I am sexual - he is asexual

[Veroorev]

Hello,

 

First of all, sorry for my English, but I did not find any website in French about this subject.

 

I am new on this forum and I am glad I've discovered it, it helps me understand a lot about my  relation with my husband. I am with my husband for more than 35 years and I love him. I like sex as I see it as a way to share. My boyfriend was not interested by sex since the beginning of our relation but as I was deeply in love I did not want to see it. In our first years together we made love but it was never something pleasant, neither for him nor for me. We had sex occasionally (once a month or every two months and then, about 5 to 6 years ago, he has decided that he would no longer have sex. He is also not a person willing to come near physically but I know he loves me. Now I am suffering the hell about this situation and do not know what to do. Before I read this website, I did not now that asexual would exist and I took it really personally and thought he did not love me anymore - or never loved me. When I want to discuss about this with him he closes down, and leaves, no communication possible.

I have a question though, we need to respect asexual and accept that they do not want to have sex, OK but what about us the sexual people who just have nothing ? I accept - I am not sure the work accept is the correct one -  this situation for many years, meaning we do what HE wants, but what about me ? Why is it OK that our needs are not fulfilled ? I need help because I am totally depressed and he told me that he would never change and if I leave him he would just stop working... Just for information, he is depressive as well. My life is a real misery and I wish I had never met him.... what shall I do ? Please help

[banoffeepie]

Salut

 

I have just split up with my wife in France. Our situation was identical to yours. The problem is with us asexuals is that we maybe don't really understand the fundamental requirement for having sex in our sexual partners. We just say 'well why can't she just masturbate and stop pressuring me?.'

Your desire to separate is really saying 'I want to have sex with someone else' which makes you feel guilty I guess. All I can do is share my experience, my wife decided to leave and the pain and hurt was very short-lived in my case and I'm now in a great place and so is she (elle a recontré quelqu'un sur Meetic tout de suite et elle est vraiment contente.) So a break up can be the ideal solution. Don't be blackmailed by pitying him and his threats, I'm sure he does love you but he could be much happier without the stress of feeling inadequate. You only have one life, don't live it in torture.

 

 

 

http://fr.asexuality.org/

[chair jockey]

I disagree that the original poster is saying they want to have sex with someone else. They obviously want to have sex with their husband, and for it to be good sex as they understand good sex. But it's a bit like wanting a cat to sing a duet with you. The cat can try to vocalize in harmony with you, but it can't sing. It's a cat! And that's no different from other tragic situations people find themselves in...except that it is different. Proper information and education about asexuality back when the original poster was starting a relationship with their husband might have led both of them to understand how difficult things would be for them if they got married. Sadly, that information and education was not available because of generalized social pressure to "find love." This pressure is GENERAL and does not take individual differences into account. The original poster and her husband are really victims of being treated like just a number, just an anonymous, faceless person in a mass of anonymous, faceless people who are treated as all identical. Those who train ALL kids to "want love" and to "expect love" do not take individual differences into account. And I have my own theories as to why things are done that way, but I don't want to repeat them here.

 

To the original poster: the thing for both you and your husband to realize is that you are not just a number, not faceless and the same as everybody else. You are real people who have a right to believe and feel what is right for YOU to believe and feel. And right now it appears that you believe and feel the one-size-fits-all things that you were taught to believe and feel when you were a little kid, and that other people around you put pressure on you to believe and feel because they were taught those things too. Try using a little trick I read about when I was a kid. Get a little notebook and start writing down the things you believe and feel, one by one. Be adult and write down the things that you really consider important and not the less important ones. That could require some thinking. Then go through the list and think carefully about each item on the list. Ask yourself if that item is really you, really something that makes sense for you, or just something you were taught when you were young and people around you expect and pressure you to believe and feel. Chances are you'll find several things that are not you, that do not fit your uniqueness. And if you end up having to throw the whole book in the garbage and start over again to adopt brand new beliefs and brand new feelings, that can be the healthiest thing that can happen to a person.

