how is a romantic relationship different from an intense friendship

[tatomanifesto]

Im ace, and I think im a romantic, but i dont know what the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship is. like theres a similar closeness and a bond, and yea you could chose to share certain things with a romantic partner that you wouldnt with a friend but, what really draws the line? a need for intimacy?  i was in a long term romantic relationship but with distance, and i broke up with them because i didnt feel like i loved them like i should love a romantic partner but im not sure if im capable of feeling that type of love

[Homer]

I have asked the very same thing shortly after I joined. The only difference I can come up with is limerence.

 

Here's the discussion we had back then...

[Guest]

Loving someone romantically feels like true bliss. It's an amazing, euphoric, beautiful feeling and for me, causes a deep desire for an intimate sexual connection that I could never even consider with anyone else. For an ace, the intimate desires would be different, but they are still a LOT stronger than the types of desires most people have for friends (unless you're in love with you friend, which I've seen happen on AVEN when people say 'i feel the same way for my friend as others say they feel for their boyfriend, and i miss him so bad when he's not around and wish he would just cuddle me all day but he's often busy' etc etc.. that person has a mad romantic crush on their friend, that's why it feels the same, lol).

 

The downside of romantic love is the agony it can cause.. true, deep, soul-crushing agony. Sounds like I'm being dramatic but I would literally choose to go through another 46 hour labour like I did with my second daughter than go through another break-up, because being broken up with hurts like nothing i can explain and only someone who has actually been broken up with while they are deeply in love with that person can ever understand that pain. A relationship with a friend also doesn't really get to the 'break-up' point ever. You might drift apart, but there isn't this hard line where one partner loses the feelings they had and stands up and literally says "its over for us. We are done. I'm breaking up with you." ..I mean, maybe that happens sometimes in friendships sure but in my experience its more a slow drifting apart whereas with romantic love its literally one person just cuts it off then from that moment they COMPLETELY change towards you, even if they want to remain friends. It's So. Frikken. Weird. And intense, and so, so, so painful.

 

But loving someone romantically, and being loved romantically, feels so amazingly incredibly unendingly amazing that you keep going back for more despite the agonising pain you know you'll have to go through. I've been through withdrawal after 5 years of total alcohol dependence and withdrawing from love is harder and more painful than that.

 

That's what it feels like to be a true hopeless romantic, and hopefully that helped explain for you how romantic relationships are different from close friendship. (Though of course in the ideal world, your romantic partner is ALSO your absolute bestest buddy and side-kick and loving friend)

 

Here is a funny video of men experiencing labour pains (without the added pain of having an entire baby moving through your internal organs) to try to illustrate my point. I would choose this over a break-up, quite literally. Yet I still choose to love, despite knowing I may have to experience something more painful than what's happening in this video (and heartbreak lasts a LOT longer, I'm talking months to years that break-up pain can be experienced for. Not just a day or so like with labour) 

 

 

 

 

(also just a disclaimer, I don't speak for all romantics. This is just what it feels like for someone like me.. Regardless of how romantic one is though, there is generally always more pain associated with losing a romantic love interest than the slow moving apart of a friendship where romantic love was not involved) 

[Digs_Dead_People]

For me there isn't much difference.  The only difference is is that I can move on from friends easily whereas romantic relationships are harder to move on from.  I also want to be around my romantic interest more than I want to be around my friends.

[StormySky]

I suppose that there's a desire for kisses or other romantic gestures, which separates the 2 types of bonds. I suppose the lines are blurred, and it's different for different people.

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, StormySky said:

I suppose that there's a desire for kisses or other romantic gestures, which separates the 2 types of bonds. I suppose the lines are blurred, and it's different for different people.

Well there are very different feelings involved, and one set of feelings (the romantic ones) create a desire for heightened emotional and physical intimacy, if that makes sense?

[binary suns]

for me It's confusing for me I gotta say. but if I think to how I feel well - when I like someone romantically, I just feel differently towards them . not answering your question that :/ but it's emotional. to express my emotions really, well, we'd have to be in a relationship, heh and actually I guess that kind of is the thing really. it's different because the emotional "rules" are different. you're close in both relationships, but not in the same ways. well, speaking for myself of course.

 

I find a lot of things about relationships are true of relationships of all kinds tho. you gotta express boundries and respect them, and become close and trusting of some kind. have shared interest and closeness. these are any relationship, and the individual one has its own flavour.

[HonoraryJedi]

I was chasing these threads when I first joined, looking for an answer. And I think I have one in a way. Unfortunately, it is that experiences differ greatly. My own view has come to be that humans are complicated, and relationships are fluid things that don't always fit a structure.

 

I've heard both those saying that romantic and platonic affection are two entirely different emotions, you know if when you feel it, and those who say it is not much of a difference at all. FictoVore has explained the first version beautifully. My mother explains it more like the second. To her, there is the added sexual element, and a higher intensity to the emotions, but says the feelings of affection themselves are not really that difference. I think if you are asexual, and leaning more to my mother's experience with romantic feelings, it gets confusing. To some there is an obvious line, to some, there is not.

