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Please help me figure this out


AprilPearl

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This will probably get long, but I am really confused and would massively appreciate it if anyone here could help me work out what is going on with me.

 

I remember that my first crush was on a boy in my school when I was only 5 years old. Ever since then, I pretty much always had a crush on at least one boy, whether they were in my class or on TV.

 

Fast forward to now: I am 19 and a half years old. I still have "crushes" on men or characters on TV, or in films, and fantasise about having relationships with them. But, not sex. Even the idea of kissing with tongues is not appealing to me. I want to have a partner to love and be with (preferably a man), and I like the idea of cuddling, or maybe even kissing with a closed mouth. But, no further than that.

 

Before now, I always assumed that when people described being sexually attracted to someone (in books and such) that they were over exaggerating. I thought that sexual attraction must just be what I sometimes get: recognising that a man is attractive and wanting to be near him and feeling happy when I see them.

 

I googled "what does sexual attraction feel like" and "what does sexual arousal feel like". I just have never experienced anything close to the feelings that I found described online. It's true, I am young. I have never been in a relationship, kissed anyone or had sex. Perhaps if I did, it would change my mind. But, currently, I don't see how the actions involved in typical foreplay and sexual intercourse are meant to be so pleasurable. I don't get it.

 

I have tried watching porn. But, I find it really disgusting and it does nothing for me. I find people look much more attractive in clothes too. And, I don't understand what is going on in people's heads when they get all excited over a person who is nude/semi nude.

 

I don't want to be asexual (no offence intended to anyone here). I really do want to have a romantic relationship, but I feel like I would be dumped pretty quickly because no one wants to go out with a person who won't have sex with them.

 

I told my Mum that I was worried I might be asexual. She told me that "one day you will meet a lovely man who you will want to be with". Is this true? Could that happen?

 

I feel really sad, like I am missing out on a huge chunk of life experiences.  

 

Oh, it might also be worth mentioning that I was severely anorexic between the ages of 14 and a half to 18 and a half, to the point that last year I was close to death. I have spent the past year recovering (this time, for good). But, I worry that being so underweight and malnourished during my teen years could have meant that I never completed puberty and developed the sexual urges I was meant to. Before I lost the weight, I only had two periods. I have literally just reached a healthy BMI and have not got my periods back. I wonder if this might be related to my lack of sex drive?

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29 minutes ago, AprilPearl said:

I don't want to be asexual (no offence intended to anyone here). I really do want to have a romantic relationship, but I feel like I would be dumped pretty quickly because no one wants to go out with a person who won't have sex with them.

It is possible you are asexual, but that doesn't mean you can't have a romantic relationship.  You can have romantic feelings without sexual feelings (so if you're a girl who likes boys, you would be heteroromantic) and there are people who would be ok with that if it was clear from the start - other aces, even non-aces with low libidos etc.  And as you say, you're young, so you have plenty of time!

 

As for what your mum said, they all say that lol. :)  Sometimes it may be true, sometimes it's just a thing people say because they can't imagine a person spending their entire life not interested in sex.  As you would like to have a romantic relationship, that's great!  You don't have to miss out on anything!  Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, so just focus on finding the kind of relationship that works for you.  One day you might have a cuddling/kissing relationship with someone and find you're open to taking it further, and maybe you won't.  At least it will help you develop a clearer understanding of your feelings, and you are free to identify as asexual while you figure it out even if you're not sure, or not if you'd rather not.

 

You don't have to be sad about being asexual if you decide that is what you are.  Because a majority of people enjoy sexual relationships they get a lot of air time, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of awesome asexual life experiences too!

 

I would suggest speaking to a doctor if you are concerned about the effect your eating disorder may have had physically on your body, because they can advise you best (even if it is embarrassing!).  However, if it has had an effect I would doubt it is a permanent one, and now you are a healthy weight everything like your periods will eventually get back to normal.

 

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