Confused and Curious

[songbyrd44]

Greetings to all! I only recently stumbled across the term "asexual" and found myself confused by it. So over the past few days, I've done a lot of reading on the topic and I've been surprised by how much of what I've read feels like it applies to me. I guess I'm just a little nervous and uncertain about letting myself identify with a term that I didn't even know existed three days ago and I want to learn more about asexuality before I decide/discover if it truly applies to me or not. Part of my struggle is that I come from a relatively conservative Christian family. I myself am also a relatively conservative Christian. I don't feel the need to judge or accuse others about their sexual preferences or gender identities, but I personally have decided to save sex for after marriage, as I believe that is what the Bible teaches. This makes it a bit difficult for me to explore my sexual preferences as I can't say with 100% certainty that I dislike sex, as I've never experienced it before. However, I do find myself nervous, awkward, uncomfortable, and uninterested in the idea of having sex with others, maybe even a little bit afraid. I can easily imagine a future wedding night where I break down and just can't bring myself to go through with having sex with someone, even someone that I love and trust. I am a 24 year old gal and I have never felt any sexual desire; I've never felt horny or "all hot and bothered". Frankly, I'm not even entirely sure what it means to be "hot and bothered". I do find other people attractive and can easily admit as much when I see someone I consider handsome or beautiful. But the question of whether I'd sleep with them never crosses my mind. At most, I might imagine cuddling or kissing, but never having sex. I do know that I have a desire for a hetero-romantic relationship and dream of having a family and children someday. But when I imagine that future, I find myself asking if I am willing to tolerate or put up with the action of sex in order to have my own children or if I'd rather just adopt. I don't know, maybe the fact that I'm asking that question at all is somehow indicative of asexuality? This is all so new for me and I guess I'm just trying to understand more about myself and asexuality in general, whether I am asexual or not. I am also curious to know if there are any asexuals here who are from more conservative Christian families and whether they've gone through a similar experience as me. Again, I am not here to judge people or make harsh accusations, as I fear some people will assume I am. I simply want to learn and, hopefully, understand. 

[Yep, me]

13 minutes ago, songbyrd44 said:

Greetings to all! I only recently stumbled across the term "asexual" and found myself confused by it. So over the past few days, I've done a lot of reading on the topic and I've been surprised by how much of what I've read feels like it applies to me. I guess I'm just a little nervous and uncertain about letting myself identify with a term that I didn't even know existed three days ago and I want to learn more about asexuality before I decide/discover if it truly applies to me or not. Part of my struggle is that I come from a relatively conservative Christian family. I myself am also a relatively conservative Christian. I don't feel the need to judge or accuse others about their sexual preferences or gender identities, but I personally have decided to save sex for after marriage, as I believe that is what the Bible teaches. This makes it a bit difficult for me to explore my sexual preferences as I can't say with 100% certainty that I dislike sex, as I've never experienced it before. However, I do find myself nervous, awkward, uncomfortable, and uninterested in the idea of having sex with others, maybe even a little bit afraid. I can easily imagine a future wedding night where I break down and just can't bring myself to go through with having sex with someone, even someone that I love and trust. I am a 24 year old gal and I have never felt any sexual desire; I've never felt horny or "all hot and bothered". Frankly, I'm not even entirely sure what it means to be "hot and bothered". I do find other people attractive and can easily admit as much when I see someone I consider handsome or beautiful. But the question of whether I'd sleep with them never crosses my mind. At most, I might imagine cuddling or kissing, but never having sex. I do know that I have a desire for a hetero-romantic relationship and dream of having a family and children someday. But when I imagine that future, I find myself asking if I am willing to tolerate or put up with the action of sex in order to have my own children or if I'd rather just adopt. I don't know, maybe the fact that I'm asking that question at all is somehow indicative of asexuality? This is all so new for me and I guess I'm just trying to understand more about myself and asexuality in general, whether I am asexual or not. I am also curious to know if there are any asexuals here who are from more conservative Christian families and whether they've gone through a similar experience as me. Again, I am not here to judge people or make harsh accusations, as I fear some people will assume I am. I simply want to learn and, hopefully, understand. 

Do what you're comfortable with, don't feel pressured, and yes, I've heard about others who come from a similar background. Also, I can relate in many ways, anyways, welcome!

[Stheg]

Hi songbyrd44. Welcome and have some cake!  

 

We come from super similar backgrounds. I also saved sex for marriage, as did my husband. I felt similarly before I got married and just assumed sexual attraction would magically appear once I got married. I was wrong. It was fascinating before we had it and then it was painful and very unappealing. I spent two married years trying really hard to make myself get into sex. Things work better than they used to and it has gone from very unappealing to boring, but it still isn't fabulous or anything. Sex and love just aren't connected for me. I'm not sex repulsed, so I do have sex with my husband, but it wouldn't really bother me if I couldn't have sex with my husband for some reason. There are about a million things I'd rather do than have sex. I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone. Sure people are pretty or handsome, but that's about it. 

 

I'm also not out of the closet because of my background. I'm not sure I could ever handle the backlash. My family and church people aren't accepting of anyone on the LGBTQIA spectrum. I have a brother who regularly makes offensive jokes about attack helicopters. I have a friend who came out and was vilified by my family and friends because he's apparently making Christians look bad by being gay. Being asexual is "against God's natural order". 

 

If you marry someone that also comes from a conservative Christian background, be prepared for the fact that they might break down and cry trying to have sex too even if they aren't asexual. The guilt trip I grew up with turned into a freaking freight train after me and my husband had sex. We both lost it. We had to stop trying to have sex we were crying so much, both of us. And he's definitely sexual. 

 

I'm definitely not assuming you're here to make accusations. Asexuals come from all kinds of backgrounds and you can identify with any label you want. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or want to talk to someone with a similar background. 

[songbyrd44]

Thank you both for your comments. They helped ease my nerves quite a bit. I'm grateful. And I'm glad to know that there are others out there who have been in similar situations as me.

[Lichley]

Welcome  Asexuality is a spectrum, so if you need any help looking into what you believe in you could try some of these

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

http://life-of-an-asexual.tumblr.com/post/102762643654/desires-for-relations-based-on-types-of-attraction

as well as looking into Ash Hardell's "ABCs of LGBT" section on asexuality.