[Was here]

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[chair jockey]

57 minutes ago, (D)anny said:

I'm not asexual, but I agree with that tbh.

Masturbation is not a substitute for partnered sex. It's a completely separate and distinct activity, which may or may not even be sexual! If you've had partnered sex, you know that there are a million differences between masturbation and partnered sex--the level of physical effort required, body position and adjustment to body position, fluids and odors and sources of temperature variation, feedback from the partner on the activity, satisfying the social instinct, making a sexual connection, and of course the nature of the physical stimulation involved in friction upon the organs and other body parts involved. This false idea that masturbation is somehow a substitute for partnered sex is based on the misconception that the purpose of partnered sex is ejaculation. With sex for the sole purpose of conceiving a child this might be the case, but not with recreational sex, and not even with loving sex between two committed people who happen to want a child together. Also, while men tend to seek physical sexual stimulation because of a compulsion to ejaculate, women can and often do have different motivations for having sex, and both sexes have totally different needs met and wants satisfied by partnered sex and masturbation.

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, (D)anny said:

I'm not asexual, but I agree with that tbh.

How does 'I don't want to talk with you ever again, why can't you be satisfied with going off and muttering to yourself?' sound to you?

[Telecaster68]

Quote

OK but what about us the sexual people who just have nothing ? I accept - I am not sure the work accept is the correct one -  this situation for many years, meaning we do what HE wants, but what about me ? Why is it OK that our needs are not fulfilled ?

Yep, it feels like that, particularly when our asexual partners seem oblivious to the effect it has. Many aren't, and are able to have some kind of sexual activity, even if it's not of the same kind of frequency their partners would like.

 

Quote

he told me that he would never change and if I leave him he would just stop working... Just for information, he is depressive as well. My life is a real misery and I wish I had never met him.... what shall I do ?

You clearly still care about him, but you can't be entirely responsible for him. Depression is really tough, and one of the ways is that it removes your motivation for doing anything, including finding a solution - but you can't do that for him. It's just not possible. So you can't be responsible for how he reacts. One practical solution might be to move out, and split up and stay friends, so you can be supportive of him.

 

Or... take a lover.

[RottenInDenmark]

5 hours ago, Veroorev said:

I have a question though, we need to respect asexual and accept that they do not want to have sex, OK but what about us the sexual people who just have nothing ? I accept - I am not sure the work accept is the correct one -  this situation for many years, meaning we do what HE wants, but what about me ? Why is it OK that our needs are not fulfilled ? I need help because I am totally depressed and he told me that he would never change and if I leave him he would just stop working... Just for information, he is depressive as well. My life is a real misery and I wish I had never met him.... what shall I do ? Please help

pew.. um this is a conundrum and properly not the best to give advice but let me just say,...  I think it's good' you took time to try understanding your husband.  Of course you need to think of your' happiness as well. Sometimes it can seem like 'someone has to 'give in', to the other persons demands. but maybe communication is what is needed? Your husband seemed to care about you, that he was' willing to have sex with you. To understand you have needs too, don't take it as him denying you sex, or not' caring about your needs. Your husband sounds like he's not into doing sex at all, even if, it was "good' sex". I don't think it would be different. 

There Is a difference on sex and desire someone emotionally, and it sounds like he don't want to loose you. But if you are miserable and you can't talk about it, it's not fair of him to hold on to you. 

- I guess it kinda go both ways,  sexual/Asexual, you can't force someone to be something they are not.

(you can force the horse to the water, but you can't force the horse to drink) 

But.. Try talking with him, even if he doesn't want to. Sometimes it's importing how you start these conversations.

Be open and Ask each other, 'what would make you happy? Are you happy? What are you willing to do to make the other one happy? compromise?

Like you can ask yourself, how much ''need'' for sex do you have? Do you desire just sex'? or good sex with your husband?

