Any help? I think I might be asexual

[prettydarncoolperson]

Hi, all!

 

So, funny story. All my life I've thought of myself as straight, because I've always loved women. However, I've just never had interest in the act of sex itself.

 

However, things began to change when I first watched Bojack Horseman, which included an ace character named Todd, and I read some blog posts by aces who were pumped to see positive representation. Ironically, nothing clicked in myself, yet. I'm writing a novel and wanted to include sexual diversity, and seeing how aces seemed to be underrepresented thought it'd be nice to make one of my main characters one. As I (thought I) knew nothing about the asexual experience, I began doing tons of research and reading testimonies to make sure my character would be respectful. However, I faced a bit of a sucker punch as I realized that I actually really related to a ton of these.

 

Todd and the few aces I had known in real life had an aversion to things like sex, kissing, and even relationships, so I had always thought that asexuals generally had no interest in relationships or sexual activities. I myself on the other hand have always loved women and  kissing, physical touch, etc, but I was just neutral about sex - I'd happily do it to make an SO happy but didn't care much about it myself. I thought to be an ace meant to recoil at the idea of kissing, intimate touch, and sex, and not just a mild disinterest.

 

So upon doing research, I of course found that asexual is a huge blanket term and has tons of variations, and that aces don't necessarily hate sex, and that they can enjoy kissing, physical intimacy, and even be attracted to specific (or several) genders. I was surprised to find that a lot of things typical for aces could be seen in me as well: I am very attracted to women, I've never been interested in men, but I don't care much about sex, and I've never had an urge to masturbate. For a long time I thought I was just weird, and while I was never really bothered by it, I felt like something melted in me in relief upon learning about asexuality. I could actually relate to this! I wasn't just some anomaly! There are others like me!

 

However, I'm not 100% sure if I'm asexual, though, which is why I'm trying to ask for advice. Typically I've found the definition of being an ace is that one doesn't experience sexual attraction. However, I definitely went through puberty, and find many women attractive or hot. I'm more romantic than lust-based, but I still definitely experience it. And I have some funny (and slightly weird) fetishes, though nothing concerning sex or genitals specifically. And I can still get aroused at stuff like kissing and loving physical touch. So, does this stuff count as sexual attraction? Because it sounds like it to me. However, on the other hand, I've seen several asexual people claim that they have fetishes, and many asexual testimonies I read rang very true to my life and my own experiences, and I felt like stuff began making sense. 

 

I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has, as I'm just starting to grasp this part of my identity and have little experience with it. Can I still be asexual if I feel physically attracted to women in general (not just individuals, a la demisexuals) , and if I can get aroused at activities like kissing? Any help would be greatly appreciated, and thanks a ton.

[Apathetic Echidna]

Welcome! I have put myself under the term grayasexual because sexuality is complex ^{(and I still have very little clue!)}. There are plenty of lists and discussions around sexual orientations, but ultimately it is up to you to find what term you like to suit you best. 

I can relate to what you say about physical activities, I seem to have a very picky reactive sexual attraction, but then I have read aces talking about pleasurable physical activities ^{so who knows?} 

I'm glad to have been no help, here have some cake 

[prettydarncoolperson]

Hey! Thanks for the welcome. And the cake.

 

Yeah, it does seem to be a little bit defined by the person who identifies as it, which can make the term itself a little hard to pin down. I guess I'm just trying to get a feel for what exactly "asexual" means. I didn't know there'd be all these other terms and varieties, so it's pretty interesting. It's just a little confusing for me because all my life (I'm 24) I'd considered myself to be straight, and this is the first time I've ever considered that I may actually fit better into another category. 

[EggplantWitch]

Something that might, or might not, help is understanding that aesthetic, sensual and sexual attraction are all different things, and while for a lot of allosexuals they all roll into one the fact that aces don't feel the latter means they get separated out for us. Aesthetic attraction is best described as that feeling you get when you see a beautiful painting or a gorgeous view, a kind of 'ooh, wow!' that you can get for people too. You don't want to do anything with them, you just want to look at them because they're pretty! Sensual attraction is a desire to be physically close, to touch, hug, kiss, but not sexually (I guess it's the kind of stuff you could do in public and no one would bat an eyelid). And then there's sexual attraction, which is seeing someone, whether you know them or not, and wanting to have sex with them, or wondering what it would be like. Not strictly the same as being aroused by them, since our bodies react whether our brains want them to or not. Or so I've been told. I'm very definitely ace so I don't fully understand it myself. There's a pretty good chart that gets thrown around these parts, but I unfortunately don't have the time to track it down right now.

 

It could be that you're ace, or under the umbrella somewhere like gray-asexual, or it could be that you're straight but with a low libido. At the end of the day it's about what words are useful to you, rather than what words are completely and 100% accurate. You're certainly welcome to stay and have a wander around AVEN for as long as you like!

 

(oh, and here:  )

[Lichley]

Welcome!   You definitely sound like you fit under the ace umbrella, but it's not our place to say where, that's for you to,figure out. In the mean time, enjoy some cake, and the company of like-minded people having conversations about sex on the internet. 

[Telecaster68]

Quote

And then there's sexual attraction, which is seeing someone, whether you know them or not, and wanting to have sex with them, or wondering what it would be like.

Occasionally it's seeing someone, but for most sexuals, most of the time, it's not purely visual, and we don't want to have sex with someone on sight. Some sexuals don't care about appearances at all, some - on the other extreme - care only about appearances. But for most people, most of the time, it's a combination of appearance and character, and whether there's a connection there, which means it's not just looks. Personally visuals only work for me the other way round: looks can make me think I'd never want to have sex with that person (though sometimes that changes when I get to know them), but they're only a first impression.