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So am I asexual?


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Hi, 

my life has sort of fallen to bits recently. I'm wondering if I'm asexual. I'd like to hear if my situation/feelings matches up with other asexual people as that's probably more accurate than tests. Or straight guys to tell me how I should be feeling if I'm straight 

please listen to everything I have to say because I really want an accurate opinion, coz it could be a big deal for me if I turn out I am asexual. 

so...

I'm 18 

male

I've never had an urge to have sex (at least I can't remember...) 

I'm still attracted to women but mainly aesthetic and romantic attraction I'd rather look at them than have sex, the most I want to do is feel. 

I don't feel anything from kissing besides it being relaxing sorta 

The only time I watch Porn is to see if helps improve my sex drive, I hate watching porn tbh. 

when I'm high or drunk I feel a lot hornier but again, It's more just touching and dancing with someone. 

If a girl is really hot I can still get a boner but I more fantasise just about feeling its not like I want to do anything with my penis. 

Recently, I've been wondering if this  low sex drive is because I'm gay but, after experimenting, that's defiantly not true. 

 

This issue has only surfaced after hitting 18 as a virgin. I always knew my sexual interests were different from others around me. 

 I always thought that sexual desires would come later but that doesn't look like its going to happen at this age.

I always knew sex didn't interest me as much as other people but I thought this was from 

I also try to train myself to get sexual urges like fantasising about sex but I have to force myself to do it.  

 

some background info...

I've been in and out of depression/anxiety since I hit puberty 

I'm pretty stressed out 

however, 

In 2015 I was completely mentally stable but still didn't have any sexual urges. 

I also started working out in that year and noticed the very low sex drive I did have decreased. 

 

 I hate to bring this up but I'm at a broken point in my life atm. 

I'm 18 and still a virgin :(( don't get it twisted. I am a very attractive dude, every girl I've met either wants to f*** me, develops a crush on me or at least admits I'm hot. 

However...I've never really acted on it. not sexually, if I'm into a girl I always go for social intimacy and romance, I always want to talk to them rather than get in bed with them. 

I used to have serve social anxiety, I got over it but I still have performance anxiety... I think?? 

that's what I always thought...I've been in bed with girls before who wanted to have a threesome. MOST AWKWARD THING IN MY LIFE HAHA.  I didn't know what to do or how to start things... I tried to start things because I don't believe in bitching it but it was just weird, and nothing ended up happening, I hate myself for that night. 

any situation involving girls, (when I'm sober) I always worry about how I'm kissing or even hugging lol 

 

so I always thought this low sex drive stuff was from anxiety and fear of messing up. no doubt anxiety surely plays a role but I'm starting to think maybe there's something bigger behind it.

Maybe I find i'm so anxious because there's no natural part of me that wants to commit. 

when it comes to sexual stuff, none of it comes naturally to me...so I try to look to other guys on how its supposed to be done...like its more of a procedure I guess. I It's all mainly social pressure that drives me to get with girls. however, when I'm drunk or really messed up I do get urges to feel, and hug and kiss...but when I do I never enjoy it, that part is probably anxiety.

 

I'm also aware that trying to figure out if I'm asexual is me desperately trying to find an excuse for still being a virgin. because I hate being a virgin at 18. 

However, the fact that I never think about sex, get urges or get excited by porn makes me think otherwise. 

so right now I'm thinking I'm asexual with performance anxiety stemming from not understanding sex? 

 

I'd really like to find out if this non existent sex drive is from being asexual or is it completely due to anxiety.

what am I?????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A lot of what you said reminds me of my own feelings. I'm not a man, so I was not under the same amount of pressure to lose my virginity by a certain age, so I can't speak to that factor for you, but it sounds to me from what you've described that you've had plenty of opportunities to have sex but something is "missing," namely the attraction to the other individual(s) as well as the desire to actually have sex. Therefore it does sound like you do not experience sexual attraction, which is the most basic way to describe an ace person. 

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everywhere and nowhere

There's nothing abnormal and nothing to be ashamed of about being sexually inexperienced at 18. It's pretty much average and in my opinion people who wait until they are sure about their feelings do better than those who start having sex at 15 or so. In fact - since, because of power imbalance, girls are more susceptible to pressure - too early sex is what feeds the very unfortunate phenomenon of people (first of all girls and women, but certainly not only them) having sex voluntarily, but without truly wanting it.

Don't have sex if you don't want to. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. There's nothing wrong either about being asexual or about being a virgin. Don't force yourself to do things you have no desire to do just to conform to social expectations. It's those who pressure other people who should change their behavior, not you.

