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I suspect my boyfriend may be asexual


Clariece

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I am having some very confusing feelings. I am a sexual person and i love my boyfriend very much. He has mentioned a few times (while drunk) that he doesnt like to be touched and thinks sex is a chore. At the same time he loves to be spooned and when we do have sex it is very enjoyable. 

He also expressed some confusion about his sexual orientation stating that he may not be straight. It broke my heart seeing him so confused and hurt by his realization. He also has said he values the emotional bond btwn us way more than the sex. He said he could go forever without sex. I have my own issues with intimacy and i love to express affection with touch and due to my childhood of sexual abuse, my self worth has unfortunately been tied to my sexuality ( something i am working on).

 I initially felt rejected and heart broken but if this is who he is i want to love every part of him even if it scares me. 
I am just so afraid of losing him. This may be silly or selfish but my worst fear is that if i help him to realize this about himself that he may make sex out to be meaningless and use his newfound orientation to make my idea of cheating ( emotional or otherwise) excusable because he isnt motivated by sexuality. (I suppose that says a lot about me.. But like i said i am working on these things)

I still want my boundaries to be respected. 
 
In the early stages of our relationship he had stated he wanted us to be able to have sex with other people together. We tried this once... And it ended quite abruptly, it was his choice. 

I know he has feelings of jealousy and doesnt want me to be physically or emotionally intimate with people outside of our relationship,  normal monogamous jealousy. Not unhealthy controlling jealousy. 

I dont want him to do those things either. I guess i am just scared of not being "enough" and ending up without him if he meets someone with an even stronger emotional connection (thats just my insecurity talking though) 

i am confused on how to approach this because i would like us to be able to compromise. I would have a difficult time in a sexless relationship. i dont want him to feel obligated to please me but i want my needs met as well, it would be great to help him not feel inadquate or broken because of the way society views sex. I would appreciate any advice that would help me sustain my relationship with him while also helping him understand himself. 

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First and foremost, he loves you. Completely and utterly. You don't have to worry about it. He sounds like he's worried about not being able to reach your sexual expectations, but that has nothing to do with his view on you or the relationship. Sexual relations is not necessary to have a happy relationship, and if you want sex I'm sure you can compromise.

 

From what it sounds like (although I don't want to assume) your partner may be asexual, but very much romantic. Romantic attraction is the butterflies-in-the-stomach, schoolyard crush feelings, and means that they are down for intimacy, just not sex. Someone's definition of intimacy may vary, but overall they care very deeply about the person that they like, they are just not sexually attracted to them, or anyone. And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make them or you any less of a person, it's just how things are for them.

 

I think the most important thing is that you talk to them about it. Discuss asexuality, but don't force it on them. Bring it up casually in conversation with them? Look up other labels as well, such as demisexual, grey asexual etc. But most importantly TALK. Asexuality is only really a problem when you don't talk about your needs and those of your partners. A breakdown in communication can lead to a breakdown of a relationship. So talk it out with them. Be calm, be accepting, and stay the caring person that you are.

 

I wish you all the best with your boyfriend, and hope it all works out for you :)

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Spooning has nothing to do with sexuality; it's just cuddling. Asexuals can enjoy or simply RESPOND to sexual stimulation. But again that has nothing to do with sexuality.  A gay man can (prior to the realization of their orientation, typically) enjoy sex with a woman; he can like making this person he cares about happy, he can simply enjoy orgasming. What alot of people don't seem to comprehend is the difference between enjoyment and desire. They're two completely different things; they're only typically felt together. Everyone's had a food that tasted fine but for whatever reason it just wasn't their thing. This is enjoyment without desire. Responding to sexual stimulation has nothing to do with sexuality; a woman touching a gay man's turn on spot still only desires sex with other men; it's just an uncontrolable response and not a desire. His personal values on sex has nothing to do with sexuality as well; a sexual person can value a bond over sex or be content never having sex again (although the latter is rare). The only thing that makes a sexual person sexual is desiring sex (mentally or IRL). The only thing that makes an asexual person asexual is not desiring sex (mentally or IRL).

 

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I am just so afraid of losing him. This may be silly or selfish but my worst fear is that if i help him to realize this about himself that he may make sex out to be meaningless and use his newfound orientation to make my idea of cheating ( emotional or otherwise) excusable because he isnt motivated by sexuality. (I suppose that says a lot about me.. But like i said i am working on these things)

I still want my boundaries to be respected. 
 