[roland.o]

Hello Veroorev, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake!  :-)

 

As others have already given better advice than I could, I only want to stress this point:

8 hours ago, Veroorev said:

he told me that he would never change and if I leave him he would just stop working

He's trying to guilt-trip you. Don't let that pass. Confront him about it. If you should decide to walk away from this relationship, it is not your responsibility what he does afterwards. A relationship is a mutual arrangement, in which both partner's needs and desires are equally valid. And if two people cannot find a way to match their mutual needs and desires, a split-up is the natural conclusion. You do not have any obligation to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable.

You're there, you're trying to make this work, and he's got the chance to do the same. If he even refuses communication, then he doesn't hold up his end of the relationship. It won't be your fault if it fails because of that.

[Was here]

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[Telecaster68]

Quote

all I meant was that someone can just masturbate if their partner doesn't wanna have sex, that doesn't mean they should leave them.

But sexuals can't just masturbate. It's not the same. It's like trying to have a conversation by yourself.

 

Quote

I guess I just don't really care when it comes to it and I don't really see why other people take it so seriously.

That comes across clearly as 'I don't care about your needs'.

[Was here]

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[banoffeepie]

4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

That comes across clearly as 'I don't care about your needs'.

If someone replies ' Jesus, no need to get so mad' then they are feeling attacked. That's not nice, the subsequent 'I don't really care' was brought on by that reply.

[Telecaster68]

That's not how I read it. And saying 'why can't they just masturbate' is attacking sexuals' needs.

[MrDane]

Take our words for it! Masturbation is not partnered sex. What we, sexuals, want is nice sex with a person who also thinks it is nice. Perhaps the ace do not need it, crave it, desire it, long for it, but quite important to have a mutual good experience, even though the ace may enjoy the giving enjoyment to the sexual more than the aces own enjoyment of receiving the sex. 

 

If it was just about being to lazy to spank the monkey on your own, then there wouldnt really be a serious, relationship problem.

 

 

[Homer]

2 hours ago, (D)anny said:

okay i'm done here if i'm just gonna get misinterpreted. if i had a partner, i'd care about their needs, but for other people, it just seemed like a simple solution to me. masturbation seems like enough for me (personally), but I've never done it because of what i have.

Did you ever go to a restaurant? If yes, why? You could just as well have had a can of microwaved ravioli. Would have stuffed you for a while, wouldn't it?

 

Imagine an activity you like to do, then imagine someone telling you "Here's a picture of a person performing [your much liked activity]; that should do the trick."

 

It just doesn't work like that.

[Was here]

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[Homer]

Does it always work like that for you?

 

Is it always enough to look at a picture of your favourite food? Are you fine with someone giving you the sheets for your favourite song, but you never get to actually hear it? Is it okay for you to only ever text with your best friend, without ever actually speaking to them? Is it enough for you to read a summary about that movie you really want to see?

 

Genuine question.

[Treesarepretty]

On 9/12/2017 at 1:34 AM, Veroorev said:

I need help because I am totally depressed and he told me that he would never change and if I leave him he would just stop working... Just for information, he is depressive as well. 

If you both suffer from clinical depression then you need psychiatric help, no matter what else happens. Staying together or devorcing won't solve a serious medical problem. Otherwise, this sounds like him trying to guilt trip you into staying, which is very mean of him. 

 

On 9/12/2017 at 1:34 AM, Veroorev said:

My life is a real misery and I wish I had never met him.... what shall I do ? Please help

My first thought is that you should buy him some Prozac and leave his ass because you use words like "misery" and "hell" to describe your relationship. That is not good. If you are being accurate with us then he is causing you pain and has no intention of stopping. On the other side, your need for sex could be causing him pain that you, also, will not stop. @Telecaster68's suggestion to take a lover could only work if BOTH you and your husband are okay with it. The fact that your husband refuses to even talk about sex makes it seem like that probably won't be okay, but you may still want to try bringing it up since you are clearly ready to leave anyway. 

