Another human seeking advice

[Blazie]

'Dear whoever is reading this,

 

I am almost 23 years, female, heterosexual (I think). I hope that someone out there has some advice for me.

 

I never had a serious relationship. Whenever I thought I had something going for me I was abandoned, like a product taken out of a shelf, tested and tried but given the label 'not for me'. 

In my teenage years, I had a few crushes but nothing serious. I desperately fell in love with my best friend back then, but I do not know if that was a simple romantic attraction. He was a nice, average boy and to this day I think I have ever loved someone as much as him. After telling him I liked him we stayed friends and the following year was made of tears and frustrations, me dealing with depression and all that comes to it as well as rejection everywhere I went. I thought I was over him, with friends asking if I was over him and me responding with a 'sure, definitely'. In retrospect- I was not. And I believe that is the only time I was truly loving someone. I cannot remember me actually wanting sexual contact- I wanted to be held, told that I mattered, that I was okay the way I was. I abandoned all contact after prom, where he humiliated me in front of his friends and I have not regretted it since. I still miss him, of course.

I went to uni and had my first contact with boys in freshers week. The boy was sweet and in retrospect a nice guy, but he forced my first kiss (he did not know it was my first kiss and even as a feminist I have to say I kind of lead him on to believe I wanted it so I forgave him for this over the years). I did not enjoy kissing him, besides the fact that I felt as if I belonged to someone.

A year went by and I was making out at a party with another guy. He kissed me when I was drunk and I was so excited, because finally someone found me attractive enough to spend time with me. But he did not want any contact afterwards, even after I invited him over to - basically - have sex. I think I did it to finally lose my virginity and since I had hit it off with him I felt as if it was a good idea. Man I can tell you I was devasted. Who does not agree to such an invitation? People who nurture my understanding of myself as an unattractive beast. 

The first years of uni are always messy. So many new identities to try on. Still, I never found mine. I am afraid to go to a therapist. Most of the time, I hate myself with a raging passion and it makes more sense than believing in myself. Everyone acts as if I was a monster, then who would argue against it? I had a date with a boy I got on well with and we kissed. Thinking back, I actually liked his company. And he was the only one of my experienced who did not only wanted to get into my pants. But he abandoned me after he heard that I had talked to some mutual friends about it. That still hurts. I got better when I joined the scouts (the organisation here in Germany is different than what you might have heard from the US. It's amazing. Friendships and a way of life that sets you free, all of a sudden. The prude in me was suddenly very relaxed after the first conversation of how good the last poo was. Cringy? Yes. But also very delibareting). But still people rejected me.

I had a kind-of-relationship for five months. But all he wanted was sex and all I wanted to do was be with him. Be acknowledged and held. He never even stayed the night, he was not there for me when I was low. He came over if convenient and I never slept with him because he treated me like shit. But also because I never felt the urge to do so. If we made out it was nice and all but if it went further it felt as if I was following a script. Something I had to do. What was expected of me? We went exlusive, but were still in a non-commited relationship. It hurts to even think about it. Why did he stay with me for five months, not commiting, a simple fuckboy who never got the sex he wanted? To this day I want to know. Did he actually like me? No. Or did he? He once said 'I think you're never going to sleep with me'. That hit my very core. I ended things after almost sleeping with him, more or less out of obligation. I wanted to get it over with. But nothing but oral sex, unsatisfying nevertheless, happened. While being with him two friends of me came forward to declare their love to me. Making sexual advances. I could not deal with it and it was horrible but the friendships broke apart over it. Because both manipulated me emotionally with the phrase "he treats you badly, I treat you well. Do not complain to me over it anymore, then".

Another friend at that time was like the perfect match for me. Everyone said so. I liked him soooo much. I liked his presence, I liked his voice, I liked his hugs. But one night we were at a bar and I got drunk. He went home early but when I wanted to get home he came to get me (we live in a small college town) and we watched another episode of Gravity Falls. We cuddled and it was awkward for me, though I liked him. He nibbled at my ear and he said something but I never got to know what. I fled the scene shortly afterwards, too intimidated and confused. To get over him I kissed him once- and liked it- but I did not voice that because I was already involved in something else. I had a short episode last year with someone from the scouts who I think I was actually in love with. He came over a lot. We cuddled, he stayed over. We never kissed. And I wanted to kiss him- but I never actually wanted to have sex with him (or so I think). Turned out he did not like me back, though touching my boobs and acting like being in a relationship was really the way to show it. It crushed me and I turned to drugs to let it all go. My depression reached an all time high last winter after I cut contact with him. I was high all the time, medicating myself to forget the pain of not belonging. My best friend back then was my comfort person. I loved him so much. He made me feel better about myself. But then we got drunk one night and he kissed me. It felt right, as if I was coming home. I knew he was going to reject me. I cried, I hid and another friend came looking for me because I had not answered when my best friend was calling out for me. We spend the night with each other then and he said he always thought I was beautiful and that he liked me. We spend the next day with each other. Each night he told me he wanted us to lose our virginity to each other. I told him no because we could not lead our troop together if anything serious happened. All I wanted was his touch. His embrace. The warmth. I did not want to sleep with him. Though this was the first time ever I actually enjoyed kissing someone. I cannot describe it other than the feeling of belonging. Three days after he said he did not want a relationship with me and since I was leaning towards that conclusion we should not start anything with each other.