 

I don't even know where I am myself. I entered a romantic relationship with one of my friends, who I had a lot of affection for. One of my favourite people on this earth, and I soon felt it was wrong. I can't even point my finger on what the actual difference was, since long distance, not much changed practically. I still want closeness and emotional intimacy though. 

[CirrusClouds]

I recently discovered aromantism, and I believe I am aromantic. When I was with my ex-partner, I didn't have any romantic feelings, something I now realise caused the demise of that relationship. It took me three years to get over them, and I am still not sure if I am indeed over them. What made it so hard was not that I lost someone I called my "lover" but I lost my best friend.

[Starbogen]

21 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

I was chasing these threads when I first joined, looking for an answer. And I think I have one in a way. Unfortunately, it is that experiences differ greatly. My own view has come to be that humans are complicated, and relationships are fluid things that don't always fit a structure.

 

I've heard both those saying that romantic and platonic affection are two entirely different emotions, you know if when you feel it, and those who say it is not much of a difference at all. FictoVore has explained the first version beautifully. My mother explains it more like the second. To her, there is the added sexual element, and a higher intensity to the emotions, but says the feelings of affection themselves are not really that difference. I think if you are asexual, and leaning more to my mother's experience with romantic feelings, it gets confusing. To some there is an obvious line, to some, there is not.

 

I don't even know where I am myself. I entered a romantic relationship with one of my friends, who I had a lot of affection for. One of my favourite people on this earth, and I soon felt it was wrong. I can't even point my finger on what the actual difference was, since long distance, not much changed practically. I still want closeness and emotional intimacy though. 

Whoa I could have kind of written that myself, especially the part about the relationship with my friend that felt wrong.

Currently it's like we're clearly more than friends and I even refer to her as my girlfriend because of some things we "do" (and because that's we appear like to the outside world so it'd be too hard to explain otherwise), but we're both very aware it's not a romantic relationship because of the way we "feel" (or don't feel I suppose). The changes in what we did came later when we met in real life and I actually like those, I just didn't want things to be romantic and I knew that practically since we started whatever it was we started. 

 

So for me the difference has nothing to do with what most people would consider intimate actions because I've done all of those with my best friend who I'm very fond of but I still don't feel anything romantic for her... However, I'm not sure if I'm exactly aromantic because I've thought that I might be able to feel something more for someone I'm more attracted to in certain ways I can't explain, and I think that something more is a kind of infatuation that would might make me nervous to be around that person. And that sounds a lot more romance related to me than anything I've felt up until this point. So I guess for me the line, when it comes to feelings, starts to appear whenever passionate infatuation starts. 

 

However, I've found people attractive in the "way I can't explain" before, and had some infatuation, but never developed the kind of it that would involve wanting to be with them in any sort of way. It was like there was admiration but not desire, so I think a level of desire is also involved in this. I don't know if I didn't feel this way because it was people I didn't know and would never know though, like celebrities or fictional characters (though I've always found it weird when people are sad that someone they don't know and would never have a chance with is married.. I've never thought of being with those people in any way whatsoever so I never understood why that would matter) or if it has to do with not being as romantically inclined as most people.

 

in any case, I think what one sees as ideal is important too to determine where the line falls for you. For example I might be able to feel something a bit more on the romantic side under the right circumstances but my ideal relationship is still not a romantic relationship. It has elements of romance and to other people it might look romantic, but to me and my person it doesn't feel that way. My person on the other hand, originally wanted a romantic relationship even though she doesn't have romantic feelings because that was her ideal and she was interpreting her feelings as romantic. 

 

So yeah, it can be pretty complicated and it really seems like there is no set pattern or one answer that can fit everyone. 

[Guest]

 Like a friend but extra close and involves kissing,  cuddling,  and (for sexuals) sex, I suppose. I mean, I don't see that your lover shouldn't also be a good friend?

That said, I experience romantic feelings on a very low intensity, never been in a relationship, and tend to get "friend crushes" (squishes) most often. So I don't know tons about it. 

[Nirnroot]

If you're in a romantic relationship, they are what you think about most of the time and you want to kiss them. Like the kissing doesn't have to be sexy. A kiss is just a romantic thing, at least for me. 

Idk, man, that's the best way I can think to describe it.

[98slbrookes98]

Friendship: Shared activities and the occasional hug. Maybe sleeping side by side on occasion.

Romance: Kissing on the lips, cuddling, falling asleep side by side always, saying "I love you", holding hands, stroking their hair/face, flowers, chocolates, referring to them as boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, love letters/songs/poems, dancing, candlelit dinners.

[lunarmorgan]

I might be aro (still uncertain but definitely on the spectrum), but the only discernible difference from back when I thought I was romantic was the fact I was okay with physical contact. I'm pretty repulsed by physical interactions aside from like two people ever.