MichaelRP

Wife ace, husband gay

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MichaelRP   
MichaelRP

I am a gay man married to a woman who is asexual. We love each other and want to stay together, but we don't know how to navigate sexuality. I have a high libido and desire sex with men. My wife, as an asexual, has no interest in sex, and I am not sexually attracted to her.

 

She feels badly that she is not filling my needs. I don't feel that way at all. She feels that I would be breaking our marriage covenant if I were emotionally or sexually involved with a man.  I don't think that way at all, since sex has never been a part of our marriage, having sex with someone else isn't violating anything that we cherish as a couple in my mind.

 

I'd like an open relationship where I could be sexually active yet true to her in every other way. She wants me to be celibate.

 

How have others of you found a good compromise?  

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OldSoul   
OldSoul

It is not fair for her to ask you to remain celibate. She does not understand what she is asking, as an asexual.
I, myself, am asexual and I understand this is unfair to ask.
I'm not sure how you should proceed, but know she is being unfair to you.
 

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Zenzencat104   
Zenzencat104
4 minutes ago, OldSoul said:

It is not fair for her to ask you to remain celibate. She does not understand what she is asking, as an asexual.
I, myself, am asexual and I understand this is unfair to ask.
I'm not sure how you should proceed, but know she is being unfair to you.
 

But they too have needs, talk to them I suppose.

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scarlett45   
scarlett45
27 minutes ago, MichaelRP said:

I am a gay man married to a woman who is asexual. We love each other and want to stay together, but we don't know how to navigate sexuality. I have a high libido and desire sex with men. My wife, as an asexual, has no interest in sex, and I am not sexually attracted to her.

 

She feels badly that she is not filling my needs. I don't feel that way at all. She feels that I would be breaking our marriage covenant if I were emotionally or sexually involved with a man.  I don't think that way at all, since sex has never been a part of our marriage, having sex with someone else isn't violating anything that we cherish as a couple in my mind.

 

I'd like an open relationship where I could be sexually active yet true to her in every other way. She wants me to be celibate.

 

How have others of you found a good compromise?  

Did your wife know you were gay before you decided to get married? Did you have sex with men during your courtship (with her knowledge/approval) and now it's changed?

 

If she thought she was signing up for a marriage where both partners would be celibate I can see how a change would be upsetting, but if she entered the marriage knowing you were gay, even if she were heterosexual (much less asexual) she cannot be surprised you expected to engage in partnered sex with men. 

 

I would suggest talking to her and being concrete about what your needs are. 

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flesh-pocket   
flesh-pocket

she is probably worried that you will become attached to another man and leave her if you do this and find someone you are more compatible with. 

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MichaelRP   
MichaelRP
14 minutes ago, OldSoul said:


I, myself, am asexual and I understand this is unfair to ask.

 

Are you married? If so, what do you consider an appropriate compromise?

 

3 minutes ago, scarlett45 said:

Did your wife know you were gay before you decided to get married?

Neither of us had really self- identified our sexuality when we got married.  There were red flags, but we thought being married would resolve the issues.  It didn't. We have never had intercourse in 6 years of marriage, and I've been having sex with me on the DL.  I've confessed my infidelity and we are trying to make a game plan.

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scarlett45   
scarlett45

@MichaelRP most likely as a gay (sexually and romantically) man (I assume you're relatively young) you are not going to be satisfied with a life of celibacy. Especially since you never had a chance to explore that side of yourself freely. 

 

I don't doubt you love your wife very much, but if you are homo-romantic as well as homo-sexual, she's not able to fulfill those needs (being a woman). You may be perfectly satisfied and enthused at having her as a life partner but that part of you isn't going to go away. 

 

I think you have 3 options- remain married and get your sexual/romantic needs met elsewhere (but there's a strong chance you will be come attached and want to commit to a man if you fell in love) OR agree to have your sexual needs met by men but not form attachments OR be celibate and keep the status quo. 

 

Obviously the the status quo isn't viable because you've cheated (and she is upset by this). Marriage doesn't change someone's sexuality- not to say marriage has to be based on romantic feelings or sexual attraction, but there's a huge difference between assuming your marriage had these things and finding out it doesn't compared to knowing going in you were looking for companionship and life sharing. 

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Cel   
Cel

If you haven't read this yet, you probably should.  It is very applicable.

 

 

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OldSoul   
OldSoul

I have been in several long term relationships, all of which were founded upon our needs.
I stand my my opinion, than you very much,

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roland.o   
roland.o
15 hours ago, scarlett45 said:

I think you have 3 options- remain married and get your sexual/romantic needs met elsewhere (but there's a strong chance you will be come attached and want to commit to a man if you fell in love) OR agree to have your sexual needs met by men but not form attachments OR be celibate and keep the status quo.