That has more to do with him personally not Asexuality. 

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Treesarepretty
On 9/7/2017 at 5:52 PM, Clariece said:

I am having some very confusing feelings. I am a sexual person and i love my boyfriend very much. He has mentioned a few times (while drunk) that he doesnt like to be touched and thinks sex is a chore. At the same time he loves to be spooned and when we do have sex it is very enjoyable. 

He also expressed some confusion about his sexual orientation stating that he may not be straight. It broke my heart seeing him so confused and hurt by his realization. He also has said he values the emotional bond btwn us way more than the sex. He said he could go forever without sex. I have my own issues with intimacy and i love to express affection with touch and due to my childhood of sexual abuse, my self worth has unfortunately been tied to my sexuality ( something i am working on).

 I initially felt rejected and heart broken but if this is who he is i want to love every part of him even if it scares me. 
I am just so afraid of losing him. This may be silly or selfish but my worst fear is that if i help him to realize this about himself that he may make sex out to be meaningless and use his newfound orientation to make my idea of cheating ( emotional or otherwise) excusable because he isnt motivated by sexuality. (I suppose that says a lot about me.. But like i said i am working on these things)

I still want my boundaries to be respected. 
 
In the early stages of our relationship he had stated he wanted us to be able to have sex with other people together. We tried this once... And it ended quite abruptly, it was his choice. 

I know he has feelings of jealousy and doesnt want me to be physically or emotionally intimate with people outside of our relationship,  normal monogamous jealousy. Not unhealthy controlling jealousy. 

I dont want him to do those things either. I guess i am just scared of not being "enough" and ending up without him if he meets someone with an even stronger emotional connection (thats just my insecurity talking though) 

i am confused on how to approach this because i would like us to be able to compromise. I would have a difficult time in a sexless relationship. i dont want him to feel obligated to please me but i want my needs met as well, it would be great to help him not feel inadquate or broken because of the way society views sex. I would appreciate any advice that would help me sustain my relationship with him while also helping him understand himself. 

It sounds to me like you two are on the right track. You said that you are dealing with your insecurities with a therapist. That is good, both for you as an individual and for the relationship. If he is also worried about you falling for someone else emotionally, then I doubt that you have to worry about him arguing that that isn't cheating. 

 

About your sexual differences: you two have to talk about things like @Lichley said, but you also have to figure out what you actually need for yourself. Are sex toys enough for you? If so, does he need to be present while you use them? Do you need him to touch you? Are hands okay, or is PIV the only thing that will do? He said he doesn't like to be touched sexually, does that extend to touching you sexually?

 

Whatever labels you two end up with, in the end you are individuals. He has to work things out with you, not some statistical average of sexuals, and you have to work things out with him, not some statistical average of asexuals. What I am saying is that your differences as individuals matter much more than the labels you choose, and the point of the labels is to help you discuss these differences more easily. Like @Lichley said, you should talk it out. 

 

Good luck, and please have some :cake:

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nothinbuttrouble

Relationships are always difficult. Sex seems to be a common source of difficulty.

So what you two are going through is pretty normal in that respect.

Just tread carefully, and have faith. It's going to work out one way or the other.

You may be able to avoid hurting each other. You may be able to help each other.

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Sexual relations is not necessary to have a happy relationship, and if you want sex I'm sure you can compromise.

Simply not  true that sex isn't necessary for a happy relationship for 99% of the world, and in saying that its not necessary, you're invalidating the OP every bit as much as someone saying there's no such thing as asexuality and so-called asexuals should just have sex and stop moaning. 

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Yes, @Telecaster68! This happens a bit to often on Aven. Some asexual dissmiss the idea that mutual, voluntary, partnered sex is important to most people. It is not the only thing, but it is basic and it is freaking hard to deal with. 

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I feel like my explanation on what makes an orientation wasn't the clearest to alot of people/ alot could go "I don't get the difference". Anyone of any orientation may have the possibility of experiencing sexual or emotional pleasure from sex outside their orientation, but despite that, what makes an orientation is actually desiring that sexual activity with someone for its sexual or emotional pleasure. The same goes for emotional pleasure romantically, and I think this part is where people finally see the difference. A gay woman romantically with her best friend can be happy that she's making her bestie happy by being in a relationship with him, yet fact remains that she does not feel sexually or romantically for him/men.

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I meant compromise as in find other ways of intimacy that can make them feel happy without forcing the asexual to have sex or sexual relations against their will.

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