matter what....but at the same time im very conflicted because i dont want to give up sex. I have never been so attracted to someone (emotionally, sexually), the hard part is that he doesnt feel that sexual part. Idk, i guess its a process and we will work it out better eventually

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Aaronsgirlfriend
On 9/17/2017 at 4:04 AM, MrDane said:

I think most sexuals would rather go forever without raping. But not go celibate without sex. There is a huge difference, and there are a variety of compromises, agreements and things/circumstances to consider before I will applaud this arrangement. 

I will say, that it is good if they both feel loved and connected and none of them feel like they miss out on something or feel pressured into something.

I definitely know he loves me, and i love him so so much, but i feel like im missing out. im still ok with that because were slowly moving towards our own ideal compromise. I know that this whole process is very much at his pace and thats totally fine. It just hurts because im giving it up like 100% and he doesnt get that its hard for me. I want to be understanding and i want to do whatever he needs me to i just wish i could feel supported too.

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Treesarepretty
4 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

Intellectually i know its ridiculous but emotionally i feel very unwanted/unattractive sometimes. 

That isn't rediculous at all. You will find many people on this forum who have felt exactly this way for exactly this reason. 

 

4 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

 (especially since we had it every time we saw eachother for the first like 2 months and ive never had better 👌) 

Congrats! 😉

 

4 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

Idk,sometimes i want the closeness and sometimes i just want the sensation i guess it depends on the mood...

 

Im ok giving it up because i love him and i want to be with him no matter what....but at the same time im very conflicted because i dont want to give up sex. I have never been so attracted to someone (emotionally, sexually), the hard part is that he doesnt feel that sexual part. Idk, i guess its a process and we will work it out better eventually

I think you should be very careful with this line of thinking. "Eventually" may not come. Would you be okay with that? If yes, then great! If no, then what, specifically, is the process to lead to your happy middle ground? How old are the two of you, btw? If you both are young then you may not know enough about yourselves to make accurate estimates of what you can or cannot stand over the long term. 

 

4 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

And he cant quite wrap his brain around what its like for me to give up sex...

 

I have never been so attracted to someone (emotionally, sexually), the hard part is that he doesnt feel that sexual part. 

God, I know this feeling.

 

The way I explained this to my wife was to tell her to imagine that you had gone a day or two without eating for some reason and then you go to the person that you agreed will be the only person to ever cook for you and you are the only person who will ever cook for them. You say to them, "I am hungry for something... from the kitchen." 😉 

They reply, "I have been preparing something for you ALL DAY." 😉

Then they bring out a beautiful sculpture of a swan made entirely out of ice. 

The swan is great and all, but you kind of wanted a sandwich, or maybe some chips and salsa because you are hungry. 

 

You know, no one has posted in the "Good Partner" thread in awhile. Would you like to share with us some of the reasons you love Aaron? 

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gisiebob
On 09/17/2017 at 5:31 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Would them trusting you to gently lead them a bit out of their comfort zone be a better way to put it? 

more logical? yes. but sometimes the paradoxes are important. sometimes they don't need a solution.

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MrDane
18 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

I definitely know he loves me, and i love him so so much, but i feel like im missing out. im still ok with that because were slowly moving towards our own ideal compromise. I know that this whole process is very much at his pace and thats totally fine. It just hurts because im giving it up like 100% and he doesnt get that its hard for me. I want to be understanding and i want to do whatever he needs me to i just wish i could feel supported too.

Sounds nice @Aaronsgirlfriend, and maybe you can eventually be happy with him and still give up on sex. It is naturally possible to be happy, close and intimate and show love without the sex-thingy. Question is, if that arrangement will put you in a state of penduling between being happy to have him and being frustrated about not sharing sex. I would never agree to never have sex, but maybe for a period and talk about the arrangement when that period is over. 

Personally, I chose to live with an everyday-feeling of being sligthly rejected, an occasional depression due to not being desired/wanted by my love, a bit of a dissapointment/concern during the nice sex I do get (because there is a constant inner reminder that this is for my sake, even when it is good for her), a feeling of being a bit of a cry baby when I would like more, a loneliness (not quite "us against the world"), an irritating sexual itch that creeps up on me, ...but I still think my life without my ace-wife would be worse, since she is also the best for me and cannot be replaced.

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Sally
19 hours ago, Aaronsgirlfriend said:

Idk,sometimes i want the closeness and sometimes i just want the sensation i guess it depends on the mood. Intellectually i know its ridiculous but emotionally i feel very unwanted/unattractive sometimes. And he cant quite wrap his brain around what its like for me to give up sex (especially since we had it every time we saw eachother for the first like 2 months and ive never had better 👌) Im ok giving it up because i love him and i want to be with him no matter what....but at the same time im very conflicted because i dont want to give up sex. I have never been so attracted to someone (emotionally, sexually), the hard part is that he doesnt feel that sexual part. Idk, i guess its a process and we will work it out better eventually

that's all quite understandable.  You miss experiencing something that that you want but he just doesn't want and is uncomfortable doing.  You two are different.   Don't expect yourself to be able to be something you can't be, any more than you would expect him to be something he can't  be.  

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Aaronsgirlfriend
On 9/23/2017 at 3:03 AM, MrDane said:

Sounds nice @Aaronsgirlfriend, and maybe you can eventually be happy with him and still give up on sex. It is naturally possible to be happy, close and intimate and show love without the sex-thingy. Question is, if that arrangement will put you in a state of penduling between being happy to have him and being frustrated about not sharing sex. I would never agree to never have sex, but maybe for a period and talk about the arrangement when that period is over. 

Personally, I chose to live with an everyday-feeling of being sligthly rejected, an occasional depression due to not being desired/wanted by my love, a bit of a dissapointment/concern during the nice sex I do get (because there is a constant inner reminder that this is for my sake, even when it is good for her), a feeling of being a bit of a cry baby when I would like more, a loneliness (not quite "us against the world"), an irritating sexual itch that creeps up on me, ...but I still think my life without my ace-wife would be worse, since she is also the best for me and cannot be replaced.

See, its like you went into my head and typed out how i feel. Im feeling that fluctuation between being frustrated and happy im very back and forth. I definitely feel that feeling of "slight-rejection" and lonliness. But i also know that if i called it quits to look for someone with a sexual attraction that id deeply regret it and miss him

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