Option 4: if you can't find an agreement with your wife, leave this relationship.

 

This should be a last resort of course, but don't forget that it is an option.

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MichaelRP   
MichaelRP
4 hours ago, roland.o said:

". . . but don't forget that it is an option."

She would be the one that would leave.  I would never ask her to leave, but she might choose to if I return to being intimate with men occasionally.  She considers it a sin to commit adultery, and would think it condoning the sin to stay with me.

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scarlett45   
scarlett45
5 hours ago, roland.o said:

Option 4: if you can't find an agreement with your wife, leave this relationship.

 

This should be a last resort of course, but don't forget that it is an option.

Yes of course leaving the relationship is most certainly an option (I should've included that in my original post). 

 

1 hour ago, MichaelRP said:

She would be the one that would leave.  I would never ask her to leave, but she might choose to if I return to being intimate with men occasionally.  She considers it a sin to commit adultery, and would think it condoning the sin to stay with me.

I could see that happening (although I of course don't know your wife). What I know of human beings, it's more likely that you will return to having sex with men to get your sexual needs met, and she will find the marriage unfilling because of her personal beliefs on sexual intimacy etc. 

 

Are you planning on having children? If so please take time to work through this issue before you make that commitment. 

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MichaelRP   
MichaelRP

Thanks for the advice. Are there any of you in marriages where one one or you is high libido?  Is it possible to mutually work out a plan for some sex on the side and still maintain the marriage?

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gaogao   
gaogao
On 9/11/2017 at 11:42 AM, MichaelRP said:

Thanks for the advice. Are there any of you in marriages where one one or you is high libido?  Is it possible to mutually work out a plan for some sex on the side and still maintain the marriage?

Everything is possible in theory, but if your wife feels strongly that adultery is a sin and that you need to be celibate or she will leave, I don't really think there is any possibility of maintaining the marriage unless she changes her mind, and I don't think you should necessarily deny yourself something just based on her beliefs -- though i don't think you should have sex outside of your marriage in secret at all either.

 

Also, this isn't really about persuading her - she pretty much has to genuinely understand your needs and change her mind on her own volition. I think it would be very difficult to save the marriage unless she truly understands your point of view...

 

Tbh.. it's worth nothing that opening up a relationship does work for some couples, but many people can't maintain partnerships with several people at the same time which makes arrangements like this fall apart rather quickly. I'm not sure if you've considered this complexity...?

 

PS im not married -- I'm just an ace in a mixed relationship & i don't think my partner is particularly high libido - but take a look around this forum and read some other peoples' experiences! even if they're from slightly different perspectives i think you will find it helpful...

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MrDane   
MrDane

Celibacy? @MichaelRP No, thanks! It is my personal and fundamental rigth to search for a way to have nice sex. It reminds me a bit about saying that you cant talk and laugh with other people. No laughing at home either. No fun!

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Lara Black   
Lara Black
On 11.09.2017 at 1:42 PM, MichaelRP said:

Thanks for the advice. Are there any of you in marriages where one one or you is high libido?  Is it possible to mutually work out a plan for some sex on the side and still maintain the marriage?

Hello, MichaelRP.

I was married to a man with a very high libido. I’m sexual myself, but his desire levels made us incompatible.

We tried to work things out for quite some time – we were together for 11 years and tried to solve the issue for about eight. Didn’t manage. The problem is that even meaningless physical-only sex has a slight chance of turning into a crush and a deeper emotional involvement.

Even though I didn’t mind the whole “just sex” thing, there were times when he fell for his sex partners, and it wrecked my nerves – not just the jealousy thing, but a person with a crush becomes really bad at treating their spouse (it’s something subconscious and very hard to control). All that time he did really love me (he still does, according to his occasional text messages), but he just couldn’t help falling for some other person from time to time. When I couldn't bear this anymore, I left.

So, in my opinion, having “just sex” with people outside your marriage is a very risky arrangement, if you love your significant other.

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MichaelRP   
MichaelRP
8 hours ago, Lara Black said:

. . .So, in my opinion, having “just sex” with people outside your marriage is a very risky arrangement, if you love your significant other.

Thank you for sharing your experience.  It is helpful.

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Rawrth   
Rawrth

Have you discussed/thought about bringing a single man into the relationship with both of you? Perhaps your wife would be more comfortable with you having sex with a man if she got to know him and perhaps became emotionally involved with him as well? 

This is a very tricky situation. I hope you are able to find a resolve. 

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