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I'd recommend looking into why this obviously tortures you so much. You seem to attach a lot of importance to being a virgin at age 18. There must be a reason why that specific thing, expressed exactly like that, is so important to you. I can't guess at that because I don't know you, but the door to the chamber in which all your answers are hidden within your mind probably lies through the answer to this question: what, to me, is the big deal about "I'm a virgin at age 18?" What about it makes it so important that it comes up several times in your original post?

 

Best of success to you in dealing with how you feel.

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Welcome! :cake::cake::cake: In the end, no one can force you to take a label. It's your choice and descision to make on how you label yourself. As for the masturbation part, it doesn't really count as a sex drive in the first place, and more of just getting rid of an arousal for many. Anyway, it's perfectly fine to feel this way, and you shouldn't be anxious about performance, especially if you don't actually feel the need for sex in the first place.

Here are a few basic links, to help you understand the types of attraction and maybe clarify things for you.

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

http://life-of-an-asexual.tumblr.com/post/102762643654/desires-for-relations-based-on-types-of-attraction

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thanks for all the advice. 

As a guy, there's obviously a lot of pressure to loose your virginity. I've drifted apart from one of my closest friends coz he just sees me as a virgin now, which sucks. Besides, virgin guys have a pretty big rep for being weird, sad, shy etc... I really don't wanna be those things of course. In my year I'd say 50 percent of people are still virgins but I still hate it. It's because I feel like I'm wasting the fact that there's a lot of girls into me. I used to never take any risks, I used to just never try that was the worst time in my life and I don't wannabe that person again. 

I'm still sorta confused in my situation. 

I still want to have sex, just to see, maybe I'll like it, although I doubt it, but it's worth a shot

but I sort of want to let people around me know the reason to why I haven't had sex 

but...

if that gets out that I am asexual then no girl will ever want to sleep with me, or more Importantly get into a relationship. 

Being Asexual has some pretty negative stereotypes to follow along with it too but its mainly that it'll ruin my chances of a relationship. If I do get into a relationship I really wouldn't want to exclude sex.  

So I feel like its either I'm seen as a virgin 

or I'm seen asexual. 

I'm not sure I like being either of those. 

overall, I'm just so tired of people saying I need to 'hit on more girls ' I need to 'try harder' 'be more confident' when that's not really the reason. I am quiet and my self esteem is always low af lol but if I want something I still try and get it. 

Is there any medication that could increase my sex drive or make me want to have sex in the first place? could I just have a really low sex drive from mental illness? I thought being asexual just meant 0 attraction to anything, after doing some research I know that's not the case...I still find it hard to believe I could be asexual 

 

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Only you can decide what you are and how you identify and it's ok if it takes you time to do that. It's taken me a few years, some people much, much longer, and some no time at all. Everyone's experience is different. I do want to assure you, though, that coming out as ace does not mean that you will be unable to find a girlfriend/partner who understands and accepts this. There are plenty of aces (many on this site whose discussions regarding their relationships are in other sections in the forums) who have relationships with other asexual or allosexual people. There are ace dating websites and meetups that help ace people meet each other, and this may sound crazy but you might one day meet someone (if you haven't already) who openly identifies as ace. I was in a mall store a few months ago with an allosexual couple with whom I'm friends, and they were flirting with a store employee. Eventually, they offered her their phone numbers with the understanding that they were both interested in her sexually (they're somewhat open) and she responded "Actually, I'm ace. But I'd love to hang out!" For me, that was the first time a stranger identified as ace to me (and to my two friends, obviously). Right now it's probably more likely that you'd meet someone on-line who's either ace or not ace willing to date an ace person with the understanding that there will be little to no sex. 

 

I'm sorry that you're looked down upon by friends/peers for being a virgin. I understand that this is especially hard for boys and I can see why you're conflicted about wanting to come out so they won't think "less" of you but not wanting to commit to a label. I wish I could offer more advice in that department. The good news is that you can identify as ace and still want to try having sex - and maybe even after that want to continue having sex. The good news is that whatever works for you is ok. 

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I  can understand feeling like you are missing out on something, but are you, really? Some asexuals end up trying sex for whatever reason and just realizing that they wasted their time having an unpleasant experience. This is about who you really are, not about what everyone else wants you to be. The only way to have a chance at a good life is to be who you really are even if other people don't like it. But avoid internalizing other people's expectations and starting to want from yourself what other people want from you. They don't care about you. They just want to get what they want from you, for themselves, not for you. If you internalize what they want from you then you're forcing yourself to want for them what they want from you without it doing you any good, and with it even doing you harm. Maybe you aren't just a faceless number, just another clone of everybody else who is identical to everybody else. If that's the case, then don't force yourself to think and live like people who are different from you, because it will only make you unhappy.

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