I have many crushes. I can count all the boys I ever kissed on one hand. But all the boys I ever liked were like this fantasy, someone who would tell me I am right the way I am. I just always thought that sex was a normal thing to do then. Even if I prefered the company. I have no problem of having sex with someone I love even if it gives me not as much pleasure as the other one. Most of the time I am living in my head. I imagine having a realtionship with fictional characters because it seems to be so much easier. I have sex with them in my imagination, the whole package of course. But in real life I have never gone through with it. Even though that one boy I was in a relationship with was basically the picture of my type.

How did I come to believe I should post this on here?

Recently I developed a crush on my other co-leader. Everyone knew before I knew. He rejected me before I even knew about this mere crush. We went to my sister's prom together and he was a perfect gentleman, playing my boyfriend (he's very good looking, I can tell you). Though it makes me insecure that all of my friends always act very surprised when they see my sister and they go "WOW! You never told me your sister is this hot!" (direct quote). Whenever I see this friend I do not want him to go. I feel so good when he is there, so warm and fuzzy inside. I want him to hold me, but I do not actually want to have sex with him. I want to marry him though. I always want him to be there for me, even though we would head butt all the time. I feel as if he would be perfect for me. We have similar morales, similar images of our futures and marriages. But he constantly rejects me because (I think) he is afraid of me liking him. But this crush only developed after my friends pointed this out to me. God I am a hopeless case. Every time I like someone it just burns to the ground. I do not trust people anymore. My friendships are always only temporary. I must sound like a huge loser. But all I actually want is to belong to someone, is that so weird?

I really do not know what to know or what to feel. I am not sure if I fall into the asexual spectrum? I never thought of it before this serious, though I think it a possibility. I wish those depressing thoughts went away. I wish I was just a normal person or not a person at all. I know this is just a rant, all over the place and please excuse my grammar I am a little tipsy and this is the first time reaching out to the internet this way. I do not think of myself as totally ugly. It is just the way people suggest what I am- I am experienced with makeup, love to get ready and take care of myself. I am not stupid. i have so many interests. i just do not know what I am doing wrong. I can try as hard as I try, but people just won't except me. I feel as if people do not see me as a sexual being or even a possibilty. A little as if I was a doll to be kicked around.

I just want to find out what's wrong with me. do I maybe unconsciously tell people I do not want sex and that is why I am rejected? Is that even a possibility?

I am so close to giving up. I just want to cut all contact to everyone and buy a house in the middle of nowhere. But I guess that is just a stupid way of running away.

I would gladly hear from anyone who has advice or felt even a little bit like me. Sorry that this is all over the place I cannot cope right now.

[Star Bit]

Paragraphs please?

[Galactic Turtle]

Um... well that's a lot to process. Nevertheless you sound like a more successful version of one of my friends in particular. I say successful because from your accounts it seems like not only do you interact with a lot of men, but it seems like all of them end up liking you in some way.

 

Anywho, kind of like my friend (we're also 23, by the way) she has this very vivid notion of what having a boyfriend is like. We're both fans of Korean pop music and almost every single day she'll send me a picture of a male singer who's legitimately just standing there and rant for five minutes about he's such "#boyfriendmaterial." When she has a crush on a boy (which before she started liking one K-pop group in particular kind of went in... semester and a half long cycles) she'd fall deep. Like... stalking him around campus deep... but also failing miserably every trying to talk to her target of affections which is again why I say you're more successful than she has been. XD

 

She does not have a history of depression but she does have a history of having low self esteem and is very emotional. She gets anxious easily. Whenever talking about her fantasy boyfriend he's cuddling her and saying that her feelings about x, y, and z are valid and that she's not overreacting. Pretty much he's a constant reassurance who doesn't bring logic into the conversation because when she's in a mood she really hates logic. She rarely seems to acknowledge men as real people with real problems who don't exist solely to be a living body pillow. For this reason and more she's been let down a lot and has recently sworn off men altogether in favor of gushing over the K-pop idols we both follow.

 

On top of that she's also very prudish. I'm sex repulsed so it works but can also look at sex more clinically where for her she just kind of starts freaking out. I've asked her if she might be some type of asexual more than once but like you she identifies as heterosexual. Contrary to what a lot of people on here seem to think, in my experience many of my sexual friends don't have sexual feelings for the people they like right away. Even if it might cross their mind, it's not something they get to until sometimes several months down the road if they end up dating. Before my one friend had sex with her boyfriend of one year we had to have two weeks worth of pep talks and informational YouTube videos.

 

We're not allowed to say if you're asexual or not. If you look around here a bit you might find out more though. As for my friend I just think she's going about relationships in the wrong way and in general probably isn't equipped to have a healthy one at this point in time. Together we're working on her self confidence and how to solve problems on her own without having to depend on an attractive avatar to lift her spirits. 

 

Hope this at least helped a little bit.

[gisiebob]

thank you for your story fellow human. I hope you can make peace with yourself and shed off what other people think is important if it doesn't fit you.