 

I like @chair jockey's suggestion that you keep a journal where you list the things that are important to you. I think it may also be helpful to add a list of the things you love about your husband so that you can compare the two lists. That may help you come to the conclusion that you really value him and are glad you met him and married him. It could also lead you to the conclusion that he is not the man for you. 35 years in is a long time, but it is better to realize this late than to never realize it at all. Make sure you compare being with your husband to being single, rather than being with a hypothetical lover. Hypothetical lovers are imaginary and often not an accurate reflection of the real people you may meet and be able to date or marry. 

 

Good luck, and have some  . 

[Was here]

,

[Was here]

I'm sorry for posting on this thread. Please forget about it and leave me alone, you're right, I looked like a jerk, and I'm sorry. I just can't relate to most sexuals despite being one and when I posted what I did I didn't think anyone would get offended by it.

[MegMcL]

My husband actively pursued me and insisted he wanted a physical relationship although he  has failed on all but one occasion to provide one. He has made me feel that I am at fault. That somehow I am “oversexed” rather than him being disinterested. He has rejected me physically and made me feel humiliated and worthless. When I finally cracked and begged him to get help he went twice then stopped as he didn’t agree with the therapist !

He agreed to try marriage counselling but doesn’t see there is a problem. He admitted that he has never found the need for physical relations but enjoys the chase of finding a sexual partner. He finally disclosed that lack of sex was the cause of his first marriage breaking down - not what he originally told me at all. At the counsellor’s suggestion he agreed to try couples therapy which is supposed to lead to a healthy sexual relationship. I just stopped it there. I told both him and the counsellor that I amnot a crash dummy for him to practice techniques on. What I want and need is a loving partnership that includes mutually fulfilling sex but he cannot provide that. I fully understand now that his orientation is what it is. What I cannot understand is why he felt the need to pursue me? There was no need we had been friends and I certainly gave no signals that I wanted anything more. He says he doesn’t want me to leave and I have stayed but he has no idea of how this affects me mentally . I have no respect for him any more and no love for someone who has treated me so selfishly. He didn’t respect me enough to explain his needs or lack of them and give me the choice of whether this was what I could live with. He always had a reason not to have sex and made me feel bad for trying to discuss it. He said he had physical problems but subsequent visits to the doctor and tests have shown there is no physical barrier to him having sexual just an emotional one. 

Every day I weigh up if I should stay or leave. Every day I stay I feel less of a person 

[Valentine18]

MegMcL - Don't let him control how you feel about yourself!  You need to have self-respect and do what is necessary to take care of yourself and make yourself happy.  I'm on this same path myself, trying to figure out if I can make my current relationship work in any way or if I just have to get out.  But as you said, his orientation is what it is, you can't change it so unless you can work around it, your relationship probably isn't going to work.  As the sexual person in my marriage I understand completely how you feel he is selfish, doesn't respect you and your needs, and manages to make this your fault.  The thing is, your orientations aren't a choice, they just are what they are.   He can't control his any more than you can control yours, but the resentment, anger, and misery is only going to get worse if he isn't willing to work with you.  You can only suppress your needs for so long.  I have no suggestion as to why he would pursue you if he already knew he wasn't interested in sex, unless maybe he thought he just hadn't found the right person and you were it.  Or, from your comment, he might use the chase and conquest as an ego boost, in which case he doesn't sound like the greatest guy!  Best of luck figuring this out, you aren't alone out there!

[Telecaster68]

8 hours ago, MegMcL said:

My husband actively pursued me and insisted he wanted a physical relationship although he  has failed on all but one occasion to provide one. He has made me feel that I am at fault. That somehow I am “oversexed” rather than him being disinterested. He has rejected me physically and made me feel humiliated and worthless. When I finally cracked and begged him to get help he went twice then stopped as he didn’t agree with the therapist !

