Figuring it out in therapy

[novis]

TW: Sexual assault

 

Hi everyone,

 

Hopefully this is the right area to post this... I was on this website about 2 years ago when I first thought that I was asexual. I ended up abandoning the site because it felt too difficult to process. I was scared that I would be alone and figured that since I've had sex previously I could just continue to do so and forget about this whole asexual business.

 

Long story short I'm now back in therapy after a bit of a breakdown and am also in a relationship with a sexual person. In my last therapy appointment I spoke about the fact that I haven't really desired sex, ever. I mentioned thinking that I could be asexual, and feeling comfortable in this community. Feeling like it was right. I also expressed that I would be happy without ever having sex again and that I don't think about it. However I also experienced two instances of sexual assault while drugged, and have never really worked through it with a professional. My therapist gave me the homework of going through sexual partners and figuring out if there was desire for sex with those people.

 

My struggle is that I can't remember a large chunks of my life through drug abuse and dissociation. I remember some things, like feeling like I should have sex, feeling like I needed to perform well for people to stay with me and a few instances of initiating sex as a power play, almost? But I don't remember desiring sex for sexes sake. I take it that is what sexual desire is? I want to have sex because I want sex not just "I want my partner to be happy." or "I want this person to stay with me." . 

 

My next appointment is on Thursday and we'll be continuing the conversation then. It's bound to be triggering because we'll be working to figure out if my lack of desire for sex is from assault or if I've always been this way. I think right now it's I've always been this way with a side of "That really confused my attitude towards sex."

 

I'm really just wondering has anyone else experienced anything similar, particularly around figuring out if they experienced sexual desire and separating that from all those other feelings/reasons to have sex I mentioned above? I also needed to write down these feelings and vent a bit.

 

Thanks

[norla]

Hi, this was posted a while ago so who knows where you are on your therapy journey now, but I thought I would reply anyway. It is difficult to discern the comfort of naming your truth with asexuality from the lingering effects of trauma. I don't really have an answer, but I know that I have always been the way that I am, and that ultimately it doesn't really matter why, to me. Part of what I love about therapy, is the power of retelling stories, gaining a new perspective. I have found that this takes some of the power away from those traumas. 

Hopefully that makes sense. And all of this to say, you are not alone. 

[Salted Karamel]

On 9/10/2017 at 7:04 AM, novis said:

I'm really just wondering has anyone else experienced anything similar, particularly around figuring out if they experienced sexual desire and separating that from all those other feelings/reasons to have sex I mentioned above? I also needed to write down these feelings and vent a bit.

Absolutely. The whole reason why I'm not quite sure how to identify is because I can't remember if I've ever wanted sex for sex's sake or just for ulterior reasons— pleasing a partner, keeping a partner, appeasing society, feeling a sense of power, etc. Pretty much everything you mentioned. All I do know for sure is that currently I don't have any desire for sex for sex's sake, and I'm not sure if I ever have.

 

I was never drugged or raped but I have suffered some other forms of abuse and it can be difficult to suss out what you "really" feel or "really" want or what "really" happened (especially with events in the past! that you don't quite remember!) when you're someone who has been conditioned to rewrite memories as a coping mechanism. But if it brings you any peace of mind, I think that simply not knowing for sure if you've ever wanted sex for sex's sake is enough to place you at least somewhere on the asexual spectrum, since I'm under the impression that people who are allosexual (sexually attracted to other people) are pretty darn sure that they want sex.

[Markéta]

I don't think I can say anything more helpful than the people before me, but you need to know you are not alone. Not here. I wish you a good progress in your therapy!!

[novis]

Hi! 

 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I’ve been dealing with different things in therapy so we haven’t spoken about this for a while now. I’m pretty much where I was then apart from the fact that I’m not  really thinking about this much right now. 

 

Anyway, like I said, I’m pretty much in exactly the same place. No desire for sex, in a relationship with a sexual person. I’m going to start off this conversation with my therapist again next week. Even though I’m comfortable identifying as asexual I still need to talk through trauma so I’m sure my orientation will be part of the conversation!

 

Thanks again to everyone who commented. It’s really comforting to hear from people who get what I’m trying to say. 😊