He agreed to try marriage counselling but doesn’t see there is a problem. He admitted that he has never found the need for physical relations but enjoys the chase of finding a sexual partner. He finally disclosed that lack of sex was the cause of his first marriage breaking down - not what he originally told me at all. At the counsellor’s suggestion he agreed to try couples therapy which is supposed to lead to a healthy sexual relationship. I just stopped it there. I told both him and the counsellor that I amnot a crash dummy for him to practice techniques on. What I want and need is a loving partnership that includes mutually fulfilling sex but he cannot provide that. I fully understand now that his orientation is what it is. What I cannot understand is why he felt the need to pursue me? There was no need we had been friends and I certainly gave no signals that I wanted anything more. He says he doesn’t want me to leave and I have stayed but he has no idea of how this affects me mentally . I have no respect for him any more and no love for someone who has treated me so selfishly. He didn’t respect me enough to explain his needs or lack of them and give me the choice of whether this was what I could live with. He always had a reason not to have sex and made me feel bad for trying to discuss it. He said he had physical problems but subsequent visits to the doctor and tests have shown there is no physical barrier to him having sexual just an emotional one. 

Every day I weigh up if I should stay or leave. Every day I stay I feel less of a person 

He lied to you about something fundamental to your relationship and refuses even try to do anything to alleviate your misery. It's not going to get better and you're probably going to have to end the relationship for your own sanity.

[Nidwin]

@MegMcL

 

You need to dump that jerk and do it the hard way. He tricked and used you while being very well aware of his lack of sexual interrest. He even tried to put the blame on you while he's the one guilty at charge.

 

And make sure to tell everyone on your way out of this relation, what kind of an asshole he is, please.

 

[Treesarepretty]

@MegMcL, I have to agree with what everyone else has said, but would like to do so even more strongly. It seems to me like you are telling us that you are going to leave him. Go and do it already. 

 

[Jsmith]

I am in the same situation. He does not realize that I don't just want sex. To me sex is a connection for a couple. It's a way to show him how much I truly care and give him the most I can give. It's the intimacy. The touching and kissing and caressing. He thinks it's dumb and like your husband has recently told me he hates sex and he's fine without it.

But like you said.....what about my needs? He gets what he wants and needs but I'm left with feeling lonely and hideous and undesired. It's affected my self esteem horribly and I do not care how I look anymore. I no longer gets dressed up when we go out or try to do my makeup or hair. What's the point if my partner does not care about that part of me.

[Treesarepretty]

57 minutes ago, Jsmith said:

I am in the same situation. He does not realize that I don't just want sex. To me sex is a connection for a couple. It's a way to show him how much I truly care and give him the most I can give. It's the intimacy. The touching and kissing and caressing. He thinks it's dumb and like your husband has recently told me he hates sex and he's fine without it.

But like you said.....what about my needs? He gets what he wants and needs but I'm left with feeling lonely and hideous and undesired. It's affected my self esteem horribly and I do not care how I look anymore. I no longer gets dressed up when we go out or try to do my makeup or hair. What's the point if my partner does not care about that part of me.

*hugs*  

 

One of my friends who was in a marriage with someone who didn't fill her needs, and to whom I had talked about my own marriage, told me that it is important to (1) compartmentalize and (2) get lots of excersize to keep my spirits up.

 

I don't know if you put excersize in the "vanity" category or the "health" category, but I have found that it does help me feel better both physically and emotionally. Good luck. 

[Jsmith]

1 hour ago, Treesarepretty said:

*hugs*  

 

One of my friends who was in a marriage with someone who didn't fill her needs, and to whom I had talked about my own marriage, told me that it is important to (1) compartmentalize and (2) get lots of excersize to keep my spirits up.

 

I don't know if you put excersize in the "vanity" category or the "health" category, but I have found that it does help me feel better both physically and emotionally. Good luck. 

Thank you for the advice. I have just started my gym membership after taking time off with my pregnancy and another year of pure exhaustion with 3 kids. You helped motivate me to get moving again. 

[Treesarepretty]

2 hours ago, Jsmith said:

Thank you for the advice. I have just started my gym membership after taking time off with my pregnancy and another year of pure exhaustion with 3 kids. You helped motivate me to get moving again. 

I found that for me the main problem was scheduling it since my wife doesn't like to excercise and the only time I have away from her I spend at work or doing chores. I started excercising when we were both at home but she was in a different room. I manage to get quite a bit in, but it has to be a few minutes at a time.